Danny Dyer and the Antique Fire-Tortoiseshell of Doom!

So the plan was - hold on I'm already stopping myself. When I go back and occasionally read old posts (mainly to get the viewing figures up, also because I'm very lonely) I notice that basically all my paragraphs start with 'so', as if these, my innermost thoughts are a sudden change of topic post-awkward silence once the conversation has died...soooo.....let's put a stop to that.

Anyway, the plan was to tell a wild tale about Danny Dyer being a time-traveler trying to save the past from the actions of two antiques experts from Antiques Road Trip (what I watched once and enjoyed) from selling a magic fire-proof volcano tortoise shell at auction and getting so much money for it they became the richest people in the world and it destroyed the space-time continuum...but financially and then we entered a tripe-dip recession, which should definitely be a flavour of ice cream. I'd say Triple-dip recession please Mr Ice Cream Man.

Another idea I had was when I heard of the French dish Croque Monsieur...now if that's not the name of a reptilian detective then I don't know what is! He'd no doubt live out on the bayou and solve all sorts of capers.



Also today is International Women's Day and I'd like to talk about all the women who inspire me in day-to-day life. However I don't want it to seem like I wouldn't do that anyway and it's a bit weird that we do have a day to celebrate women at all? Why not do it all year round anyway? Is every other day celebrate being a man day? If so do I celebrate it enough? What if people think I'm taking my sex for granted? Believe me when you get as little as I do you cannot afford to take sex for granted! Wahey see what I did there? I think one of the root reasons for my respect for women is a fear of getting pregnant myself! I know it's unlikely to happen, but I would be very concerned for the effect it would have on me, plus giving birth itself would be stressful to say the least. I missed the end of the Arnold Swarzenegger (I am confident in my spelling)  where he got pregnant but I assume it ended with him just exploding as he lacked the proper biology to eject a live baby! Also if I got pregnant I might get stuck in a hospital and then have my legs up in those....leg-holding contraptions and then the Pred-Alien from Aliens vs Predators 2 might come in and lay eggs in me! That was a harrowing scene! Did you also know that Arnie starred in Predator 1, so it's not so crazy to think he could have come back in Aliens vs Predator 2, as one of the women in the pregnancy ward! That would have been a most welcome twist! Ooh or if he was Kindergarten cop and the villain at the end of that had been a predator in disguise!

I've arrived late to the game of discovering the joys of Louis Armstrong's Disney cover album, but now I can't go the whole day without strutting my stuff to the Bare Necessities in his melodious tones. Also if you have the time (and let's face it, you do) Youtube the song 'Scare Floor' from the film Monsters Inc. it's a right swinging tune that I would definitely play at a party to get the dance floor full! But no I'm definitely on a Louis Armstrong high at the moment, Hellzapopin' and Zat You Santa Claus are just too good. I Know the latter is a Christmas song but it's clearly one of my so-called 'guilty pleasures'. But then again if people say ooh I watch some garbage soap opera (i.e. basically any soap opera) it's my guilty pleasure, then they're clearly not feeling that guilty about it if they flaunt their so-called shame in public. If they said ooh smoking crack cocaine is my guilty pleasure, or pooing in the woods, then that would make more sense. Also when people say 'sorry, but...' ok stop right there, if you have to say 'but' then you're not really sorry, so you're lying to me AND am about to say something that might disagree with me on some key point.


Also I wish to pose an open question, if I start playing the free-to-play game Game of War, will Kate Upton become my girlfriend? As that is basically what I think the advert is implying. Ooh my city is being attacked, I just happen to be in the bath being attended to with my handmaidens. I'll just put on my shiney breastplate that leaves little to the imagination and gallop on my horse - it's a bumpy ride and in slow motion...PLAY GAME OF WAR. It's been playing on my mind a lot lately. #lonely



My hands have gotten so dish-wash-ey, I think they may be starting to grow scales. Where's a pumice stone when I need one? Also could you pumice so hard you rub all the way through to the other side of my hands?

I've started drinking more tequila lately, and I had a dream that someone stole into my alcohol cupboard, I woke in a tequila-soaked haze (in my bed).

On that note I will leave you, though I will always be in your heart.

Louis Armstrong, Films, Women and Llamas. Listing my sexual preferences.

A proper Louis Armstrong Awakening.
So what if I'm 50 years late to the party! I love Louis Armstrong even more than I did before! Now I've discovered tunes like Hellzapoppin, Cabaret and Zat You, Santa Claus? my life feels much more complete, musically. I enjoy his deep husky voice, it sounds a bit like if you made a bear out of bricks and then taught it to sing, that's how it would sing.
Also watched Guardians of the Galaxy for the first time recently, my goodness what a soundtrack! Always a treat when a modern film has a banging soundtrack from the 70s so people like me, born in 1990, can connect to it.
Speaking of films, just finished watched Dallas Buyers Club. If you went to a shop and bought a jar labelled 'excellence' and then i dunked a finger in it and smeared it inside my DVD player (not a euphemism) then Dallas Buyer's Club would definitely pop up on screen! It's not an action film, or a comedy like most of my favorite films, but it's in that third type of films I enjoy like Invictus, Forrest Gump or Pokemon The First Movie, that you know are just solid. About the real shit. Know w'ham sayin'?
I was watching Guardians of the Galaxy and I was saying to my good lady friend that I think one of the main reasons it appeals to me is that the main character is just a normal young boy (exactly, like me!, I hear you thinking) and basically it starts with him being abducted and then it skips forward 26 years and shows how he's a bloody space outlaw! So basically within 5 minutes it's got into your head that anything IS possible! Who would not love that?
"You wouldn't say that if she was a bloke" is something I had to say the other day to a male friend of mine, in my tiresome quest to be seen as the biggest white knight in the realm. But let me explain. I don't remember the exact details but let me try to explain this crazy idea and at least my friend did say 'fair enough!' and i believe I changed his mind about the whole thing forever. So mission accomplished. But anyway as I was saying, call me a social revolutionary, but I think the whole stigma towards women who have a lot of sexual partners in a short space of time, coupled with the hero-status that a man with a similar record could expect, is a bit old-fashioned these days. Time for us all to move on and think of a better, more respectable way to think. Try it, if you don't already!

Long-term effects of being a twat.
Today someone I knew told me they thought they were fat. They're not, they're gorgeous but anyway it got me to thinking. Hold one, let me say first that's not to say the larger ladies cannot be gorgeous as well! 'Oh good, thanks!' I hear them all saying 'as long as you believe we're still beautiful'
Anyway so like I was trying to say before I was interrupted I know another lady who's one of the most incredibly stunning/sexiest women I've ever met, but because she was told by a guy who she was seeing (see complete cunt-face) told her she was worthless etc, she believed it and it made her hate herself despite the clear evidence that it was all untrue. So what I'm basically saying is be thoughtful about what you say, as well as what you do, since what can take a second to say can take a lifetime to stop echoing through that person's head.
If this has happened to you, bear in mind that the person saying it was probably a morally bankrupt moron who'll be dead one day....or a less severe way of saying this is that their opinions are worthless and what really matters is how you feel, not how you look. I mean that only applies if they were being horrible about your looks. I'll try again
Just don't listen to him, he was probably a knob with an ego complex who knew he wasn't good enough for you! :)

On a more serious note I was recently introduced to the concept of 'shaved llamas'. If you have young children I would turn them away from the screen if you're looking at this on a screen. If you're reading it in a rich leatherbound volume then your children are probably busy smoking cigars in fezz's and smoking jackets so you're a terrible parent and you wont listen. If you've gone for the third option and are listening to this on audio casette, you should really get with the times and probably invest in a CD walkman.
Anyway shaved llamas are actually a non-sexual phenomenom (at least to me - your preferences are your own business). Here's a nice picture of one.

Lovely isn't it!
Not like a shaved bear, they're the thing of nightmares!




Anyway so the llama is the one on the left. The bear is on the right. So they only shaved them to get the wool, not for comedic purposes but it's like two birds with one stone. And I dont know why someone shaved a bear, I can only assume they're dead in a bear-related attack.

Hope you're enjoyed this.

My upcoming journey to be the highest man in the UK!

Apparently saying someone 'looks well' as in 'Hello, you're looking well!' isnt a compliment it's actually basically telling the woman in question she looks fat. Instead of being offended, ladies, perhaps you should pass out a pamphlet saying what phrases actually mean, as clearly I'm on the wrong page! Would this pamphlet even have that many pages?! Clearly it has a few otherwise I wouldn't be so lost!

Mountain Trek:
"Captain's Log....a Sycamore has fallen across the bridleway, we had best shift it before the next group of tourists comes across it!"
Or the great scene where Scottie meets Bones on the bridge...across the stream.

I could think of more excellent jokes detailing a Mountain-themed Star Trek but i dont wanna.

back to women, apparently 50% of women dont like being complimented anyway! And you should never say that a women 'looks better than you were expecting' or 'isn't as stupid as she looks'. It's like they took rocket science and brain surgery and mixed them together and made them into a way to talk to people! I dont want to get killed by a really really 'well' woman when she crushes me beneath her well-to-do-ness!

Back to mountain-themed-ness. I have a week off work coming up, and am planning to journey to Wales to climb, and make unto mine bitch, Mount Snowden. Manly stuff? But that's not all! I'll then be journeying far north to Ben Nevis and conquering that too! I will be raising money for charity but am yet to decide which one(s). I have decided though that if I can raise £100 I will do Ben Nevis (behave) in a kilt!
Part of this journey of self-discovery and misadventure came about because of this accursed heatwave (nah it's ok really, just a bit hot innit?) anyway so us lads at work have been told in no uncertain terms we're not allowed to wear shorts, as they will distract our female colleagues. I have been told I'm allowed to wear a skirt or kilt though. So I plan to head to the land where I'm sure I'll be able to find a kilt to purchase! Then the rest of the adventure pretty much built up around that!

Due to a recent call for more "Naked women, fast cars, pandas and feathers", here is what I have to offer. It not only encapsulates everything on the shopping list, but has also been made to be totally family-friendly.

"It was weird: he kept messaging me on Facebook and I thought what does he want? Turns out he just wanted to chat!"

The title is basically what a new friend I'd made said to the friend I had met him through when I tried to engage him in friendly chit-chat! Clearly I come across as scary/untrustworthy.

I'm totally living it large and boogying to the album "52nd Street" by Billy Joel atm. It's off the rails! Stiletto is just a massive tune, followed by the bodacious Half A Mile Away and the likes of Until the Night and 52nd Street itself!
I had an impromptu dance in the mirror the other day after getting home from work (after a couple) to BB King's "In The Midnight Hour". My moves wouldn't have looked out of place at a professional singing demo.

Was exposed last night to a new experience: the band Garden Heart, who were friends of my good pal Tariq Khawaja (who let me tell you is a pretty big deal). They were playing a set at a pub in Brighton called The Hope, and they played a few songs but the one that stuck with me the most was called Water, it was awesome! I don't think they are available on iTunes (I have checked) but if you want to listen to it, simply search Garden Heart Water in Youtube and it's pretty easy to find!

Whilst at The Hope, I witness my buddy falling in love with the gorgeous barstaff-lady. I was unable to persuade him to throw caution to the wind and ask for her number or hand in marriage, but it did get me thinking about my own barren love-life. I've only ever had one proper relationship, my school and college-years consisted of just falling head over hells for one girl after another, none of whom returned my affections so I grew used to that being the norm. At the time I was jealous of the people who rocked from one relationship to the next with no trouble.
While I'm grateful for the relationship I had and the good times it brought me, I know can appreciate that relationships have to have a lot of hard work put in to make them last. And there are many times in the meantime when you feel like so much shit and you feel no-one can hurt you like the person you're in a relationship with. And when it does end it doesn't feel great either!
I think one thing is that every TV show or film has some unarguable truth, or some great cliché, that can make you think WOW that would definitely work! and it won't!
Another thing is these men who have tried to turn picking up women into some form of art, which I just find a bit weird, desperate and creepy! Life isn't a game where you can see how far you can sow your seeds. We, as a race, have evolved beyond that!

Yeah so since the end of my relationship my renewed quest for a female companion has regressed to my schooldays of liking some girl from the sidelines, safe in the knowledge that if I do go for it I'll only be met by rejection so best to just stick to the sidelines and like her in safe anonymity.
For instance there was a girl I met through a friend and we got on like a house on fire and she wasn't just cute, she was funny, smart and a bit crazy too. We arranged to meet up just the two of us and see a film but then I was left outside the cinema for 25 minutes and she never showed, and she hasn't offered any explanation or spoken to me since! I've tried to find out but just no reply to anything!
The only other close call I had was when I actually got to the date stage with a girl from Tinder who was very nice, we had a nice meal and some banter (forgive me for using that word) in the pub. I thought things went great and I walked home with a spring in my step despite my dodgy foot (see previous blog) but then the next morning she texts me to say there was no chemistry! I was left hurt and emasculated, but by lunchtime I had gotten over it.

Also one other thing. I've noticed that the spell check on here doesn't actually recognise the word 'blog'.

Going through my friends list on facebook and asking who I would and would not drag from a burning building. (Feat. Turnstyle)

So I was at the gym today (no surprise there, it is that time of year again!) and as usual I was listening to my iPod whilst watching the music videos on the tv screen! That is unless a truly banging beat comes on, like Pitbull ft. Ke$ha! Anyway so this song oft' comes on, called Animals by Martin Garrix. Got nothing against the song itself, but more than half of the music video is just DJ Garrix standing behind some decks, entertaining crowds by pumping one outstretched hand up and down repeatedly. I'm like that's not exactly what I'd call a performance! I'm being about as active here typing at my desk! Not that there is any eccentric arm-pumping going on at my workspace!

Simon Cowell calenders? What is the point. The moron has only one 'look' and it's something only someone with access to the most basic clothing could recreate.

You know that feeling when two of your friends from different circles socialise? Well i don't even know how to phrase how it was explained to me, but the words 'two of my worlds colliding' and I say that 'woman I got many worlds, and they are welcome to collide as often or as little as they please. I AM THE STAR AROUND WHICH MY WORLDS ORBIT!"

Why is the entire London Rap scene based around greyness, concrete, and shit?! Also Royals by Lorde is such a load of donkey shit I cannot even begin! The vocals are very annoying and too slow, and there's hardly any musical-ness (real word) to give it any excitement! And the music video is really bland and grey, like all "youth" videos! bloody hell enjoy life u miserable sods! You're making plenty of money so please stop acting so downtrodden!

The rest of this blog is being written in January, so is being composed without any alcohol being consumed before/during/after publication. But don't worry the quality will not differ! In fact it might be of an even poorer standard!

It's been roughly 14 months since I started writing this blog, and we've had high points and low points, but here are a few things I've learned in the meantime.
1) This blog is not and will never be as popular as anything that contains anything about beauty products.
2) People would rather read about someone moaning about shit then bigging up things they love.
3) You get a bigger audience if you're a slender, attractive woman, because men are easily led!

So, using this information, I've decided to reinvent my writing style in the following ways.
MORE beauty products!
MORE complaining!
MOAR good-looking women!
And if I can get in a segment about good-looking women complaining about shit beauty products all the better! I conclude that these changes could increase the reading figures by almost infinite percent.

Now that we're in 2014 I think I'm finally ready to tell you about my new adoration and admiration for Gomez Addams from the Addams Family. What a man! If I could in any way be like him I would be so much happier! He dances, he speaks French, he wears a cummerbund! What more could anyone want?!

Also this month I'm taking part in the January Planking Challenge, you gotta take care of that core! It truly is much harder than it looks, but I always look forward to the bit at the end where I can lay face-down in the carpet. Always a treat. (Optional).

When did the term 'British Comedy' come to stand for little more than endless scenes of social awkwardness? You will only get people to laugh so many times at a stuttering, shy, closed-off (yet surprisingly handsome) British man thrust into an encounter with an equally beautiful woman who is more familiar with social etiquette than him! In RL (Real-Life) he would be a weird, unattractive internet troll who would never win the hearts of the heroine if his life depended on it! *breaks down in sobs*.

Young bands who are owned by record-labels who write them a song pertaining to deep emotional feelings/messages that they clearly have never felt/thought about. Enough said. Would like to see less of this in 2014 please.

OK I've also decided to operate the next few issues with a celebrity co-writer ("writer") who will be able to write ("write") a short piece about a topic chosen by me. This time the topic was 'the relationship between sharks and skateboards'. I hope you enjoy it.

By Matt "Turnstyle" Turner

“Hey man, you ever think about-“

I shot a dirty look over, with suspicion and doubt at the forefront of my mind. The cook, a habitual drunkard, was slumped over the poop deck railing. I caught a sharp tang of rum – no, wait, stove fuel – on his foul breath as he slurred:
“You ever think about the two most dangerous things in the universe?”
“Let me guess.” I replied acidly. “You’ve looked at the view through one of the gaping plot holes in the hull, and decided to organise your own orgy?”

“Nah, man! Sharks! Skateboards! Like… What if they were UNITED!?!!”

Before I could suggest he walked the plank for his jibber-jabber, Max the cook had fallen loudly asleep. I was beginning to find the odour of the poop-deck more than mildly offensive anyway, so I clambered up the frayed rigging barely holding this tale’s structure in place to reach the crow’s nest.

The crow, fortunately, wasn’t in, or I’d have had some explaining to do. It had been a hard voyage so far aboard HMS Cornish Winter Hater, and the crew had been restless ever since we’d cast away from Cheltenham in search of supposed greater treasures.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, scanning the telescope with my horizon as the wind buffeted our little vessel this way and that. Every day we sailed north and every day, the horizon grew a little greyer. Supplies were running low. Since the death of Maurice, some of the men had even taken to reading wacky conspiracy theories on the internet. (I really ought to change the Wifi password, on reflection.) It was surely no time for an attempted discovery of… MANCHESTER ISLAND. Yet what choice did I have?

Suddenly, a white whale appeared ahead. “GIVE ME ALL YOUR SHARKATEBOARDS”, she roared with all the wrath Bedford could muster, and before I had time to think “shit Emily’s eating this unfinished tale!”, it was all over.

Well that was lovely. Not nearly as poor as I was expecting.

How creepy were/are cabbage patch kids? I could show more affection to a real-life (or RL) cabbage! They look like a messed up Dr Who creation. But what is the obsession with dolls who can piss themselves anyway? Also if Weebles wobble but they don't fall down, how do they lay down to go to sleep?! Or drive cars?! They don't have legs!!!
If I'm ever a Dad one of the hardest bit will be when they see something they want in a toy shop and not responding with "But it's clearly a piece of shit!" or if it's a girl just telling her to get some respect for herself #dadoftheyear.

So that's the end of that. I hope you've learnt a thing or two, but remember I promise three things from now on. Beauty. Complaints. Women.

Goodnight!

PS this blog was written mainly to Rihanna songs "Stay" and "Diamonds". I suggest you read it to the same songs. I know you won't be reading this bit until after you've already read it, but if you want to experience the blog as it was meant to be experienced, re-read it to these songs. Do it. You deserve it.

Beauty!
Complaints!
Women!