What kind of house are you? Don't let Facebook tell you!

"...shrinks a man's penis length by a centimetre!"
"You talking about your face?!" LOL
"No, smoking!"

Hilarious lolz that carry a serious health warning. Then we went on to say how some penises have their end centimetre made up entirely of 'dick cheese'. That's when the conversation got a bit low-brow.

Then I had an idea.

Announcing the return of Peter Geist and the Cricklebury Police Department in:

Peter Geist and the Mysterious case of Mystery! (feat. Wyclef Jean)

It was a dark and stormy night. According to UKIP this was due to immigrants but PC Geist was PC in more ways than one and didn't hold with such tittle-tattle. He said as much to his close friend Wyclef Jean.
"I say, Wyclef Jean, I don't hold with this theory I am reading in this here. It says the author is just reusing the same beloved characters and jokes from the last epic adventure, except with the odd cameo from a well-known celebrity!"
"I think that unlikely" replied Wyclef (Jean) with a knowing look in his eyes.
"Well that's good then" couter-replied Geist, in a manner Wyclef Jean knew meant that the author was running out of ideas for this scene.
In the next scene, Geist was floating down the street on his way to the newsagents to get his favourite pornographic magazine, Ghost Rider. It combined Ghost-sexy-times, motorbikes and Nicholas Cage.

I went and had a bath whilst listening to some Simon Amstell stand-up material on youtube, it was very therapeutic. Now I'm wearing nought but a towel.

Anyway back to Geist, but this time I will insert a plot. Let me think of one - OK I have one! Also there is no more Wyclef Jean.

Geist let the papers fall from his ghostly hand, where they fluttered to the station floor. "I can't believe it" he excaimed. "Wyclef Jean, missing!?"
"That's right, Peter. I received this ransom note from kidnappers saying he'll be Gone Till November at least!" Big Chief Hairyback was not at all pleased. "Someone has to find him! He was supposed to be performing here at the Cricklebury super-stadium and as soon as people find out about him missing they will be clamouring for a police response with A Million Voices!"
"I don't get it, chief. According to everyone we've asked he was the Perfect Gentleman!"
"Well it might be time to get out there and crack some head and whatnot, whatever you rogue police officers do!"
Geist frowned. This was going to impact upon his evening plans with the delightful Miss Cricklebury 2013. Plus the narrator had already said that Wyclef Jean wasn't in this blog anymore, so the chances of fighting him were slim. He decided to go with his gut and went to the newly opened Cricklebury branch of that most popular of nightclubs, the Sequinned Rim, where this story really begins!

Geist was wearing his best suit and second best smile as Miss Cricklebury 2013 stepped into the bar area and cast a warm smile in his direction. Geist could tell at a glance she was all woman. He hadn't sensed such raw sexual potency since he'd validated his free weekend at the local bowels lawn for the over 60s. Nervously adjusting his novelty Ghostbusters tie and hoping he didn't cover the good woman in his own premature ectoplasm, he stood and up and approached her.

At this stage you have about as much of a clue as to where this is going as I do.

Big Chief grunted and turned to the rest of the room. "Well it seems Geist isn't taking this case after all! Which one of you lackwits wants this Wyclef Jean nonsense?"
One after the other the policeman looked guiltily to the next man in line. This case looked about as attractive as Miss Cricklebury 1913 before she'd put her makeup on in the morning, and the Chief knew it. He picked someone at random and bellowed "YOU THERE! You can do this for me?"
"Erm, Gov...That's your own reflection" pointed out Officer Chuckles from where he sat with his feet up on his desk. As Big Chief turned from the full-length mirror he'd been expostulating at, he saw one of the young detectives who didn't warrant a funny name creep up on Chuckles and pull Chuckles' chair out from under him. But Chuckles didn't fall, he just remained exactly as he was! It was effing hilar!
"Well" said Hairyback as the station fell about in hysterics at the humour on display, "I'm still going to take this case myself! I haven't done any real hands-on police work since I fingered that entire gang at the over 60s bowels club for running onto the lawns and grabbing the other players' balls!".

And thus was the scene set for what could only be described as the sequel to the previous filthy adventures of Geist and the kru!

And here is a picture of a magic cat

"Nothing is deep anymore!" -audible gasps, then some idiot whispers "wow that's deep". NO IT ISN'T!

So I've been trying my hand at getting in on the internet dating scene what all the kids are raving about (whatever 'raving' means) anyway I went on one date with this lovely girl -but then she said there was no chemistry so I went home and cried and wanked - anyway so anyway on Tinder you get several pictures to put up blah blah blah anyway so my mate pointed out that he didn't want to get with any lady who had a kid so he said it was always very risky for a lady (or gent, come to that matter) to put up a picture of themselves with a child in it, just in case the opposite sex looking at their pictures were scared away (or, as my friend has just said "in case they fancied children").

How many people became Bird Watchers after being caught searching for 'Great Tits' on their PC?


Schindler's Lisp - the shocking story of one man's struggle to make Nazi prison camp guards understand which Jews he wanted.
Schindler's Slit - the shocking story of one man's struggle to write a list whilst battling dyslexia.
Schindler's Wrist - the shocking story of one man's struggle against repetitive strain injury whilst writing a long list.
Schindler's Pissed - the shocking story of one drunk man's struggle to wrist a legible list.

I just got ridiculed for referring to my 'friend's massive metal dildo as - well I cant even remember what i called it, but apparently it's called HEAVY METAL. True story.

Loan Shark vs Dr Octopus - The terrifying story of Dr Octopus....well I don't really know what would happen, but I assume it would be great.

Illegal Alien vs Sexual Predator - the terrifying story of a gang of illegal immigrants as they follow clues on the hunt for a monstrous rapist and murderer. This actually sounds promising.

"What is a Solange?"
"It's Beyoncé's sister"
"And what does it do?"

On tinder:
Say no to that one! she has a weird name!
What, Siobahn?
Yeah it's weird.
Why is it not spelt any way at all like how it sounds?!
What do these women even want from their lives?
These women are all morally bankrupt!


I recently told a friend that her mother doesn't know how to use a chair as she spends all her time sitting on men's cocks! She was suitably upset.

Witches, bitches and golden snitches

A friend of mine: "I expected you to act like my friend!"
What I'd say if I was a cartoon villain: "Bah, you naive fool!"
What I actually said: "Pfft"

Solid.
Well actually that entire exchange didn't happen. But when it does, I'll be ready with a zinger!

So I finally heard that Beyonce song "Drunk On love" or "Drunk in love" or something and apart from being surprisingly unamazing - that's right -  it just has JayZ doing a snake impression half way through it! Don't know wtf I'm on about? Let me do my impression!
"If I do sss ss ma sss" and here it is again! "If I do sss ss ma sss" I'm like why not just enunciate properly? It that somehow square! He's like I ain't no poindexter!

So I was operating reception at work today, and having it rebuilt to be a proper command centres (with at least one screen for every eyeball I have) and this woman comes in and asks for Rachel. Now we only have one Rachel and I quickly clarify with the woman's help that is it NOT this Rachel she's after. I'm like do you know her surname? She's like Mckenzie? I'm like there's no-one by that name here. After this conversation she literally turns, annoyed to me, and says "Can you just contact her please and tell her I'm here?"

OH YEAH cos i know who you mean and am purposely holding you here cos i enjoy your company this much, u pushy bitch!
If you couldn't tell before, I was getting well annoyed. I said I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU MEAN!!! and used my laser beams.

Part of that story is untrue. There is a prize for whoever knows what it is.

How bloody redick (with an emphasis on the dick) does Kim Kardashian's arse look? If I wanted to hide a space-hopper up my trousers I would go to her for tips? The appeal of curves is undeniable (I say in my most laddish manner) but come on?! Apparently she pays some idiot £3000 a day.... A DAY!!

WHAT

...to resize her trousers so they fit her ludicrous figure.

Which leads me on to other stupid things! Homoeopathy. It's nonsense and if you disagree then you're clearly smoking too much purple quartz. However, there are a lot of stupid people in the world. and some of them are bound to be rich. It's the right of Homoeopathic 'doctors' (who are about as qualified to medically treat a sick person as me) to squeeze every last penny out of these morons as they can.  One day the rich idiots who believe in homoeopathy will be bankrupt and have to eke out a living building tent-sized arse-bits-of-trousers for Kim Kardashian (I almost said arse-holes but i dont think that's the right term for that bit of the trousers) (it is correct for the person wearing them though)

So you know how basically most people have run out of ideas for new things, and just are happy to rip off old stuff, put a new face on it, and hope it works? Well I have some ideas of old tv shows that I have given a brand new flavour:
Mortal Wombat: wombats fight it out in some vague ninja-based backstory bullshit
Ace Von Fuhrer: the pet detective who hunts for missing right-wing German pets.
Embarrassing Buddies:...Why are we friends?
Casual Tea: all the gossip straight from the hospital cafeteria.


Also (I'll come back to that later) what was up with Dog and Duck? Firstly they were two different animals so how did they talk? Also the dog was a toy so how did it talk? Also the piano talked? What. My friend who I used to watch it with after secondary school claimed the piano was the voice of reason, but I say it was a complete smart-ass. Also it was a piano. How can it even have an opinion?
Two programmes that were actually amazing though were Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and Fairly Odd Parents. I have many fond memories of them.

So I've finally finished my bottle of Jeeves. I'm glad I had it to get me through the tough periods of abject poverty I've suffered recently.

Also Raven? he was some scottish man who battled NEVARRRRRRR the evil wizard thing. THE WATER DEMON WAS JUST A REGULAR DEMON IN A DINGHY!! And yes, they should have made the children kill the weakest memeber of their band at the end of each episode! Raven could have sat on his perch and observed, and laughed. How he would laugh.

On that cheerful note I leave with some nice pictures.

Omg how effing funny was the Mask, especially when he was a soldier!

Of course I'm annoyed at you, don't you remember what an arsehole you were in a dream I had?

WHY DOES THIS DAMN SPELLCHECK NOT RECOGNISE ARSEHOLE?! HAS IT NEVER LOOKED IN A MIRROR?! IT DOESN'T HAVE EYES? HOW DOES IT KNOW WHAT I'M TYPING THEN?!

I was thinking today what's to stop me spending all my time making money, or planning how to accumulate more money? I enjoy having money, I enjoy receiving money, so why has this thought never occurred to me?
Then I was thinking there must be a way to shed some of my extra padding without losing money in the meantime. Now that I've left the gym, I do like having the pressure of making my membership costs worth it taken away, but I am reverting to my pre-gym doughy physique. The cost of resupplying my wardrobe with large clothes will probably be greater than the gym was anyway!

My attempt at improving my image in the last 5 minutes just resulted in some painful nostril-plucking! Luckily I've mixed a mighty concoction of Jeeves and Lemonade, and it's surprisingly edible.

Anyone reading the news on the radio will have heard about the Malaysian airliner that has simply vanished this week. The authorities apparently no longer think it's the work of terrorists and they can't find any debris in the sea! But they did find a life-raft but apparently it wasn't connected, so I dont know if they bothered to pick up the people aboard!
Conspiracy theorists are already feverishly wasting everyone's time by spouting their bullshit, so here is my story!
In the Spring of '09 I was involved in a high-speed car chase in my mini with some brackish thugs in another car (obviously)...(I mean they clearly weren't in the back seat of my car, or on foot)...anyway so yes for reasons I don't care to share I believe these fellows are also behind this disappearing airliner. I dare you to disprove me.

I've created a cocktail called the Pro-Footballer. It's quite thick, is ridiculously expensive, and a good one has quite a kick to it!

Another thing that has been playing deeply on my mind is The Gentleman Bastards. They are the favourite thing of one of my friends and I'm going to tell you all about them. They're a very popular band from Germany who are trying to reinvigorate the love of disco that claimed much of the world in the 70s. Their lead singer, Horatio, has a blonde mullet and enjoys showing groupies his enormous collection of retro scarves from Russia. Peter, the moody bassist, is also a moody racist. It's just the two of them. Horatio just sings and Peter plays a thrumming bass note, but they don't use any other instruments and everyone thinks it sounds pretty shit. Except my friend Sam. He likes them.

Speaking of having a talent for endlessly producing songs that are shit, I didn't enjoy Tinie Temper's new song. It sounds, as I put it on twitter (@Jacksummers1990 #shamelessplug) it sounds like they let some idiot get ahold of a rhyming dictionary and make any effort it would take to make all those rhyming words connect into a 'song'. I find it equally hate-able and diabolical as all his other songs which are all just garbage with him going 'YEAAHHH' endlessly and doing nonsense hand-gestures to show what a badass he be. I'd give it a shit out of ten.

Escucha mis historias o para siempre te lo pierdas!

I ask that before you read the below, you open the following link and play it while you read. It's like a freakin assault on the 5 senses. Your eyes, your ears, your nose (cos you nose it's all good) and your sense of decency. Also you feel good.
I've given up Facebook for lent. Or that's what I've told the public...
The spell check on here is rather irritating. There's no option where you right-click and 'ignore this, I knew what I was typing. I don't care if you've never heard of funtastic! I'm in charge here!'

I'm trying this grown-up thing called budgeting (the sad truth is I'm now doubting all my spelling) CURSE YOU SPALLCHECK!.....DAMMIT!

So yeah budgeting, I found a good way to save money. I ran out of vodka the other day and rather than buy more I've just bought loads of energy drinks to mix with the questionable spirits i have lurking in my cupboards! I'm a budgeting genius!
Also for lent I've decided to, as some of my friends say, 'cut the fat'. Don't fear, I can assure you this has nothing to do with exercising (another thing I told myself I would start doing)! Basically you go through your social diary and get rid of people you think you're too good for anymore!
By the way if you're reading this and notice I no longer follow you on facebook (@JackSummers1990 #shameless self-plugging) then put two and two together and get one whole 'yeah this is awkward' basically you might have been one of those people who are too hard to get hold of or basically keep bailing or not bothering to see me, so are you a true friend anyway? Either that or you are a true friend but I dont need reminding of what you're doing ever. Like people who used to appear on my newsfeed on facebook (back in the day before i deactivated it, did I mention that's what I did?) so if u appeared on my newsfeed too often you were unintentionally drawing my ire! Or if you keep putting baby pictures up. That's a surefire way of making me be all like d'awwwww then 'snawwwwwww' see what I did there? Who else noticed 99% of babies don't get cute until they're a few months old? Also staring down a baby is a surefire way of getting it to stop crying, at least 50% of the time.

"Hello handsome, you single?"
"I prefer the term 'alone'"

I also got rid of my snapchat as part of my slow majestic retreat into social obscurity. The truth is that I never got any snaps I cared for! As someone wise at work said today "I wish I had me as a friend"
But then again this was the same colleague who compared me to Cyril Sneer from The Raccoons, then showed me a picture and I had a childhood flashback!

I had to give a very lazy explanation of the Crimean crisis (it's in all the news) to a friend the other day. She...or he....no I lie it was a she. She was all like UP IN MA GRILL I mean she was like 'I do agree that Ukraine are in the wrong. I mean isn't Crimea part of Russia?" I was like lolmate

Also my brother has started 'streaming' on the internet, but dont worry it's all legit. He plays a game, and other people watch him play! It's genius!

You know what a banging beat is? Definately 'I'm the Man' by Aloe Blacc. I would like to see a Ski Sunday remix (it's probably on youtube, let's check!)
OKAY so why can you search for 'Ski Sunday Remix' on youtube but nothing that comes up in a ski sunday remix?

Ohmydaze lyric-videos are amazing, they combine the magic of music with the joys of reading.

What does the term 'kingdom come' even mean? Also when you think about it what does the term 'very much' even mean? Like thank you very much? Read it out and those words dont even belong together! Thank you...very...much?

I'd so buy a cd of hits sang by bad karaoke singers. I found it most soothing when they had a singer on the radio today singing the hits of Beyoncé.

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?!

So here's the true-life story of how I was listening to Know Your Damn Role and thinking of asking my beautiful friend in America to find out why a Celtic gang based in Kansas City is following me on Twitter. She loves Sherlock so I can only guess that she will take me up on this amazing investigation.
True story.

I've created the Ski Sunday/Know Your Damn Roll Mashup Remix. It's diabolical. In a good way.

But I don't want to be hunted for my pelt in a zombie apolocalypse!

So I was playing State of Decay #zombiegameoftheyear and a zombie jumps at me, trying to ravage me with it's rotten dentistry. I popped a cap in it's head mid-jump. I was thinking it would be worth the end of civilisation if I could become that much of a badass. I hope it happens. If I was one of the first ones to die I would be furious.

What's new with me, I hear you ask? You didn't? Oh well let me tell you anyway!

I had Chinese for dinner this evening, it was delicious. Beef and Noodles alongside some Egg-friend Rice? Can't go wrong!

Also I've noticed that with some friends of mine whenever they're talking I'm not paying the slightest bit of attention. I have decided to turn over a new leaf, and whenever this happens now I am honest with them. I turn to them and say "I'm sorry, I've not been listening. What did you say?" and they're usually fine with it!

I finished a book the other day that wasn't a sci-fi. I was queueing in Asda the other week buying meals for one #cryingface and saw they had a load of books on sale for £1! I plumped on a grown-up book all about rape and murder called The Ladykiller by Martina Cole. It was raaather chilling at times, with lots of juicey murders with a few raunchy sex scenes between the main protagonists. Let me point out here these were different from the rape scenes, I found them gruesome to the point of not being able to fall asleep at the end of one! I had to read on for a few more pages until something less chilling had happened! But yes, would definately recommend!

Bent down to tie my lace the other morning before work, and heard one of my few remaining pairs of jeans tear in the crotch region. The humanity!

So I finally got round to watching About Time the other day, very enjoyable. Enjoyment was only marred ever so slightly by the company I watched it with (she has major Daddy issues so wishes Bill Nighy was her Dad). It's not your typical love story film where the hero spends the entire film winning Rachel McAdams' attentions and marrying her at the end, and I liked that about it.

Which of these phrases make more sense to you and why?

a) "Anyone can add me as a friend on facebook, that's fine. But if they start talking to me...that's just creepy!"
b) "If someone random added me on facebook and didn't even say anything, I'd find THAT more creepy".

As usual, as the end of the month perambulates into view, I am busy rubbing my hands together at the thought of actually having a penny to my name! This will be the first month since I started my job (back in July) that I don't have a large car-related bill to pay! Only last week I had to fork over more than £6 to have a couple of lights replaced. It's daylight robbery! It had to be daylight robbery as my car was not fit to drive in the dark with it's headlights out of action!
My money situation is getting so tiresome I'm having to wrack my brains for mad money-making schemes. I've already sold all the xbox games my brother left me once he defected to the PS4.

I was in a swimming pool when my charming lady company comes running up to me (figuratively speaking of course. She knows about not running by the poolside!) anyway she comes running up to me, to tell me she's found someone who is even hairier than me. It does wonders for my self-esteem. I sometimes worry that if a game-hunter saw me they might kill me to wear my big shaggy pelt :( On the other hand I will survive for longer in winter if for some reason it's the end of the world and we have to burn all the clothes in the world to keep warm.

I had a dream once where everyone I know was rounded up and we were all put into a big prison where clothes were illegal. It was weird.
I also had a dream where a giant bird-monster tried to eat me on my way out of the psychiatrist's office and I was saved by a huge bearded man who put an entire pillow into it's mouth.
Then there were the dozens of zombie dreams I had. They became so standard that 'nightmare' doesn't really apply anymore!
Also I had a dream where I was fighting the loathed neighbour from up the street, while my family cheered me on.

Anyway do you have times when you were very little and something amazing happened but you're not sure if it really happened or if it was just your overactive imagination? For instance once when I was very little I was sitting in the front room looking out at the street. Suddenly(!) a bright red jet plane zooms down and up again, passing metres from the ground! I was so shocked! I could have sworn it happened, but looking back now I think it unlikely.

I decided to leave the gym, as I was planning to move to a different town. But anyway that hasn't happened yet, however not having an obligation to go to the gym is a very nice feeling! I tell myself I will use the dumbbells I bought to prop the door open, or go jogging, but as of yet it has yet to happen!

I thought that to solve some of my money issues I could become a fashion designer. I will have my own tragedy of a talent show where I find hopeless nobodies to model my gear, which will all be vest-based and it will be called 'Who Looks Best, Dressed In A Vest" and because shit on the tv is very popular, I will made a bundle! Also Summer will be just around the corner soon, and my vests will come into their own! I will be safe from overheating when wearing my vests, and when the weather turns cold, my natural furriness will stave off freezing to death!

More on that in the future.

The pelts of other hairy men, turned into vests.

With viewing rates plummeting, I resort I writing this one in a phase between drunk and hungover, naked, at 3am.

Right so the last two or three blog posts have been done sober, which makes a startling change to the style of writing, the content consisting of stuff (sometimes funny) that's happened to me, or I've thought of, in the last few days. Before then it's just mainly been drunken ramblings, or stories that I find hysterical at the time but I dont know...


Anyway so I did Dry January this year, and I've just got back from my first night out on the town fueled by alcohol of 2014, not counting New Years Eve. I met some fantastic people, danced a LOT with many beautiful ladies...and now, at 3am, I feel like shit. I have a £60 hole in my back account. I have a ringing in my ears.

I was much happier in January, sober. Only Friday night, at a work leaving do, I had an awesome time sober, enjoyed many good laughs, and woke up the next morning not feeling like garbage. I've been to the pub in January without drinking. I've been out clubbing without drinking. All of those occasions trumped tonight. And tonight I did enjoy up until the winding down. And the hunting for a taxi. My feet are killing me.

I'm going back to not drinking. I feel healthier. I feel more energetic (though that is probably down to the energy drinks (which by the way have left my feeling like I've left half my internal organs as patté)) Anyway I know some of my friends will scoff at the idea of being happy without being drunk, but I've proven to myself that I dont need alcohol to have a good social time, and now tonight I think I've proven to myself I dont even want it either.

I dont want to turn into someone who is always looking forward to the next drink. Or the next night out where they can drink. I know there is more to do out there than go to the pub with your friends. It seems weird to say it but my friend mentioned it on the taxi ride home tonight, that when you do plan a night out, it nearly always simply involves going to the pub.

I'm not saying this to nag or whatever, it's just nice to know if anyone reads this I can imagine my need for attention is being sated. Also I went a day (not on purpose) this week where I left my phone at home while I was at work, and wasn't plugged into twitter and facebook all day. I found that also raised my mood considerably. NIGHT!