Sunday, 8 March 2015

Danny Dyer and the Antique Fire-Tortoiseshell of Doom!




So the plan was - hold on I'm already stopping myself. When I go back and occasionally read old posts (mainly to get the viewing figures up, also because I'm very lonely) I notice that basically all my paragraphs start with 'so', as if these, my innermost thoughts are a sudden change of topic post-awkward silence once the conversation has died...soooo.....let's put a stop to that.
Anyway, the plan was to tell a wild tale about Danny Dyer being a time-traveler trying to save the past from the actions of two antiques experts from Antiques Road Trip (what I watched once and enjoyed) from selling a magic fire-proof volcano tortoise shell at auction and getting so much money for it they became the richest people in the world and it destroyed the space-time continuum...but financially and then we entered a tripe-dip recession, which should definitely be a flavour of ice cream. I'd say Triple-dip recession please Mr Ice Cream Man.





Another idea I had was when I heard of the French dish Croque Monsieur...now if that's not the name of a reptilian detective then I don't know what is! He'd no doubt live out on the bayou and solve all sorts of capers.



Also today is International Women's Day and I'd like to talk about all the women who inspire me in day-to-day life. However I don't want it to seem like I wouldn't do that anyway and it's a bit weird that we do have a day to celebrate women at all? Why not do it all year round anyway? Is every other day celebrate being a man day? If so do I celebrate it enough? What if people think I'm taking my sex for granted? Believe me when you get as little as I do you cannot afford to take sex for granted! Wahey see what I did there? I think one of the root reasons for my respect for women is a fear of getting pregnant myself! I know it's unlikely to happen, but I would be very concerned for the effect it would have on me, plus giving birth itself would be stressful to say the least. I missed the end of the Arnold Swarzenegger (I am confident in my spelling)  where he got pregnant but I assume it ended with him just exploding as he lacked the proper biology to eject a live baby! Also if I got pregnant I might get stuck in a hospital and then have my legs up in those....leg-holding contraptions and then the Pred-Alien from Aliens vs Predators 2 might come in and lay eggs in me! That was a harrowing scene! Did you also know that Arnie starred in Predator 1, so it's not so crazy to think he could have come back in Aliens vs Predator 2, as one of the women in the pregnancy ward! That would have been a most welcome twist! Ooh or if he was Kindergarten cop and the villain at the end of that had been a predator in disguise!

I've arrived late to the game of discovering the joys of Louis Armstrong's Disney cover album, but now I can't go the whole day without strutting my stuff to the Bare Necessities in his melodious tones. Also if you have the time (and let's face it, you do) Youtube the song 'Scare Floor' from the film Monsters Inc. it's a right swinging tune that I would definitely play at a party to get the dance floor full! But no I'm definitely on a Louis Armstrong high at the moment, Hellzapopin' and Zat You Santa Claus are just too good. I Know the latter is a Christmas song but it's clearly one of my so-called 'guilty pleasures'. But then again if people say ooh I watch some garbage soap opera (i.e. basically any soap opera) it's my guilty pleasure, then they're clearly not feeling that guilty about it if they flaunt their so-called shame in public. If they said ooh smoking crack cocaine is my guilty pleasure, or pooing in the woods, then that would make more sense. Also when people say 'sorry, but...' ok stop right there, if you have to say 'but' then you're not really sorry, so you're lying to me AND am about to say something that might disagree with me on some key point.


Also I wish to pose an open question, if I start playing the free-to-play game Game of War, will Kate Upton become my girlfriend? As that is basically what I think the advert is implying. Ooh my city is being attacked, I just happen to be in the bath being attended to with my handmaidens. I'll just put on my shiney breastplate that leaves little to the imagination and gallop on my horse - it's a bumpy ride and in slow motion...PLAY GAME OF WAR. It's been playing on my mind a lot lately. #lonely



My hands have gotten so dish-wash-ey, I think they may be starting to grow scales. Where's a pumice stone when I need one? Also could you pumice so hard you rub all the way through to the other side of my hands?

I've started drinking more tequila lately, and I had a dream that someone stole into my alcohol cupboard, I woke in a tequila-soaked haze (in my bed).

On that note I will leave you, though I will always be in your heart.

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