Can you read the past in Coffee stains?!

Now that I've got your attention I'd just like to ask how I got stuck at home alone on some Bonfire night having to dance in the garden just to lure the dog outside to do her business cos she's afraid of fireworks?!

Now I'm sitting here watching the cat lick a wire, even though she's got plenty of better things to do!

On a lonely night like this, it takes me back to another night, in another life!


My name is Big Daddy. I'm the son of a travelling medicine woman and a stay-at-home dad. I got into the detective business when I read a previous blog entry about my adventures in New York, and decided it was time to carry on the tale where it was left off, as I entered the Shiney Vagazzle after Fat Aunty Whale, or some such nonsense.

The last person to lose a fight with her was choked violently in an overtly sexual manner, which her friends who were watching found quite unsettling, and then she ate them! I would have to stay on my toes, and not just because of the mess all over the floor! I was so drunk I couldn't actually remember most of the plot points, but with Pissingham at my side I'm sure things would work out.
I saw her ahead of me, sauntering over to the bar and ordering an alcoholic beverage. I smoked my pipe and watched from the shadows, then was asked to leave as smoking indoors was strictly prohibited. Luckily I managed to get back in by parting my hair slightly differently and tearing my t-shirt down the middle so it looked a bit more hipsterish, and the bouncers didn't recognise me!
I re-entered the bar,Then I realised I'd rather talk about gritty real life drams cos let me tell you guys this facade about Big Daddy and PIssignham may be based on real life characters but I've discovered an even reall-er story to tell!

*btw there are bonus points for those of you who notice the moment I stopped writing a few days ago and started writing when very drunk*

fudge ursef I'm not not even drunk! I cant be cos i ran out of vodka yesterday and had nothing but jagerbombs and 'jeeves't to drink!

yeah so as I was saying the big story of thw week is! put urself in my shoes! i bloody wouldn't cos there're full of flippiong rainwater cos they got damned holes in! means I'll have to go buy some new trainers! the humanity! so do i go shopping in my gym trainers that were like shiney white when i got them but are a bit duller now, or my work shoes that are just getting a bit tatty but i only got them 6 months ago so what am i to do?! I miss vodka.

Yeah so then you realise you asked ur friend if she'll donate her bosoms to medical science after she dies.

Then i was playing my xbox and just shouting down the mic, even though after 5 seconds u kinda realise no-ones paying attention and they all buggered off after the first couple of waves of enemies. leaving me alone! I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS NOW MORE THAN EVER!

Lol women, at least i can revert to my old catch phrase of "women!"

yeah so i thoguht I'd get a bit hammered on whatever i could find in the cupboard...ooh Nurse McReady's surgical bruise lotion? Dont mind if i do! - and then combine that with candles and cleaning my nails with my big knife.

I've decided to put Big Daddy and Pissingham on hiatus until I actual;yl get funding to get a tv series on the subject. I dont see why if i can write stuff like that and people appreciate it why not wait until I'm getting paid for it?! Speaking of getting paid I got paid today and put some more £1 coins in my money pot! boo yah it's nearly full, and atm it's getting heavy enough to kill a burglar!

I'm so looking forward to my 10 hour work shift tomorrow. But what I am looking forward to is using my tesco vouchers to get some money off my next bottle of vodka. Who needs female company when you've got gears of war 3 and a bottle of Smirnoff's finest?

Yeah so then you realise you're so bored the best you can concoct is t try to make some slash porn about two close friends! we've all been there!

Okay so where were the first signs? pfft signs?! Who am I kidding this is no rom-com.
I didn't see any signs because I didn't listen well enough before it was too late. I was so hooked on the idea of being a better boyfriend than any of the plebs you see tricking gorgeous girls to be with them, that i didn't see I'd inadvertantly (hope thats the right word) become one without even noticing.

You never know who to be angry at, in the end.