CSI Burgess Hill: The case of the twats in the woods

So I was walking the dog through the woods today and she suddenly runs off into the bushes. After yelling at her but as she's so bloody stupid and probably smelled a 3-month old rotting piece of food that she wanted to eat, she ignored me and disappeared into the undergrowth. Cursing her, I dived in after her, and found her a minute later sniffing around what I will now do my best to describe.

Imagine a big pile of alcohol, enery drinks, rizzlers, filters and general litter. Then imagine someone dropped a bomb on it.

Or in other words some twattish students had been having a well rad time.

 So I took the animal home and set out again with a big black bag, as I thought dressing as Uncle Bungaria might scare off any wayward teens in the future. So I walked towards the woods, which are only about 200 metres from my house, and on the way picked up any bits of litter lying around. I was shocked to find my bag was half full before I even reached the edge of the woods!

I reached the crime-scene and I've managed to work out from a receipt from Millie's Cookies in Crawley, and a train ticket from Three Bridges, there was at least one outsider with them. COMING TO OUR TOWN AND LEAVING THEIR SHITE IN OUR NATURE RESERVES! There were loads of cigarette filters and rizzler and tobacco pouches too, as well as some goth magazine about overpriced shitey clothes (Summer 2013 edition, in case you wondered) so they were probably trying to be non-conformist angry types!

We may never find out who was responsible but hopefully they were all in a terrible incident involving an escaped bear.

Anyway in an interesting and slightly darker subplot to this same tale, as I was rooting around trying to rediscover the scene of the crime, I came across a small campfire in a more closed-off area of the woods. There was no-one around, but there was an old cooking pot, a big shard of glass, a serving tray and - most disturbingly - an empty packet of pills. Was this possibly a place where someone had come to try and commit suicide?

This whole tale at least has an environmentally happy ending. When I got home, I seperated all the recylable materials and disposed of the rest of the rubbish responsibly IN A BIN!

In closing, I think our woods are lovely, and let's try to keep it that way! If you know someone who litters, tell them to dispose of their litter responsibly and not act like an effing scumbag! It's about time we introduced a clan of wildmen in the woods who could use any shiny beer cans left lying around to attract a mate. They would also be good for dissuading those damn teens from camping there overnight when they should be drinking and doing drugs in the skatepark like any normal human being!

"We're so rad we litter in the woods 'n shit"