Mystery, Intrigue and Romance - guaranteed

Big Daddy's In-Vest-igation - "Dear Big Daddy, recently I watched the documentary Megashark vs Giant Octopus and I'm wondering is the scene where the shark eats the aeroplane out of the air legit?






Natural History Museum - Ok so I went on my annual trip to the natural history museum. I like to go on a weekday as it means they'll be less screaming children about. I didn't factor into my plan that any day you go there seems to be a plethora of school trips with many screaming children, many of whom annoyed me by standing near me and overtly displaying their ignorance about stuff. A bunch of them were arguing about whether the spiders in a display were alive (a moment's looking showed they clearly weren't, but apparently it was worth having a loud argument about in my general vicinity).
Not that the ignorance on display was exclusively from the children. I was looking at one of the fossil remains of one of the large marine reptiles and a mother and her young child were walking by and I CLEARLY heard her say to him "they [the marine reptiles] are a type of dinosaur". I KNOW I COULDN'T BELEIVE IT EITHER!! I was shocked more rigid than the fossilised remains of the Ichtheosaurus I was perusing!
It's very clear she has never seen the BBC's Walking with Dinosaurs, where it makes it very clear that large marine reptiles are Completely Different from dinosaurs! It's about as accurate as saying 'a dog is a type of spaceship' or 'Kim Kardashian is a type of human being' (they'll be more Kim-bashing later, dont think I'm pulling out early).
This mother clearly hadn't paid any attention in the dinosaur exhibition where one of the first bits it is like 'DINOSAURS HAVE 4 LEGS' not 'A DINOSAUR IS BASICALLY ANYTHING OLD BUT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A CAT' Gosh it vexed me. I might have to call social services.
Other traumatic things happened, read on dear reader...
I also heard the almost unutterably vapid and moronic sentence "why is it so ugly? oh em gee let's get a selfie with it". Needless to say I almost vomitted with rage.

This led to me idly thinking up a superhero called Captain Darwin who could basically make idiots burst into flame with just the power of his glare. His powers may or may not be confined to the insides of museums and libraries.

Train Double-take - this story is less furious. I saw an attractive lady on the train today. I sort of half-looked up from my paper (that I took 2nd hand, I ain't payin' like a mug) and saw her across the cabin. Our eyes met for a split second before I thought 'hold on that story about Nigel Farage being an evasive moron looked compelling' and moved back to the paper - BUT before I had even got back to where I was reading I was like HOLD ON and threw the paper aside and rose to my feet dramatically, looking back her way. Anyway by this time she had left the carriage (and possibly called the police) and I was left, still single.

Kim Kardashian adoption - this is one of those annoying stories that's been pasted all over Facebook by moral-starved, low-life gossip-mongers. As usual the comments are as stupid as ever (see previous post for my opinion on comments in general) but anyway let me expliain. The link basically says 'Kim Kardashian offers to adopt a child from another country (as they're so in fashion these days - I mean they are THE accessory to be seen with when ur plastering ur photo-shopped arse all over the front page of some mag I've never heard of (which therefore puts into question it's real-life validity anyway)) and she said no!' 
So there are loads of comments saying 'Yeah good on her bruv!' and stuff to that effect. But if any of those neanderthals bothered to actually read the 'story' then they would find out that Kim never actually made an official offer and the reason the child gave for saying no wasn't because "Kim's a bit like school in July - NO CLASS" but that she would miss her friends/life in her home country. So it's not really worth lolling at Kim over it, it's more a "well...fair enough" kind of moment, which is about as enthralling as these stories actually get. 
The brutish mugs commenting were probably busy furiously masturbating over the ridiculous pictures of Kim naked on thexample of something that WAS worth researching as is much more interesting and relevant to life today). Anyway they got some of that clay and made her arse out of it then it hadn't dried. That was the point.
Also of note was the much more facinating way she manages not only to defy gravity by pouring the champage UP - yes, UP! - thene front of....I want to say Paper?...but is not worth the time to research this. Aside from her arse which looks, to me, like someone tried to make a weird caricature of Kim out of red clay - that they had left over from the terracotta army of Emperor Qin Shi Huang (a great  it curls round and goes into a glass balanced on her ludicrous backside! I hope this is a subtle hint to the low gravity on the comet that they recently landed on (out in space) and how the gravity would be much weaker on there. Again, not much research went into this theory. Maybe Kim loves science? We'll never know.
Anyway in response to the pictures of his wife acting like the intellectually-bankrupt moron she is, Kanye West did his trademark grumpy spoilt child look and...well i stopped caring at this point. He probably assaulted a pap or wrote some shite music.

Witches, bitches and golden snitches

A friend of mine: "I expected you to act like my friend!"
What I'd say if I was a cartoon villain: "Bah, you naive fool!"
What I actually said: "Pfft"

Solid.
Well actually that entire exchange didn't happen. But when it does, I'll be ready with a zinger!

So I finally heard that Beyonce song "Drunk On love" or "Drunk in love" or something and apart from being surprisingly unamazing - that's right -  it just has JayZ doing a snake impression half way through it! Don't know wtf I'm on about? Let me do my impression!
"If I do sss ss ma sss" and here it is again! "If I do sss ss ma sss" I'm like why not just enunciate properly? It that somehow square! He's like I ain't no poindexter!

So I was operating reception at work today, and having it rebuilt to be a proper command centres (with at least one screen for every eyeball I have) and this woman comes in and asks for Rachel. Now we only have one Rachel and I quickly clarify with the woman's help that is it NOT this Rachel she's after. I'm like do you know her surname? She's like Mckenzie? I'm like there's no-one by that name here. After this conversation she literally turns, annoyed to me, and says "Can you just contact her please and tell her I'm here?"

OH YEAH cos i know who you mean and am purposely holding you here cos i enjoy your company this much, u pushy bitch!
If you couldn't tell before, I was getting well annoyed. I said I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU MEAN!!! and used my laser beams.

Part of that story is untrue. There is a prize for whoever knows what it is.

How bloody redick (with an emphasis on the dick) does Kim Kardashian's arse look? If I wanted to hide a space-hopper up my trousers I would go to her for tips? The appeal of curves is undeniable (I say in my most laddish manner) but come on?! Apparently she pays some idiot £3000 a day.... A DAY!!

WHAT

...to resize her trousers so they fit her ludicrous figure.

Which leads me on to other stupid things! Homoeopathy. It's nonsense and if you disagree then you're clearly smoking too much purple quartz. However, there are a lot of stupid people in the world. and some of them are bound to be rich. It's the right of Homoeopathic 'doctors' (who are about as qualified to medically treat a sick person as me) to squeeze every last penny out of these morons as they can.  One day the rich idiots who believe in homoeopathy will be bankrupt and have to eke out a living building tent-sized arse-bits-of-trousers for Kim Kardashian (I almost said arse-holes but i dont think that's the right term for that bit of the trousers) (it is correct for the person wearing them though)

So you know how basically most people have run out of ideas for new things, and just are happy to rip off old stuff, put a new face on it, and hope it works? Well I have some ideas of old tv shows that I have given a brand new flavour:
Mortal Wombat: wombats fight it out in some vague ninja-based backstory bullshit
Ace Von Fuhrer: the pet detective who hunts for missing right-wing German pets.
Embarrassing Buddies:...Why are we friends?
Casual Tea: all the gossip straight from the hospital cafeteria.


Also (I'll come back to that later) what was up with Dog and Duck? Firstly they were two different animals so how did they talk? Also the dog was a toy so how did it talk? Also the piano talked? What. My friend who I used to watch it with after secondary school claimed the piano was the voice of reason, but I say it was a complete smart-ass. Also it was a piano. How can it even have an opinion?
Two programmes that were actually amazing though were Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and Fairly Odd Parents. I have many fond memories of them.

So I've finally finished my bottle of Jeeves. I'm glad I had it to get me through the tough periods of abject poverty I've suffered recently.

Also Raven? he was some scottish man who battled NEVARRRRRRR the evil wizard thing. THE WATER DEMON WAS JUST A REGULAR DEMON IN A DINGHY!! And yes, they should have made the children kill the weakest memeber of their band at the end of each episode! Raven could have sat on his perch and observed, and laughed. How he would laugh.

On that cheerful note I leave with some nice pictures.

Omg how effing funny was the Mask, especially when he was a soldier!