CSI Burgess Hill: The case of the twats in the woods

So I was walking the dog through the woods today and she suddenly runs off into the bushes. After yelling at her but as she's so bloody stupid and probably smelled a 3-month old rotting piece of food that she wanted to eat, she ignored me and disappeared into the undergrowth. Cursing her, I dived in after her, and found her a minute later sniffing around what I will now do my best to describe.

Imagine a big pile of alcohol, enery drinks, rizzlers, filters and general litter. Then imagine someone dropped a bomb on it.

Or in other words some twattish students had been having a well rad time.

 So I took the animal home and set out again with a big black bag, as I thought dressing as Uncle Bungaria might scare off any wayward teens in the future. So I walked towards the woods, which are only about 200 metres from my house, and on the way picked up any bits of litter lying around. I was shocked to find my bag was half full before I even reached the edge of the woods!

I reached the crime-scene and I've managed to work out from a receipt from Millie's Cookies in Crawley, and a train ticket from Three Bridges, there was at least one outsider with them. COMING TO OUR TOWN AND LEAVING THEIR SHITE IN OUR NATURE RESERVES! There were loads of cigarette filters and rizzler and tobacco pouches too, as well as some goth magazine about overpriced shitey clothes (Summer 2013 edition, in case you wondered) so they were probably trying to be non-conformist angry types!

We may never find out who was responsible but hopefully they were all in a terrible incident involving an escaped bear.

Anyway in an interesting and slightly darker subplot to this same tale, as I was rooting around trying to rediscover the scene of the crime, I came across a small campfire in a more closed-off area of the woods. There was no-one around, but there was an old cooking pot, a big shard of glass, a serving tray and - most disturbingly - an empty packet of pills. Was this possibly a place where someone had come to try and commit suicide?

This whole tale at least has an environmentally happy ending. When I got home, I seperated all the recylable materials and disposed of the rest of the rubbish responsibly IN A BIN!

In closing, I think our woods are lovely, and let's try to keep it that way! If you know someone who litters, tell them to dispose of their litter responsibly and not act like an effing scumbag! It's about time we introduced a clan of wildmen in the woods who could use any shiny beer cans left lying around to attract a mate. They would also be good for dissuading those damn teens from camping there overnight when they should be drinking and doing drugs in the skatepark like any normal human being!

"We're so rad we litter in the woods 'n shit"

That shelf was as empty as my heart was when I ran out of my new favorite drink

I was totally ready for an incredible evening tonight! Finished delivering pizzas at 9pm, was given a free pizza and just had to go to tesco and restock on my new drink of choice

JAMMIN'!

It's far and away the most delicious drink ever! It Pineapple and Coconut and I've drunk six cartons of it in the last week! It's revolutionised my life and it's probably pretty healthy!

So I was in tesco and I'd taken note it was buy one get one free and the offer ended on the 26th (TODAY!) so I thought it would be a good idea to stock up before the price skyrocketed to 89p EACH rather than for two. So I went to the appropriate section of tesco like a thirsty pilgrim completing his quest to the holy land, but then i got there and some OTHER had bought all the Jammin' and there was none left for me! I had to resort to alcohol but I sprooced it up with a wedge of lemon, feel like royalty.

End of Story.

Beginning of new story.

I bought a massive garden candle to satisfy my other cravings, it keeps the lesser candles in line.

So also recently I went to a well-wicked Train concert, had a great time! But I was also introduced to the music of Gin Wigmore there, who was the supporting act. They were also well wicked and I would recommend it as heavily as i would stand behind Jammin'.

Those are my two new fave things of the week!

So also big news (kinda new). I have left both my jobs and plan to leave the country on an awesome adventure next week! Ebay have been aflood with items I am selling to raise dollar. Not literally as my first stop is not the States, though they probably will feature somewhere along the line. First stop is Ireland with a woman acquaintance, basically to make sure she doesn't get kidnapped and it turn into Taken 3. I have a certain set of skills but I dont think they would be all too appropriate to rescuing a neurotic woman in the middle of Dublin!
After Dublin I will be flying to Copenhagen for Danish japery, solo! That's where the adventure will truly begin as I have absolutely no idea what to expect and what merry folks I will encounter! Keep an eye on this spot!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYBODY!!1!

So it's Valentine's Day yet again, that time of year that used to be about everyone complaining about love saying OH EM GEE IF U LUFF SOME1 IT SHOULD B 4 ALL TEH TIME NOT JST VALENTINE'S DAY! Eff off you bitches, if your lives are so perfect go marry yourselves!

Nowadays I like to stay one step ahead of them by saying I quite like the idea! What better idea than to have a day that's all about telling that special person how you really feel? And sure there are plenty of couples who are passed the magic and excitement of a brand new relationship so can take comfort in being bitter and resentful, and good for you lot who hate valentine's day, but there is no need to share this sad info with the rest of us! For a lot of single people it's the one day of the year you can pull off saying what your heart really feels, with only about 75% of the embarassment afterwards!

My own day has mainly been taken up with work in the morning, killing time this afternoon, and delivering pizzas in the evening. This evening has also been spent taking care of a certain sad-case friend who just sends texts composed mainly of "OMG I'M SINGLE AND IT'S VALENTINES DAY! HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS COMING?! WHY DOES NO MAN WANT ME?!"

I've run out of Coke, and this Vodka + Sugar-free Lemonade just isn't the same :(

I've also invested in a new candle, as my supply has been getting low of late. It's a garden-style one that weighs a couple of kilo's. It provides the light and warmth I need on a cold winter's night.

Mmmm I do love me some Hula-Hoops! Also Creme Eggs are the bizniz! It's an absolute travesty they don't sell them all year round (hands up who only learnt this recently?) I was paying for some petrol and they were  just sitting there...all 'on offer' and whatnot! I couldn't help myself!

So as I'm spending this evening in moral reflection rather than tarting myself like a whorish teen and trying to get with some 'lad' who can get me pregnant so I don't have to do anything with my life! GOD! - anyway as I'm spending this evening in moral reflection I'll share with you another story I read about in the paper.
There was this bloke and he basically lived off the money he got from the government because he was so skilled he could get two women pregnant multiple times and have 17 children altogether. In recognition of his acheivement the council gave him a house where he, his wife, his mistress, and all his children could live quite happily. According to word on the street both his women were cleaners and all their wages went straight into his bank account. Also he had a bit of wood that he would use to keep them in line.

I know what you're thinking - what a lad!

Anyway the reason this stuck in my head was because I THINK I remember reading about this human being was because he was in the news several years about complaining about the council not giving him a big enough house for him and his massive amount of offspring. They should have done what they did in the olden days and put them to work in the mines! Thanks a lot for that Thatcher!
So as I was saying this time he was in the papers because basically he'd burned his own (well, the council's) house down in a plan to frame his runaway mistress with arson, and stupidly he'd forgotten 6 of his children were in the house asleep at 3am in the morning!

So he's getting done for 6 counts of manslaughter, along with his wife who helped mastermind the plot! Still, at least in prison he'll get the free meals and accomodation he's become accustomed to!

On that cheerful note I wish you a happy valentine's day!...and according to google, the 154th birthday of George Ferris!

The End of the End of the End of the Beginning

Yeah so I was at work the other day and had the thought to drop everything and go travelling. CRASH went all the crockery I was holding for an old lady, but she was a forgetful old thing and I blamed it on a passing youth and her fear and loathing for the urchin-class soon made her forgive me.
That afternoon I handed in my vocal resignation, and from that day on I resolved to see how many pens I could steal before my final day!

Lately my distant friend has taken to wearing a bowler hat indoors, despite the constant sniggering behind their back I did before, it has probably quadripled since I first saw that first picture on a certain website (Redtube). They enjoy being alternative, and having nothing on their head was probably a bit too mainstream so they decided to imitate a banker from the 60s. They now belong in the class of people in The Boat That Rocked who try to kill the pirate radio stations! To retain their anonymity I'm just going to refer to them as Iwona B. Different.

I was watching The Hunger Games the other day, cracking film (phroar too!) and despite my companion calling Lenny Kravitz a paedophile I thoroughly enjoyed it! Also my unknowing guide in life, Woody Harrelson - who has already let me know it's a good idea to go to America and get a cowboy hat and be a badass - told me about how important it is to get sponsors to help me survive in the Hunger Games! So I might ask people if they want to sponsor me to travel round and world and do stuff they are too busy wearing bowler hats to do!

I'm also planning on going to Sweden and fighting a Moose with a shank made out of a shark bone, that I'll have a previous engagement with at the Brighton Sea Life Centre. Then I'll send back pictures of my adventures and get my secretary to compose them into an amazing visual journey of my exploits.

I hope some more people follow me on twitter as a result of this (cough @jacksummers1990 cough), as I go round the world immersing myself in cultures and whatnot. I thought 15 followers was a lot but my friend who tweets about how tough everything is every few seconds thinks otherwise! It'll be a horrible bodyblow not being able to sate my animal lust for large dominoes pizzas as often as i like, but that's just got to be one of the many sacrifices I have to make. I've also got to put into place someone to look after the silly girl at work who needs looking after and morally guiding through life.

Someone suggested I hide my knife (that would legitamately be helpful on a long journey) in my shoe at the airport. I pointed out that there is no room in my shoe next to the bomb I already have hidden in there. Just in case I need to imitate Mega Kick if I get attacked by a Pokemon.

I was crusing round da bloc delivering pizza this evening and I had on Nicki Minaj's first album. Now when I bought it perhaps my ears weren't used to any form of gangster phatty beats and her song about shitting on people, and the one with Eminem where he mentions even if he murdered every other woman in the world he still wouldn't have sex with Nicki as she is a slut, as he puts it. Now anyway I now think they are crackin' tunez and I had a banging time listening to it!

Lolling hard at the magazine rack at work at just how much of a mental nutcase Jordan has become, even for her! Apparently she makes her new stripper husband sleep in a freezing room and makes his wax his face and forced him to propose. It seems this poor fella just cannot stand up for himself, I dont see how she could force him to propose? Surely no-one takes her seriously anymore? Or ever did? Also ALL Real-life magazines are full of stories that are like OH EM GEE that must have been awful...now I hope the money you got from selling your horrific story to this magazine goes some way to healing the pain! They're like that or basically some whinging person going "My FELLA was in bed with 20 other women including my best friend whilst we were at the alter and I did know and he hit me...BUT I LOVE HIM".

And on that bombshell I finish!
KISSKISSKISS

New Year Old Man!

MENTION people in my post on Google Chrome?! I'd sooner talk about my life experiences! So I went to my Grandparents for Christmas and on the way back we went to the Sainsburys service station and you'll never guess who I saw?! HOBNOBS for only 52p! Needless to say I bought a packet of those badboys and I'm just waiting for the write moment to open them like some kinda bloomin vintage chardonney?
I also unearthed an old woolen jumper it's well pukka, I beleive is the expression! My expression is one of btichin'ness atm as I rock out to some Nicki Minaj! Just remembered that there was a new song by her out recently I had better check out the ol' iTunes and download that, I'm not one of those criminal-types who just downloads music on the rough! And yes, before you ask, of course when I'm listening to 'Whip It' of course I make a whipping motion with my hand, like some kinda of rodeo-ing Gangnam-Styler!
BRB (please allow a gap of about 2minutes)
I decided not to buy it, I'll have to think about it again with a clear head when making a financial decision of that kind of scale! In the meantime I've decided to listen to The Boy Does Nothing cos it's ace!

Ok so now that it's 1013 I think it's time for some abrupt and gob-smacking changes within my life! So I did it. I downgraded my regular pizza choice from a Large Dominator to a Medium. Of course I thought on this sort of diet I'll be so thin I'll be approached by most of the large supermodel-chains...cannot even think of one atm...I'd be happy to model for Primark cos I like their style, and speaking of style I got a tshirt from them the other day saying HEY SEXY LADY on it, then with brackets GANGNAM STYLE and another one saying HIP HOP IS NOT A CRIME, which I like cos it's true. But as I was saying earlier in the paragraph, on this diet I might get kidnapped by a modelling agency, like in the first series of Heroes. But as I was saying, to stop this happening to me I'm going to up my intake of alcohol, starting tonight!

My money pot I got for Christmas 2011 is nearly full, and I will smash it open to reap the riches within, it will be glorious! I suspect it will contain unlimited pounds.

I work myself too hard I have an arguement with myself just so I win, then I celebrate my win with some alcohol then I keep drinking.

 "You don't know who Boba Fett is?"
"No. I'm more of a Star Wars kinda guy."

Bruce Willis you massive troll!

Actually I'd quite enjoy watching Bruce Willis in a film where is a Troll Hunter. An Internet-troll hunter!And for anyone out there who doesn't know what an internet troll is, it's basically code-word for "joker", "liar", "c*nt". In that order!

And I started my fruitarian diet, but I will still eat meat! Like today I gobbled down 2 bananas, 2 oranges and an apple, but complimented it with a ham sandwich! I could be a meal-creater, which is a new job I've made up, it's like a conducter for a restaurant kitchen where he (or she) decides what meals can be cobbled together! Need I say that when I finally got home I just started whoring myself on Hula Hoops and Vodka. But who hasn't been there?

I also took some saucy pictures of myself in the bath, and started listening to P!nk. I dont know if the two events are related? Maybe you can tell me. When I got home today I was like I'm tearing off my trousers (no unusual thing there you might think!) but this time I was like I'm not even going to bother putting on my LOUNGEWEAR I just sat around in my undergarments. If anyone's got a problem with that, they can leave a comment!

Also I had a terrifying moment whilst delivering pizzas where I thought if a zombie attacked me would I be able to press the lock button on my car door fast enough to avoid it grabbing my arm and biting me?! I mean it would be well scary-m8. What would I do first I wonder? Head home and get my collection of knives and lint, then roam the streets asking people why they are being so serious?Maybe not. I could probably use my money pot to kill a zombie or two! it weighs so much now it would do more damage than a swinging elephants testicle!

So Christmas is coming! I love it! I went out and did nearly all my shopping in one day yesterday and only got one present for myself! Watch this space later for more christmas related news!

HOLAA!!

Basically me after I get home from work, but this one has a less pronounced package. Fact.

Will nout inspire?!

I jumped out the shower and went straight down the shops. Was arrested for not getting dressed first.

So I haven't yet gotten around to learning the piano again, but I am still thinking about it! Last night instead what I did was emotionally craft beuty on facebook in the form of a lovely cartoon kettle. Should sell in a Brighton Lanes store on the front of a t-shirt for great amounts of currency.









Sure, you can't make out the full message, but I think I prefer "u can ca e t-f" and wonder what's going through the kettle's mind as he boils his brains  on whatever recreational drugs he can get his beefy hands on. What a stud. I'd do him.

So I finished reading a book the other day and it was like a crime thriller one, and then at the end there's a page about what happened after she marries the man she loves and it just for a few pages becomes rancorous porn! "He touched her nipples with with ice cubes, and put warm oil inside her. he carried on until she begged him to enter her..."

Phrooorr!

Person at work: "Excuse me, where is the [CENSORED]"
Me: "It is here!"
Person: "Thank you how helpful, what is your name?"
Me: "You'll never take me back to your village and make me your god!" *jumps through sheet glass window and away*
Person: "Wait! Come back!"
Me: "But it was too late, I was already narating the end of this segment".


Another incident at work...

Me: "Sorry, I think I spat on your face" *wipes off face*
Colleague: "Most people would just have said nothing. That's bravery"
Me: "And like that I made a new friend"
Colleague: "Who are you talking to?"

An update for all my readers, I have now put some clothes on. Also I was leaving the post office the other day and it was pissing it down so I was turning on my iPod (apologies for the product placement) and this "character" was leaving the place past me and was like OH EM GEE M8 IT'S LIKE PROPER PISSING IT DOWN!
I was like please I hope you're not talking to me. Luckily it turned out they were not. I DON'T GO TO THE POST OFFICE TO MAKE FRIENDS!