The joys of not having any ideas for life

Basically what's happened is I've been laying in bed for about an hour (it's now the twilight hour of 11pm, which has become very late for me). I have a splitting headache for some reason, probably the six hours of television I watched this afternoon/evening have something to do with it - I'm not a doctor I just don't know!

Also a good friend of mine - 'good friend' is above work-friend but below besty - has gotten engaged today and I couldn't be happier for her! Obviously I'm a bit heartbroken as it means I'm the last girl in our lunchtime gang not to be engaged, but mainly it's gotten me to thinking where is my life going? Lately I've been rather excited about the prospect of moving out into a flat of my own but even more recently it's hit me that once I move out and settle down I'll have actually settled down.
I've never been interested in any particular career for myself. When I was younger I wanted to be a policeman and a teacher (not at the same time). Now my friend is a policeman and my sister is a teacher, and good for them but we're talking about me here.
I've already gone on in previous posts how I don't think one's professional should, or even does, define one. Recently I've thought I like to make things. That is really as specific as it gets. Whatever it is I'd like to make it. Simply creating something leaves me suitably pleased that I have done something. I didn't do well in education and although I've flirted with the idea of still going back and doing university I'm not convinced it's the right course for me.
If I move out and settle down now, as I am, I will end up a porper, never with enough disposable income to move onwards and upwards, simply to remain and stagnate on the current rung of the social/financial ladder.

As all my loyal readers will know I did try travelling a couple of years ago and it went pretty poorly. I behaved like a tourist and gave up as soon as the going got even slightly tough. I faced ridicule on my return. But anyway - I think I could give it another try. Although a fairly impulsive person, I'm also just as impulsive about giving up, so it's a bit swings and roundabouts (which is a massive shrug of a saying if ever there was one).
I have come to the conclusion that throughout life I've rarely been truly tested. I have fantastic parents and a great family. I have a solid group of friends. I live in a nice house. I have nothing to fear in my life, and very few worries. It takes the piss to say all these things have put me at a disadvantage, especially when you're aware of the hardships of one sort or another that lots of people go through on a daily basis that I can't even begin to imagine. But it has made me lazy and take everything for granted.
I need more of a plan in life than waiting for the next episode of Dragonball Z Abridged to come out (not to say that it's not great entertainment) and working me way through an infinite number of DVD box sets whilst I paint my wargaming miniatures, and fighting through thousands of zombies on my Xbox.
So basically the plan was to move out and find ways to make more money doing whatever it took (not like a male prostitute). I could solve mysteries, build furniture, paint pictures and perform covert surveillance. So basically my career would be to do whatever I want, in a time-frame that suits me, for huge sums of money! Are you thinking right now you wish you'd thought of this lifestyle? Well too late, I'm cornering the market on it.
Who wishes to hire me?

Beard-Cat-Drinking-Bill Marilyn-Beth Hart-Dungeons and Dragons-Bad Teacher-Peter Serafinowizc-Facebook-Blog-Workfriends-Joe Bonamassa

Recently I was press-ganged into shaving a colleague's 12-year-old beard for charity, and I did an excellent, speedy and professional job. However now my own beard is starting to grow in bushiness and I wonder if perhaps I have subconsciously taken on some sort of beard-growing burden?

Oh hello, I'm the cat, I'm here to look pleased with myself and claw you in the leg.

Drinking alcopops alone most nights this week? Perhaps I have been. I'd like to also point out that I don't like beer or wine, and have run out of vodka, so what's a guy to do?

Now let me tell you about what started as my friend trying out his improv-comedy stand up show on the street but now has evolved into worldwide appreciation of a guy we like to know simply as 'Bill Marilyn' - the next big thing. His LP is amazing, it's called Pubey Kebab and he wrote it whilst living rough in Turkey 'finding himself'. The B-side to this single is called Bean Club and it's not some sort of Heinz super-weapon, it references a few of my friends who have semi-regular coffee mornings, where they discuss their regular semi's. I imagine. I've been invited but some of us don't have rich husbands who work in the day while we fanny about shopping and drinking a frappucino.

I'm listening to a song called Chocolate Jesus and i dont know what it's actually about :( But I do know Beth Hart got some mad vocal skills.

I went out Christmas shopping yesterday and spent about £100 on myself. I was in Dave's comics in Brighton and fancied myself a Dungeons and Dragons starter set (enquire below if you wish to join my quest) and said to my friend "I can get this as a reward if I find something for my brother in here!" and a nearby nerd was like toplel!
I don't really use the word 'nerd' as an insult. I am quite the nerd myself, although I dont hate the prequel star wars trilogy so i have some work to do. Also I never got into Star Trek (though I do enjoy the John Luc Picard remix on youtube).

Bought 'Bad Teacher' yesterday on Dvd. I used to own it but lost it. Or should i say I leant it to someone and they lost it - but the blame lies with me for putting some trust in another human being with my property. Anyway it's a quality film I would totally recommend it. Cammy D does a class performance and my fave bit it right at the end when she's talking with her friend Lynn in the last scene of the film and saying how she met some guy, (and we all know it's Jason Segal the school gym teacher) and Lynn is like 'oh knowing you he's a real gentleman' and Cameron Diaz turns to catch Jason's eye and he does a blatant vagina-licking mime in the school corridor. It's great lolz for all the family.

Also binge-watched the entire Peter Serafinowicz Show this afternoon, only about 6 episodes sadly and wasn't carried on for a 2nd season - massive shame as it's absolutely hysterical. His Terry Wogan sketches in the Christmas special are excellent, as are all the Brian Butterfield bits.

It's always a sad look at your own life when you say hi to someone on private message on Facebook cos you're like 'oh not spoken to them in a while!' and you say hi or whatever and it comes up with ur chat history and it's just a string oh 'hello's stretching back over about a year with no replies. Yes, some people are bastards! I mean all I want to do is be sociable but apparently I'm not even worth saying hello to! There're a few people this applies to, but one in particular I used to work with and it's so annoying when you see this person fairly often and you know they're a really nice, friendly person but then you want to arrange to meet up and catch up etc, nothing implied or anything more than a chat and a drink or whatever and it's like it's the hardest thing in the fucking world to pin them down to do anything on any date and then when the day comes along they just fuck up and say 'oh i forgot i am doing something already' and in brackets (because I'm a disorganised fuckwit or just wanted to string you along cos saying no to you a few days ago was waaaaay too much effort) i dont know which excuse would make me crosser.

I sometimes get asked if there's any sort of timetable/routine to these blogs. After I've finished spluttering with surprise I say no, no there isn't. Lately my posts have had a flagging viewing rates (as I've said all year) apart from the ones where I bare my heart and soul onto the screen like some sort of vomitting diarrhea attack.

Speaking of last year, at the work Christmas party I was cruelly cheated out of 1st place in the musical chairs. It'd been eating me up inside all year, so when this year's came along, I took no prisoners and was the proud winner of a £1 Christmas album. I was fighting back the tears - though not as well as I was fighting my colleagues away from the last chair!
Speaking of the term 'work-friend' i was chatting with my friend (well strictly speaking she is my work-friend) and I was saying -warning it gets pretty philosophical here - that you spend more time in a average week with your friends at work than you do with your regular friends so what's the whole down-playing of the term about? I love the people I work with and look forward to seeing nearly all of them every day.

Here's a nice picture of Beth Hart and Joe Bonamassa for you all to enjoy, check out their music, like, now!

This post is about taking a shit...and not taking the shit. Also I have a hairy back.

Is it silly to be put off a music radio station because the DJs are a bit too 'into' the music they play? Not everything is great and they should stop acting like it is.
Then there's the phase I went through of taking pictures of my body hair and sending them to my friends, asking them to guess where the hair was from.
And let's not forget my
Then my friend said she was having trouble finding enough presents to get her boyfriend for Christmas. I was like #relationshipproblems #bitchplease. Somehow I came out badly, according to her refracted view of things!
And another friend is so crap at replying to texts I had to tell him someone had stolen his sperm and impregnated herself and was raising the child with a robotic substitute father!
I was also called a 'god amongst men' recently, i believe sincerely too!
I got trodden on on a dance floor by a lady wearing heels apparently made of knives.
I've gone the past couple of years shunning achievement, under the impression that since a zombie apocalypse is inevitable, why bother doing these things?
And so on...

During my 'crazy experimental months' this year where I decided to start drinking scotch, I had a double one evening at the pub and it took me so long to drink it that I had to get the ice replaced.
On my way out to a wedding, pre-drinking was demanded so I necked the remains of a bottle of scotch i had in the cupboard, then did the 5-10 minutes walk to the train station. and it hit me on the platform. Not the train, obviously, the alcohol.

Anyone who takes a 'pre-funeral' selfie should do the honorable thing and be buried/burned with the deceased. Frankly you have no worth and should look in a mirror (like u dont do that enough anyway u vane dick(!) and hate what you see. You make the person who's funeral it is the luckiest person in the room as they no longer have to put up with your scumbaggery.
Moving on...

My back hair is encroaching more and more over my shoulders, but as long as it's symetrical it's basically OK right?

I've come to some realisations about sitting on the toilet that I want you all to know about. So listen up!
Firstly I was sitting there for a little while and I was like, this is actually quite comfortable, wish I had my book.
Somestimes also you might be in a hurry, for whatever reason maybe you've left the oven on, or you were playing multiplaya and can't pause it (a nightmare). My personal advice is sit back, relax, and takle your time. You'll find the stress of the day just evaporates and you run less risk of busting a sphincter. Also when I am seated, I often have no top on (not for any dodgey reasons, I might be in pyjamas, and I dont have those fancy pyjama tops I just stomp about the house in boxer shorts, much to the chagrin/admiration of the neighbours. Anyway so imagine the dilemma. You're on the loo, and you've just heard some great advice to sit back and relax, but u lean back and AHHHH it's freezing porcelain for goodness sake! (if you dont have a porcelain toilet, like yours is made of wood or something, then dont worry about these 3rd world problems).
Also as previously mentioned, even when I am topless I do have such huge back-hair, (used to be a problem, but I've just started referring to it as my mane, now) anyway it kinda resembles the cloaks worn by the Starks of Winterfell in the first few GoT seasons (massive spoiler) anyway so that offers me a bit of protection but not everyone can rely on this. I've kind of lost track but just, for fuck sake, be careful.
Also one day I got home work and slipped and almost fell into the toilet cos someone had left the seat up. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes.
Also yes I have tried using the toilet backwards (and i dont mean drinking from the toilet) I mean sitting backwards. It's a bit weird and definately worth trying once, but it's not for me.

Look, I was talking about some old friends of mine

I had a best friend at college, but since college she's become like impossible to pin down, and I do miss her cos we've met up once or twice, and we bumped into one another in a karaoke bar once, and it was great.

I also have many friends who are just plain shit at replying to texts! I mean I'm not patting myself on the back or anything (although I do enjoy running my hands through my soft, downey mane), but I am good at replying to correspondence! If soemone's like 'wanna hang out' I'd be like 'yes!' or maybe 'no!' but I wouldn't just ignore the text. and as to those people who text back like the next day and saying they haven't had time to reply, you're not lying to me, you're lying to yourself! Let's face it, unless you work underwater or in a job where you rub urself up against giant magnets, you probably have your phone on you for most of the day. I ain't no mug, i don't hold tea/coffee and i certainly dont hold with ur shit!
Do i come across as a demanding friend? Maybe. I also dont readily tolerate lateness.

So in conclusion if you wanna be my friend you have to essentially be 'on call' 24/7 in case I need something.
(I admit that's not as catchy as the Spice Girls line : If you wanna be my lover etc etc...hold you 'you gotta get with my friends?') Has anyway ever analysed that line? Why would you exclusively want boyfriends who were your friends' sloppy seconds Also I dont know what u ladies talk about most of the time but are possible STIs on the agenda? Would you risk being with a girl who you know had been with ur friend who maybe had the clap?

I love Christmas and Christmas songs, but 'This Christmas' has been eternally ruined by being overplayed at a previous place of work I had, and also by being a heap of shitty fuck. Smeared with cum.

Louis Armstrong, Films, Women and Llamas. Listing my sexual preferences.

A proper Louis Armstrong Awakening.
So what if I'm 50 years late to the party! I love Louis Armstrong even more than I did before! Now I've discovered tunes like Hellzapoppin, Cabaret and Zat You, Santa Claus? my life feels much more complete, musically. I enjoy his deep husky voice, it sounds a bit like if you made a bear out of bricks and then taught it to sing, that's how it would sing.
Also watched Guardians of the Galaxy for the first time recently, my goodness what a soundtrack! Always a treat when a modern film has a banging soundtrack from the 70s so people like me, born in 1990, can connect to it.
Speaking of films, just finished watched Dallas Buyers Club. If you went to a shop and bought a jar labelled 'excellence' and then i dunked a finger in it and smeared it inside my DVD player (not a euphemism) then Dallas Buyer's Club would definitely pop up on screen! It's not an action film, or a comedy like most of my favorite films, but it's in that third type of films I enjoy like Invictus, Forrest Gump or Pokemon The First Movie, that you know are just solid. About the real shit. Know w'ham sayin'?
I was watching Guardians of the Galaxy and I was saying to my good lady friend that I think one of the main reasons it appeals to me is that the main character is just a normal young boy (exactly, like me!, I hear you thinking) and basically it starts with him being abducted and then it skips forward 26 years and shows how he's a bloody space outlaw! So basically within 5 minutes it's got into your head that anything IS possible! Who would not love that?
"You wouldn't say that if she was a bloke" is something I had to say the other day to a male friend of mine, in my tiresome quest to be seen as the biggest white knight in the realm. But let me explain. I don't remember the exact details but let me try to explain this crazy idea and at least my friend did say 'fair enough!' and i believe I changed his mind about the whole thing forever. So mission accomplished. But anyway as I was saying, call me a social revolutionary, but I think the whole stigma towards women who have a lot of sexual partners in a short space of time, coupled with the hero-status that a man with a similar record could expect, is a bit old-fashioned these days. Time for us all to move on and think of a better, more respectable way to think. Try it, if you don't already!

Long-term effects of being a twat.
Today someone I knew told me they thought they were fat. They're not, they're gorgeous but anyway it got me to thinking. Hold one, let me say first that's not to say the larger ladies cannot be gorgeous as well! 'Oh good, thanks!' I hear them all saying 'as long as you believe we're still beautiful'
Anyway so like I was trying to say before I was interrupted I know another lady who's one of the most incredibly stunning/sexiest women I've ever met, but because she was told by a guy who she was seeing (see complete cunt-face) told her she was worthless etc, she believed it and it made her hate herself despite the clear evidence that it was all untrue. So what I'm basically saying is be thoughtful about what you say, as well as what you do, since what can take a second to say can take a lifetime to stop echoing through that person's head.
If this has happened to you, bear in mind that the person saying it was probably a morally bankrupt moron who'll be dead one day....or a less severe way of saying this is that their opinions are worthless and what really matters is how you feel, not how you look. I mean that only applies if they were being horrible about your looks. I'll try again
Just don't listen to him, he was probably a knob with an ego complex who knew he wasn't good enough for you! :)

On a more serious note I was recently introduced to the concept of 'shaved llamas'. If you have young children I would turn them away from the screen if you're looking at this on a screen. If you're reading it in a rich leatherbound volume then your children are probably busy smoking cigars in fezz's and smoking jackets so you're a terrible parent and you wont listen. If you've gone for the third option and are listening to this on audio casette, you should really get with the times and probably invest in a CD walkman.
Anyway shaved llamas are actually a non-sexual phenomenom (at least to me - your preferences are your own business). Here's a nice picture of one.

Lovely isn't it!
Not like a shaved bear, they're the thing of nightmares!




Anyway so the llama is the one on the left. The bear is on the right. So they only shaved them to get the wool, not for comedic purposes but it's like two birds with one stone. And I dont know why someone shaved a bear, I can only assume they're dead in a bear-related attack.

Hope you're enjoyed this.