What?!

I'm riding on a wave of fury and so I think tonight it's possible to finish this story once and for all time (until the inevitable film).

Last time we saw PC Geist he was in a alcohol-fueled daze following Big Chief Hairyback's curious incident in the strip club. With Big Daddy's, and now Big Chief Hairyback's wives missing, presumed hilarious.
Geist got ahold of the chief and dragged him out into the street. His mighty viking helmet was badly askew. His mighty war-axe had had to be abandoned, wedged in a street sign that "LOOKED AT ME FUNNY". His mighty horse, Chonsy, was similarly inebriated, so Geist dragged the immobile Chief to the nearest airport and booked them a flight to JFK airport, New York City. It was time to wrap up this tale.
While they waited for their flight, Geist called the police force in NYC to let them know he'd need a couple of rooms for a few nights, he couldn't think straight with all this alcohol in him i mean I'm njot a bloody travel agent wtf? Anyway they picked up the phoen and the bloody story continues...

"Yee haw this is the NYPD, this is Officer Rachel Prejudice, how can I help you?"

He hung up.

The rest of the police force arrived within the hour. PC Panto had finished whatever he was doing (insert something hilarious later, sure I won't forget) and had booked enough room in a NYC travel inn for him and his supporting players as well as the stage and sound crew and a pantomine horse. Officer Chuckles wasn't allowed on flights for safety reasons, so he would have to fly his way across the Ocean on a single balloon squeezed into the shape of a nice doggy. Also along for the trip were the other two characters in this story, making a grand return from early editions of Let Thy Words By Furious were Big Daddy and his assistant Pissingham, who had luckily already booked a flight. The mighty host was assembled. Next stop: The Sequinned Rim.

OH EM GEE it's liked over a year ago the author planned this to be an amazing return to the beginnings of the entire blog.

After 8 hours of flight-banter, the police force were thoroughly sick of one another. And life. #Standardflight

"Who did you leave in charge of the village police department, Chief?" asked Big Daddy, reasserting his position as a main character.
"Well, young man", replied Hairyback, in between throwing up his guts over the stewardess, Sarah. "It was either Captain Morgan or my song, Hot'n'Cold Running Water"
"...Did you say song?" queried Big Daddy, raising one monogrammed eyebrow.
"Yes, but I am quite drunk so forgive the bad typing....I mean talking" replied the Chief. "Anyway as I couldn't decide I just in the end set fire to the police station and let mob rule take over!"

They arrived at JFK without further incident. When they landed all the people without respect for themselves clapped loudly, proving what muppets they were. They were soundly jeered by those fliers who were better than them. Morons.

Anyway so all the people got off the plane and went to the Sequinned Rim to look for clues. Big Chief was very glad to get to a drinking establishment as by then he was vaguely starting to remember who he was. As he helped prop up the bar, Geist floating around asking the patrons questions pertaining to the plot.
"Wanna buy some deathsticks?" asked one shady character.
"Fuck off".

"Officer Geist!" called a gruff voice from across the room. Geist was perturbed, as he had adopted a careful disguise as Nearly-Headless Nick from Star Trekk.
"Who are you?" he asked.
The person who talked threw back his hood and cackled insanely, showing gnarled teeth and a manic look in their distant eyes.
"Chief Hairyback? Why are you here? I thought Panto had taken you back to the Premier Inn to get some sleep?"

Suddenly, something plot-relevent happened!

"Hey you, the ghost policeman over there!"

GASP

"How did you know I was a policeman?" asked Geist, holding the ruffian by his beefy neck.
"There's no time for that!" he replied with a cry, as the window behind us exploded into a storm of glass shards. The man in Geist's grip was cut to pieces by the blizzard of glass, but luckily Geist was left unharmed because, for those who have been paying attention, he is a ghost.
The popular nightclub was transformed into a scene from a horror movie as several other patrons were thrown from their feet by the exploding window-pane. I heard the sound of a car speeding off into the night, but as I was the narrator there wasn't much I could do about it! I let Geist and the other coppers know about it though.

Geist, Big Daddy and Pissingham burst out into the street just in time to see the perpetrator's speed off in what looked suspiciously like a car.
"How are we going to catch the kidnappers now?!" cried Big Daddy.

That was when something amazing happened.
Officer Chuckles tumbled from the sky on the end of a poodle-shaped balloon. Geist had never seen such a beautiful, avenging angel of death. He fell like a metiorite and luckily landed in the back of his custom-built clown-Lamborghini and the quiet New York evening was split by the round of it's banging engine erupting into a million-horsepower pursuit! Then the inevitable happened. After about two seconds the clown-Lanborghini's wheels fell off and Officer Chuckle's seat ejected into the air with a no-doubt hilarious clown-noise.

But the chase continued as the trusted drunk, Captain Morgan, returned from previous-blog-obscurity and gave chase through the streets in his customised Pirate Ship, the 25A to Chiddinsburgh! Such an exciting pursuit I cannot even describe (due to laziness) but needless to say it ended in the 25A to Chiddinsburgh firing a harpoon at the kidnapper's car and running them to ground!

Geist was right behind the Pirate Ship, galloping along on Hairyback's faithfull horse, Choncy. Somehow, Big Daddy, Pissingham and Officer Panto were all on board the horse in a nice Pony-side-car. They drew up alongside the kidnapper's car where it had stopped, carefully parked. A shadowy figure leapt from the driver's seat and tried to make a break for it, but Geist used his Dream Eater attack and got a Critical! (He's a ghost) The figure collapsed in an untidy heap!

As Big Daddy prised open the boot of the car, he discovered his beautiful wife Shaniqua, as well as Chief Hairyback's wife Morag Bigknockers. What joy!

Geist approached the crumpled figure he had disabled and pulled off his terrifying mask (that until now I had not mentioned he was wearing)! It was none other that JASPER! FROM THE FLASHBACK!

"Why, Jasper?!" ejaculated Geist.
"Because I was cast as a mere extra in a flashback, that had no point to it!" retorted Jasper, the man from the lobby of the Travel Inn. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling police!"

Officer Panto and the Crew emerge to bow to the audience followed by encore

THE END.

There. I finished something. I feel all that bit more of a man. Hope you enjoyed!

"I feel crummy!"

It all takes me back to that time I got ahold of a batch of super-heavy-duty permanent pens and we were on the train (so you can tell this was before I started driving!) and i handed one of my mate, for anonymity's sake I'm going to give him the name Ben G. Phresh, and said RIGHT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T DRAW ON ANYTHING COS IT WILL NEVER COME OFF. I should have guessed that Phresh being Phresh (as he so often is) he went and drew a big penis right on the wall! Crazy times!

I'm sure you were wondering what actually it was that did take me back to that time! Well I was in a bar in New York, however I was under 21 so couldn't actually drink at the time, I'd made up for it by drinking heavily with my breakfast at the airport before I flew over there. I put on some Billy Joel on the Jukebox and some dood @ the bar turned to his buddy and said "Billy Joel in New York? ALRIGHT!" and there was much joy!

As soon as the song finished, Ben G. Phresh and his life partner Mark Chubb entered with Mark's entourage in tow. I tipped back my authentic cowboy hat with the authentic pink edging and sequinned rim (which is also the name of the bar I was in, as it happens!). Phresh was just out of the big house, that's where I'd met him the previous decade after I'd rolled three doubles in a row! I had a bad feeling about this. I was meant to be in the Big Apple on vacation, and here were two guys who practically screamed that they had work for one Mr B. Daddy. The bartender asked that they keep it down. It smelt bad, but that served me right for sitting right outside the Men's Room.

Back to that story at a later date. #cliffhanger

Anyway, what's inspired this rather Western-themed entry is an acquaintance of mine who's staying over here to study from Chicago. (Note: those of you with access to Youtube, please search "My Kind of Town" by Frank Sinatra and listen to it in the background whilst reading this bit). So she come's over here to study in London and we were talking and she uses the phrase "I feel crummy partner!" and i just gaped! No-one in my life had ever used such an expression, it revolutionised my entire existance! It was quite something! #multiculturalism4thewin

Back to the Sequinned Rim for more ballbusting action!

I stubbed out my cigarillo on the floor, damaging my croc in the process.
"So, Mr Daddy, said Chubb" said Ben G Phresh, "you can see we got a problem here!"
I stubbed out the melted remains of my funky outdoor footwear, mentally adding them to my fast-approaching first draft of a Christmas list.
"I dunno Benji", I said. I knew that mispronouncing his name always drove him into a frenzy, but that's just the kind of sick bastard I was that particular evening. For some reason he didn't seem to notice...maybe next time... "It smells of some deep shit!"
"Then why are we still sitting right outside the John?!" complained the old crone Cruella, leader of Chubb's extensive all-woman gang.
I left the Sequinned Rim, carefully avoiding falling through any of the gaping holes in the plot, and thought about my next move...


I hope you enjoyed The All New Adventures of Big Daddy, I may write more about his exploits next time!

<<This is an artist (with a camera)'s impression of what the Sequinned Rim might look like in real life!