Of course I'm annoyed at you, don't you remember what an arsehole you were in a dream I had?

WHY DOES THIS DAMN SPELLCHECK NOT RECOGNISE ARSEHOLE?! HAS IT NEVER LOOKED IN A MIRROR?! IT DOESN'T HAVE EYES? HOW DOES IT KNOW WHAT I'M TYPING THEN?!

I was thinking today what's to stop me spending all my time making money, or planning how to accumulate more money? I enjoy having money, I enjoy receiving money, so why has this thought never occurred to me?
Then I was thinking there must be a way to shed some of my extra padding without losing money in the meantime. Now that I've left the gym, I do like having the pressure of making my membership costs worth it taken away, but I am reverting to my pre-gym doughy physique. The cost of resupplying my wardrobe with large clothes will probably be greater than the gym was anyway!

My attempt at improving my image in the last 5 minutes just resulted in some painful nostril-plucking! Luckily I've mixed a mighty concoction of Jeeves and Lemonade, and it's surprisingly edible.

Anyone reading the news on the radio will have heard about the Malaysian airliner that has simply vanished this week. The authorities apparently no longer think it's the work of terrorists and they can't find any debris in the sea! But they did find a life-raft but apparently it wasn't connected, so I dont know if they bothered to pick up the people aboard!
Conspiracy theorists are already feverishly wasting everyone's time by spouting their bullshit, so here is my story!
In the Spring of '09 I was involved in a high-speed car chase in my mini with some brackish thugs in another car (obviously)...(I mean they clearly weren't in the back seat of my car, or on foot)...anyway so yes for reasons I don't care to share I believe these fellows are also behind this disappearing airliner. I dare you to disprove me.

I've created a cocktail called the Pro-Footballer. It's quite thick, is ridiculously expensive, and a good one has quite a kick to it!

Another thing that has been playing deeply on my mind is The Gentleman Bastards. They are the favourite thing of one of my friends and I'm going to tell you all about them. They're a very popular band from Germany who are trying to reinvigorate the love of disco that claimed much of the world in the 70s. Their lead singer, Horatio, has a blonde mullet and enjoys showing groupies his enormous collection of retro scarves from Russia. Peter, the moody bassist, is also a moody racist. It's just the two of them. Horatio just sings and Peter plays a thrumming bass note, but they don't use any other instruments and everyone thinks it sounds pretty shit. Except my friend Sam. He likes them.

Speaking of having a talent for endlessly producing songs that are shit, I didn't enjoy Tinie Temper's new song. It sounds, as I put it on twitter (@Jacksummers1990 #shamelessplug) it sounds like they let some idiot get ahold of a rhyming dictionary and make any effort it would take to make all those rhyming words connect into a 'song'. I find it equally hate-able and diabolical as all his other songs which are all just garbage with him going 'YEAAHHH' endlessly and doing nonsense hand-gestures to show what a badass he be. I'd give it a shit out of ten.

But I don't want to be hunted for my pelt in a zombie apolocalypse!

So I was playing State of Decay #zombiegameoftheyear and a zombie jumps at me, trying to ravage me with it's rotten dentistry. I popped a cap in it's head mid-jump. I was thinking it would be worth the end of civilisation if I could become that much of a badass. I hope it happens. If I was one of the first ones to die I would be furious.

What's new with me, I hear you ask? You didn't? Oh well let me tell you anyway!

I had Chinese for dinner this evening, it was delicious. Beef and Noodles alongside some Egg-friend Rice? Can't go wrong!

Also I've noticed that with some friends of mine whenever they're talking I'm not paying the slightest bit of attention. I have decided to turn over a new leaf, and whenever this happens now I am honest with them. I turn to them and say "I'm sorry, I've not been listening. What did you say?" and they're usually fine with it!

I finished a book the other day that wasn't a sci-fi. I was queueing in Asda the other week buying meals for one #cryingface and saw they had a load of books on sale for £1! I plumped on a grown-up book all about rape and murder called The Ladykiller by Martina Cole. It was raaather chilling at times, with lots of juicey murders with a few raunchy sex scenes between the main protagonists. Let me point out here these were different from the rape scenes, I found them gruesome to the point of not being able to fall asleep at the end of one! I had to read on for a few more pages until something less chilling had happened! But yes, would definately recommend!

Bent down to tie my lace the other morning before work, and heard one of my few remaining pairs of jeans tear in the crotch region. The humanity!

So I finally got round to watching About Time the other day, very enjoyable. Enjoyment was only marred ever so slightly by the company I watched it with (she has major Daddy issues so wishes Bill Nighy was her Dad). It's not your typical love story film where the hero spends the entire film winning Rachel McAdams' attentions and marrying her at the end, and I liked that about it.

Which of these phrases make more sense to you and why?

a) "Anyone can add me as a friend on facebook, that's fine. But if they start talking to me...that's just creepy!"
b) "If someone random added me on facebook and didn't even say anything, I'd find THAT more creepy".

As usual, as the end of the month perambulates into view, I am busy rubbing my hands together at the thought of actually having a penny to my name! This will be the first month since I started my job (back in July) that I don't have a large car-related bill to pay! Only last week I had to fork over more than £6 to have a couple of lights replaced. It's daylight robbery! It had to be daylight robbery as my car was not fit to drive in the dark with it's headlights out of action!
My money situation is getting so tiresome I'm having to wrack my brains for mad money-making schemes. I've already sold all the xbox games my brother left me once he defected to the PS4.

I was in a swimming pool when my charming lady company comes running up to me (figuratively speaking of course. She knows about not running by the poolside!) anyway she comes running up to me, to tell me she's found someone who is even hairier than me. It does wonders for my self-esteem. I sometimes worry that if a game-hunter saw me they might kill me to wear my big shaggy pelt :( On the other hand I will survive for longer in winter if for some reason it's the end of the world and we have to burn all the clothes in the world to keep warm.

I had a dream once where everyone I know was rounded up and we were all put into a big prison where clothes were illegal. It was weird.
I also had a dream where a giant bird-monster tried to eat me on my way out of the psychiatrist's office and I was saved by a huge bearded man who put an entire pillow into it's mouth.
Then there were the dozens of zombie dreams I had. They became so standard that 'nightmare' doesn't really apply anymore!
Also I had a dream where I was fighting the loathed neighbour from up the street, while my family cheered me on.

Anyway do you have times when you were very little and something amazing happened but you're not sure if it really happened or if it was just your overactive imagination? For instance once when I was very little I was sitting in the front room looking out at the street. Suddenly(!) a bright red jet plane zooms down and up again, passing metres from the ground! I was so shocked! I could have sworn it happened, but looking back now I think it unlikely.

I decided to leave the gym, as I was planning to move to a different town. But anyway that hasn't happened yet, however not having an obligation to go to the gym is a very nice feeling! I tell myself I will use the dumbbells I bought to prop the door open, or go jogging, but as of yet it has yet to happen!

I thought that to solve some of my money issues I could become a fashion designer. I will have my own tragedy of a talent show where I find hopeless nobodies to model my gear, which will all be vest-based and it will be called 'Who Looks Best, Dressed In A Vest" and because shit on the tv is very popular, I will made a bundle! Also Summer will be just around the corner soon, and my vests will come into their own! I will be safe from overheating when wearing my vests, and when the weather turns cold, my natural furriness will stave off freezing to death!

More on that in the future.

The pelts of other hairy men, turned into vests.