BLERG!

It's my time of the month...to shine! That's right! My tesco clubcard vouchers have arrived and let me tell you they must be the most bodacious set to date! £1.15 off Ben and Jerrys?! Hold the effing phone!

I've also been experimenting with my candle. Not in a Billie Piper callgirl kinda way, but like I blew it out the other day then rested it at an angle, so the wax all dried sideways. I'm off the rails C-unit! Needless to say I've re-lit it, and nothing that exciting is happening.

Currently I'm drinking alone, but then again with some Frank Sinatra on the blower you're never truly alone! Oh Mack the Knife, how I adore this tune!

I've also had a tidy-up of my room. I decided to send my old phone to one of these phone recycling websites, but i was a bit apprehensive that they might be illegally making money selling the nude pictures of myself i left on my phone! That's a lie, I left them on there on purpose for attention :(

I've become addicted to 30rock atm. In a little over a week or so I've watched 3 seasons, it's so good! I'd seriously recommend it! But it's like when I OD'd on Scrubs, I find that when one watches a sitcom season to season back to back, you stop laughing and just start following the character developments more, and see it more like a drama. Try it and see what I mean!

Another thing I tidied were the dozen or so DVDs and CDs that ebay just couldn't take off my hands, selling them off to MusicMagpie for pittance, but at least they're not taking up valuable space in my boudoir now! And they will take off my hands the couple of DVDs I hurriedly purchased then realised they're the wrong bloody area code! The Mark is and amazing film, but how am I possibly meant to enjoy it spoken in American?!

The whole 9 blogs

Facebook have asked me if I want to promote my blog? Hell Yes!
Do you want to pay via Paypal, etc etc?

CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL

So i bought myself a retro microphone for all those times the microphone built into the webcam i bought at the same time just won't cut it! Now don't tell anyone *looks around suspiciously for dramatic effect* but I have oft dreamt of being a radio DJ! It comes from the love of forcing my music taste on others! And I dont like having people talk back to me either, so it's perfect!

I'm wearing some charming purple boxer shorts today, however the hour is late so I might have to change into my PJs. The reason I'm telling you this is so you don't feel left out from the gang of pervs who no doubt have hacked into my webcam and are watching me type type type! It's one of those nuggets of information that you'd just be much happier off not knowing! It's the reason I used to point my inert webcam skywards so 'they' couldn't observe me [censored]ing! Also how the teachers at school KINDLY pointed out that when you smell a fart it is in fact bits of poop going up ur nose! I've kind of gotten over it but still!

I often think about taking naked pictures of myself with random household objects covering my good stuff! It takes me back to the time I was drying myself after a shower in the fresh air of my back garden (i dry slowly because I am very hairy) and my towel slipped. Classic! I like to think most of my neighbours loved it!

But not as much as they loved all watching me and one or two friends (not boasting) had a race down the hill of my street on whatever roadsters could be dug up from the old toys found in my garage! I rode an old computer chair, comfort and fuckin' rad! All the neighbours were at their 1st floor windows, agape! One woman actually fainted from the excitement!

I've taken the bold decision to add candlestick-whittling to my list of considerable skillz! Seriously guys this candle I've got is defective I got it off a witch at a car boot sale when I was like 6 and the candle doesn't burn big enough to melt the whole thing so it just melts down the middle so eventually you can hardly see the flame! So every once in a while I have to take my blade and cut the sides down like some sort of melting hedge!

I totes love the big green soldier statue in the park! I am well up for the idea of going their late at night (not whilst the pikeys are around obviously I'm not mental) and seeing if I can dredge up the inspiration to write a poem about it! I've never written a poem that wasn't about a lady, but I am forever up for stretching my creative "talents" so to speak so if I ever do get around to writing it you can be sure to have your heartstrings pulled by its magestive majesty! I bumped my head on it as a child and feel a deep connection to it!

It's great when I want a third vodka and coke and don't have to pay for it, cos I already gots it in ma kitchen yo! #creativejuicesflowing

Also I'm going to release my own brand of perfumes, the names of which I've been spinning in my head until I was thoroughly intoxicated! I'm thinking of Dry Heave, Bile, and my personal favorite Greasy Kiss....pour Homme! Get your head around that "D"! You bitch!

 YAY statue picture!

Blog 8.0

Often I've sat about ruminating about what's really stopping me building a robot that was basically humanoid but would be able to beat up all the other robots in Robot War and start a robot army! Craig Charles would be stunned! As stunned as I was when I looked at Wikipedia and saw Robot Wars finished... FINISHED! ...in 2003! Unbeleivable! It was such a cornerstone of British television! And it was great in Arenas of Destruction where you could just build a robot that was a disc-shape, cover it in spikes, run it at everything and they would just flip onto their backs! #hax! Epic Game!

It seems my blog has picked up the attention of some POSER calling themselves "D" and they just throw slander at my last entry saying "niga pls". I just don't know where this leaves me!

Nothing beats a post-bath naked candle-whittling #fyi!

Also lost my 'naked in a changing room with other men' virginity this week. I mean obviously I wrapped a towel around my nethers, I'm not an exhibitionist like all those old men! They just don't care about anything anymore, and in a way I definately envy them that! Every time I'm with my good woman and see a huge fat man in the swimming pool in just speedo's I always turn to her and say "He's loving life! good for him!"
Speaking of speedo's: if you're in a sportingwear establishment, go up to them and put ur thumb over the "s", I won't spoil the surprise but it's definately worth the build-up!

I've decided to go clean shaven for the first time in a few weeks, it's a life change I think just suits my lifestyle more! What I have found out though is that when I shave I have to go over with the electric razor first then finish with a wet shave. I know now that doing a bad job at stage 1, then leaving stage 2, the wet shave, for a whole day, is not a good idea! Scratchy and uneven is how I'd describe it! Seriously considered rubbing my chin against people today to squeeze them for information, that is if I were torture-inclined!

Thinking back on it now though...Craig Charles wouldn't be stunned at a robot army. He'd have seen in coming, and I would simply impose him as the sort of Jesus-figure for the forces to rally behind. It would be glorious.

Have I a new foe in this mysterious "D" character? Find out next time...that he leaves disparaging comments!
Also next time, the next installment to the critically acclaimed series Big Daddy and Pissingham

He's describing how big the chances are of any robot defeating him in the arena!

Candles, Zombies, and the triumphant return of Big Daddy and Pissingham!

My evenings have gotten darker. Money worries, 99 problems if you don't count the one with the bitch, a rap career that has yet to take off. Everyday problems. But mainly my evenings will be darker is because my amazing triple-powered candle has flickered its last and died a respectable death :(

I should point out for the record that there ain't no problems with my delightful ladyfriend, if anyone who knows her is reading this!

I hit upon an excellant idea, though I admit it's probably been done! What I thought of was you get 26 identical red boxes....

Then I had another idea where I went on my facebook page (I choose to remain anonymous for this, I don't want any fanboy mail) and since I'm in the time-line camp, there were 8 random friends displayed near the top. Okay so this'll be more fun if you play along with me! If you don't have facebook chances are you also don't own a computer so how are you even reading this? Also if you don't have 8 friends on facebook then just choose 8 things you've 'liked' e.g. Resident Evil, Levi's, or NHS Blood Donations! It should still work but will require more imagination!

Okay so imagine you and your 8 friends are a group of survivors in a zombie apocalypse! Now choose one of you to kill off quickly! Come on don't be shy, chances are high that 1 in 8 of your facebook friends you don't really care for!

The rest is really up to you! In my imagination was a whirlwind adventure of swashbuckling, hilarity, and bargain-hunting! In that order!

I may return to this trail of thought in the future! But in the meantime I'd love to hear where your own adventure leads you! Try to avoid shopping centres they are too cleché! Don't use real names either, I've decided I'd rather give people new names based loosely on what they're like!

Oh also I'd greatly enjoy putting my music library on shuffle and having the plot of my story influenced by whatever comes on! I must say I do love the idea of disco-dancing zombies with massive 'fro's!

Some readers may remember I wrote about the adventures of Big Daddy in New York City, a few issues ago. Sadly it didn't involve any zombies, but hey I am nothing if not changeable so I will leave that door open! Which when there're zombies around is always asking for trouble! I also noticed I've picked up one reader in Malaysia! Along with Britain, the USA and Germany, this post is truly becoming intercontinental! My favorite thing about Malaysia in particular is that it consists of thirteen states and three federal territories and has a total landmass of 329,847 square kilometres (127,350 sq mi) separated by the South China Sea into two similarly sized regions, Peninsular Malaysia and Malaysian Borneo.

"Sir that's truly fascinating, but I don't remember actually asking anything Malaysia, or geography at all!" exclaimed Pissingham, my faithful butler and dogsbody.

That's because I haven't even begun the tales of  Bid Daddy and Pissingham yet, be patient!

And now we return to the adventures of Big Daddy and his faithful sidekick Pissingham! As you probably recall they'd been in the Sequinned Rim (well Bid Daddy had, Pissingham I only thought to add after I'd finished that issue, but for continuity's sake he was there, just in the toilet having a pretty heavy episode in there!) To be brutally honest I wrote it a while ago, so I can't really remember what the general plot was, but we'll say that they've just staggered into their humble abode between 45th Street and 814st Avenue.


As soon as the front door closed, I realised something was wrong. I was still outside!
"Pissingham you fiend! Let me in!"
I banged on the door for hours, but the off-licence was well and truly closed!
Hours later I managed to get back into my abode. I found Pissingham in the kitchen and took out the slip of paper that I'd been been given by Mark Chubb but had neglected to mention until then. I wasn't at all anxious to advance the plot! Pissingham wouldn't play ball, however, and dutiful as ever, asked "what's that?"

"Well, Pissingham", i replied, "Mark Chubb has a job for us. In exactly ten days he and Benji Phresh want to seal their relationship with a civil partnership in town. That's all well and good but Mr Chubb's wish was to have his brother, Mick Salmon, be best man. The thing is, Mr Salmon went missing as of yesterday afternoon?"
"So he hired us to find his missing brother before he even went missing?!" Pissingham was aghast.
"Quite so, old friend! You must admit the man is organised!"
"I'LL ADMIT NOTHING!"

Hours passed. As morning appeared and we both, for the most part, sobered up, I deployed my Mac #copyright and opened up an email that I sensed was from Mark. At last! A lead!
I put it on the dog and we went for a walk. It was a bit surprising as until then I hadn't owned a dog. Suddenly it stood up on its hind legs and handed me a note. It told me its name was Luke Dawkings and he was undercover trying to root out a leak in the local police canine unit. I tried to ask why he was allowing me to lead him round Central Park carrying a generously-filled bag of his leavings, but I didn't want to attract the weird looks from people watching a man having an in-depth conversation with his own dog.
At that moment Dawkings (or Patch as I'd come to call him), spotted a familiar man dressed as a feline and gave chase with a bark. I let him go after the other man, but I had to admit that Pissingham did look damn good in a catsuit!

Hours passed. I took Dawkings back to the flat. Chasing Pissingham round the park had worn him out so I left him in the hall licking his own testicles and read the note he had given me earlier. It made for interesting reading. Patch claimed that Mr Salmon had been seen with his youngest sister Miss Starfish, and their fat Auntie Whale, heading to the Sequinned Rim the night before, but had been put off by the name so had gone to the rival bar across the road called the Shiney Vagazzle, where it was lady's night!
Mind mind raced!

What could Salmon want in the Shiney Vagazzle? Where did Miss Starfish and Fat Auntie Whale fit into the equation? How much would it cost to have Mr Dawkings spayed? Was that Pissingham having a pole installed in the front room?
These were all questions I'd have to find answers to if I was going to track down Mr Salmon in time for Chubb'n'Phresh's civil partnership! It was time to live my dream of buying a frock and visiting the Shiney Vagazzle for some undercover work!



It's a candle, but also looks dark and gritty enough to be a METAPHOR!!! #metaphorsftw

Recently returned from being ill, having a birthday, and wearing very short shorts!

So as "Summer" disappears and Autumn rears its multi-coloured head, I cannot help but think back on some of the highlights of Summer 2012, like the rain in May, the showers in June, the storms in July, the pissing it down in August and the weatherly misery of September. But on the upside I have started a love affair with porridge for breakfast lately and that's rather made it all better! I especially like sultanas and brown sugar, but this week I experimented with some golden syrup, it was divine!

I've had a cracking 9 days off work, but am cautiously optimistic about going back in....15 minutes so this might be a bit of a short entry which is occasionally an excuse I have to make in the bedroom :( #lolza

I recently had my yearly birthday, too, which was rather good. Now I'm getting old, I feel like I have to make it my mission in life to fight the aging process, so me and some friends went out on the razzle-dazzle (for those people a bit less hip than us, that means out on the tiles) and we spent a glorious hour in a kareoke bar! I am more than partial to some kareoke, but when my song comes up and some JOKER has swapped Billy Joel's (not Backstreet Boys.... theiving wankers) Uptown Girl for Baby by someone called Jasper Bebo and I don't know how it goes, I had to go all Captain Kirk on their ass's and do a spoken word version of it! Need I say that it brought the house down?

Yesterday at the gym, before leaving I couldn't find my regular gymwear, so had to make do with my old school (and also it was very old-skool) PE stuff! Never have shorter shorts been worn, and let me tell you it felt great! I also tried out the sauna and steam room, and it wasn't at all suspect that as soon as I opened the door to the sauna the two ladies already inside immidiately stood up and left! #ladykiller

This picture is a more-or-less accurate representation of me working out!

You know what Yvonne Fair? It didn't HAVE to be you!

"...Since we're on the topic, CAN ghosts breathe underwater?"
I looked at the phone in my hand, before remembering I wasn't on the phone, the person was in the room with me. Still, if they kept acting as crazy as they had been this last hour, the device I was holding might have to be used to beat them unconcious whilst I phoned the police and had this nutjob locked up.
"I don't know if they can breathe underwater, Mom", I sighed. Since I was staying in New York I felt it was only common courtesy to use the American spelling of the word, and I could tell all the natives I spoke to appreciated it."Now please leave."
As she got up to find a hotel to stay in, (my guest room was being used by the cat), I sank back into my armchair and closed my eyes with satisfaction as the joyous tones of Gina G came on over the grammarphone.

That was an excerpt from an idea I had called "Big Grandaddy", which is a spin-off of Bid Daddy and Pissingham. Let me know what you think!

I was musing the other day about the game Dead Rising 2 and the idea of Zombrex. So you have to, as Chuck (who btw gets bitten loads if you're as good as it as I am, and yet never turns into a zombie or anything? what's that about?! at least on The Walking Dead game if you get bitten that's it, game over!) anyway as Chuck you have to find Zombrex which is dotted about the map and not kept in an emergency crate in the emergency shelter where you're staying with your infected daughter! So you have to get the Zombrex and give it to her between 7am and 8am every day or she'll turn into a zombie! She's like 5 and spends the whole game on her PERSONAL GAMEGEAR with headphones on! how much of a connection with her can he have?! plus it says it's very expensive, why doesn't she have a job to pay towards some of it herself?! I reckon our hero Chuck is being taken for a massive ride! Just imagine if he wants to ever have a lie-in in his life he can't because she might kill him whilst he sleeps in until 8:01!

One of the better ideas I've heard recently is the idea to combine Scraphead Challenge with Xfactor (sort of) and get a band of wouldbe musicians (i know, i know, nothing to do with Xfactor) and they have to build musical instruments out of rubbish in a scrapyard and then perform a popular hit from a decade of the judge's choice! it would be amazing! Also Sexfactor would be good, where contestants battle to become the most successful pimps in seedy European cities! And TRexfactor! well i dont think i even need to explain that one!

"I feel crummy!"

It all takes me back to that time I got ahold of a batch of super-heavy-duty permanent pens and we were on the train (so you can tell this was before I started driving!) and i handed one of my mate, for anonymity's sake I'm going to give him the name Ben G. Phresh, and said RIGHT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T DRAW ON ANYTHING COS IT WILL NEVER COME OFF. I should have guessed that Phresh being Phresh (as he so often is) he went and drew a big penis right on the wall! Crazy times!

I'm sure you were wondering what actually it was that did take me back to that time! Well I was in a bar in New York, however I was under 21 so couldn't actually drink at the time, I'd made up for it by drinking heavily with my breakfast at the airport before I flew over there. I put on some Billy Joel on the Jukebox and some dood @ the bar turned to his buddy and said "Billy Joel in New York? ALRIGHT!" and there was much joy!

As soon as the song finished, Ben G. Phresh and his life partner Mark Chubb entered with Mark's entourage in tow. I tipped back my authentic cowboy hat with the authentic pink edging and sequinned rim (which is also the name of the bar I was in, as it happens!). Phresh was just out of the big house, that's where I'd met him the previous decade after I'd rolled three doubles in a row! I had a bad feeling about this. I was meant to be in the Big Apple on vacation, and here were two guys who practically screamed that they had work for one Mr B. Daddy. The bartender asked that they keep it down. It smelt bad, but that served me right for sitting right outside the Men's Room.

Back to that story at a later date. #cliffhanger

Anyway, what's inspired this rather Western-themed entry is an acquaintance of mine who's staying over here to study from Chicago. (Note: those of you with access to Youtube, please search "My Kind of Town" by Frank Sinatra and listen to it in the background whilst reading this bit). So she come's over here to study in London and we were talking and she uses the phrase "I feel crummy partner!" and i just gaped! No-one in my life had ever used such an expression, it revolutionised my entire existance! It was quite something! #multiculturalism4thewin

Back to the Sequinned Rim for more ballbusting action!

I stubbed out my cigarillo on the floor, damaging my croc in the process.
"So, Mr Daddy, said Chubb" said Ben G Phresh, "you can see we got a problem here!"
I stubbed out the melted remains of my funky outdoor footwear, mentally adding them to my fast-approaching first draft of a Christmas list.
"I dunno Benji", I said. I knew that mispronouncing his name always drove him into a frenzy, but that's just the kind of sick bastard I was that particular evening. For some reason he didn't seem to notice...maybe next time... "It smells of some deep shit!"
"Then why are we still sitting right outside the John?!" complained the old crone Cruella, leader of Chubb's extensive all-woman gang.
I left the Sequinned Rim, carefully avoiding falling through any of the gaping holes in the plot, and thought about my next move...


I hope you enjoyed The All New Adventures of Big Daddy, I may write more about his exploits next time!

<<This is an artist (with a camera)'s impression of what the Sequinned Rim might look like in real life!