Another massive tune I've gotten to know (inpersonally) is Stay by Rihanna. The music video of her in the bath has almost inspired me to start a vlog.
So someone I know used the term 'metaphorical short-sightedness' the other day, I heard 2nd-hand. I'm guessing what they meant was 'a lack of foresight' but it turns out what the person is failing to get across is being socially inept.
Apparently that was also wrong, I'm now being told it was something to do with - no now I'm being told I'm not allowed to write anything about this person. I'm literally being censored.
So on New Years there was a party but I'm not allowed to mention any names, so I will just give them animal names.
So there was this whale, and it was having casual physical relations with this water buffalo, who in turn fell deeply in love with the whale, but the whale just wanted 'some love in her blow-hole' so just wanted to remain sex-partners.
Anyway so this was a couple of years ago and the whale was seeing someone else, and so was the water buffalo.
So like I was saying they were at this New Years party. By 'they' I only mean the whale, and it's friends the Okapi, the Gnu and the Eye-eye...and "Rogga". The whale stupidly wanted to 'get off the bus' in a drinking game, so it had to accept a dare and the Okapi, Gnu, Eye-eye and Rogga got to take it in turns sexting the Water Buffalo. Below, are some of the texts (from memory).
"I enjoy the whale's tight squeeze". "Remember when we had sex on a bookshelf?". "I may be with another animal right now, but I would still come round and have consensual intercourse with you behind my current 'squeeze's back". "I remember how you used to enjoy it in the mouth". "I also enjoy sexy times in an open field".
At this point, Rogga cried "OH GOD! BOOKSHELF!" and weeks of therapy was undone in an instant, as terrible images of whale's blowhole came flooding back to her.
Staying with my current theme of women, beauty and complaining, I've penned a short list of my top favorite things about women, without resorting to booty, boobs and lady areas.
First thing I love is a beautiful smile! I've decided on beautiful instead of pretty because according to something I read "“Pretty” is putting her on a shelf. It’s putting her in a box and closing the lid. That’s it. She’s done. It’s all she’ll ever be. It’s dismissing her. It’s telling her that’s all she’ll aspire to, something for others to look at, maybe even pity. It’s telling her she only matters until she’s no longer what you deem “pretty.”
So yeah this gorgeous girl gave me a dazzling smile and it was a good time to be me! Until then there had been a rumour she was a 'closet rude girl'!
Next is good old-fashioned sass! I like having a lady who can take my general rudeness and through it back in my face. I am such an emotional sadist I love it. That's all I have to say on the matter.
My female friend says it's OK to say a guy's muscles (especially mine) look grrrrreat but another male friend argues that by that logic is it alright to compliment a woman on her large breasts/booty? Because that apparently makes you a creepy pervert! I told him to stop being such a sexist dinosaur! Am I right, ladies?
Then my female friend told me a story about being left to cry by her cruel mother, so she smeared shit on the walls. True story.
For Dry January I've taken up downing energy drinks and let me just say my guts have never felt more like I'm gonna shit them out my ear. But it does taste yummy. My female friend has been drinking some anti-oxidants drink called Naked. It's got 73 blueberries, 5 blackberries, 3 apples, and a banana in it! Sounds disgusting!
So recently I joined tinder (as an experiment OBV) because I was feeling lonely. Anyway like I was saying I was feeling lonely and unappreciated. Most days I would wake up in a gutter caked in shit and shame. My life was a mess. I couldn't even make enough money off my 3rd-rate blog to feed my ailing wife and children (Shaniqua, Maruffin and Bruce Willis). I ended a lot of evenings snorting sherbet and experiencing bizarre hallucinations.
Anyway so I joined Tinder and chose a lovely picture of myself out with friends, not looking a mess and with a big, woman-attracting smile. Anyway so my mate says to me he goes you dont want to show off any chest hair because it's very marmite! As in, women either hate it, or loathe it!
So I changed my picture, and then he says ur bio is far too long. I was like it's quite short and non-threatening, but he's like no no no change it. So I just put "All parts included, free p+p" and though I 'liked' several hundred girls in the area, I only got 2 matches in 2 months, and neither returned my messages. I was left feeling deeply self-loathing. Anyway so then I uninstalled it and just decided to spend my time on candy crush and crying deeply over my emotional turmoil.
But I do have some points to make! So many women have random pictures of them with elephants as their profile picture! Also a lot of women have all their pictures of them with the same group of friends, so you have no idea who you're actually 'liking' or 'disliking'! It's frightfully confusing! There was also some girl who's profile said she was 23, but her bio simply said 'I'm really 13'. Creeeeepy!
On an unrelated note my mate at work came into my room today and bragged about how many tinder matches he got! But I'm not bitter! Then he said one of his heroes was Justin! I said Beiber?! He looked at me with deep revulsion and said no Timberlake! I was like well when I'm talking about Justin Timberlake I refer to him simply as JT! He felt very schooled by a white boy.
An Okapi
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