Going through my friends list on facebook and asking who I would and would not drag from a burning building. (Feat. Turnstyle)

So I was at the gym today (no surprise there, it is that time of year again!) and as usual I was listening to my iPod whilst watching the music videos on the tv screen! That is unless a truly banging beat comes on, like Pitbull ft. Ke$ha! Anyway so this song oft' comes on, called Animals by Martin Garrix. Got nothing against the song itself, but more than half of the music video is just DJ Garrix standing behind some decks, entertaining crowds by pumping one outstretched hand up and down repeatedly. I'm like that's not exactly what I'd call a performance! I'm being about as active here typing at my desk! Not that there is any eccentric arm-pumping going on at my workspace!

Simon Cowell calenders? What is the point. The moron has only one 'look' and it's something only someone with access to the most basic clothing could recreate.

You know that feeling when two of your friends from different circles socialise? Well i don't even know how to phrase how it was explained to me, but the words 'two of my worlds colliding' and I say that 'woman I got many worlds, and they are welcome to collide as often or as little as they please. I AM THE STAR AROUND WHICH MY WORLDS ORBIT!"

Why is the entire London Rap scene based around greyness, concrete, and shit?! Also Royals by Lorde is such a load of donkey shit I cannot even begin! The vocals are very annoying and too slow, and there's hardly any musical-ness (real word) to give it any excitement! And the music video is really bland and grey, like all "youth" videos! bloody hell enjoy life u miserable sods! You're making plenty of money so please stop acting so downtrodden!

The rest of this blog is being written in January, so is being composed without any alcohol being consumed before/during/after publication. But don't worry the quality will not differ! In fact it might be of an even poorer standard!

It's been roughly 14 months since I started writing this blog, and we've had high points and low points, but here are a few things I've learned in the meantime.
1) This blog is not and will never be as popular as anything that contains anything about beauty products.
2) People would rather read about someone moaning about shit then bigging up things they love.
3) You get a bigger audience if you're a slender, attractive woman, because men are easily led!

So, using this information, I've decided to reinvent my writing style in the following ways.
MORE beauty products!
MORE complaining!
MOAR good-looking women!
And if I can get in a segment about good-looking women complaining about shit beauty products all the better! I conclude that these changes could increase the reading figures by almost infinite percent.

Now that we're in 2014 I think I'm finally ready to tell you about my new adoration and admiration for Gomez Addams from the Addams Family. What a man! If I could in any way be like him I would be so much happier! He dances, he speaks French, he wears a cummerbund! What more could anyone want?!

Also this month I'm taking part in the January Planking Challenge, you gotta take care of that core! It truly is much harder than it looks, but I always look forward to the bit at the end where I can lay face-down in the carpet. Always a treat. (Optional).

When did the term 'British Comedy' come to stand for little more than endless scenes of social awkwardness? You will only get people to laugh so many times at a stuttering, shy, closed-off (yet surprisingly handsome) British man thrust into an encounter with an equally beautiful woman who is more familiar with social etiquette than him! In RL (Real-Life) he would be a weird, unattractive internet troll who would never win the hearts of the heroine if his life depended on it! *breaks down in sobs*.

Young bands who are owned by record-labels who write them a song pertaining to deep emotional feelings/messages that they clearly have never felt/thought about. Enough said. Would like to see less of this in 2014 please.

OK I've also decided to operate the next few issues with a celebrity co-writer ("writer") who will be able to write ("write") a short piece about a topic chosen by me. This time the topic was 'the relationship between sharks and skateboards'. I hope you enjoy it.

By Matt "Turnstyle" Turner

“Hey man, you ever think about-“

I shot a dirty look over, with suspicion and doubt at the forefront of my mind. The cook, a habitual drunkard, was slumped over the poop deck railing. I caught a sharp tang of rum – no, wait, stove fuel – on his foul breath as he slurred:
“You ever think about the two most dangerous things in the universe?”
“Let me guess.” I replied acidly. “You’ve looked at the view through one of the gaping plot holes in the hull, and decided to organise your own orgy?”

“Nah, man! Sharks! Skateboards! Like… What if they were UNITED!?!!”

Before I could suggest he walked the plank for his jibber-jabber, Max the cook had fallen loudly asleep. I was beginning to find the odour of the poop-deck more than mildly offensive anyway, so I clambered up the frayed rigging barely holding this tale’s structure in place to reach the crow’s nest.

The crow, fortunately, wasn’t in, or I’d have had some explaining to do. It had been a hard voyage so far aboard HMS Cornish Winter Hater, and the crew had been restless ever since we’d cast away from Cheltenham in search of supposed greater treasures.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, scanning the telescope with my horizon as the wind buffeted our little vessel this way and that. Every day we sailed north and every day, the horizon grew a little greyer. Supplies were running low. Since the death of Maurice, some of the men had even taken to reading wacky conspiracy theories on the internet. (I really ought to change the Wifi password, on reflection.) It was surely no time for an attempted discovery of… MANCHESTER ISLAND. Yet what choice did I have?

Suddenly, a white whale appeared ahead. “GIVE ME ALL YOUR SHARKATEBOARDS”, she roared with all the wrath Bedford could muster, and before I had time to think “shit Emily’s eating this unfinished tale!”, it was all over.

Well that was lovely. Not nearly as poor as I was expecting.

How creepy were/are cabbage patch kids? I could show more affection to a real-life (or RL) cabbage! They look like a messed up Dr Who creation. But what is the obsession with dolls who can piss themselves anyway? Also if Weebles wobble but they don't fall down, how do they lay down to go to sleep?! Or drive cars?! They don't have legs!!!
If I'm ever a Dad one of the hardest bit will be when they see something they want in a toy shop and not responding with "But it's clearly a piece of shit!" or if it's a girl just telling her to get some respect for herself #dadoftheyear.

So that's the end of that. I hope you've learnt a thing or two, but remember I promise three things from now on. Beauty. Complaints. Women.

Goodnight!

PS this blog was written mainly to Rihanna songs "Stay" and "Diamonds". I suggest you read it to the same songs. I know you won't be reading this bit until after you've already read it, but if you want to experience the blog as it was meant to be experienced, re-read it to these songs. Do it. You deserve it.

Beauty!
Complaints!
Women!