New Year Old Man!

MENTION people in my post on Google Chrome?! I'd sooner talk about my life experiences! So I went to my Grandparents for Christmas and on the way back we went to the Sainsburys service station and you'll never guess who I saw?! HOBNOBS for only 52p! Needless to say I bought a packet of those badboys and I'm just waiting for the write moment to open them like some kinda bloomin vintage chardonney?
I also unearthed an old woolen jumper it's well pukka, I beleive is the expression! My expression is one of btichin'ness atm as I rock out to some Nicki Minaj! Just remembered that there was a new song by her out recently I had better check out the ol' iTunes and download that, I'm not one of those criminal-types who just downloads music on the rough! And yes, before you ask, of course when I'm listening to 'Whip It' of course I make a whipping motion with my hand, like some kinda of rodeo-ing Gangnam-Styler!
BRB (please allow a gap of about 2minutes)
I decided not to buy it, I'll have to think about it again with a clear head when making a financial decision of that kind of scale! In the meantime I've decided to listen to The Boy Does Nothing cos it's ace!

Ok so now that it's 1013 I think it's time for some abrupt and gob-smacking changes within my life! So I did it. I downgraded my regular pizza choice from a Large Dominator to a Medium. Of course I thought on this sort of diet I'll be so thin I'll be approached by most of the large supermodel-chains...cannot even think of one atm...I'd be happy to model for Primark cos I like their style, and speaking of style I got a tshirt from them the other day saying HEY SEXY LADY on it, then with brackets GANGNAM STYLE and another one saying HIP HOP IS NOT A CRIME, which I like cos it's true. But as I was saying earlier in the paragraph, on this diet I might get kidnapped by a modelling agency, like in the first series of Heroes. But as I was saying, to stop this happening to me I'm going to up my intake of alcohol, starting tonight!

My money pot I got for Christmas 2011 is nearly full, and I will smash it open to reap the riches within, it will be glorious! I suspect it will contain unlimited pounds.

I work myself too hard I have an arguement with myself just so I win, then I celebrate my win with some alcohol then I keep drinking.

 "You don't know who Boba Fett is?"
"No. I'm more of a Star Wars kinda guy."

Bruce Willis you massive troll!

Actually I'd quite enjoy watching Bruce Willis in a film where is a Troll Hunter. An Internet-troll hunter!And for anyone out there who doesn't know what an internet troll is, it's basically code-word for "joker", "liar", "c*nt". In that order!

And I started my fruitarian diet, but I will still eat meat! Like today I gobbled down 2 bananas, 2 oranges and an apple, but complimented it with a ham sandwich! I could be a meal-creater, which is a new job I've made up, it's like a conducter for a restaurant kitchen where he (or she) decides what meals can be cobbled together! Need I say that when I finally got home I just started whoring myself on Hula Hoops and Vodka. But who hasn't been there?

I also took some saucy pictures of myself in the bath, and started listening to P!nk. I dont know if the two events are related? Maybe you can tell me. When I got home today I was like I'm tearing off my trousers (no unusual thing there you might think!) but this time I was like I'm not even going to bother putting on my LOUNGEWEAR I just sat around in my undergarments. If anyone's got a problem with that, they can leave a comment!

Also I had a terrifying moment whilst delivering pizzas where I thought if a zombie attacked me would I be able to press the lock button on my car door fast enough to avoid it grabbing my arm and biting me?! I mean it would be well scary-m8. What would I do first I wonder? Head home and get my collection of knives and lint, then roam the streets asking people why they are being so serious?Maybe not. I could probably use my money pot to kill a zombie or two! it weighs so much now it would do more damage than a swinging elephants testicle!

So Christmas is coming! I love it! I went out and did nearly all my shopping in one day yesterday and only got one present for myself! Watch this space later for more christmas related news!

HOLAA!!

Basically me after I get home from work, but this one has a less pronounced package. Fact.

Will nout inspire?!

I jumped out the shower and went straight down the shops. Was arrested for not getting dressed first.

So I haven't yet gotten around to learning the piano again, but I am still thinking about it! Last night instead what I did was emotionally craft beuty on facebook in the form of a lovely cartoon kettle. Should sell in a Brighton Lanes store on the front of a t-shirt for great amounts of currency.









Sure, you can't make out the full message, but I think I prefer "u can ca e t-f" and wonder what's going through the kettle's mind as he boils his brains  on whatever recreational drugs he can get his beefy hands on. What a stud. I'd do him.

So I finished reading a book the other day and it was like a crime thriller one, and then at the end there's a page about what happened after she marries the man she loves and it just for a few pages becomes rancorous porn! "He touched her nipples with with ice cubes, and put warm oil inside her. he carried on until she begged him to enter her..."

Phrooorr!

Person at work: "Excuse me, where is the [CENSORED]"
Me: "It is here!"
Person: "Thank you how helpful, what is your name?"
Me: "You'll never take me back to your village and make me your god!" *jumps through sheet glass window and away*
Person: "Wait! Come back!"
Me: "But it was too late, I was already narating the end of this segment".


Another incident at work...

Me: "Sorry, I think I spat on your face" *wipes off face*
Colleague: "Most people would just have said nothing. That's bravery"
Me: "And like that I made a new friend"
Colleague: "Who are you talking to?"

An update for all my readers, I have now put some clothes on. Also I was leaving the post office the other day and it was pissing it down so I was turning on my iPod (apologies for the product placement) and this "character" was leaving the place past me and was like OH EM GEE M8 IT'S LIKE PROPER PISSING IT DOWN!
I was like please I hope you're not talking to me. Luckily it turned out they were not. I DON'T GO TO THE POST OFFICE TO MAKE FRIENDS!

Quality over Quantity? Is that what the trend is?

I was thinking of writing the script for a tree-based police show, where a tree has been shot by a gangsta bush and the police tree is like to his deputy: "Hey Birch, how can we tell what all these juices coming from the gunshot wounds are?" And Birch replies "I'll use my mobile phone, surely What-sap can tell us!"

Gold.

Why is my cat so fat?! She gets so annoying at night but I'm told that we cant shut her outside because she's old! What a liberty! That's the kind of treatment that we wouldn't have given OAPs only 10 years ago!


 Finally got 3 visits ticked off on my Nandos card, next time I get a free 1/4 chicken. That day I will be very glad.

I'm thinking of developing my piano skillz and perform a club remix mashup of christmas songs and Eduarf Khil. It will be the christmas everyone has been waiting for, and I will be able to tick off "get a christmas number 1" off my list of things to do. Then all there is to do is kill Kony! Maybe I could combine the two and at the unveiling of my new chart-topper "I am very glad to be returning to Christmas" by Big Daddy feat Eduard Khil, I could invite Kony and then lay a trap for him. Then when he sits down I could declare that he has activated my trap card, in typical Yu-Gi-Oh stylee, and then as he's lying there in a pile of animal refuse I would say "You sir have not only been killed, but Edwuard Khil-ed!" Then I would dedicate Kony's death to Eduard's immortal memory and he would earn more soviet medals. Although as everyone knows, in Soviet Russia the medals earn you.


D! You are unmasked Sir! You have earnt the title of Chief Penis! You lose 1 Charisma.

Do I drink to write, or use writing as an excuse for drinking?

Lately my desktop has begun to see a return of discarded bottlecaps, I feel like a lazy prospector from Fallout New Vegas. Easy Pete would be so unproud!

Since I'm contractually obliged to mention candles, today something well exciting happened. I was like lighting a candle and the match was like a double match! My mind my blown. Wide!

Also a thought I've harboured for many years is that Dragon's Den would be so hugely improved by a maverick unknown millionaire who was loose with cash and dressed up as a Chinese Dragon, and who from time to time would breathe fire on entrepeneurs!

Cannot think of anything else to write atm! 

Have been inspired to learn piano properly this time! I'll keep y'all updated on how it goes!

I've not been drinking but I wish I had been!

My insides feel like they are being poked around in by an angry Sandslash!
That's the last time I mix tinned peaches with Coca-cola!
Hopefully some alcohol will clear this discomfort in my tummy!


A mince pie?! Tis edging closer to christmas after all! Not going to lie, I may have composed a mixtape featuring Santa Claus is Coming to Town, surely one of the best all time Christmas songs? And not forgetting "Must Be Santa" by Bob Dylan and "Dont let the Bells end" by the Darkness!#Classix

Who else knows that feeling when you've sold everything you didn't need on ebay, and just start moving onto your brothers possessions that you dont think he'll miss?

I've been be-gifted with a stress ring that can be fiddled with to releive stress. I use it violently beat people stressing me out and then get to say "yeah bitch i still keep my ring on, yo?"

My giant candle ran out yesterday! it was a sad day in my life, but I plan to sell on the remnants to raise money for charity!! I've had to start using the scented candles I got for my birthday! mmm Fragrant!

You know those evenings where you just drink way too much? I was with my bro and he just drank too much absinthe and ended up in a pool of his own vomit! But before that we lolled hard, and he hid under the bed and took pictures of me in my underwear (my treat to da ladies) and we hid in my car waiting for unsuspecting passers by to harrang! Good times! OR GT SHOULD I SAY?

Just a short one tonight!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qE6WQmNus

Can you read the past in Coffee stains?!

Now that I've got your attention I'd just like to ask how I got stuck at home alone on some Bonfire night having to dance in the garden just to lure the dog outside to do her business cos she's afraid of fireworks?!

Now I'm sitting here watching the cat lick a wire, even though she's got plenty of better things to do!

On a lonely night like this, it takes me back to another night, in another life!


My name is Big Daddy. I'm the son of a travelling medicine woman and a stay-at-home dad. I got into the detective business when I read a previous blog entry about my adventures in New York, and decided it was time to carry on the tale where it was left off, as I entered the Shiney Vagazzle after Fat Aunty Whale, or some such nonsense.

The last person to lose a fight with her was choked violently in an overtly sexual manner, which her friends who were watching found quite unsettling, and then she ate them! I would have to stay on my toes, and not just because of the mess all over the floor! I was so drunk I couldn't actually remember most of the plot points, but with Pissingham at my side I'm sure things would work out.
I saw her ahead of me, sauntering over to the bar and ordering an alcoholic beverage. I smoked my pipe and watched from the shadows, then was asked to leave as smoking indoors was strictly prohibited. Luckily I managed to get back in by parting my hair slightly differently and tearing my t-shirt down the middle so it looked a bit more hipsterish, and the bouncers didn't recognise me!
I re-entered the bar,Then I realised I'd rather talk about gritty real life drams cos let me tell you guys this facade about Big Daddy and PIssignham may be based on real life characters but I've discovered an even reall-er story to tell!

*btw there are bonus points for those of you who notice the moment I stopped writing a few days ago and started writing when very drunk*

fudge ursef I'm not not even drunk! I cant be cos i ran out of vodka yesterday and had nothing but jagerbombs and 'jeeves't to drink!

yeah so as I was saying the big story of thw week is! put urself in my shoes! i bloody wouldn't cos there're full of flippiong rainwater cos they got damned holes in! means I'll have to go buy some new trainers! the humanity! so do i go shopping in my gym trainers that were like shiney white when i got them but are a bit duller now, or my work shoes that are just getting a bit tatty but i only got them 6 months ago so what am i to do?! I miss vodka.

Yeah so then you realise you asked ur friend if she'll donate her bosoms to medical science after she dies.

Then i was playing my xbox and just shouting down the mic, even though after 5 seconds u kinda realise no-ones paying attention and they all buggered off after the first couple of waves of enemies. leaving me alone! I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS NOW MORE THAN EVER!

Lol women, at least i can revert to my old catch phrase of "women!"

yeah so i thoguht I'd get a bit hammered on whatever i could find in the cupboard...ooh Nurse McReady's surgical bruise lotion? Dont mind if i do! - and then combine that with candles and cleaning my nails with my big knife.

I've decided to put Big Daddy and Pissingham on hiatus until I actual;yl get funding to get a tv series on the subject. I dont see why if i can write stuff like that and people appreciate it why not wait until I'm getting paid for it?! Speaking of getting paid I got paid today and put some more £1 coins in my money pot! boo yah it's nearly full, and atm it's getting heavy enough to kill a burglar!

I'm so looking forward to my 10 hour work shift tomorrow. But what I am looking forward to is using my tesco vouchers to get some money off my next bottle of vodka. Who needs female company when you've got gears of war 3 and a bottle of Smirnoff's finest?

Yeah so then you realise you're so bored the best you can concoct is t try to make some slash porn about two close friends! we've all been there!

Okay so where were the first signs? pfft signs?! Who am I kidding this is no rom-com.
I didn't see any signs because I didn't listen well enough before it was too late. I was so hooked on the idea of being a better boyfriend than any of the plebs you see tricking gorgeous girls to be with them, that i didn't see I'd inadvertantly (hope thats the right word) become one without even noticing.

You never know who to be angry at, in the end.