I Reemed A Reem

Okay this post is being made through the magic of me pawing at the touch-screen of my tablet that came with my phone contract ad i dont want but received a flat 'no'  when i asked if i can have it taken off my contract at the store.
I have recently thought of some important questions -  such as when tgey toast a new ship by smasing a bottle of chapagne against it,  what happens to the glass?  Does it just fall into the sea?
If Susan Boyle and Joey Essex did a colaboration of some type could it be called 'I Reemed a Reem?' even if i cant help but think that sounds racist?
Is it bad of me to wish a fiery death to all motorists who fail to use their indicators? (obviously it isnt)

Also i've come by a load of mineral water and have upped my classiness factor by drinking it with a slice of lemon.  Impressed? I also went to an opera -  that has to count for something,  right!? I've been searching in vain for a tie rack but to no avail.

I went for an inpromptu run the other night down by the sea,  and didnt even get heckled by the gangs of youths hanging around in the shadows doing who-knows-what.  I was wearing my scandalously tight white union jack vest top to ward off bad luck so maybe that had something to do with it.

Damn this tablet,  it feels like i've written War & Peace already,  Oh for an actual keyboard! Plus the predictive text has the most retarded suggestions i've ever seen!

I'm off to bed now to read a bit of Catch-22, which is a very tough read.  I dont know if i'm enjoying it or it's just my stubborn refusal not to let a book beat me!

That Wedding!

I'm being forced by circumstance to write this out using a pen and copying it out onto an electronic device, so I apologise for the dodgy handwriting!
I'm here to tell you about the wedding of my favorite sister, Lizi, to her husband (what a twist) Nic (without a 'k') It was either do this or spend money on an actual wedding gift!
Of course you're all anxious to hear exactly which dance moves in unearthed from the Boogie-Vault, and what I managed to steal in the clean-up operation in the morning - but first i must tell you basically what happened...
Firstly whilst talking and exchanging rings (or the jewellery variety, not phone-calls) there was much crying from both sides - I assume they were both feeling the kind of emotion I was feeling throughout Toy Story 3.
Speaking oh which, someone of fine taste chose the Gypsy Kings version of You've Got A Friend In Me, to dance to later in the evening so I had to crack out the fast footwork coupled with air-castanettes, that seemed to go down well, though the caretaker in the morning did have a moan about the scorch-marks I'd left on every inch of the dance-floor.
Luckily for the sake of my own ego I did get a big laugh from the bridesmaids (and those who were there but not bridesmaids) by shouting, over dinner (by which time I was heavily 'on it') "I think there's something wrong with this pork, as I seem to have contracted DANCE FEVER" but then five hours of intense dancing later I was still lighting up the dance-floor with fancy footwork, sassy shapes and amazing alliteration!
As my 'dish' I provided 275 fortune cookies that I bought on the cheap from Wing Yip, a fabulous Chinese supermarket in Croydon and despite my generous distribution I still have about 100 left to get rid of somehow! I have a friend at work who takes great delight in reading her fortune every day so September I should be rid them all! The only problem is she can't eat gluten so I have to eat all the cookies - lucky they're so morish!
I also collaborating with my fellow dancers to form a huge conga line which, under my strict supervision, was kept boy-girl-boy-girl which seemed to appease any conga-etiquette experts in the room!
Another thing I took away was that you should not ask anyone "so why were you not chosen as a bridesmaid?" and don't trust someone you've just met to swing you between their legs during a pretty ambitious impromptu dance routine!

Plan B: how to fix the country

Hark! Doth I hear the calls of the political parties rallying the plebs to vote for them to be in power once again? It must be an election coming up, where promises are created like eggs from a hen before being broken on the side of the saucepan of power and then fried over the heat of political pressure!

Now don't get me wrong, democracy is a cracking system, but like every system it's not without it's drawbacks. I mean what if we vote in someone who's a complete lunatic?

Also what's worrying is everyone I've talked to (at least two people) agree that the system we have is broken. Now we're not the kind of people to do something about what we know is broken - we can leave that to some White Knight do-gooder! But this First Past The Post system we operate (where whoever has the most votes wins, simple as that) has some huge flaws when we have multiple political parties! It leads to things such as tactical voting, which I think it nonsense as if you want a party to win you should vote for that party! If you only have two parties then FPTP is fine, but nowadays we have the two main parties, then Lib Dems who are the official bronzers, then a plethora of smaller parties. And the result is the voter-ship is split so many ways that even the winners only get around 30% of the entire vote, so whoever wins then more than half the population are going to say WELL I DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU so they're always going to be unpopular!

I got chatting to a lovely girl on the train the other day, as I noticed she was reading a Jack Reacher book, by Lee Child - the one that's just come out. I was also reading one at the time and slyly slid into the seat opposite her, really un-subtle-ly reading my book. She noticed - of course she noticed! and we had a nice chat. I really regret not asking for her number but I hope I put in her mind the idea that i was some incredible socialite who would find her number if I wanted to - through my many channels. Anyway I saw it as a positive!


But the thing is, we're a country of around 60-70 million people, how can anyone, or any political party, possibly represent everyone happily? You have the mega-rich, who probably only care about building up palaces of gold and eating £50 notes whilst they shoot at beggars; then you have the young people who will not be able to pay off their student fees before they're in their 50s, or ever own a house because the rich are using all the houses to store their motorbikes/mistresses/gold. But you get the point, i hope!

I saw a quiz on Facebook the other day which was "Which Avenger are you?" - I don't need a quiz to tell me I'm not any of the Avengers. I mean these idiot-magnets are like What kind of shop would your spirit animal buy shoes in? I'm like I don't give a shit you were probably put together by someone who was turned down for a job by Apple and are now just a sad loser who splits his time scouting for talent in the Meals for one aisle of their local Lidl, and crying at the same state of their life in the privacy of their Mum's basement!

Back to less important matters...

So now the Conservatives have gotten back into power and have quickly began whipping us as we carry them round on their thrones - metaphorically speaking. If this was a film, or epic tale written in song, our government would be portrayed as some sneering, slimy creature (think Grima Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings but even slimier, as if he's just woken up in the Matrix! #topical) - but where is our bold hero (or heroine - tis the 21st century after all)? Where is the person who can lead us away from the corrupt Gringot's Goblins furiously masturbating over their piles of money and getting our disabled, elderly and poor to wipe it up afterwards! Jabba the Hutt would say 'woah, steady on there Dave!", in Huttese of course.

I hope I've painted a vivid picture of despair and misery in your minds, dear reader. But I also hope that you'll pay heed to my next idea, that I came up with a couple of days ago!

We - the British - are a pretty miserable bunch, as a nation. We may call Americans simple, fat and stupid, but at least they have national pride, as well as an optimism and sense of hope that we are desperately lacking! Every time an election of any sort rears it's ugly head we just shuffle into the cold metal booths and reluctantly scrawl a cross on whoever we think will fuck things up the least!
Our society is fed sad stories and warnings from a fear-mongering media who will do whatever it takes to sell their voices!
Our weather is shit 99% of the year, and awful the other 1%.
Our rich elite are corrupt Etonians who have never wanted for anything, yet through the media (owned by them or their school-chums) churn out biased drivel to turn our ire towards the most vulnerable in our communities - people such as immigrants, disabled and elderly; become the skapegoats for the problems lurking throughout our country.

However all is not lost! You might be afraid to leave your house, or let your children out of your sight because you read an article 'How to spot a paedophile, 5 easy steps', but all we need to do to fix our community is become the heroes and heroines our nation is short of!
It's quite an unusual thing these days to say Good Morning! to a stranger as you walk along the road - I mean okay they might be a murderer, but we've just been raised in a country that celebrates its introvert-ish nature and we should get our there and play in the sun with the other countries!
Stop letting the rich drive us apart with their weird, slightly un-human smiles, and instead pull together and we can make this into a country we're proud to live in - like what the strong nationalist parties say, except without the inherent racism!

Lots of problems - pay extra for the solutions.

I was manly enough to brave going in the sea this weekend, and someone shouted 'hairy-back!' at me and it was a bit off-putting. I never saw this comic genius as he was up on the street while I was down on the beach and looking the other way. But hopefully this modern-day Oscar Wilde ran away after delivering his comic gold and got hit by a bus.

Also there's been this picture of this blonde moron laying next to a dead giraffe she heroically managed to kill using only her bare hands...which were able to operate the rifle she used to shoot it, probably from a safe distance. Look at the picture to the left, look how big the foot of this animal was! I wonder what kind of high-powered rifle it was wielding.
In the same month as the extinction of the Black Rhino was officially announced - I think it's sad that some people feel it's a worthwhile venture to travel to Africa (or anywhere else where hunting takes place) and go out, shoot an animal that's done nothing to them, the pose next to it like some mawkish corpse-fetishist. It's sport, apparently!
I also saw a 'news item' where a veteran hunter had been killed by - I think - a water buffalo and this was a very sad thing that attracted a lot of sympathy and attention from other hunters. But there was a happy ending, as this hunter's 'apprentice' did manage to kill the buffalo afterwards, before it could pose for a photo! Now that's just not cricket! (Literally! It literally isn't)
This idiot anyway who killed the giraffe said she did it out of kindness and it was an old male giraffe that had been ousted from his group by a younger giraffe. She claims that she was doing it a kindness - but actually I think it's far more likely she was just doing it for the kick of murdering animals that she gets. She also said that the meat from the giraffe went on to feed a nearby village. Wouldn't it be great if instead of having to rely on these beautiful exotic animals for the food they need to simply get by, these poor African villagers could be supplied by food from the rich Western countries where a huge percentage of Earth's food is eaten? If only that were a possibility!

On another hunting note - fox hunting in Britain! The rich country folk say it's in their human rights to be able to dress up in funny clothing, get together in a gang on horseback, get a big group of hounds, all to spend the day chasing a fox or two around the countryside? Why did our beloved government of the time not turn around and say, of their claim, 'no, that it complete bullshit, it is not in your human right to have a fox-killing toff-fest just to satisfy your twisted desire to stamp on something lower down than you, now that you're not allowed to beat your servants anymore'. It's not like people who live in towns and cities fight for their right to drive a flock of cats after a pigeon that's shat on their car! I mean look at this picture! It only takes this many rich people, horses and dogs to catch a single fox!

I had a radical thought the other day, what if there was an entire country that saw it's purpose as making the lives of all it's citizens as high quality as possible, rather than what most governments around the world seem to do which is just try to make as much money as possible. The person I shared this with said 'You're just describing Nirvana!' I assume he didn't mean the band.

Up-tempo!

I was on my twitter (@JackSummers1990) yesterday, on-the-line, whilst watching The Two Towers extended edition and basically slating Frodo and his damned annoying ways the whole way through, and I did this so much that a twitter user called @LOTR followed me! I felt so popular. Apparently in the books, which are based on the films, Frodo isn't as weedy and pathetic as he is portrayed in the films. Also don't start on me, bruv, saying "Oh it's because he's being influenced by the Ring!" Because in the awesome battle sequence at the beginning of the Fellowship where they're all fighting Sauron, you dont see the dark lord tenderly stroking the ring the whole time whilst staring off into middle distance and being lairy to Samwise.
Ah, Samwise, there does come a point when you stop being a good friend and in the end you're just a mug. Humour me, dear reader, by watching the LOTR films and picturing all of you as Sam. Drink when you'd have stopped putting up with Frodo's shit.


Two possible spin-offs from LOTR became apparent to me whilst watching. Firstly, if Jeremy Kyle can have a low-rent show giving life advice to 'people', then why not Lord Elrond? All he does in The Two Towers is tell his daughter how it is! The other idea I had was when watching Treebeard boss his way about the forest, it reminded me of the scenes I watched in Steven Fry in America, the segment about Bigfoot. Now am I right or am I right in thinking that a documentary where Treebeard and the ents try to locate Bigfoot whilst hiding from the park rangers would be great viewing?

Recently my trustworthy headphones broke in one ear, which is always very annoying when it happens. Notice I say 'when', not if. That's because headphones are built to break, I am sure of it! One Christmas I got about four pairs of headphones and had got through all of them in a couple of months! And that's not because I'm not careful with them, I use them only for the purpose for which they were intended! JEEZ but anyway back to the anecdote, I was in town at the time so luckily I was able to just go to HMV and buy some new ones. Now I've never owned big over-the-ear headphones before and I am trying to try new things! Like only this morning I was in a coffee shop un-ironically! Anyway so I bought some over-ear headphones and was instantly mistaken for a music student! I was tempted to drop it like's it hot right there in the shop and play some phat rhymes, but for reasons we won't get into I didn't.
Anyway this tale has a sad ending (and a pretty sad beginning and middle too, if I'm honest!) I've found them not at all to my liking as it means that whenever I take them out I have to take a man-bag with me to keep them in when I reach my destination! I'm very much used to just wrapping them round my iPod and tucking them in my pocket, but now i might as well have gone back to the 70s and be rollerskating round town with a boombox on my shoulder! Seriously, guys and dolls of music studies, what makes you do this?! They take up so much more space than is necessary! If you're not taking this question rhetorically, then note that I only take answers in music-video form with a very emotional and deep message.

Which leads me right onto the sad news about One Direction. And the wackjobs that have applied for paid leave on compassion grounds (I cant remember what the technical term is and I'm too much in the flow to stop and research it). I mean I get that a bunch of pre-pubescent teenage girls will no-doubt be very upset that a really talented and original band have lost one of their star members, but on the other hand wasn't he engaged to that bitch Perrie who you're all going to murder with bleach and fire, or something?

Apparently my last posting was 'too wordy' for some of my stupider readers, so if you've made it all the way to the end, well done.

I'm late to my own cool party - so late that I am basically just here to tidy up.

Budgeting. There's a word I don't like. It means I might have to spend less money on prawns - which is a food-type that I do like! Plus I must stop buying so many shots of tequila whenever I go out drinking. Good thing I have a bottle of tequila in my cupboard for emergencies!
I told everyone that I would use my week off this week to go to the local popular-brand coffee emporium and write my novel. This was a lie, as I've said in the past that the sort of people who do that are probably just in there to use the free wifi because they're too poor to pay for it themselves BECAUSE they spend all their money on over-priced coffee! A cruel circle that clearly leads only to a lonely death by heart-explosion (from too much coffee). You know, unless you meet one of the many women who also frequent those kinds of places. Perhaps this is why I'm so alone? My not getting on the coffee bandwagon when they became cool fashion accessories! Maybe I need more accessories in my life?
My mum said the other day that I wasn't trendy because I was borrowing some CDs off her and didn't own them myself. I replied that the very fact that I didn't follow on with such trends made me trendy.

My image - something I think I've probably struggled with my whole life. I often look back and cringe at the guy I was at school, wasting my time pursuing girls who had no interest in me and trying to impress people who these days I would think are assholes. I think if I could go back as my past self's guardian angel then that would be rad. Basically tapping my past self on the shoulder every 10 minutes and saying 'Don't do what I know you're about to do'. So much face could have been saved, but I guess a lot of people wish that! I'd be like 'Dont bother going after that girl, she won't like you back and you end up just wasting a lot of time and feelings on what is really a one-way thing' and it just was like that on repeat for my entire school-life. At the time I didn't really understand why I was one of the only people in school who never ever got attention from girls, but now I look back and am not really surprised. I think I was a bit too desperate to please the people I saw as cool, instead of just accepting myself as myself and being happy with that! Sadly now although I've gotten over a lot of my insecurities I've put on a lot of weight so am naturally out of the running for getting a girlfriend anyway! Oh my life!
So I was setting up my tinder account and my friend was getting dozens and dozens of matches but I've had it over a year now and got about 10 or so, only one of which led to a date but no further as I 'seem like a really cool guy but there was no chemistry' - I don't see the problem, does she not want to be with a really cool guy? So all of my other matches are either 'bots, people who never reply, or we chat briefly then they just stop-    
I'm aware there is pre-agreed etiquette for these internet dating sites. My friend said 'you need to have a picture of you out and about, and one of you with a dog, girls will like that' and so on and so on! Spare me these rules! I may be late to the party but these days I play by my own rules! It may not be producing results but maybe I can just get a tattoo of a lone wolf and accept this is the lifestyle I've chosen!

Danny Dyer and the Antique Fire-Tortoiseshell of Doom!

So the plan was - hold on I'm already stopping myself. When I go back and occasionally read old posts (mainly to get the viewing figures up, also because I'm very lonely) I notice that basically all my paragraphs start with 'so', as if these, my innermost thoughts are a sudden change of topic post-awkward silence once the conversation has died...soooo.....let's put a stop to that.

Anyway, the plan was to tell a wild tale about Danny Dyer being a time-traveler trying to save the past from the actions of two antiques experts from Antiques Road Trip (what I watched once and enjoyed) from selling a magic fire-proof volcano tortoise shell at auction and getting so much money for it they became the richest people in the world and it destroyed the space-time continuum...but financially and then we entered a tripe-dip recession, which should definitely be a flavour of ice cream. I'd say Triple-dip recession please Mr Ice Cream Man.

Another idea I had was when I heard of the French dish Croque Monsieur...now if that's not the name of a reptilian detective then I don't know what is! He'd no doubt live out on the bayou and solve all sorts of capers.



Also today is International Women's Day and I'd like to talk about all the women who inspire me in day-to-day life. However I don't want it to seem like I wouldn't do that anyway and it's a bit weird that we do have a day to celebrate women at all? Why not do it all year round anyway? Is every other day celebrate being a man day? If so do I celebrate it enough? What if people think I'm taking my sex for granted? Believe me when you get as little as I do you cannot afford to take sex for granted! Wahey see what I did there? I think one of the root reasons for my respect for women is a fear of getting pregnant myself! I know it's unlikely to happen, but I would be very concerned for the effect it would have on me, plus giving birth itself would be stressful to say the least. I missed the end of the Arnold Swarzenegger (I am confident in my spelling)  where he got pregnant but I assume it ended with him just exploding as he lacked the proper biology to eject a live baby! Also if I got pregnant I might get stuck in a hospital and then have my legs up in those....leg-holding contraptions and then the Pred-Alien from Aliens vs Predators 2 might come in and lay eggs in me! That was a harrowing scene! Did you also know that Arnie starred in Predator 1, so it's not so crazy to think he could have come back in Aliens vs Predator 2, as one of the women in the pregnancy ward! That would have been a most welcome twist! Ooh or if he was Kindergarten cop and the villain at the end of that had been a predator in disguise!

I've arrived late to the game of discovering the joys of Louis Armstrong's Disney cover album, but now I can't go the whole day without strutting my stuff to the Bare Necessities in his melodious tones. Also if you have the time (and let's face it, you do) Youtube the song 'Scare Floor' from the film Monsters Inc. it's a right swinging tune that I would definitely play at a party to get the dance floor full! But no I'm definitely on a Louis Armstrong high at the moment, Hellzapopin' and Zat You Santa Claus are just too good. I Know the latter is a Christmas song but it's clearly one of my so-called 'guilty pleasures'. But then again if people say ooh I watch some garbage soap opera (i.e. basically any soap opera) it's my guilty pleasure, then they're clearly not feeling that guilty about it if they flaunt their so-called shame in public. If they said ooh smoking crack cocaine is my guilty pleasure, or pooing in the woods, then that would make more sense. Also when people say 'sorry, but...' ok stop right there, if you have to say 'but' then you're not really sorry, so you're lying to me AND am about to say something that might disagree with me on some key point.


Also I wish to pose an open question, if I start playing the free-to-play game Game of War, will Kate Upton become my girlfriend? As that is basically what I think the advert is implying. Ooh my city is being attacked, I just happen to be in the bath being attended to with my handmaidens. I'll just put on my shiney breastplate that leaves little to the imagination and gallop on my horse - it's a bumpy ride and in slow motion...PLAY GAME OF WAR. It's been playing on my mind a lot lately. #lonely



My hands have gotten so dish-wash-ey, I think they may be starting to grow scales. Where's a pumice stone when I need one? Also could you pumice so hard you rub all the way through to the other side of my hands?

I've started drinking more tequila lately, and I had a dream that someone stole into my alcohol cupboard, I woke in a tequila-soaked haze (in my bed).

On that note I will leave you, though I will always be in your heart.