My upcoming journey to be the highest man in the UK!

Apparently saying someone 'looks well' as in 'Hello, you're looking well!' isnt a compliment it's actually basically telling the woman in question she looks fat. Instead of being offended, ladies, perhaps you should pass out a pamphlet saying what phrases actually mean, as clearly I'm on the wrong page! Would this pamphlet even have that many pages?! Clearly it has a few otherwise I wouldn't be so lost!

Mountain Trek:
"Captain's Log....a Sycamore has fallen across the bridleway, we had best shift it before the next group of tourists comes across it!"
Or the great scene where Scottie meets Bones on the bridge...across the stream.

I could think of more excellent jokes detailing a Mountain-themed Star Trek but i dont wanna.

back to women, apparently 50% of women dont like being complimented anyway! And you should never say that a women 'looks better than you were expecting' or 'isn't as stupid as she looks'. It's like they took rocket science and brain surgery and mixed them together and made them into a way to talk to people! I dont want to get killed by a really really 'well' woman when she crushes me beneath her well-to-do-ness!

Back to mountain-themed-ness. I have a week off work coming up, and am planning to journey to Wales to climb, and make unto mine bitch, Mount Snowden. Manly stuff? But that's not all! I'll then be journeying far north to Ben Nevis and conquering that too! I will be raising money for charity but am yet to decide which one(s). I have decided though that if I can raise £100 I will do Ben Nevis (behave) in a kilt!
Part of this journey of self-discovery and misadventure came about because of this accursed heatwave (nah it's ok really, just a bit hot innit?) anyway so us lads at work have been told in no uncertain terms we're not allowed to wear shorts, as they will distract our female colleagues. I have been told I'm allowed to wear a skirt or kilt though. So I plan to head to the land where I'm sure I'll be able to find a kilt to purchase! Then the rest of the adventure pretty much built up around that!

Due to a recent call for more "Naked women, fast cars, pandas and feathers", here is what I have to offer. It not only encapsulates everything on the shopping list, but has also been made to be totally family-friendly.