The Literary Equivalent of urinating in the street, all the juices of the day.

Trying to buy a classic Roy Orbison track on iTunes, I click 'buy it' and and then it tells me the terms and conditions have changed. A day later after I've finished reading the thrilling novel that is the Terms and Conditions I decided that yes, i will still purchase this track for 99p.
Which got me to thinking, they could be hiding anything in those Terms and Conditions (I am slightly thinking of the South Park episode). I'm trying my hardest to think of the sort of things they could include but I dont even know where to begin!


The Terms and Conditions of the mighty iTunes Store!
1) You must denounce the evils of Samsung and use only the holiest of Apple products in all that you do.
2) All our songs are uploaded to the iTunes store by use of chimpanzee labour.
3) Under no circumstances will we ever upload the Muppets Treasure Island soundtrack to the iTunes store, no matter how amazing it is. Even if this means well-meaning customers have to awkwardly have their phone perched precariously on the shower-side if they want to sing along to some real quality from the multiple playlists on Youtube.

Why are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles referred to as heroes in a half-shell? They've got complete shells!

Which in turn leads me on to my regular Facebook rant about those bloody quizzes that keep popping up ALL THE TIME.
"Which kind of [insert literally anything here] are you?" Cloud? Pocket-watch? 18th Century French Philosopher?"
(This seems an appropriate time to weep for the future when school kids will be taught about the 21st century philosophers Kanye West and Justin Beiber)
Also do you think in thousands of years from now archaeologists will be digging about with their brushes (or robots holding brushes as they will have then) and uncover a Nokia phone, more or less intact and still with some battery life? Because technology seems to be getting more advanced - can't argue with that - but at the same time so darn fragile! I mean I accidentally stamped on my iPod once and the screen broke, but you could literally get a cross-breed of a steamroller and bigfoot (I know you see the problem with this, that steamrollers cant reproduce, but bear with me) and get it to wear high-heels and do a river dance on a Nokia and it wouldn't even bat an eyelid! Not that it could anyway, because back in the days it was made phones weren't built with an eyelid-batting app!
I'm not finished with these Facebook quizzes. On top of being a waste of time and just a way to paste advertisements onto your retinas, they're only offering utterly useless information! I don't give a shit who my celebrity boyfriend would be! For a start this is something I can work out perfectly happily on my own. I dont even know if I want a celebrity boyfriend at the moment because let's face it, the partner's of male celebrity's get so much time in the limelight they get a kind of sunburn (from the limeLIGHT) that instead of giving them skin cancer just gives them a kind of life-cancer and they end up resenting everyone and everything (or so I imagine, having given this a few seconds thought). I dont want to end my days snorting my dinner through a straw just to lose the pounds I need to so that I can happily dance on the tightrope of celebrité without falling off the side of being REALLY FAT and TOO THIN. If I stay on the metaphorical highwire long enough I can be a beacon of aspiration for all women everywhere (or at least they should want to be like me, said the media) and at the same time all the lads can look up my skirt.

BREAKING NEWS I'VE JUST SPOTTED A FREE U2 ALBUM IN MY ITUNES LIBARY THAT I DIDN'T REALISE I'D BEEN GIVEN, BUT HAD READ ALL ABOUT IT IN THE NEWS (ON FACEBOOK) Now don't get me wrong I enjoy their old stuff like Vertigo, Bad, With Or Without You, and the like! But I am assuming this album won't be amazing - I would listen to it right now and give a detailed summary but i got halfway through the first song and switched to some banging John Denver.

"Heroes" indeed!

Tim Curry Proclaims Scottish Tank Cage! Read all about it!

I've started this evening dabbling with a potent mix of vodka (standard) mixed with a heap of truth-telling and things what i think about. First things first I think you need to know about the experience you're missing out on. Everything you've ever done in your life could have been improved a great deal by having the soundtrack to Muppets Treasure Island playing in the background. Trust me on this, and if you're not already, find it on youtube (or ask a travelling band of minstrels (the musical kind, not the chocolate) to play you a few of the classic tunes like 'Professional Pirate', 'Sailing for Adventure' and 'Cabin Fever'. I was listening to it only yesterday whilst doing the washing up and I had a veritable skip in my heel, it was a massively good time.

I am saddened when I realise that on my recent trip to Scotland I didn't take any music by The Proclaimers with me, they got some mad tunez. There song 'King of the Road' always reminds me of that road safety advert with the Hedgehogs that was on in the 90s. 

Speaking of other decades, I was wearing my black trousers today, along with a white shirt, black tie and my nice black sweatervest, and someone goes to me 'Hey nice tank top, i had one of them....in the 80s!' then someone else started laughing. 

I was reasonably burnt, but I didn't do anything. Partly because I was big enough to stand above it, and partly because I couldn't think of anything clever to say (It was before 10 in the morning). 

Another thing that happened at work: one of my friends is getting married and she's having lots of bad luck in the run-up to it. Her fiancé has just broken his buttock (during some weird sex-act I beleive) and then the priest they had hired had a heart attack. I think she upset a gypsy and has been cursed.

Anyway I tried to cheer her up by engaging her in the Cage-Fight, where we just exchange pictures of Nicholas Cage until someone gives up (90 minutes later, she lost). If you're unfamiliar with Nicolas Cage, if you google him, it can be confusing what his natural form is. This is basically the closest a human artist can get.

LI: upon which I discuss the important topics of the day

To celebrate the 51st edition of Let Thy Words Be Furious I've decided to sell, to the highest bidder, a leather-bound copy of my book containing my best ill-chosen phrases from across the years, titled At least I know who my dad is! The proceeds will go straight to a charity that helps young men argue eloquently.
Also I've divided up this post into easy-to-digest segments.


I worked at Wilkinson, WHO ELSE DID?! 
So apparently I got fingered by an ex-colleague who claimed I worked at Wilkinson a few years ago. It's true! But apparently I have to go onto a special section of Facebook to agree to this accusation and then it gives me an option to say 'WHO ELSE WORKED THERE?!' I'm like I don't care! Leave me alone!
This story comes across as much less distressing than it actually was in reality.

Mountaineering
I did do my trip up to Wales and Scotland to climb their respective tallest mountains. I did Snowden in 2 hours 40 minutes after a rough night's 'sleep' in my car. Lasting on a diet of mainly Monster Energy drinks, travel sweets and petrol fumes, I failed to reach the top of Ben Nevis and tore two pairs of trousers over the week (they were too small after all). The driving was overall pretty enjoyable though, especially with the addition of The Greatest Country Album in the World which has well and truly converted me to Country Music.

Tax Rebate
Mr Taxman has seen fit to bequeath me a Tax Rebate of £724, which I was pleased with. That's all I have to say about that.

'You're a safe 7'
Is apparently not a compliment! I dare say the furious looks I got afterwards put her down to a 6!

Dead Space
So I've finally caught up to 2008 and started playing Dead Space. It's dead scary. It involved wandering around a deserted space station trying to escape somehow, whilst fighting off these creepy, gangling, scythe-limbed monsters! Needless to say it was a good thing I was wearing my brown underwear!

Un-friending People
What's more awkward than unfriending someone on Facebook who you haven't spoken to in years and then them messaging u within the hour asking why you unfriended them? Well how about when you click on 'unfriend' and it doesn't load straight away so you click again and it suddenly sends them a friend request! Come to think of it both these situations are pretty awkward, so if you want to send in your answer, the best response will win a signed copy of my pamphlet Friendzoned in 30 Seconds.

From one relationship to another
I don't have all that much to say, I'd just like to highlight the people who seem to be in a long-term relationship then they break up and find someone new within a couple of weeks...repeatedly. You know the sort of people! Maybe I just find it baffling!

Facebook videos starting automatically
As I scroll through my (very exciting) newsfeed, I see more and more average-to-boring videos that just think I want to watch them so much I cant even wait to click on the Play button so just start automatically! Rarely do I see any video that I care to watch, and I don't care how wet you get when you have water poured over you. Does that make me a bad person? ('No' is the correct answer).

Apparently it's OK to tell me to my face I'm not sexually attractive!
Yes this happened. It was very unpleasant and I didn't see it coming. Needless to say I was hugely upset. The girl in question asked if I was OK, I said that I was just crying because of all the bad things that were happening to women, children and animals throughout the world. I think she bought it.

Justin Bieber 
What a cock-end. Have you seen the hats he wears? He could literally be wearing a huge phallus-shaped helmet on his smug knob face and look like less of a prick. I don't get the fact that people wear baseball caps as fashion items in the first place, especially backwards/indoors, you look like a moron. But to wear one that seems about a foot taller than it needs to be makes you incredibly murder-able. Plus he's an odious cunt in general.

Looks more like 99% off to me! Wahey!

Some hilarious, family friendly jokes, followed by detailed recounts of my recent sex dreams.

So I said something Lol-worthy the other day. I was playing scrabble (on my phone. It's the 21st century, man!) and my opponent used a word 'Godet'. Now call me an ignorant gorrysporrencobbler but I didn't know what that meant! Neither did she, and she admitted this, her tone heavy with the shame.

I countered with the word 'Moa' and I was like at least I know what that is!

It's what I mo my lawn with!

For those of you that are interested, and as this blog is here to educate as well as to "entertain", I show you the following:

"A godet (/ɡoʊˈdeɪ/ or /ɡoʊˈdɛt/) is an extra piece of fabric in the shape of a circular sector which is set into a garment, usually a dress or skirt. The addition of a godet causes the article of clothing in question to flare, thus adding width and volume. Adding a godet to a piece of clothing also gives the wearer a wider range of motion."

– Wikipedia

Another thing happened yesterday. I was out on a walk with a different friend (That means I have at least two. Count 'em) and she used the phrase ‘but alas’. I think she was talking about me doing something more with my life, but my mind was elsewhere! (She’s proud not to read this blog so I can say what I like about her).

All I heard was ‘Butterlass’ and in my mind a new superheroin was born.

On a vaguely connected note, one of my female friends reports to waking up smelling of butter. So it might be her. Or she might be a perverse sexual deviant. Knob of Butter. I’ll say no more.

So yeah the main themes behind Butterlass would just be being an obese woman who fights crime. She also makes a stand for overweight people (who are too fat to stand up for themselves). She never plays the damsel in distress either, as she is too heavy to kidnap.

Lastly I’d like to share all about a couple of sex dreams I’ve had recently. Neither of them involved a Moa, sadly, but one does involve a girl with a pig’s nose. I’d like to point out now that I’ve never seen the movie ‘Penelope’ and also that there was no actual rumpy-pumpy with pig-woman, though of course I’m not prejudiced against her. I was pretty much of the opinion, well we’re both single, why not?

Then her drunken sister burst in, and demanded we call her ‘Shandy Andi’ which got me thinking. If Andi is a shortened name for a girl, what is it short for?

That’s the end of that dream.

A moa.

"Shorter than Expected"

Look Ella Henderson I'm a massive fan of Ghost and everything but why do you have to look Ellie-Goulding-esque AND be next to her in my iTunes library? Literally too confusing for words (aside from these words). Which makes me think, anyway who has ever said "I'm too *whatever* for words!" is a LIAR!!

I've noticed that Google, that most beloved of search engines, often has a theme on special days for the word "Google" when you open the main page. However - and here's the problem as I see it - take note - they often do the weirdest reasons for celebration. For instance the other day it was, Google told me, Emmeline Pankhurst's 156th birthday (might have the year wrong, bear with me thats not important!) Now I have nothing against Emmeline Pankhurst she was a powerful woman and did many great things! But what I do find odd is that Google can find nothing more interesting to put as their theme! I reiterate that Emmeline Pankhurst is alright by me, but it's not like 156 years old is a special milestone (especially considering she's dead! If she was still alive I'd agree that's amazing!)

Ok so I was doing the usual unfriending people that I don't have any contact or interest in the other day on Facebook. How awkward is it when you unfriend someone and because of the urgency you accidentally double-click and it sends them a friend request? I say!



I have huge love for Ray Charles, I couldn't be happier than when I watch (and re-watch) Hit The Road Jack on youtube. It's quality! He's also amazing in The Blues Brothers!

My upcoming journey to be the highest man in the UK!

Apparently saying someone 'looks well' as in 'Hello, you're looking well!' isnt a compliment it's actually basically telling the woman in question she looks fat. Instead of being offended, ladies, perhaps you should pass out a pamphlet saying what phrases actually mean, as clearly I'm on the wrong page! Would this pamphlet even have that many pages?! Clearly it has a few otherwise I wouldn't be so lost!

Mountain Trek:
"Captain's Log....a Sycamore has fallen across the bridleway, we had best shift it before the next group of tourists comes across it!"
Or the great scene where Scottie meets Bones on the bridge...across the stream.

I could think of more excellent jokes detailing a Mountain-themed Star Trek but i dont wanna.

back to women, apparently 50% of women dont like being complimented anyway! And you should never say that a women 'looks better than you were expecting' or 'isn't as stupid as she looks'. It's like they took rocket science and brain surgery and mixed them together and made them into a way to talk to people! I dont want to get killed by a really really 'well' woman when she crushes me beneath her well-to-do-ness!

Back to mountain-themed-ness. I have a week off work coming up, and am planning to journey to Wales to climb, and make unto mine bitch, Mount Snowden. Manly stuff? But that's not all! I'll then be journeying far north to Ben Nevis and conquering that too! I will be raising money for charity but am yet to decide which one(s). I have decided though that if I can raise £100 I will do Ben Nevis (behave) in a kilt!
Part of this journey of self-discovery and misadventure came about because of this accursed heatwave (nah it's ok really, just a bit hot innit?) anyway so us lads at work have been told in no uncertain terms we're not allowed to wear shorts, as they will distract our female colleagues. I have been told I'm allowed to wear a skirt or kilt though. So I plan to head to the land where I'm sure I'll be able to find a kilt to purchase! Then the rest of the adventure pretty much built up around that!

Due to a recent call for more "Naked women, fast cars, pandas and feathers", here is what I have to offer. It not only encapsulates everything on the shopping list, but has also been made to be totally family-friendly.

News Update: Friendzone spotted wining and dining with three lovely ladies

I had to ask which member of Sex and the City I was...I mean that's what I bet the superhero Friendzone was thinking...whoever he is. Apparently I'm Sam (who apparently is the filthy one).

For the first time since I got my phone I actually came close to exceeding the 2GBs of internet I'm allotted from the national supply of internet available. It is troubling as how am I going to...actually I should be fine.

I have less money in my account than I thought I did. This is not news.

Just now I was on my Facebook account and I noticed that according to Facebook I only like the music of Jamie Knox. Whilst I do enjoy it lots (I went to a well-wicked gig of his recently and partied hard) I've got a lot of music-love to share about. So Facebook offers up artists and you're basically like yes/no. Like Tinder.

Do I like Tinder? Well it was fun for a while (was it?) but I've gone off it now. I've gone back to being avoided by women in person. (tiny violin) (Possibly a Viola)

Anyway so there were loads of artists popping up and I was struck by how many artists there are that I am not at all interested in! I'm trying to shy away from saying 'they is well shit!' because they can (debatably) make better music than me. Then again that reminds me of my time as the front-man for the hit band The Rhythm Rascals and the wild gig we performed at my secondary school talent show, before it was rocked by terrible allegations that I was miming. Alas, we didn't win any prizes even though we threw sweets into the crowd and dressed much smarter than any other act.

You know the expression where someone's so stressed they pull their hair out? (I know I barely, lazily described the saying). Yes of course you know what I'm chattin'bout. I just want to say here and now that my stress release is reaching over my shoulder and ripping a chunk of my shoulder-furr out. Anyway that's not the issue. The issue is I don't want to have on weird bald shoulder! (That would be weird). On a related note I was a bit drunk whilst getting ready for a classy night out, and I noticed the hair around my gentleman's area was growing out in all directions and thought it would be a good idea to grab a chunk (possibly to sell on the Let Thy Words Be Furious website) and just yank it really hard. Needless to say it was painful but effective. If the effect was to have an unsightly missing chunk of pubic hair (Which I cant lie, that's what I was going for). I liken the experience to the scene in the Da Vinci Code where he flagellates himself ;) (That's what I always call it anyway, wahey)

I was out clubbing the other night. Either I've gotten older (or dare I say it, too old for this shit?) or young people have just gotten more annoying. Also I spent 40 minutes queuing to get into the club my friends were in, sandwiched between a REALLY annoying drunk person and some other people and they were all endlessly moaning about the queue and stuff and I was like I'm not minding this queue and that makes me think I am getting old. Perhaps it reminded me of happier times in a long queue at the post office that I enjoyed one Summer afternoon in 2011.

I thought to myself the other day while someone was saying something stupid to me, I thought I'm taking the piss out of you in my head and laughing at you in my head...and you don't even realise. bwahahaa


I'm going to leave it there.