I've not been drinking but I wish I had been!

My insides feel like they are being poked around in by an angry Sandslash!
That's the last time I mix tinned peaches with Coca-cola!
Hopefully some alcohol will clear this discomfort in my tummy!


A mince pie?! Tis edging closer to christmas after all! Not going to lie, I may have composed a mixtape featuring Santa Claus is Coming to Town, surely one of the best all time Christmas songs? And not forgetting "Must Be Santa" by Bob Dylan and "Dont let the Bells end" by the Darkness!#Classix

Who else knows that feeling when you've sold everything you didn't need on ebay, and just start moving onto your brothers possessions that you dont think he'll miss?

I've been be-gifted with a stress ring that can be fiddled with to releive stress. I use it violently beat people stressing me out and then get to say "yeah bitch i still keep my ring on, yo?"

My giant candle ran out yesterday! it was a sad day in my life, but I plan to sell on the remnants to raise money for charity!! I've had to start using the scented candles I got for my birthday! mmm Fragrant!

You know those evenings where you just drink way too much? I was with my bro and he just drank too much absinthe and ended up in a pool of his own vomit! But before that we lolled hard, and he hid under the bed and took pictures of me in my underwear (my treat to da ladies) and we hid in my car waiting for unsuspecting passers by to harrang! Good times! OR GT SHOULD I SAY?

Just a short one tonight!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qE6WQmNus

The whole 9 blogs

Facebook have asked me if I want to promote my blog? Hell Yes!
Do you want to pay via Paypal, etc etc?

CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL

So i bought myself a retro microphone for all those times the microphone built into the webcam i bought at the same time just won't cut it! Now don't tell anyone *looks around suspiciously for dramatic effect* but I have oft dreamt of being a radio DJ! It comes from the love of forcing my music taste on others! And I dont like having people talk back to me either, so it's perfect!

I'm wearing some charming purple boxer shorts today, however the hour is late so I might have to change into my PJs. The reason I'm telling you this is so you don't feel left out from the gang of pervs who no doubt have hacked into my webcam and are watching me type type type! It's one of those nuggets of information that you'd just be much happier off not knowing! It's the reason I used to point my inert webcam skywards so 'they' couldn't observe me [censored]ing! Also how the teachers at school KINDLY pointed out that when you smell a fart it is in fact bits of poop going up ur nose! I've kind of gotten over it but still!

I often think about taking naked pictures of myself with random household objects covering my good stuff! It takes me back to the time I was drying myself after a shower in the fresh air of my back garden (i dry slowly because I am very hairy) and my towel slipped. Classic! I like to think most of my neighbours loved it!

But not as much as they loved all watching me and one or two friends (not boasting) had a race down the hill of my street on whatever roadsters could be dug up from the old toys found in my garage! I rode an old computer chair, comfort and fuckin' rad! All the neighbours were at their 1st floor windows, agape! One woman actually fainted from the excitement!

I've taken the bold decision to add candlestick-whittling to my list of considerable skillz! Seriously guys this candle I've got is defective I got it off a witch at a car boot sale when I was like 6 and the candle doesn't burn big enough to melt the whole thing so it just melts down the middle so eventually you can hardly see the flame! So every once in a while I have to take my blade and cut the sides down like some sort of melting hedge!

I totes love the big green soldier statue in the park! I am well up for the idea of going their late at night (not whilst the pikeys are around obviously I'm not mental) and seeing if I can dredge up the inspiration to write a poem about it! I've never written a poem that wasn't about a lady, but I am forever up for stretching my creative "talents" so to speak so if I ever do get around to writing it you can be sure to have your heartstrings pulled by its magestive majesty! I bumped my head on it as a child and feel a deep connection to it!

It's great when I want a third vodka and coke and don't have to pay for it, cos I already gots it in ma kitchen yo! #creativejuicesflowing

Also I'm going to release my own brand of perfumes, the names of which I've been spinning in my head until I was thoroughly intoxicated! I'm thinking of Dry Heave, Bile, and my personal favorite Greasy Kiss....pour Homme! Get your head around that "D"! You bitch!

 YAY statue picture!

Candles, Zombies, and the triumphant return of Big Daddy and Pissingham!

My evenings have gotten darker. Money worries, 99 problems if you don't count the one with the bitch, a rap career that has yet to take off. Everyday problems. But mainly my evenings will be darker is because my amazing triple-powered candle has flickered its last and died a respectable death :(

I should point out for the record that there ain't no problems with my delightful ladyfriend, if anyone who knows her is reading this!

I hit upon an excellant idea, though I admit it's probably been done! What I thought of was you get 26 identical red boxes....

Then I had another idea where I went on my facebook page (I choose to remain anonymous for this, I don't want any fanboy mail) and since I'm in the time-line camp, there were 8 random friends displayed near the top. Okay so this'll be more fun if you play along with me! If you don't have facebook chances are you also don't own a computer so how are you even reading this? Also if you don't have 8 friends on facebook then just choose 8 things you've 'liked' e.g. Resident Evil, Levi's, or NHS Blood Donations! It should still work but will require more imagination!

Okay so imagine you and your 8 friends are a group of survivors in a zombie apocalypse! Now choose one of you to kill off quickly! Come on don't be shy, chances are high that 1 in 8 of your facebook friends you don't really care for!

The rest is really up to you! In my imagination was a whirlwind adventure of swashbuckling, hilarity, and bargain-hunting! In that order!

I may return to this trail of thought in the future! But in the meantime I'd love to hear where your own adventure leads you! Try to avoid shopping centres they are too cleché! Don't use real names either, I've decided I'd rather give people new names based loosely on what they're like!

Oh also I'd greatly enjoy putting my music library on shuffle and having the plot of my story influenced by whatever comes on! I must say I do love the idea of disco-dancing zombies with massive 'fro's!

Some readers may remember I wrote about the adventures of Big Daddy in New York City, a few issues ago. Sadly it didn't involve any zombies, but hey I am nothing if not changeable so I will leave that door open! Which when there're zombies around is always asking for trouble! I also noticed I've picked up one reader in Malaysia! Along with Britain, the USA and Germany, this post is truly becoming intercontinental! My favorite thing about Malaysia in particular is that it consists of thirteen states and three federal territories and has a total landmass of 329,847 square kilometres (127,350 sq mi) separated by the South China Sea into two similarly sized regions, Peninsular Malaysia and Malaysian Borneo.

"Sir that's truly fascinating, but I don't remember actually asking anything Malaysia, or geography at all!" exclaimed Pissingham, my faithful butler and dogsbody.

That's because I haven't even begun the tales of  Bid Daddy and Pissingham yet, be patient!

And now we return to the adventures of Big Daddy and his faithful sidekick Pissingham! As you probably recall they'd been in the Sequinned Rim (well Bid Daddy had, Pissingham I only thought to add after I'd finished that issue, but for continuity's sake he was there, just in the toilet having a pretty heavy episode in there!) To be brutally honest I wrote it a while ago, so I can't really remember what the general plot was, but we'll say that they've just staggered into their humble abode between 45th Street and 814st Avenue.


As soon as the front door closed, I realised something was wrong. I was still outside!
"Pissingham you fiend! Let me in!"
I banged on the door for hours, but the off-licence was well and truly closed!
Hours later I managed to get back into my abode. I found Pissingham in the kitchen and took out the slip of paper that I'd been been given by Mark Chubb but had neglected to mention until then. I wasn't at all anxious to advance the plot! Pissingham wouldn't play ball, however, and dutiful as ever, asked "what's that?"

"Well, Pissingham", i replied, "Mark Chubb has a job for us. In exactly ten days he and Benji Phresh want to seal their relationship with a civil partnership in town. That's all well and good but Mr Chubb's wish was to have his brother, Mick Salmon, be best man. The thing is, Mr Salmon went missing as of yesterday afternoon?"
"So he hired us to find his missing brother before he even went missing?!" Pissingham was aghast.
"Quite so, old friend! You must admit the man is organised!"
"I'LL ADMIT NOTHING!"

Hours passed. As morning appeared and we both, for the most part, sobered up, I deployed my Mac #copyright and opened up an email that I sensed was from Mark. At last! A lead!
I put it on the dog and we went for a walk. It was a bit surprising as until then I hadn't owned a dog. Suddenly it stood up on its hind legs and handed me a note. It told me its name was Luke Dawkings and he was undercover trying to root out a leak in the local police canine unit. I tried to ask why he was allowing me to lead him round Central Park carrying a generously-filled bag of his leavings, but I didn't want to attract the weird looks from people watching a man having an in-depth conversation with his own dog.
At that moment Dawkings (or Patch as I'd come to call him), spotted a familiar man dressed as a feline and gave chase with a bark. I let him go after the other man, but I had to admit that Pissingham did look damn good in a catsuit!

Hours passed. I took Dawkings back to the flat. Chasing Pissingham round the park had worn him out so I left him in the hall licking his own testicles and read the note he had given me earlier. It made for interesting reading. Patch claimed that Mr Salmon had been seen with his youngest sister Miss Starfish, and their fat Auntie Whale, heading to the Sequinned Rim the night before, but had been put off by the name so had gone to the rival bar across the road called the Shiney Vagazzle, where it was lady's night!
Mind mind raced!

What could Salmon want in the Shiney Vagazzle? Where did Miss Starfish and Fat Auntie Whale fit into the equation? How much would it cost to have Mr Dawkings spayed? Was that Pissingham having a pole installed in the front room?
These were all questions I'd have to find answers to if I was going to track down Mr Salmon in time for Chubb'n'Phresh's civil partnership! It was time to live my dream of buying a frock and visiting the Shiney Vagazzle for some undercover work!



It's a candle, but also looks dark and gritty enough to be a METAPHOR!!! #metaphorsftw