Some hilarious, family friendly jokes, followed by detailed recounts of my recent sex dreams.

So I said something Lol-worthy the other day. I was playing scrabble (on my phone. It's the 21st century, man!) and my opponent used a word 'Godet'. Now call me an ignorant gorrysporrencobbler but I didn't know what that meant! Neither did she, and she admitted this, her tone heavy with the shame.

I countered with the word 'Moa' and I was like at least I know what that is!

It's what I mo my lawn with!

For those of you that are interested, and as this blog is here to educate as well as to "entertain", I show you the following:

"A godet (/ɡoʊˈdeɪ/ or /ɡoʊˈdɛt/) is an extra piece of fabric in the shape of a circular sector which is set into a garment, usually a dress or skirt. The addition of a godet causes the article of clothing in question to flare, thus adding width and volume. Adding a godet to a piece of clothing also gives the wearer a wider range of motion."

– Wikipedia

Another thing happened yesterday. I was out on a walk with a different friend (That means I have at least two. Count 'em) and she used the phrase ‘but alas’. I think she was talking about me doing something more with my life, but my mind was elsewhere! (She’s proud not to read this blog so I can say what I like about her).

All I heard was ‘Butterlass’ and in my mind a new superheroin was born.

On a vaguely connected note, one of my female friends reports to waking up smelling of butter. So it might be her. Or she might be a perverse sexual deviant. Knob of Butter. I’ll say no more.

So yeah the main themes behind Butterlass would just be being an obese woman who fights crime. She also makes a stand for overweight people (who are too fat to stand up for themselves). She never plays the damsel in distress either, as she is too heavy to kidnap.

Lastly I’d like to share all about a couple of sex dreams I’ve had recently. Neither of them involved a Moa, sadly, but one does involve a girl with a pig’s nose. I’d like to point out now that I’ve never seen the movie ‘Penelope’ and also that there was no actual rumpy-pumpy with pig-woman, though of course I’m not prejudiced against her. I was pretty much of the opinion, well we’re both single, why not?

Then her drunken sister burst in, and demanded we call her ‘Shandy Andi’ which got me thinking. If Andi is a shortened name for a girl, what is it short for?

That’s the end of that dream.

A moa.

"Shorter than Expected"

Look Ella Henderson I'm a massive fan of Ghost and everything but why do you have to look Ellie-Goulding-esque AND be next to her in my iTunes library? Literally too confusing for words (aside from these words). Which makes me think, anyway who has ever said "I'm too *whatever* for words!" is a LIAR!!

I've noticed that Google, that most beloved of search engines, often has a theme on special days for the word "Google" when you open the main page. However - and here's the problem as I see it - take note - they often do the weirdest reasons for celebration. For instance the other day it was, Google told me, Emmeline Pankhurst's 156th birthday (might have the year wrong, bear with me thats not important!) Now I have nothing against Emmeline Pankhurst she was a powerful woman and did many great things! But what I do find odd is that Google can find nothing more interesting to put as their theme! I reiterate that Emmeline Pankhurst is alright by me, but it's not like 156 years old is a special milestone (especially considering she's dead! If she was still alive I'd agree that's amazing!)

Ok so I was doing the usual unfriending people that I don't have any contact or interest in the other day on Facebook. How awkward is it when you unfriend someone and because of the urgency you accidentally double-click and it sends them a friend request? I say!



I have huge love for Ray Charles, I couldn't be happier than when I watch (and re-watch) Hit The Road Jack on youtube. It's quality! He's also amazing in The Blues Brothers!

My upcoming journey to be the highest man in the UK!

Apparently saying someone 'looks well' as in 'Hello, you're looking well!' isnt a compliment it's actually basically telling the woman in question she looks fat. Instead of being offended, ladies, perhaps you should pass out a pamphlet saying what phrases actually mean, as clearly I'm on the wrong page! Would this pamphlet even have that many pages?! Clearly it has a few otherwise I wouldn't be so lost!

Mountain Trek:
"Captain's Log....a Sycamore has fallen across the bridleway, we had best shift it before the next group of tourists comes across it!"
Or the great scene where Scottie meets Bones on the bridge...across the stream.

I could think of more excellent jokes detailing a Mountain-themed Star Trek but i dont wanna.

back to women, apparently 50% of women dont like being complimented anyway! And you should never say that a women 'looks better than you were expecting' or 'isn't as stupid as she looks'. It's like they took rocket science and brain surgery and mixed them together and made them into a way to talk to people! I dont want to get killed by a really really 'well' woman when she crushes me beneath her well-to-do-ness!

Back to mountain-themed-ness. I have a week off work coming up, and am planning to journey to Wales to climb, and make unto mine bitch, Mount Snowden. Manly stuff? But that's not all! I'll then be journeying far north to Ben Nevis and conquering that too! I will be raising money for charity but am yet to decide which one(s). I have decided though that if I can raise £100 I will do Ben Nevis (behave) in a kilt!
Part of this journey of self-discovery and misadventure came about because of this accursed heatwave (nah it's ok really, just a bit hot innit?) anyway so us lads at work have been told in no uncertain terms we're not allowed to wear shorts, as they will distract our female colleagues. I have been told I'm allowed to wear a skirt or kilt though. So I plan to head to the land where I'm sure I'll be able to find a kilt to purchase! Then the rest of the adventure pretty much built up around that!

Due to a recent call for more "Naked women, fast cars, pandas and feathers", here is what I have to offer. It not only encapsulates everything on the shopping list, but has also been made to be totally family-friendly.

News Update: Friendzone spotted wining and dining with three lovely ladies

I had to ask which member of Sex and the City I was...I mean that's what I bet the superhero Friendzone was thinking...whoever he is. Apparently I'm Sam (who apparently is the filthy one).

For the first time since I got my phone I actually came close to exceeding the 2GBs of internet I'm allotted from the national supply of internet available. It is troubling as how am I going to...actually I should be fine.

I have less money in my account than I thought I did. This is not news.

Just now I was on my Facebook account and I noticed that according to Facebook I only like the music of Jamie Knox. Whilst I do enjoy it lots (I went to a well-wicked gig of his recently and partied hard) I've got a lot of music-love to share about. So Facebook offers up artists and you're basically like yes/no. Like Tinder.

Do I like Tinder? Well it was fun for a while (was it?) but I've gone off it now. I've gone back to being avoided by women in person. (tiny violin) (Possibly a Viola)

Anyway so there were loads of artists popping up and I was struck by how many artists there are that I am not at all interested in! I'm trying to shy away from saying 'they is well shit!' because they can (debatably) make better music than me. Then again that reminds me of my time as the front-man for the hit band The Rhythm Rascals and the wild gig we performed at my secondary school talent show, before it was rocked by terrible allegations that I was miming. Alas, we didn't win any prizes even though we threw sweets into the crowd and dressed much smarter than any other act.

You know the expression where someone's so stressed they pull their hair out? (I know I barely, lazily described the saying). Yes of course you know what I'm chattin'bout. I just want to say here and now that my stress release is reaching over my shoulder and ripping a chunk of my shoulder-furr out. Anyway that's not the issue. The issue is I don't want to have on weird bald shoulder! (That would be weird). On a related note I was a bit drunk whilst getting ready for a classy night out, and I noticed the hair around my gentleman's area was growing out in all directions and thought it would be a good idea to grab a chunk (possibly to sell on the Let Thy Words Be Furious website) and just yank it really hard. Needless to say it was painful but effective. If the effect was to have an unsightly missing chunk of pubic hair (Which I cant lie, that's what I was going for). I liken the experience to the scene in the Da Vinci Code where he flagellates himself ;) (That's what I always call it anyway, wahey)

I was out clubbing the other night. Either I've gotten older (or dare I say it, too old for this shit?) or young people have just gotten more annoying. Also I spent 40 minutes queuing to get into the club my friends were in, sandwiched between a REALLY annoying drunk person and some other people and they were all endlessly moaning about the queue and stuff and I was like I'm not minding this queue and that makes me think I am getting old. Perhaps it reminded me of happier times in a long queue at the post office that I enjoyed one Summer afternoon in 2011.

I thought to myself the other day while someone was saying something stupid to me, I thought I'm taking the piss out of you in my head and laughing at you in my head...and you don't even realise. bwahahaa


I'm going to leave it there.

This week I've had some interesting thoughts. But let me tell you this stuff first...

I hope Brazil are pleased they caused me to lose out on the jackpot in the work sweepstake. First they cunningly trick me into giving a damn about football in the first place by including my main interest (money), then they go and break my heart! I've watched more football in the last couple of weeks than I ever have in all the rest of my life.
Now the cat is being demanding! She keeps trying to jump on my lap whilst I expose myself at my desk (in word form). Little does her cat-mind realise I don't really enjoy her being on my lap, purring maniacally whilst digging her claws into my tender thighs!
Speaking of which, I went for a walk the other day and got such bad chaffing in my gentleman's area that when I checked myself (before i wrecked myself) in the shower the next morning I found a blooming graze mark! I was so upset that my thigh gap has disappeared that I had to immediately eat a pizza whilst having a good think about what caused this weight gain.
I foolishly had a second Monster energy drink this evening whilst at a friend's (and was subsequently named King of the Party-Boys 2014) because 1 is never enough but 2 is too much! Anyway it led to me singing loudly to Rod Stewart on my drive home. Also I felt so wild I thought I could take a selfie and get put on @Cunt_Watchers, which I used to follow on twitter but now I kinda feel like it's a lot of the same old shit. #SoAlternative.
Also watched Law Abiding Citizen this evening (not for the first time) and it was, as always, excellent. Although I now think I may have a man-crush on Jamie Foxx. Especially in Valentine's Day at the end where he's playing the keyboard at the party, I wish I was him. He's also brilliant as Motherfucker Jones in Horrible Bosses!
Also I'm a big Tom Hanks fan and can't even think of a film he's done I don't enjoy!

Also I've sent out questionnaires to my many millions of readers, and the reply I got back indicates my blog posts are too long! The respondent also ticked the boxes marked:
-poor
-very poor
-words begin to escape me as to quite how poor
-buttock-clenchingly piss poor

SO I'm thinking I could spruce it up a bit with some nice pictures.
I had a brief trip down memory lane and realised my first couple of blogs were awash with #hashtags and nice pictures, and they were popular enough, right? RIGHT? *lonelytears*


I know I do go on about Billy Joel a lot also, so here's a nice picture of him .
   He's topped my internal list of favourite musicians of all time

On a political note I took part in the big work today. I was going to go into town and join the picket line but I thought, as long as I'm not at work I can just have my own private revolution here in Nando's and enjoy some delicious chicken at the same time! I was thrilled (in more ways than one) that they've finally rearranged their menu so that the "10 chicken wings" is no longer in a section marked "Great for sharing"


Speaking of Nando's my younger cousin works there and it was her birthday yesterday so happy birthday to you! My Dad suggested I send a card but I know amongst us of the younger generation it's more cool to be given lots of Facebook comments to show how popular you are!

Also finally finished Season 4 of Breaking Bad and found out the big twist at the end....that however deplorable the character Jesse Pinkman is, my women friends will all still say he's the bee's effing knees just cos he's got a pretty face on 'im! #welljel. Also I found out, to my cost, the difference in the Dvd boxes titled "The Fifth Seaon" and "The Final Season". Basically The Final Season, what i have, is only actually half of season 5, even though nowhere on the box it says that u only get the second half of the season on it! My outrage was matched only by my inability to concoct an appropriate comparison!...BITCH


I got laughed at the other day when my macho friend found out how emotional I found Toy Story 3 at the cinema and it got me thinking that I could go back in time and rewatch that film again and re-feel the emotions! We had to delay driving home because I started weeping at the wheel! It was the most powerful cinematic experience I've ever had, and I've seen the first 3 Pokemon films!