Something hilarious with chips - like a clown fish

My last post left something to be desired in that I kinda wimped out of revealing much more of the 'plot' of Dog In The Mist. This was partly due to me wanting to build some suspense. You know how a tv show is best watched in separate episodes rather than just marathon-ing through (like I did with Season 4 of Walking Dead last weekend. That was still great as it's such a boss program). Another reason for not delving deeper into the adventures of the missing man - I have forgotten his name - is because I was so emotionally invested in dissing Youtubers and Lad Bible.
While the threat of a rant about Youtube comments, politicians and the detailed stupidity of racism are all tempting, I must carry on with the story...

Actually, I'm in charge here, and like I said they are mighty tempting to rant about...
Yeah but you also said you MUST carry on with the story!
Agreed but we both saw the viewing figures on the last couple of posts. Face it they're dropping lower than -
Oh please! Do furnish us with a stupid simile involving a whore's drawers we do so love hearing it on repeat!
Well how about you come up with something amusing for once! You always leave the funny's up to me!
I was hired for my looks!
Great job, still single are we?
I prefer the term independent.
At least we've got each other.

Anyway. Back to the story.

Big Daddy fired up his computer. It was an older model so he had to put a extra lump of coal in the furnace and crank the handle a few times before it stuttered to life.
"Right, Pissingham, the main problem I have with Youtubers is the following..."

Well here's an acceptable compromise.
Agreed. Now everybody's happy.

"...they seem to just be a bunch of people who, by definition, have nothing better to do than leave their stupid opinions on a video someone has put up on Youtube. Less than nobody who matters cares what these 'people' have to say. The only redeeming feature is that I will be able to look on basically any video on Youtube and find one of these lowlives.

OK that was all written the other day. My rage against people who leave youtube comments will never go away, but it has ebbed for now.

So back to the story (for real this time) (Seriously I'm not leaving until the next chapter is complete!)

OK for first time readers (yeah right!) here's the plot so far, in some helpful bullet points:
Two detectives get hired.
They find some drugs.
They go to Craig Charles.
You with me so far? Then let's get on with it!

"Mr Charles, we've found these drugs that were produced by your drugs...shop" said Big Daddy.
"Well you've got me there. I admit that since Robot Wars fell through due to it being officially too cool for tv, I've taken to selling drugs from the toilets of this Wetherspoons".
"Well I don't approve of that, these drugs could be very dangerous if they got in someone's eye. I must ask you to go down to the police station and ask them to arrest you".
"You mean this is the end of my involvement in the story? I was expecting more of an entertaining scene!"
BD frowned. "You and the readers both! However we need to be getting on with the story. Oh also can you help us along with the plot please?"
"I dont know...will me or the House Robots appear again in this storyline?"
"Absolutely not, but there is hope for Ye Olde Tale of Sire Killalot to be a possible spin-off?"
"It's a deal. Go to the zoo, Big Daddy and Pissingham! Your destiny awaits!
"What a weird change of tone, Craig Charles. But thank you!"

They drove away from Wetherspoons and when Pissingham turned the music on in the Fiat 500 it was like entering another world. They felt like rocking out to some banging tunes by the likes of the Proclaimers

A note from the author - Hi fans. I just like to add in bits like this because I feel like it adds a sense of realism to the story. The plot was heavily influenced by the songs "King of the Road" and "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by the Proclaimers, and also the ballad "Shiver My Timbers" from the Muppets Treasure Island Theme Tune. If you pay particular attention you might notice that Pissingham's character references Proclaimers songs fairly often. Just a bit of fun for me whilst writing, hope you enjoy! ;)

As they drove to the rough 'Carni' side of town to where the ghoulish cronies at the circus could be found, BD thought it was time for the author to explore their characters more so asked Pissingham a personal question.
"How is your thousand mile trek training coming along, partner?" (Although he said it like 'pardner' like cowboys do. I'll have no homo-errotic fan-fiction about these two people. Not that there's anything wrong with homo-erroticism, far from it! I just wouldn't want to break Shaniqua's heart (she's BD's wife, if you read the cracking adventures of Peter Geist and the [find name of blog-post later and insert here] ) also the hearts of his two children [can't remember their names. Dont bother looking up - no time!]....
Anyway yes I woujldn't want to break their hearts by making the two protagonists embark on some Brokeback-esque adventure. )

"Anyway thank you for asking about my thousand mile trek adventure" said Pissingham what felt like half an hour of explanations later. "I can't do it all yet, but with a rest in the middle I'm just fine.
"So you might say..."
"Yes BD, I would indeed walk 500 miles. Then I would go on to walk 500 more"

I like to end on a hilarious joke. I hope you all saw the subtle Proclaimers reference there.

Next time on Big Daddy and Pissingham....I dont even know what thats supposed to be!

Dog in the Mist Part 3:

I'm always searching for a new angle in these blogs, so this part of the story of Dog in the Mist should, if you want to experience it correctly, not be read as a story but performed as a fine theatre production. Do get your friends and family involved.

LetThyWordsBeFurious© is proud to present...

A TimeOnHisHands production...

In association with ShouldBeDoingWork studios...

Dog in the Mist: Part 3

Cast:

Big Daddy - A serious fellow. Dislikes his family. Enjoys a spot of japery.
Pissingham - Big Daddy's partner and greatest admirer. No real character traits.
Lord Charles - Big land owner and owner of Bevensford Manor. Also used to present Robot Wars.
Ref-Bot - Lord Charles' long-serving and long-suffering, wise-cracking butler.
Matilda - Popular children's novel by Rold Dahl. Also the most beautiful young lady in the area.
Sir Killalot - A ferocious and brave knight trying to win Matilda's affections.

Scene one: Outside Bevensford Manor

Enter Big Daddy and Pissingham, on the back of a horse.

Big Daddy: Woah there, Fiat500! Settle down, girl!

Pissingham: She must smell trouble nearby.

Big Daddy: Actually I think she's just still a little upset from the incident at the petrol station.

Interlude

I felt I had to halt the production of Dog in the Mist where BD and Pissingham uncover Ref-Bot's beaten metallic corpse and get caught up in a world in intrigue and misdirection where it turns out it was Lord Charles all along after he had a hallucinogenic-induced flashback to an episode of Red Dwarf where he thought Ref-Bot was the reincarnation of the Polymorph. Hilarity/Peril ensued.

But we'll get back to that later.

I have two complaints I'd like to expand upon.

1) The Lad Bible. (And other Facebook-related shit)
Where to begin? Lad-culture has been around for a long long time of course, but lately it seems to have just become synonymous with behaving like a prize jeb-end. It's joined the really irritating parade of what have been described as 'click-bait' on facebook (which I've noticed takes up more than half of my updates these days). Have you noticed this?
"This guy's Mum will probably disown him after this"
"26 People who instantly regretted being arrested in ironic t-shirts"
"Do you know all the lyrics to Bohemium Rhapsody?"
It goes on and on! All they are are ways to throw more and more advertisements in your face, none of which anyone even pays attention to!
But yes back to Lad Bible it just grinds my gears that people would find this amusing in a non-ironic way. Any intelligent person would view it as "look how insecure and immature we can be". Most of them start with something like "You'll never guess what this Lad did!" whereas I can answer that without actually clicking the link by knowing it was probably 'gettin off with a load o' birds' or 'having a giant car' or 'getting a fucking stupid tattoo' or otherwise behaving like someone from a shit Inbetweeners Tribute Act.

2) Loud and Jaded. (and youtubers in general)

 This is something I've only just come across. It's a Youtube channel and the presenter(s) have clearly read the Youtuber's handbook on how to present a Youtube Channel.
Rule 1: Always have your face on screen and try to fit as many facial expressions in as humanly possible! If either of your eyebrows are still for over half a second you're a disgrace to the Youtuber community!
Rule 2: You must always speak with an annoying question intonation! Like everything you're saying is a question? Even when it's a statement? (You're excused if you are actually asking a question).
Rule 3: Have a really punchable face. I'm looking at you Ray William Johnson! They all try to exude a certain personality that has to be at the same time cool/funny/earnest or whatever else and I just don't buy into it. They all try to outshine one another and I dont think it ever comes across as very genuine. Fair enough they're putting on a show, but I think they just try too hard. I'm sure they're fab in RL.

Look at me I was made by a 13 year old!



Blog 8.0

Often I've sat about ruminating about what's really stopping me building a robot that was basically humanoid but would be able to beat up all the other robots in Robot War and start a robot army! Craig Charles would be stunned! As stunned as I was when I looked at Wikipedia and saw Robot Wars finished... FINISHED! ...in 2003! Unbeleivable! It was such a cornerstone of British television! And it was great in Arenas of Destruction where you could just build a robot that was a disc-shape, cover it in spikes, run it at everything and they would just flip onto their backs! #hax! Epic Game!

It seems my blog has picked up the attention of some POSER calling themselves "D" and they just throw slander at my last entry saying "niga pls". I just don't know where this leaves me!

Nothing beats a post-bath naked candle-whittling #fyi!

Also lost my 'naked in a changing room with other men' virginity this week. I mean obviously I wrapped a towel around my nethers, I'm not an exhibitionist like all those old men! They just don't care about anything anymore, and in a way I definately envy them that! Every time I'm with my good woman and see a huge fat man in the swimming pool in just speedo's I always turn to her and say "He's loving life! good for him!"
Speaking of speedo's: if you're in a sportingwear establishment, go up to them and put ur thumb over the "s", I won't spoil the surprise but it's definately worth the build-up!

I've decided to go clean shaven for the first time in a few weeks, it's a life change I think just suits my lifestyle more! What I have found out though is that when I shave I have to go over with the electric razor first then finish with a wet shave. I know now that doing a bad job at stage 1, then leaving stage 2, the wet shave, for a whole day, is not a good idea! Scratchy and uneven is how I'd describe it! Seriously considered rubbing my chin against people today to squeeze them for information, that is if I were torture-inclined!

Thinking back on it now though...Craig Charles wouldn't be stunned at a robot army. He'd have seen in coming, and I would simply impose him as the sort of Jesus-figure for the forces to rally behind. It would be glorious.

Have I a new foe in this mysterious "D" character? Find out next time...that he leaves disparaging comments!
Also next time, the next installment to the critically acclaimed series Big Daddy and Pissingham

He's describing how big the chances are of any robot defeating him in the arena!