Then there's the phase I went through of taking pictures of my body hair and sending them to my friends, asking them to guess where the hair was from.
And let's not forget my
Then my friend said she was having trouble finding enough presents to get her boyfriend for Christmas. I was like #relationshipproblems #bitchplease. Somehow I came out badly, according to her refracted view of things!
And another friend is so crap at replying to texts I had to tell him someone had stolen his sperm and impregnated herself and was raising the child with a robotic substitute father!
I was also called a 'god amongst men' recently, i believe sincerely too!
I got trodden on on a dance floor by a lady wearing heels apparently made of knives.
I've gone the past couple of years shunning achievement, under the impression that since a zombie apocalypse is inevitable, why bother doing these things?
And so on...
During my 'crazy experimental months' this year where I decided to start drinking scotch, I had a double one evening at the pub and it took me so long to drink it that I had to get the ice replaced.
On my way out to a wedding, pre-drinking was demanded so I necked the remains of a bottle of scotch i had in the cupboard, then did the 5-10 minutes walk to the train station. and it hit me on the platform. Not the train, obviously, the alcohol.
Anyone who takes a 'pre-funeral' selfie should do the honorable thing and be buried/burned with the deceased. Frankly you have no worth and should look in a mirror (like u dont do that enough anyway u vane dick(!) and hate what you see. You make the person who's funeral it is the luckiest person in the room as they no longer have to put up with your scumbaggery.
Moving on...
My back hair is encroaching more and more over my shoulders, but as long as it's symetrical it's basically OK right?
I've come to some realisations about sitting on the toilet that I want you all to know about. So listen up!
Firstly I was sitting there for a little while and I was like, this is actually quite comfortable, wish I had my book.
Somestimes also you might be in a hurry, for whatever reason maybe you've left the oven on, or you were playing multiplaya and can't pause it (a nightmare). My personal advice is sit back, relax, and takle your time. You'll find the stress of the day just evaporates and you run less risk of busting a sphincter. Also when I am seated, I often have no top on (not for any dodgey reasons, I might be in pyjamas, and I dont have those fancy pyjama tops I just stomp about the house in boxer shorts, much to the chagrin/admiration of the neighbours. Anyway so imagine the dilemma. You're on the loo, and you've just heard some great advice to sit back and relax, but u lean back and AHHHH it's freezing porcelain for goodness sake! (if you dont have a porcelain toilet, like yours is made of wood or something, then dont worry about these 3rd world problems).
Also as previously mentioned, even when I am topless I do have such huge back-hair, (used to be a problem, but I've just started referring to it as my mane, now) anyway it kinda resembles the cloaks worn by the Starks of Winterfell in the first few GoT seasons (massive spoiler) anyway so that offers me a bit of protection but not everyone can rely on this. I've kind of lost track but just, for fuck sake, be careful.
Also one day I got home work and slipped and almost fell into the toilet cos someone had left the seat up. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes.
Also yes I have tried using the toilet backwards (and i dont mean drinking from the toilet) I mean sitting backwards. It's a bit weird and definately worth trying once, but it's not for me.
Look, I was talking about some old friends of mine
I had a best friend at college, but since college she's become like impossible to pin down, and I do miss her cos we've met up once or twice, and we bumped into one another in a karaoke bar once, and it was great.
I also have many friends who are just plain shit at replying to texts! I mean I'm not patting myself on the back or anything (although I do enjoy running my hands through my soft, downey mane), but I am good at replying to correspondence! If soemone's like 'wanna hang out' I'd be like 'yes!' or maybe 'no!' but I wouldn't just ignore the text. and as to those people who text back like the next day and saying they haven't had time to reply, you're not lying to me, you're lying to yourself! Let's face it, unless you work underwater or in a job where you rub urself up against giant magnets, you probably have your phone on you for most of the day. I ain't no mug, i don't hold tea/coffee and i certainly dont hold with ur shit!
Do i come across as a demanding friend? Maybe. I also dont readily tolerate lateness.
So in conclusion if you wanna be my friend you have to essentially be 'on call' 24/7 in case I need something.
(I admit that's not as catchy as the Spice Girls line : If you wanna be my lover etc etc...hold you 'you gotta get with my friends?') Has anyway ever analysed that line? Why would you exclusively want boyfriends who were your friends' sloppy seconds Also I dont know what u ladies talk about most of the time but are possible STIs on the agenda? Would you risk being with a girl who you know had been with ur friend who maybe had the clap?
I love Christmas and Christmas songs, but 'This Christmas' has been eternally ruined by being overplayed at a previous place of work I had, and also by being a heap of shitty fuck. Smeared with cum.
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