This week I've had some interesting thoughts. But let me tell you this stuff first...

I hope Brazil are pleased they caused me to lose out on the jackpot in the work sweepstake. First they cunningly trick me into giving a damn about football in the first place by including my main interest (money), then they go and break my heart! I've watched more football in the last couple of weeks than I ever have in all the rest of my life.
Now the cat is being demanding! She keeps trying to jump on my lap whilst I expose myself at my desk (in word form). Little does her cat-mind realise I don't really enjoy her being on my lap, purring maniacally whilst digging her claws into my tender thighs!
Speaking of which, I went for a walk the other day and got such bad chaffing in my gentleman's area that when I checked myself (before i wrecked myself) in the shower the next morning I found a blooming graze mark! I was so upset that my thigh gap has disappeared that I had to immediately eat a pizza whilst having a good think about what caused this weight gain.
I foolishly had a second Monster energy drink this evening whilst at a friend's (and was subsequently named King of the Party-Boys 2014) because 1 is never enough but 2 is too much! Anyway it led to me singing loudly to Rod Stewart on my drive home. Also I felt so wild I thought I could take a selfie and get put on @Cunt_Watchers, which I used to follow on twitter but now I kinda feel like it's a lot of the same old shit. #SoAlternative.
Also watched Law Abiding Citizen this evening (not for the first time) and it was, as always, excellent. Although I now think I may have a man-crush on Jamie Foxx. Especially in Valentine's Day at the end where he's playing the keyboard at the party, I wish I was him. He's also brilliant as Motherfucker Jones in Horrible Bosses!
Also I'm a big Tom Hanks fan and can't even think of a film he's done I don't enjoy!

Also I've sent out questionnaires to my many millions of readers, and the reply I got back indicates my blog posts are too long! The respondent also ticked the boxes marked:
-poor
-very poor
-words begin to escape me as to quite how poor
-buttock-clenchingly piss poor

SO I'm thinking I could spruce it up a bit with some nice pictures.
I had a brief trip down memory lane and realised my first couple of blogs were awash with #hashtags and nice pictures, and they were popular enough, right? RIGHT? *lonelytears*


I know I do go on about Billy Joel a lot also, so here's a nice picture of him .
   He's topped my internal list of favourite musicians of all time

On a political note I took part in the big work today. I was going to go into town and join the picket line but I thought, as long as I'm not at work I can just have my own private revolution here in Nando's and enjoy some delicious chicken at the same time! I was thrilled (in more ways than one) that they've finally rearranged their menu so that the "10 chicken wings" is no longer in a section marked "Great for sharing"


Speaking of Nando's my younger cousin works there and it was her birthday yesterday so happy birthday to you! My Dad suggested I send a card but I know amongst us of the younger generation it's more cool to be given lots of Facebook comments to show how popular you are!

Also finally finished Season 4 of Breaking Bad and found out the big twist at the end....that however deplorable the character Jesse Pinkman is, my women friends will all still say he's the bee's effing knees just cos he's got a pretty face on 'im! #welljel. Also I found out, to my cost, the difference in the Dvd boxes titled "The Fifth Seaon" and "The Final Season". Basically The Final Season, what i have, is only actually half of season 5, even though nowhere on the box it says that u only get the second half of the season on it! My outrage was matched only by my inability to concoct an appropriate comparison!...BITCH


I got laughed at the other day when my macho friend found out how emotional I found Toy Story 3 at the cinema and it got me thinking that I could go back in time and rewatch that film again and re-feel the emotions! We had to delay driving home because I started weeping at the wheel! It was the most powerful cinematic experience I've ever had, and I've seen the first 3 Pokemon films!

Cars, Bars, Stars, and my rhyming ability has deserted me.

My Dad came round today and pointed out two bald tyres on my car, thanks a lot! I was happily oblivious to it, now I have to worry! Just like when someone points out one of my headlights has blown, then I can't help but notice, whereas before I wouldn't even! So I took it up the town (Wahey) and they changed the tyres for £130 BUT....BUT........BUT then they said my something-or-other also needed changing which would be another amount of money! All the while I was doing my friendly banter that I always have to do when I have to ask another man to fix my car/computer/life for me as I am too hopeless to do it myself.

"Hello there good chap, it appears my automobile has popped a gasket (I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL GASKET!) and I cannot get to the village fete! Wouldst thou be a good fellow and help one out"  - basically how I think I sound when talking to anyone with a practicle skill.

I've had a great afternoon bathing in the dark pleasure of True Detective (A new fave of mine) followed naturally by Groundhog Day with Bill Murry. I mean that the film has him in it, I dont mean I watched it with him. That would be great and my bedroom does have a 'guest chair' now after numerous complaints from visitors. I might have to get rid of it now as it takes up loads of room. Guests can go back to sitting on the bed and suffer from a lack of lumbar support.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I'm planning on biking it to my place of work to see how long it would take. It's only 10 miles which isn't too bad, but then again right in the middle in the infamous cyclist-death-road of The South Downs, which I've never managed to cycle up without stopping in a heart-attack-inducing out-of-breath-ness. Luckily as it's a Sunday tomorrow the only people to get stuck behind me as I make my heroic cycle ride will be 'Sunday-Drivers' who if they go any slower will be going backwards anyway.
I heard from my Mum today that she saw a queue of cars going into Brighton stretching back miles and miles down the motorway. I'm like if you're dumb enough to drive into a busy seaside city on a sunny Saturday u deserve to roast to death stuck halfway up a motorway!

After my last blog (which was the least popular sine January, thank you loyal fanbase)  I spent a good hour researching Giant Squids. Apparently that picture at the bottom of it was a hoax! What can I say I panicked and was caught up in the media frenzy (from years ago) (I like to get to the party late) WHICH REMINDS ME I was talking to a friend the other day and she introduced me to the concept that's it's polite to always turn up to arranged events 5-10 minutes late! As you can imagine my punctuality-driven mind was torn asunder! Shows what I know about highbrow etiquette!

Which also gets me onto the subject of me being asked to attend a social evening with a group of friends at a pub or one of their houses, basically as an excuse to get sloshed! Call my ultra-radical (like the kids down the skatepark ofter do when i bounce a phat olly off a halfpipe at 360 degrees, celcius) but I fancy doing something other than that! Surely in this day and age we, as young adults, can show more imagination?! Should I be concerned that the first thing that popped into my mind was getting together and performing a play together? I'd enjoy it! I reckon everyone else would too, as they're an expressive bunch!

So as I mentioned I watched Groundhog Day, which I love every time, and especially at the end when Bill Murry becomes an awesome jazz pianist, and am decided that I also am going to have another crack at learning piano! I hope the skills I learnt over a couple of weeks last year are still fresh in my mind! Rest assured I will let you know! If I survive the South Downs tomorrow that is!

On an entirely different note I wish to pre-warn you of the superhero character I have created. Introducing:

FRIENDZONE!

He can be ruled out as boyfriend material faster than a speeding bullet!
His bonds of friendship with women are more powerful than a locomotive!
He is able to leap mountains of logic in a single bound!

And on top of that he has superhuman listening abilities, as well as unbreakable patience! He is strong enough to carry a hundred bags of shopping!

...Sorry I zoned out and woke up looking at the Green Arrow wikipedia page!

That's why there used to be more dentists on the NHS, so the Great Plaque of London would never happen again.

I've inadvertently (long word so early on, I know) created a delicious beverage. Let me tell you all about it.

I was in Tesco the other day and I spied some discounted cans of coke. I eagerly bought them but then once I got them home I saw, to my horror, that they were VANILLA coke. As a coke puritan I basically turned my nose up so high I did a backflip. 

But anyway now I have mixed it with some delicious vodka and it tastes not half bad! 

Speaking of my vodka, it had found it's way to the back of the cupboard. I dont know if it's to do with my mother's mad cupboard sorting shenanigans or if a black hole has opened in the back of my drinks cupboard and it's drawing in my vodka like some super-dense galactic phenomenon! 

"I've been drawn into watching at least three games of the World Cup since it started. I'm finding it well exciting" lied the author.

So Stardust is an awesome movie, but stupidly I've leant it to my sister so I spent about 10 minutes frantically searching for it and almost hulking out before I remembered. Then I wept openly.

I'm tiring of this Vanilla Coke. I mean vanilla is the most...vanilla of flavours! I wouldn't choose it if i had a choice of ice cream to eat, so why the hell would i put it in my coke?! I mean would a chocolate coke be good? perhaps. But who would be mad enough to make it...or genius enough to.

Which reminds me, my good friend (see: onely) has been spreading that "well known fact" that chocolate has special stuff in it (oh yes I'm getting all technical on your asses) (and pulling out the word 'ass', apparently)...

....

anyway she's been saying that chocolate has that special thing that you can also get from a hug, or love, or something. Call me cynical but doth this not just sound like something the chocolate companies (and by extension 'the establishment') would say to cater to chocolate's main fan-base, the +censored because of highly sexist content+

I had some Rocky Road chocolate the other day, it was off the rails!

According to a friend because I complimented a girl on her hair, that will make me come across as a, and I quote, 'safe old gay'. Obviously what I should have done is just honked my horn, told her she had nice tits and driven off. Which would have been difficult as we were indoors at the time.

I got laughed at whilst watching the football (see earlier paragraph) for starting my comment on the game with "you want to hear an interesting fact about grass?" WILL I NEVER FIT IN WITH DA LADZ?

Also I found out my nickname at work is not 'The Elephant Man' on account of my excellent memory!

WTF is this?!

"It was weird: he kept messaging me on Facebook and I thought what does he want? Turns out he just wanted to chat!"

The title is basically what a new friend I'd made said to the friend I had met him through when I tried to engage him in friendly chit-chat! Clearly I come across as scary/untrustworthy.

I'm totally living it large and boogying to the album "52nd Street" by Billy Joel atm. It's off the rails! Stiletto is just a massive tune, followed by the bodacious Half A Mile Away and the likes of Until the Night and 52nd Street itself!
I had an impromptu dance in the mirror the other day after getting home from work (after a couple) to BB King's "In The Midnight Hour". My moves wouldn't have looked out of place at a professional singing demo.

Was exposed last night to a new experience: the band Garden Heart, who were friends of my good pal Tariq Khawaja (who let me tell you is a pretty big deal). They were playing a set at a pub in Brighton called The Hope, and they played a few songs but the one that stuck with me the most was called Water, it was awesome! I don't think they are available on iTunes (I have checked) but if you want to listen to it, simply search Garden Heart Water in Youtube and it's pretty easy to find!

Whilst at The Hope, I witness my buddy falling in love with the gorgeous barstaff-lady. I was unable to persuade him to throw caution to the wind and ask for her number or hand in marriage, but it did get me thinking about my own barren love-life. I've only ever had one proper relationship, my school and college-years consisted of just falling head over hells for one girl after another, none of whom returned my affections so I grew used to that being the norm. At the time I was jealous of the people who rocked from one relationship to the next with no trouble.
While I'm grateful for the relationship I had and the good times it brought me, I know can appreciate that relationships have to have a lot of hard work put in to make them last. And there are many times in the meantime when you feel like so much shit and you feel no-one can hurt you like the person you're in a relationship with. And when it does end it doesn't feel great either!
I think one thing is that every TV show or film has some unarguable truth, or some great cliché, that can make you think WOW that would definitely work! and it won't!
Another thing is these men who have tried to turn picking up women into some form of art, which I just find a bit weird, desperate and creepy! Life isn't a game where you can see how far you can sow your seeds. We, as a race, have evolved beyond that!

Yeah so since the end of my relationship my renewed quest for a female companion has regressed to my schooldays of liking some girl from the sidelines, safe in the knowledge that if I do go for it I'll only be met by rejection so best to just stick to the sidelines and like her in safe anonymity.
For instance there was a girl I met through a friend and we got on like a house on fire and she wasn't just cute, she was funny, smart and a bit crazy too. We arranged to meet up just the two of us and see a film but then I was left outside the cinema for 25 minutes and she never showed, and she hasn't offered any explanation or spoken to me since! I've tried to find out but just no reply to anything!
The only other close call I had was when I actually got to the date stage with a girl from Tinder who was very nice, we had a nice meal and some banter (forgive me for using that word) in the pub. I thought things went great and I walked home with a spring in my step despite my dodgy foot (see previous blog) but then the next morning she texts me to say there was no chemistry! I was left hurt and emasculated, but by lunchtime I had gotten over it.

Also one other thing. I've noticed that the spell check on here doesn't actually recognise the word 'blog'.

Then the cat came along and clawed me right in the penis.

So here are some facts.

My body hair.
My back is so hairy I was out swimming with a friend and she rushed over me to tell me that she had spotted another person in the pool who had a hairier back than me. I have spent many an evening painfully plucking it back over my shoulders. I would go get it waxed just so I could live a normal life, but the rest of me is also so hairy that it would be a noticeable bald spot and frankly look weird.
During the summer a couple of years ago I spotted someone at the beach with a hairy chest (like mine) but his back had no hair on it! Frankly I thought he must be some kind of supermodel.
Also I worry that if I shave it (or any other body part, you may as well know) it will only grow back...more powerful than ever before! But in the meantime (and I know this from experience) if one does shave one's gentleman's area it will grow back as stubble. The horror of that doesn't bare thinking about. It's the same with nostril hair. Once I plucked a nostril hair out (which was a painful enough experience in itself) that about about 2 inches long.
Once on a drunk dare I had the hair around my nipple scorched with a lighter. I think the others at the party make a bigger deal of this than is necessary, but then I always did party hard. It was a good party!

My feet.
Two of my friends are horrified at my big toe-nails because they are are much more curved than your average toe-nails (which I know because when you're not looking, I am inspecting your toe-nails and comparing). They don't freak me out as they've always been like that. During my college years I had a nasty pain that sprung up in my right foot that felt like, I imagine, the bone that runs along from your large toe back to your ankle had a crack in the middle widthways and occasionally separated. Anyway it was quite painful but it's stopped now.

On another note, a friend of mine just asked my advice on this matter (in confidence):  "There's this girl I'm speaking yo on tinder. Really pretty, but all face shot. Where's the line at if I ask her how much she weighs?"

It was a tough one...on the one hand she might be very offended then my friend has probably messed up his chance with this. But on the other, we all know there's only one reason for full-face shots, and the last thing I wanted to do was pressure my friend into asking her for a date only for him to be very upset when she isn't the supermodel he's hoping.
Then again, what I actually said was "put yourself in her shoes", which I know is a bit of a cliché but let's think about it. Imagine for one moment, guys, that you're this girl on tinder. If you're a girl, imagine you're a different girl on tinder. Some guy you've never met has just asked how much you weigh. How would you feel?
Obviously my friend fell to his knees at this epiphany and swore to change his womanising ways.

Before I end this blog I'd like to big up a musician I've become a big fan of. His name's Jamie Knox and he's from Brighton. He's on iTunes I'd recommend his stuff highly!