Yeah so I was at work the other day and had the thought to drop everything and go travelling. CRASH went all the crockery I was holding for an old lady, but she was a forgetful old thing and I blamed it on a passing youth and her fear and loathing for the urchin-class soon made her forgive me.
That afternoon I handed in my vocal resignation, and from that day on I resolved to see how many pens I could steal before my final day!
Lately my distant friend has taken to wearing a bowler hat indoors, despite the constant sniggering behind their back I did before, it has probably quadripled since I first saw that first picture on a certain website (Redtube). They enjoy being alternative, and having nothing on their head was probably a bit too mainstream so they decided to imitate a banker from the 60s. They now belong in the class of people in The Boat That Rocked who try to kill the pirate radio stations! To retain their anonymity I'm just going to refer to them as Iwona B. Different.
I was watching The Hunger Games the other day, cracking film (phroar too!) and despite my companion calling Lenny Kravitz a paedophile I thoroughly enjoyed it! Also my unknowing guide in life, Woody Harrelson - who has already let me know it's a good idea to go to America and get a cowboy hat and be a badass - told me about how important it is to get sponsors to help me survive in the Hunger Games! So I might ask people if they want to sponsor me to travel round and world and do stuff they are too busy wearing bowler hats to do!
I'm also planning on going to Sweden and fighting a Moose with a shank made out of a shark bone, that I'll have a previous engagement with at the Brighton Sea Life Centre. Then I'll send back pictures of my adventures and get my secretary to compose them into an amazing visual journey of my exploits.
I hope some more people follow me on twitter as a result of this (cough @jacksummers1990 cough), as I go round the world immersing myself in cultures and whatnot. I thought 15 followers was a lot but my friend who tweets about how tough everything is every few seconds thinks otherwise! It'll be a horrible bodyblow not being able to sate my animal lust for large dominoes pizzas as often as i like, but that's just got to be one of the many sacrifices I have to make. I've also got to put into place someone to look after the silly girl at work who needs looking after and morally guiding through life.
Someone suggested I hide my knife (that would legitamately be helpful on a long journey) in my shoe at the airport. I pointed out that there is no room in my shoe next to the bomb I already have hidden in there. Just in case I need to imitate Mega Kick if I get attacked by a Pokemon.
I was crusing round da bloc delivering pizza this evening and I had on Nicki Minaj's first album. Now when I bought it perhaps my ears weren't used to any form of gangster phatty beats and her song about shitting on people, and the one with Eminem where he mentions even if he murdered every other woman in the world he still wouldn't have sex with Nicki as she is a slut, as he puts it. Now anyway I now think they are crackin' tunez and I had a banging time listening to it!
Lolling hard at the magazine rack at work at just how much of a mental nutcase Jordan has become, even for her! Apparently she makes her new stripper husband sleep in a freezing room and makes his wax his face and forced him to propose. It seems this poor fella just cannot stand up for himself, I dont see how she could force him to propose? Surely no-one takes her seriously anymore? Or ever did? Also ALL Real-life magazines are full of stories that are like OH EM GEE that must have been awful...now I hope the money you got from selling your horrific story to this magazine goes some way to healing the pain! They're like that or basically some whinging person going "My FELLA was in bed with 20 other women including my best friend whilst we were at the alter and I did know and he hit me...BUT I LOVE HIM".
And on that bombshell I finish!
KISSKISSKISS
m8, u still a faggot
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