I work myself too hard I have an arguement with myself just so I win, then I celebrate my win with some alcohol then I keep drinking.

 "You don't know who Boba Fett is?"
"No. I'm more of a Star Wars kinda guy."

Bruce Willis you massive troll!

Actually I'd quite enjoy watching Bruce Willis in a film where is a Troll Hunter. An Internet-troll hunter!And for anyone out there who doesn't know what an internet troll is, it's basically code-word for "joker", "liar", "c*nt". In that order!

And I started my fruitarian diet, but I will still eat meat! Like today I gobbled down 2 bananas, 2 oranges and an apple, but complimented it with a ham sandwich! I could be a meal-creater, which is a new job I've made up, it's like a conducter for a restaurant kitchen where he (or she) decides what meals can be cobbled together! Need I say that when I finally got home I just started whoring myself on Hula Hoops and Vodka. But who hasn't been there?

I also took some saucy pictures of myself in the bath, and started listening to P!nk. I dont know if the two events are related? Maybe you can tell me. When I got home today I was like I'm tearing off my trousers (no unusual thing there you might think!) but this time I was like I'm not even going to bother putting on my LOUNGEWEAR I just sat around in my undergarments. If anyone's got a problem with that, they can leave a comment!

Also I had a terrifying moment whilst delivering pizzas where I thought if a zombie attacked me would I be able to press the lock button on my car door fast enough to avoid it grabbing my arm and biting me?! I mean it would be well scary-m8. What would I do first I wonder? Head home and get my collection of knives and lint, then roam the streets asking people why they are being so serious?Maybe not. I could probably use my money pot to kill a zombie or two! it weighs so much now it would do more damage than a swinging elephants testicle!

So Christmas is coming! I love it! I went out and did nearly all my shopping in one day yesterday and only got one present for myself! Watch this space later for more christmas related news!

HOLAA!!

Basically me after I get home from work, but this one has a less pronounced package. Fact.

Will nout inspire?!

I jumped out the shower and went straight down the shops. Was arrested for not getting dressed first.

So I haven't yet gotten around to learning the piano again, but I am still thinking about it! Last night instead what I did was emotionally craft beuty on facebook in the form of a lovely cartoon kettle. Should sell in a Brighton Lanes store on the front of a t-shirt for great amounts of currency.









Sure, you can't make out the full message, but I think I prefer "u can ca e t-f" and wonder what's going through the kettle's mind as he boils his brains  on whatever recreational drugs he can get his beefy hands on. What a stud. I'd do him.

So I finished reading a book the other day and it was like a crime thriller one, and then at the end there's a page about what happened after she marries the man she loves and it just for a few pages becomes rancorous porn! "He touched her nipples with with ice cubes, and put warm oil inside her. he carried on until she begged him to enter her..."

Phrooorr!

Person at work: "Excuse me, where is the [CENSORED]"
Me: "It is here!"
Person: "Thank you how helpful, what is your name?"
Me: "You'll never take me back to your village and make me your god!" *jumps through sheet glass window and away*
Person: "Wait! Come back!"
Me: "But it was too late, I was already narating the end of this segment".


Another incident at work...

Me: "Sorry, I think I spat on your face" *wipes off face*
Colleague: "Most people would just have said nothing. That's bravery"
Me: "And like that I made a new friend"
Colleague: "Who are you talking to?"

An update for all my readers, I have now put some clothes on. Also I was leaving the post office the other day and it was pissing it down so I was turning on my iPod (apologies for the product placement) and this "character" was leaving the place past me and was like OH EM GEE M8 IT'S LIKE PROPER PISSING IT DOWN!
I was like please I hope you're not talking to me. Luckily it turned out they were not. I DON'T GO TO THE POST OFFICE TO MAKE FRIENDS!

Quality over Quantity? Is that what the trend is?

I was thinking of writing the script for a tree-based police show, where a tree has been shot by a gangsta bush and the police tree is like to his deputy: "Hey Birch, how can we tell what all these juices coming from the gunshot wounds are?" And Birch replies "I'll use my mobile phone, surely What-sap can tell us!"

Gold.

Why is my cat so fat?! She gets so annoying at night but I'm told that we cant shut her outside because she's old! What a liberty! That's the kind of treatment that we wouldn't have given OAPs only 10 years ago!


 Finally got 3 visits ticked off on my Nandos card, next time I get a free 1/4 chicken. That day I will be very glad.

I'm thinking of developing my piano skillz and perform a club remix mashup of christmas songs and Eduarf Khil. It will be the christmas everyone has been waiting for, and I will be able to tick off "get a christmas number 1" off my list of things to do. Then all there is to do is kill Kony! Maybe I could combine the two and at the unveiling of my new chart-topper "I am very glad to be returning to Christmas" by Big Daddy feat Eduard Khil, I could invite Kony and then lay a trap for him. Then when he sits down I could declare that he has activated my trap card, in typical Yu-Gi-Oh stylee, and then as he's lying there in a pile of animal refuse I would say "You sir have not only been killed, but Edwuard Khil-ed!" Then I would dedicate Kony's death to Eduard's immortal memory and he would earn more soviet medals. Although as everyone knows, in Soviet Russia the medals earn you.


D! You are unmasked Sir! You have earnt the title of Chief Penis! You lose 1 Charisma.

Do I drink to write, or use writing as an excuse for drinking?

Lately my desktop has begun to see a return of discarded bottlecaps, I feel like a lazy prospector from Fallout New Vegas. Easy Pete would be so unproud!

Since I'm contractually obliged to mention candles, today something well exciting happened. I was like lighting a candle and the match was like a double match! My mind my blown. Wide!

Also a thought I've harboured for many years is that Dragon's Den would be so hugely improved by a maverick unknown millionaire who was loose with cash and dressed up as a Chinese Dragon, and who from time to time would breathe fire on entrepeneurs!

Cannot think of anything else to write atm! 

Have been inspired to learn piano properly this time! I'll keep y'all updated on how it goes!

I've not been drinking but I wish I had been!

My insides feel like they are being poked around in by an angry Sandslash!
That's the last time I mix tinned peaches with Coca-cola!
Hopefully some alcohol will clear this discomfort in my tummy!


A mince pie?! Tis edging closer to christmas after all! Not going to lie, I may have composed a mixtape featuring Santa Claus is Coming to Town, surely one of the best all time Christmas songs? And not forgetting "Must Be Santa" by Bob Dylan and "Dont let the Bells end" by the Darkness!#Classix

Who else knows that feeling when you've sold everything you didn't need on ebay, and just start moving onto your brothers possessions that you dont think he'll miss?

I've been be-gifted with a stress ring that can be fiddled with to releive stress. I use it violently beat people stressing me out and then get to say "yeah bitch i still keep my ring on, yo?"

My giant candle ran out yesterday! it was a sad day in my life, but I plan to sell on the remnants to raise money for charity!! I've had to start using the scented candles I got for my birthday! mmm Fragrant!

You know those evenings where you just drink way too much? I was with my bro and he just drank too much absinthe and ended up in a pool of his own vomit! But before that we lolled hard, and he hid under the bed and took pictures of me in my underwear (my treat to da ladies) and we hid in my car waiting for unsuspecting passers by to harrang! Good times! OR GT SHOULD I SAY?

Just a short one tonight!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qE6WQmNus

Can you read the past in Coffee stains?!

Now that I've got your attention I'd just like to ask how I got stuck at home alone on some Bonfire night having to dance in the garden just to lure the dog outside to do her business cos she's afraid of fireworks?!

Now I'm sitting here watching the cat lick a wire, even though she's got plenty of better things to do!

On a lonely night like this, it takes me back to another night, in another life!


My name is Big Daddy. I'm the son of a travelling medicine woman and a stay-at-home dad. I got into the detective business when I read a previous blog entry about my adventures in New York, and decided it was time to carry on the tale where it was left off, as I entered the Shiney Vagazzle after Fat Aunty Whale, or some such nonsense.

The last person to lose a fight with her was choked violently in an overtly sexual manner, which her friends who were watching found quite unsettling, and then she ate them! I would have to stay on my toes, and not just because of the mess all over the floor! I was so drunk I couldn't actually remember most of the plot points, but with Pissingham at my side I'm sure things would work out.
I saw her ahead of me, sauntering over to the bar and ordering an alcoholic beverage. I smoked my pipe and watched from the shadows, then was asked to leave as smoking indoors was strictly prohibited. Luckily I managed to get back in by parting my hair slightly differently and tearing my t-shirt down the middle so it looked a bit more hipsterish, and the bouncers didn't recognise me!
I re-entered the bar,Then I realised I'd rather talk about gritty real life drams cos let me tell you guys this facade about Big Daddy and PIssignham may be based on real life characters but I've discovered an even reall-er story to tell!

*btw there are bonus points for those of you who notice the moment I stopped writing a few days ago and started writing when very drunk*

fudge ursef I'm not not even drunk! I cant be cos i ran out of vodka yesterday and had nothing but jagerbombs and 'jeeves't to drink!

yeah so as I was saying the big story of thw week is! put urself in my shoes! i bloody wouldn't cos there're full of flippiong rainwater cos they got damned holes in! means I'll have to go buy some new trainers! the humanity! so do i go shopping in my gym trainers that were like shiney white when i got them but are a bit duller now, or my work shoes that are just getting a bit tatty but i only got them 6 months ago so what am i to do?! I miss vodka.

Yeah so then you realise you asked ur friend if she'll donate her bosoms to medical science after she dies.

Then i was playing my xbox and just shouting down the mic, even though after 5 seconds u kinda realise no-ones paying attention and they all buggered off after the first couple of waves of enemies. leaving me alone! I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS NOW MORE THAN EVER!

Lol women, at least i can revert to my old catch phrase of "women!"

yeah so i thoguht I'd get a bit hammered on whatever i could find in the cupboard...ooh Nurse McReady's surgical bruise lotion? Dont mind if i do! - and then combine that with candles and cleaning my nails with my big knife.

I've decided to put Big Daddy and Pissingham on hiatus until I actual;yl get funding to get a tv series on the subject. I dont see why if i can write stuff like that and people appreciate it why not wait until I'm getting paid for it?! Speaking of getting paid I got paid today and put some more £1 coins in my money pot! boo yah it's nearly full, and atm it's getting heavy enough to kill a burglar!

I'm so looking forward to my 10 hour work shift tomorrow. But what I am looking forward to is using my tesco vouchers to get some money off my next bottle of vodka. Who needs female company when you've got gears of war 3 and a bottle of Smirnoff's finest?

Yeah so then you realise you're so bored the best you can concoct is t try to make some slash porn about two close friends! we've all been there!

Okay so where were the first signs? pfft signs?! Who am I kidding this is no rom-com.
I didn't see any signs because I didn't listen well enough before it was too late. I was so hooked on the idea of being a better boyfriend than any of the plebs you see tricking gorgeous girls to be with them, that i didn't see I'd inadvertantly (hope thats the right word) become one without even noticing.

You never know who to be angry at, in the end.

BLERG!

It's my time of the month...to shine! That's right! My tesco clubcard vouchers have arrived and let me tell you they must be the most bodacious set to date! £1.15 off Ben and Jerrys?! Hold the effing phone!

I've also been experimenting with my candle. Not in a Billie Piper callgirl kinda way, but like I blew it out the other day then rested it at an angle, so the wax all dried sideways. I'm off the rails C-unit! Needless to say I've re-lit it, and nothing that exciting is happening.

Currently I'm drinking alone, but then again with some Frank Sinatra on the blower you're never truly alone! Oh Mack the Knife, how I adore this tune!

I've also had a tidy-up of my room. I decided to send my old phone to one of these phone recycling websites, but i was a bit apprehensive that they might be illegally making money selling the nude pictures of myself i left on my phone! That's a lie, I left them on there on purpose for attention :(

I've become addicted to 30rock atm. In a little over a week or so I've watched 3 seasons, it's so good! I'd seriously recommend it! But it's like when I OD'd on Scrubs, I find that when one watches a sitcom season to season back to back, you stop laughing and just start following the character developments more, and see it more like a drama. Try it and see what I mean!

Another thing I tidied were the dozen or so DVDs and CDs that ebay just couldn't take off my hands, selling them off to MusicMagpie for pittance, but at least they're not taking up valuable space in my boudoir now! And they will take off my hands the couple of DVDs I hurriedly purchased then realised they're the wrong bloody area code! The Mark is and amazing film, but how am I possibly meant to enjoy it spoken in American?!

The whole 9 blogs

Facebook have asked me if I want to promote my blog? Hell Yes!
Do you want to pay via Paypal, etc etc?

CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL

So i bought myself a retro microphone for all those times the microphone built into the webcam i bought at the same time just won't cut it! Now don't tell anyone *looks around suspiciously for dramatic effect* but I have oft dreamt of being a radio DJ! It comes from the love of forcing my music taste on others! And I dont like having people talk back to me either, so it's perfect!

I'm wearing some charming purple boxer shorts today, however the hour is late so I might have to change into my PJs. The reason I'm telling you this is so you don't feel left out from the gang of pervs who no doubt have hacked into my webcam and are watching me type type type! It's one of those nuggets of information that you'd just be much happier off not knowing! It's the reason I used to point my inert webcam skywards so 'they' couldn't observe me [censored]ing! Also how the teachers at school KINDLY pointed out that when you smell a fart it is in fact bits of poop going up ur nose! I've kind of gotten over it but still!

I often think about taking naked pictures of myself with random household objects covering my good stuff! It takes me back to the time I was drying myself after a shower in the fresh air of my back garden (i dry slowly because I am very hairy) and my towel slipped. Classic! I like to think most of my neighbours loved it!

But not as much as they loved all watching me and one or two friends (not boasting) had a race down the hill of my street on whatever roadsters could be dug up from the old toys found in my garage! I rode an old computer chair, comfort and fuckin' rad! All the neighbours were at their 1st floor windows, agape! One woman actually fainted from the excitement!

I've taken the bold decision to add candlestick-whittling to my list of considerable skillz! Seriously guys this candle I've got is defective I got it off a witch at a car boot sale when I was like 6 and the candle doesn't burn big enough to melt the whole thing so it just melts down the middle so eventually you can hardly see the flame! So every once in a while I have to take my blade and cut the sides down like some sort of melting hedge!

I totes love the big green soldier statue in the park! I am well up for the idea of going their late at night (not whilst the pikeys are around obviously I'm not mental) and seeing if I can dredge up the inspiration to write a poem about it! I've never written a poem that wasn't about a lady, but I am forever up for stretching my creative "talents" so to speak so if I ever do get around to writing it you can be sure to have your heartstrings pulled by its magestive majesty! I bumped my head on it as a child and feel a deep connection to it!

It's great when I want a third vodka and coke and don't have to pay for it, cos I already gots it in ma kitchen yo! #creativejuicesflowing

Also I'm going to release my own brand of perfumes, the names of which I've been spinning in my head until I was thoroughly intoxicated! I'm thinking of Dry Heave, Bile, and my personal favorite Greasy Kiss....pour Homme! Get your head around that "D"! You bitch!

 YAY statue picture!

Blog 8.0

Often I've sat about ruminating about what's really stopping me building a robot that was basically humanoid but would be able to beat up all the other robots in Robot War and start a robot army! Craig Charles would be stunned! As stunned as I was when I looked at Wikipedia and saw Robot Wars finished... FINISHED! ...in 2003! Unbeleivable! It was such a cornerstone of British television! And it was great in Arenas of Destruction where you could just build a robot that was a disc-shape, cover it in spikes, run it at everything and they would just flip onto their backs! #hax! Epic Game!

It seems my blog has picked up the attention of some POSER calling themselves "D" and they just throw slander at my last entry saying "niga pls". I just don't know where this leaves me!

Nothing beats a post-bath naked candle-whittling #fyi!

Also lost my 'naked in a changing room with other men' virginity this week. I mean obviously I wrapped a towel around my nethers, I'm not an exhibitionist like all those old men! They just don't care about anything anymore, and in a way I definately envy them that! Every time I'm with my good woman and see a huge fat man in the swimming pool in just speedo's I always turn to her and say "He's loving life! good for him!"
Speaking of speedo's: if you're in a sportingwear establishment, go up to them and put ur thumb over the "s", I won't spoil the surprise but it's definately worth the build-up!

I've decided to go clean shaven for the first time in a few weeks, it's a life change I think just suits my lifestyle more! What I have found out though is that when I shave I have to go over with the electric razor first then finish with a wet shave. I know now that doing a bad job at stage 1, then leaving stage 2, the wet shave, for a whole day, is not a good idea! Scratchy and uneven is how I'd describe it! Seriously considered rubbing my chin against people today to squeeze them for information, that is if I were torture-inclined!

Thinking back on it now though...Craig Charles wouldn't be stunned at a robot army. He'd have seen in coming, and I would simply impose him as the sort of Jesus-figure for the forces to rally behind. It would be glorious.

Have I a new foe in this mysterious "D" character? Find out next time...that he leaves disparaging comments!
Also next time, the next installment to the critically acclaimed series Big Daddy and Pissingham

He's describing how big the chances are of any robot defeating him in the arena!

Candles, Zombies, and the triumphant return of Big Daddy and Pissingham!

My evenings have gotten darker. Money worries, 99 problems if you don't count the one with the bitch, a rap career that has yet to take off. Everyday problems. But mainly my evenings will be darker is because my amazing triple-powered candle has flickered its last and died a respectable death :(

I should point out for the record that there ain't no problems with my delightful ladyfriend, if anyone who knows her is reading this!

I hit upon an excellant idea, though I admit it's probably been done! What I thought of was you get 26 identical red boxes....

Then I had another idea where I went on my facebook page (I choose to remain anonymous for this, I don't want any fanboy mail) and since I'm in the time-line camp, there were 8 random friends displayed near the top. Okay so this'll be more fun if you play along with me! If you don't have facebook chances are you also don't own a computer so how are you even reading this? Also if you don't have 8 friends on facebook then just choose 8 things you've 'liked' e.g. Resident Evil, Levi's, or NHS Blood Donations! It should still work but will require more imagination!

Okay so imagine you and your 8 friends are a group of survivors in a zombie apocalypse! Now choose one of you to kill off quickly! Come on don't be shy, chances are high that 1 in 8 of your facebook friends you don't really care for!

The rest is really up to you! In my imagination was a whirlwind adventure of swashbuckling, hilarity, and bargain-hunting! In that order!

I may return to this trail of thought in the future! But in the meantime I'd love to hear where your own adventure leads you! Try to avoid shopping centres they are too cleché! Don't use real names either, I've decided I'd rather give people new names based loosely on what they're like!

Oh also I'd greatly enjoy putting my music library on shuffle and having the plot of my story influenced by whatever comes on! I must say I do love the idea of disco-dancing zombies with massive 'fro's!

Some readers may remember I wrote about the adventures of Big Daddy in New York City, a few issues ago. Sadly it didn't involve any zombies, but hey I am nothing if not changeable so I will leave that door open! Which when there're zombies around is always asking for trouble! I also noticed I've picked up one reader in Malaysia! Along with Britain, the USA and Germany, this post is truly becoming intercontinental! My favorite thing about Malaysia in particular is that it consists of thirteen states and three federal territories and has a total landmass of 329,847 square kilometres (127,350 sq mi) separated by the South China Sea into two similarly sized regions, Peninsular Malaysia and Malaysian Borneo.

"Sir that's truly fascinating, but I don't remember actually asking anything Malaysia, or geography at all!" exclaimed Pissingham, my faithful butler and dogsbody.

That's because I haven't even begun the tales of  Bid Daddy and Pissingham yet, be patient!

And now we return to the adventures of Big Daddy and his faithful sidekick Pissingham! As you probably recall they'd been in the Sequinned Rim (well Bid Daddy had, Pissingham I only thought to add after I'd finished that issue, but for continuity's sake he was there, just in the toilet having a pretty heavy episode in there!) To be brutally honest I wrote it a while ago, so I can't really remember what the general plot was, but we'll say that they've just staggered into their humble abode between 45th Street and 814st Avenue.


As soon as the front door closed, I realised something was wrong. I was still outside!
"Pissingham you fiend! Let me in!"
I banged on the door for hours, but the off-licence was well and truly closed!
Hours later I managed to get back into my abode. I found Pissingham in the kitchen and took out the slip of paper that I'd been been given by Mark Chubb but had neglected to mention until then. I wasn't at all anxious to advance the plot! Pissingham wouldn't play ball, however, and dutiful as ever, asked "what's that?"

"Well, Pissingham", i replied, "Mark Chubb has a job for us. In exactly ten days he and Benji Phresh want to seal their relationship with a civil partnership in town. That's all well and good but Mr Chubb's wish was to have his brother, Mick Salmon, be best man. The thing is, Mr Salmon went missing as of yesterday afternoon?"
"So he hired us to find his missing brother before he even went missing?!" Pissingham was aghast.
"Quite so, old friend! You must admit the man is organised!"
"I'LL ADMIT NOTHING!"

Hours passed. As morning appeared and we both, for the most part, sobered up, I deployed my Mac #copyright and opened up an email that I sensed was from Mark. At last! A lead!
I put it on the dog and we went for a walk. It was a bit surprising as until then I hadn't owned a dog. Suddenly it stood up on its hind legs and handed me a note. It told me its name was Luke Dawkings and he was undercover trying to root out a leak in the local police canine unit. I tried to ask why he was allowing me to lead him round Central Park carrying a generously-filled bag of his leavings, but I didn't want to attract the weird looks from people watching a man having an in-depth conversation with his own dog.
At that moment Dawkings (or Patch as I'd come to call him), spotted a familiar man dressed as a feline and gave chase with a bark. I let him go after the other man, but I had to admit that Pissingham did look damn good in a catsuit!

Hours passed. I took Dawkings back to the flat. Chasing Pissingham round the park had worn him out so I left him in the hall licking his own testicles and read the note he had given me earlier. It made for interesting reading. Patch claimed that Mr Salmon had been seen with his youngest sister Miss Starfish, and their fat Auntie Whale, heading to the Sequinned Rim the night before, but had been put off by the name so had gone to the rival bar across the road called the Shiney Vagazzle, where it was lady's night!
Mind mind raced!

What could Salmon want in the Shiney Vagazzle? Where did Miss Starfish and Fat Auntie Whale fit into the equation? How much would it cost to have Mr Dawkings spayed? Was that Pissingham having a pole installed in the front room?
These were all questions I'd have to find answers to if I was going to track down Mr Salmon in time for Chubb'n'Phresh's civil partnership! It was time to live my dream of buying a frock and visiting the Shiney Vagazzle for some undercover work!



It's a candle, but also looks dark and gritty enough to be a METAPHOR!!! #metaphorsftw

Recently returned from being ill, having a birthday, and wearing very short shorts!

So as "Summer" disappears and Autumn rears its multi-coloured head, I cannot help but think back on some of the highlights of Summer 2012, like the rain in May, the showers in June, the storms in July, the pissing it down in August and the weatherly misery of September. But on the upside I have started a love affair with porridge for breakfast lately and that's rather made it all better! I especially like sultanas and brown sugar, but this week I experimented with some golden syrup, it was divine!

I've had a cracking 9 days off work, but am cautiously optimistic about going back in....15 minutes so this might be a bit of a short entry which is occasionally an excuse I have to make in the bedroom :( #lolza

I recently had my yearly birthday, too, which was rather good. Now I'm getting old, I feel like I have to make it my mission in life to fight the aging process, so me and some friends went out on the razzle-dazzle (for those people a bit less hip than us, that means out on the tiles) and we spent a glorious hour in a kareoke bar! I am more than partial to some kareoke, but when my song comes up and some JOKER has swapped Billy Joel's (not Backstreet Boys.... theiving wankers) Uptown Girl for Baby by someone called Jasper Bebo and I don't know how it goes, I had to go all Captain Kirk on their ass's and do a spoken word version of it! Need I say that it brought the house down?

Yesterday at the gym, before leaving I couldn't find my regular gymwear, so had to make do with my old school (and also it was very old-skool) PE stuff! Never have shorter shorts been worn, and let me tell you it felt great! I also tried out the sauna and steam room, and it wasn't at all suspect that as soon as I opened the door to the sauna the two ladies already inside immidiately stood up and left! #ladykiller

This picture is a more-or-less accurate representation of me working out!

You know what Yvonne Fair? It didn't HAVE to be you!

"...Since we're on the topic, CAN ghosts breathe underwater?"
I looked at the phone in my hand, before remembering I wasn't on the phone, the person was in the room with me. Still, if they kept acting as crazy as they had been this last hour, the device I was holding might have to be used to beat them unconcious whilst I phoned the police and had this nutjob locked up.
"I don't know if they can breathe underwater, Mom", I sighed. Since I was staying in New York I felt it was only common courtesy to use the American spelling of the word, and I could tell all the natives I spoke to appreciated it."Now please leave."
As she got up to find a hotel to stay in, (my guest room was being used by the cat), I sank back into my armchair and closed my eyes with satisfaction as the joyous tones of Gina G came on over the grammarphone.

That was an excerpt from an idea I had called "Big Grandaddy", which is a spin-off of Bid Daddy and Pissingham. Let me know what you think!

I was musing the other day about the game Dead Rising 2 and the idea of Zombrex. So you have to, as Chuck (who btw gets bitten loads if you're as good as it as I am, and yet never turns into a zombie or anything? what's that about?! at least on The Walking Dead game if you get bitten that's it, game over!) anyway as Chuck you have to find Zombrex which is dotted about the map and not kept in an emergency crate in the emergency shelter where you're staying with your infected daughter! So you have to get the Zombrex and give it to her between 7am and 8am every day or she'll turn into a zombie! She's like 5 and spends the whole game on her PERSONAL GAMEGEAR with headphones on! how much of a connection with her can he have?! plus it says it's very expensive, why doesn't she have a job to pay towards some of it herself?! I reckon our hero Chuck is being taken for a massive ride! Just imagine if he wants to ever have a lie-in in his life he can't because she might kill him whilst he sleeps in until 8:01!

One of the better ideas I've heard recently is the idea to combine Scraphead Challenge with Xfactor (sort of) and get a band of wouldbe musicians (i know, i know, nothing to do with Xfactor) and they have to build musical instruments out of rubbish in a scrapyard and then perform a popular hit from a decade of the judge's choice! it would be amazing! Also Sexfactor would be good, where contestants battle to become the most successful pimps in seedy European cities! And TRexfactor! well i dont think i even need to explain that one!

"I feel crummy!"

It all takes me back to that time I got ahold of a batch of super-heavy-duty permanent pens and we were on the train (so you can tell this was before I started driving!) and i handed one of my mate, for anonymity's sake I'm going to give him the name Ben G. Phresh, and said RIGHT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T DRAW ON ANYTHING COS IT WILL NEVER COME OFF. I should have guessed that Phresh being Phresh (as he so often is) he went and drew a big penis right on the wall! Crazy times!

I'm sure you were wondering what actually it was that did take me back to that time! Well I was in a bar in New York, however I was under 21 so couldn't actually drink at the time, I'd made up for it by drinking heavily with my breakfast at the airport before I flew over there. I put on some Billy Joel on the Jukebox and some dood @ the bar turned to his buddy and said "Billy Joel in New York? ALRIGHT!" and there was much joy!

As soon as the song finished, Ben G. Phresh and his life partner Mark Chubb entered with Mark's entourage in tow. I tipped back my authentic cowboy hat with the authentic pink edging and sequinned rim (which is also the name of the bar I was in, as it happens!). Phresh was just out of the big house, that's where I'd met him the previous decade after I'd rolled three doubles in a row! I had a bad feeling about this. I was meant to be in the Big Apple on vacation, and here were two guys who practically screamed that they had work for one Mr B. Daddy. The bartender asked that they keep it down. It smelt bad, but that served me right for sitting right outside the Men's Room.

Back to that story at a later date. #cliffhanger

Anyway, what's inspired this rather Western-themed entry is an acquaintance of mine who's staying over here to study from Chicago. (Note: those of you with access to Youtube, please search "My Kind of Town" by Frank Sinatra and listen to it in the background whilst reading this bit). So she come's over here to study in London and we were talking and she uses the phrase "I feel crummy partner!" and i just gaped! No-one in my life had ever used such an expression, it revolutionised my entire existance! It was quite something! #multiculturalism4thewin

Back to the Sequinned Rim for more ballbusting action!

I stubbed out my cigarillo on the floor, damaging my croc in the process.
"So, Mr Daddy, said Chubb" said Ben G Phresh, "you can see we got a problem here!"
I stubbed out the melted remains of my funky outdoor footwear, mentally adding them to my fast-approaching first draft of a Christmas list.
"I dunno Benji", I said. I knew that mispronouncing his name always drove him into a frenzy, but that's just the kind of sick bastard I was that particular evening. For some reason he didn't seem to notice...maybe next time... "It smells of some deep shit!"
"Then why are we still sitting right outside the John?!" complained the old crone Cruella, leader of Chubb's extensive all-woman gang.
I left the Sequinned Rim, carefully avoiding falling through any of the gaping holes in the plot, and thought about my next move...


I hope you enjoyed The All New Adventures of Big Daddy, I may write more about his exploits next time!

<<This is an artist (with a camera)'s impression of what the Sequinned Rim might look like in real life!

Lol have you noticed how the first thing to be made messy on a desk is the desk tidy?!

What was the deal at school when they (who're they?) asked you all to make the letter's look old and ruined by dipping them in tea and then cremating them? Well that's all well and good, I'm sure the paper just stank of PG Tips back in the good ol' days! Speaking of which I've got a tip for PG Tips! Bring back the chimpanzees!

Anyway my point was I was lighting a candle and I've got this fantastic postcard from a dear friend with some hilarious Guiness Pints which have been personified into characters saying some witty line about being swallowed! I think it would be funnier if they said they were getting drunk, as the people drinking them would be! LOLZA Anyway my point was, in your class was there someone who would burn the paper and THEN write about plague and wattle and dorb? How stupid can you get? Then they'd go and write around the fire-holes! OH EM GEE. If you remember someone doing that, find them and mock them!

I also am very much enjoying the Elvis Presley atm, I think it's because I can just spy Christmas creeping over the distant horizon (I've not said it's nearly here, so Christmas-haters take a break from hating!) Everyone knows he's been in many films, back in the day, but fewer people are aware of his more recent film, Bubba Hotep, where he plays himself and gives a spellbinding, spine-tingling performance as he battles a sort of cowboy spectre around an old peoples' home with the help of JFK. Based on the true story.

I was thinking recently about people who have huge dents and holes in their cars and cover it up with Duct tape, and could you build an entire car out of Duct Tape? Surely it would be cheaper! I was at the gym and watching music videos to hip hop music whilst listening to decent stuff (Like Aqua and Carly Rae) on my iPod, and there was one where this woman has a cardboard car. I'm just thinking can these two quite seperate (on the surface) phenomenons be just coincidences?

One day I was rooting around through iPlayer and I believe I was one of the first people to discover Pointless, hosted by Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osmon. It's like a daytime quiz show. It's also amazing. I think I must have watched about 10 episodes back to back that day! They get the easy questions like 'Name a Country' and then you'd get morons going HURRPY DERPY IS THE SEA A COUNTRY? And then they'd be like name some musicals by Andrew Lloyd Webber, and you'd get some people going errrrrrrrrrm i think I'll go with Cats, no-one will have heard of that!


I strongly beleive that if you got all the people from earlier who did the burnt tea paper incorrectly, and got them to fight the stupidest contestants from Pointless, got it hosted by David Dickinson, with the star prize being a guest appearance in the PG Tips adverts having faeces thrown at them by the chimps (who have probably become feral by now!) that would make the finest programming ever to appear on television!       

That feeling when you realise you just missed the expiry date on your Tesco Clubcard voucher for £2 off when you spend £20 in store!

Feels bad when your last clubcard voucher has run out 2 days previously, heaven knows I've been saving it for a special occasion! Especially since the vodka won't be on offer forever, I just haven't been drinking my current bottle fast enough! #wellvexed!

It's never too early in the morning to light some candles and get all medieval up in this bitch! My companion found out if you waste enough time and melted wax you can make a decent rendition of a human eyeball! I, of course, remanded her for her wasteful nature and we had to throw it away in my bin, but it had no liner in it atm because things I've just got too much going on in my personal life to think about putting aside the time to reline it.

It's true what they say, they don't even have to try to have a good time! I know I'm re-referencing Carly Rae and Owlcity, but it really is a good song for the early morning! I'd defo put my hand up to indicate that I'm down for getting down! And haters better not claim I'm running out of ideas (or my bad grammar like starting a sentence with 'and' #cringe!)....long bracketed claus...refind the original sentence....READY! Right I was sayin' I'm not running out of ideas because I was going to write about the dream I had last night but I don't think it was very memorable!

So instead I'm going to write about some memorable dreams that have haunted my life throughout! But first I wanted to say hello to my readers in the USA, so HOWDY!, and also to my readers in Germany! GUTEN TAG!

I'm anxious to lure in more overseas bloggers to read my OC so I'm going to start bigging up some countries so I can raise the multi-cultural-appeal! I here that it works very well in New Zealand! :)

Anyway back to my dreams! I remember one that spooked me as a child growing up in Southern England (but for the purposes of my overseas readers I might have grown up in *insert name of your native country here* #includingyourselfisfun!). Okay I was in a big old house and I'd just stepped into the hall after saying goodbye to this lady with glasses who sat behind a desk. I still to this day don't know who she was, but I often think about her, and wonder how this framed picture of her appeared on my bedside table! Anyway suddenly this terrifying beast appeared! It had 6 (six) arms, four black that it walked on two held out in front of it like someone does when they're wandering around trying to look like a zombie and at the same time groping for a lightswich in the dark! And it had a cat's face but with a giant beak like that big bird on the telephone wire in the short film that comes on before Monsters Inc.! The scariest thing was that this dream was released years before Monsters Inc. was ever conceived, so maybe Pixar has hired some phychics to pick the brains of the young! Anyway so there were some bearded men downstairs plotting in some study (I know, epic foreshadowing of the problems in the 21st century!), If only the government started asking children about their dreams and stopped trying to be trendy and cool! So these plotters incredibly saved me from the bird-cat-beast by stuffing an entire pillow down it's throat!

That's all for now! To all my readers in Benin, goodbye!

 
OMG it looks a lot like my monster!!!!

I feel like such a winner today, and not just because I won £1 on a scratchcard let me tell you!

I feel that as I approach the ripe ol' age of 22 next week, life has rarely been this big! Only today I won £1 on a scratchcard #winning! 



As I'm scribing (by candlelight #trustorybro) I'm truly enjoying the musical magic of OwlCity and Carly Rae Jepson. Some may say I'm a few months behind everyone else, but I say if I was a mother I'd do the hump!


I feel really inspired to write on this blog, especially after listening to the rhythmic joys of Aqua's Greatest Hits! In my opinion, Barbie Girl and Doctor Jones! It really makes me appreciate my own life!


I've been indulging in CANDLES and LOVIN' lately, and everyone involved has had their lives improved by a factor of 3 #LIFECUBED!

I can't get enough of getting enough...

I also can't get enough of going to car boot sales and getting bargain artwork, and covering my walls in it! I remember this Summer I had like £6 left or summink and I said to the nice man I've only got £6 left or summink how many kilos of art can I purchase? He was lark well M8 I'm only gonna flog you three kilos for that, and I was like what a bargain, surprise me with whatever you got! The three I got one was like a man in a turban behind a vase and a trumpet, one was an old washer woman with a dwarf nby some gumdrop cottages, and the last was a sort of square factory.

 I went to the post office today as well, there were two women sitting in some chairs i was like are u q-ing? They weren't! #winning! 

Then we went off to Haywards Heath to use the other Post Office, cos I love the Post Office it reminds me of my girlfriend. Then I went to Gamestation and met this hilarious guy! He called my companion a whore! She's like the Amy Pond to my David Tennant.

I've been thinking of developing my hair into a perm. Sorry MAN is this getting a bit too real for you, bro?!

Speaking of wrapping things up (I was talking about it with my companion whilst thinking about to type, before you posers say HEY MAN YOU WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT WRAPPING UP!) I am well looking forward to christmas! More on this subject tomorrow! PEACE OUT