The First Steps of an Epic Zombie Adventure, With added food for thought.

The opening to a zombie story I've been inspired to write by The Walking Dead, Zombieland, and Shaun of the Dead. Hope you like it.


I woke up in my bed like any average morning, but that was as far as the normality went. The sun wasn't shining through the curtains and I glanced at the alarm clock on my bedside table. It stared back, telling me it was only 04:30.
I groaned and kicked the duvet off me, rolling out of bed and looking out at the street, In the distance a car alarm began blaring, breaking the morning quiet. A shape caught my eye. At the end of the garden, where my drive met the street, lay a crumpled bundle of rags. The nearest streetlight flickered on and off intermittently and I couldn't make out what I was looking at.
Without warning, a shadowy shape rushed out of the shadows by the bins and made a beeline for the heap of whatever-it-was. A fox! I didn't relish the idea of going outside to investigate, but it sat better with me than leaving it the fester until morning. I didn't think I'd be getting back to sleep anyhow.
It wasn't warm outside in the garden, so I threw on some jeans and a tshirt before unlocking the front door. As soon as I took my first step outside the smell hit me. My first thought was that someone had left a load of spoiled meat lying on the pavement. The fox was sniffing around the corpse.
It was a corpse.
I was only a couple of metres away and suddenly it was obvious it was a dead body. My mind just emptied at that moment. What the hell was a body doing here? A hundred other questions filled my head as quickly as my thoughts had fled. I wasn't tired anymore.
I turned on my heel and fled back into the house, getting to a phone my only thought. My mobile was on my bedside table next to my alarm clock. As I dashed upstairs, taking them two-at-a-time, as second car alarm began calling out, adding it's voice to the first. On the edge of hearing, I also thought I heard the sound of breaking glass from down the street.
I snatched the phone up and dialed 999 with shaking hands. As I held the handset to my ear, I walked back over to the window and peered out into the dark. The street was empty.
I strained my eyes trying to see into the gloom, but there was no sign of the corpse or the fox. The beast couldn't have dragged it off - did I imagine the whole episode? The dodgey flickering streetlight illuminated the scene for a split-second.
Something moved out of sight below my window, towards the front door. In my panic I'd left it wide open.  At that same moment the phone line in my hand went to a recorded message.
I heard a crash from downstairs.


END

Obviously not the end, but just for now. I do plan on carrying on with this one, as I do with all the character's I've written about, right back to the adventures of Big Daddy and Pissingham. Hope you enjoyed it!


In other unrelated news...


I'm going to try and remain positive for this post, and steer clear of subjects like Robin Thicke, Simon Cowell, and Syria.

Firstly I want to talk about Jameela Jamil (Jam-Jam). This week Radio One had a 'Reboot' event all Monday afternoon, where each DJ got one hour of broadcasting chosen randomly. It made an interesting change to the usual schedule and also offered me my first real experience of Jamil. I'd seen her featured in several girly gossip magazines....by 'seen' of course I mean told about by friends - so I knew already she was very glamorous and beautiful. Normally I only listen to Radio one from 9-5 at work on weekdays so I've never heard her Sunday evening programme, but I really warmed to her broadcasting personality in the hour she was on during the Reboot. Many excellant beats were played too! She just seemed very genuine, not taking herself too seriously, and I fancy she'd be great fun to know!

Also up on my list of appreciation (might make that a regular occurence) is US actor Lloyd Bridges. I recently had an Airplane! and Hot Shots! marathon so got a generous helping of Bridges in these classic comedies. In Airplane! he plays Steve Mckrosky, the airport official who picks the wrong week to quit all sorts of substances. He's brill! But even better I liked his role as Thomas Benson, a bumbling Navy Admiral who is just my favorite character ever! I'd seriously recommend these films to anyone with even a half-functional funnybone!

Lastly, and mainly because I was listening to it whilst writing this, I'd recommend giving the song "Sweet Hell" by Gin Wigmore a good listen to. I first heard of her when she was supporting Train at a concert I was at. She was excellant there, and her album, that came out this year, is a brilliant piece of work! "Sweet Hell" is my favorite track from it.


Hope you've enjoyed reading this. On the one hand I'm sorry it's not as rambling as usual (I'm not made of vodka you know!) but also I'm always trying to make this blog more accessible to a larger audience, so I will start including things such as Guest Segments, Reviews and Stories. If you have anything you'd like to see, don't hesitate to let me know, by commenting below!

Until next time, have a great week!

Lloyd Bridges in "Hot Shots"

Jameela Jamil

Growing up and becoming a woman in the 90s

This was my humble attempt to write a story about growing up as a young woman in the 90s.

It was a dark and dreary night. My good friend Mercedes was throwing up in the club toilets and Porsha was smoking a fag in the corner. We were in a nightclub called Club 69. Me and the girls often come here. You might say were die-hard 69-ers.
Speaking of Die-hard, I sure fancied a bit of that Bruce Willis, he was a bit of alright and no mistake! I wonder what he would look like bald?
I held back Mercedes' hair until she'd finished throwing up and she smiled and said "I haven't even drunk that much!" As she spat the last of the puke into the loo, Mercedes restyled her hair into what was described as "The Rachel", after Rachel from Friends. It was very much the 'in' thing at the moment and consisted of chin-length hair, with a fringe and highlights. She looked totally glam. Friends was my favorite show after Biker Grove. I also liked The Bill.
Porsha was rocking some Baby Spice bunches as Emma Bunton was an idol of hers. She wanted to be a glamour model but her strict father was very against it, and was a firm supporter of Promise Rigns and Chastity Belts. They were so not the 'in' thing. As she was a strong, independant woman, however, she refused to wear them.
"Say, Mercedes", began Porsha, "what do you think of our new Prime Minister, Tony Blair? I think he is phat!"
"Oh buzz off!" spat Mercedes, "I ain't in the mood to talk politics! But I tell you what: that John Major was a right scrub!"
"Word!", hollared Clarissa (who is me. I decided to stop talking in first person from here on out)
The trio left the toilets and headed back to the dancefloor. Mercedes was still pretty drunk so Porsha had to support her as they busted some moves to the latest hit from Mariah Carey.


I hope you all enjoyed that. I may come back to them later.

This has been a short post, I'm afraid, as I am shattered. I will make it all up to you with another post over the weekend!

These are the Spice Girls (Take note of the Baby Spice bunches)

The Erotic Adventures of Shaniqua plus a brief evaluation of One Direction

This was my attempt to write amateur soft-core porn (rated 12A):

It was a lovely day in Wales when Shaniqua Barnes, a beutiful, mysterious brunette with great big long legs, opened her shutters and greeted the morning.
It was a traditional summer day, so there was roughly ninety percent cloud cover and the sun was nowhere to be seen. Shaniqua didn't let this spoil her mood, and set off for her job at the pet shop.
On the way she bumped into Roland the pie-maker and he was like 'Oh my god! Shaniqua you're so beautiful".
"Thanks Roland, that is such a kind thing to say", she replied with an alluring wink.
"Oh you're such a flirt! What would my wife, the good lady pie-maker, say?" said Roland.
"Goodness I am all a-fluster. You have such strong, manly arms", Shaniqua whispered in an erotic rush.
"It is mainly from making pies. I have a big one here for you, as you are so pretty", said Roland with a wink.
"Thanks babes, I will be sure to enjoy this big one with my supper, alone. Did I mention that I am afraid of becoming a lonely spinster?"
Saying goodbye to Roland, Shaniqua arrived at the pet shop where she worked. She was cheerfully received by her friend and manager Ivor Biggen. He was a boisterous and jolly fellow, and Shaniqua was forever ready to lend a hand to assist with his occasionally sexual frustrations. Although she found this perhaps a tad unprofessional, having read her original contract upon taking up her current position, she found this duty was a condition in the small print.
Her day passed in the usual way. A man interested in starting a home aquarium asked Shaniqua to show him her fishtank and she was only too happy to oblige!
"It looks very wet down there", he observed.
"Yes, and I always keep the weeds at the front trimmed and presentable".
"Well that's lovely to know. I will let my wife know that snippet of good advice. She's at home at the moment waiting to receive the boiler repairman and the electrician and the handsome young boy who cuts the grass."
"I'm sure nothing untoward is occuring", replied Shaniqua.
"I agree!" declared the customer. "I'm just going to buy some Stella and pick up my shotgun from the cleaners on the way home".



Let me know what you think!

In other news, I've begun writing my next epic, the story of Clarissa, Porsha and another one who's name I can't remember, who are three teenagers in the 90s. It's about Clarissa's powerful journey to becoming a woman. Expect high quanitities of 90s references, particularly about Noel's House Party and the Spice Girls, as well as talking about "lady-time" and other stuff.

Due mainly to boredom today, I searched the internet for anti-1d jokes. Imagine my disgust when I ended up on a site that was  fans* listing stuff that was funny that One Direction had done. I use funny in the broadest possible sense. By broadest possible sense I mean it was effing dire. Words begin to escape me as to how shit the quality of content was. I only gave it 2 stars. Out of a billion.
Anyway my favorite joke I found (on other sites) is as follows:

What do you call an old woman with a cat?
You don't. Harry Styles does.

I never saw that documentary about how mental One Direction fans are, but I don't feel like that means I cannot judge them all. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

"Who's your favorite member of 1D?"
"Oh Niall definately! You can tell in his eyes he's the most damaged!"

Also Harry Styles' face and ADOREABLE dimples are actually wider than the rest of his face. I don't understand the biology needed for such a creation.

Speaking of Simon Cowell, I'd feel bad saying "I wish he died horribly in a combined plane-crash/bumming accident", but I would go so far as to say I would dearly like his inevitable fall from grace and consignment to the celebrity gutter to hurry up and happen. Hopefully his unborn child by the wife of his friend will grow up to combat his evil plans to completely destroy music.

Despite what I've said, I don't mind One Direction's music. By which I mean I like the song "What Makes you Beautiful", as I have never paid attention to any of their other tunes. "The best song ever" is just smug as they're singing about staying up all night listening to some amazing tune, and I bet if you asked what song the song is about they'd say some other song by One Direction!
Anyway my problem with them is just the massive hype and atmosphere surrounding them! Any of their phychotic fans, when asked what the best thing about One Direction is, would probably say how great it is how they personally are going to marry Harry or Zane or whichever one else they're soaking their panties for.
SPEAKING OF WHICH! Zane and Perrie (from Little Mix awesomeness) are engaged? What a match made in heaven! I wonder what the smart man's money is on regarding how long that marriage will last. In minutes, I'd imagine.

I admit this post has had mainly negative themes but it's all part of growing up. Thanks for reading!


*morons

If you've never heard of One Direction. This is what you're facing.

CSI Burgess Hill: The case of the twats in the woods

So I was walking the dog through the woods today and she suddenly runs off into the bushes. After yelling at her but as she's so bloody stupid and probably smelled a 3-month old rotting piece of food that she wanted to eat, she ignored me and disappeared into the undergrowth. Cursing her, I dived in after her, and found her a minute later sniffing around what I will now do my best to describe.

Imagine a big pile of alcohol, enery drinks, rizzlers, filters and general litter. Then imagine someone dropped a bomb on it.

Or in other words some twattish students had been having a well rad time.

 So I took the animal home and set out again with a big black bag, as I thought dressing as Uncle Bungaria might scare off any wayward teens in the future. So I walked towards the woods, which are only about 200 metres from my house, and on the way picked up any bits of litter lying around. I was shocked to find my bag was half full before I even reached the edge of the woods!

I reached the crime-scene and I've managed to work out from a receipt from Millie's Cookies in Crawley, and a train ticket from Three Bridges, there was at least one outsider with them. COMING TO OUR TOWN AND LEAVING THEIR SHITE IN OUR NATURE RESERVES! There were loads of cigarette filters and rizzler and tobacco pouches too, as well as some goth magazine about overpriced shitey clothes (Summer 2013 edition, in case you wondered) so they were probably trying to be non-conformist angry types!

We may never find out who was responsible but hopefully they were all in a terrible incident involving an escaped bear.

Anyway in an interesting and slightly darker subplot to this same tale, as I was rooting around trying to rediscover the scene of the crime, I came across a small campfire in a more closed-off area of the woods. There was no-one around, but there was an old cooking pot, a big shard of glass, a serving tray and - most disturbingly - an empty packet of pills. Was this possibly a place where someone had come to try and commit suicide?

This whole tale at least has an environmentally happy ending. When I got home, I seperated all the recylable materials and disposed of the rest of the rubbish responsibly IN A BIN!

In closing, I think our woods are lovely, and let's try to keep it that way! If you know someone who litters, tell them to dispose of their litter responsibly and not act like an effing scumbag! It's about time we introduced a clan of wildmen in the woods who could use any shiny beer cans left lying around to attract a mate. They would also be good for dissuading those damn teens from camping there overnight when they should be drinking and doing drugs in the skatepark like any normal human being!

"We're so rad we litter in the woods 'n shit"

That shelf was as empty as my heart was when I ran out of my new favorite drink

I was totally ready for an incredible evening tonight! Finished delivering pizzas at 9pm, was given a free pizza and just had to go to tesco and restock on my new drink of choice

JAMMIN'!

It's far and away the most delicious drink ever! It Pineapple and Coconut and I've drunk six cartons of it in the last week! It's revolutionised my life and it's probably pretty healthy!

So I was in tesco and I'd taken note it was buy one get one free and the offer ended on the 26th (TODAY!) so I thought it would be a good idea to stock up before the price skyrocketed to 89p EACH rather than for two. So I went to the appropriate section of tesco like a thirsty pilgrim completing his quest to the holy land, but then i got there and some OTHER had bought all the Jammin' and there was none left for me! I had to resort to alcohol but I sprooced it up with a wedge of lemon, feel like royalty.

End of Story.

Beginning of new story.

I bought a massive garden candle to satisfy my other cravings, it keeps the lesser candles in line.

So also recently I went to a well-wicked Train concert, had a great time! But I was also introduced to the music of Gin Wigmore there, who was the supporting act. They were also well wicked and I would recommend it as heavily as i would stand behind Jammin'.

Those are my two new fave things of the week!

So also big news (kinda new). I have left both my jobs and plan to leave the country on an awesome adventure next week! Ebay have been aflood with items I am selling to raise dollar. Not literally as my first stop is not the States, though they probably will feature somewhere along the line. First stop is Ireland with a woman acquaintance, basically to make sure she doesn't get kidnapped and it turn into Taken 3. I have a certain set of skills but I dont think they would be all too appropriate to rescuing a neurotic woman in the middle of Dublin!
After Dublin I will be flying to Copenhagen for Danish japery, solo! That's where the adventure will truly begin as I have absolutely no idea what to expect and what merry folks I will encounter! Keep an eye on this spot!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYBODY!!1!

So it's Valentine's Day yet again, that time of year that used to be about everyone complaining about love saying OH EM GEE IF U LUFF SOME1 IT SHOULD B 4 ALL TEH TIME NOT JST VALENTINE'S DAY! Eff off you bitches, if your lives are so perfect go marry yourselves!

Nowadays I like to stay one step ahead of them by saying I quite like the idea! What better idea than to have a day that's all about telling that special person how you really feel? And sure there are plenty of couples who are passed the magic and excitement of a brand new relationship so can take comfort in being bitter and resentful, and good for you lot who hate valentine's day, but there is no need to share this sad info with the rest of us! For a lot of single people it's the one day of the year you can pull off saying what your heart really feels, with only about 75% of the embarassment afterwards!

My own day has mainly been taken up with work in the morning, killing time this afternoon, and delivering pizzas in the evening. This evening has also been spent taking care of a certain sad-case friend who just sends texts composed mainly of "OMG I'M SINGLE AND IT'S VALENTINES DAY! HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS COMING?! WHY DOES NO MAN WANT ME?!"

I've run out of Coke, and this Vodka + Sugar-free Lemonade just isn't the same :(

I've also invested in a new candle, as my supply has been getting low of late. It's a garden-style one that weighs a couple of kilo's. It provides the light and warmth I need on a cold winter's night.

Mmmm I do love me some Hula-Hoops! Also Creme Eggs are the bizniz! It's an absolute travesty they don't sell them all year round (hands up who only learnt this recently?) I was paying for some petrol and they were  just sitting there...all 'on offer' and whatnot! I couldn't help myself!

So as I'm spending this evening in moral reflection rather than tarting myself like a whorish teen and trying to get with some 'lad' who can get me pregnant so I don't have to do anything with my life! GOD! - anyway as I'm spending this evening in moral reflection I'll share with you another story I read about in the paper.
There was this bloke and he basically lived off the money he got from the government because he was so skilled he could get two women pregnant multiple times and have 17 children altogether. In recognition of his acheivement the council gave him a house where he, his wife, his mistress, and all his children could live quite happily. According to word on the street both his women were cleaners and all their wages went straight into his bank account. Also he had a bit of wood that he would use to keep them in line.

I know what you're thinking - what a lad!

Anyway the reason this stuck in my head was because I THINK I remember reading about this human being was because he was in the news several years about complaining about the council not giving him a big enough house for him and his massive amount of offspring. They should have done what they did in the olden days and put them to work in the mines! Thanks a lot for that Thatcher!
So as I was saying this time he was in the papers because basically he'd burned his own (well, the council's) house down in a plan to frame his runaway mistress with arson, and stupidly he'd forgotten 6 of his children were in the house asleep at 3am in the morning!

So he's getting done for 6 counts of manslaughter, along with his wife who helped mastermind the plot! Still, at least in prison he'll get the free meals and accomodation he's become accustomed to!

On that cheerful note I wish you a happy valentine's day!...and according to google, the 154th birthday of George Ferris!

The End of the End of the End of the Beginning

Yeah so I was at work the other day and had the thought to drop everything and go travelling. CRASH went all the crockery I was holding for an old lady, but she was a forgetful old thing and I blamed it on a passing youth and her fear and loathing for the urchin-class soon made her forgive me.
That afternoon I handed in my vocal resignation, and from that day on I resolved to see how many pens I could steal before my final day!

Lately my distant friend has taken to wearing a bowler hat indoors, despite the constant sniggering behind their back I did before, it has probably quadripled since I first saw that first picture on a certain website (Redtube). They enjoy being alternative, and having nothing on their head was probably a bit too mainstream so they decided to imitate a banker from the 60s. They now belong in the class of people in The Boat That Rocked who try to kill the pirate radio stations! To retain their anonymity I'm just going to refer to them as Iwona B. Different.

I was watching The Hunger Games the other day, cracking film (phroar too!) and despite my companion calling Lenny Kravitz a paedophile I thoroughly enjoyed it! Also my unknowing guide in life, Woody Harrelson - who has already let me know it's a good idea to go to America and get a cowboy hat and be a badass - told me about how important it is to get sponsors to help me survive in the Hunger Games! So I might ask people if they want to sponsor me to travel round and world and do stuff they are too busy wearing bowler hats to do!

I'm also planning on going to Sweden and fighting a Moose with a shank made out of a shark bone, that I'll have a previous engagement with at the Brighton Sea Life Centre. Then I'll send back pictures of my adventures and get my secretary to compose them into an amazing visual journey of my exploits.

I hope some more people follow me on twitter as a result of this (cough @jacksummers1990 cough), as I go round the world immersing myself in cultures and whatnot. I thought 15 followers was a lot but my friend who tweets about how tough everything is every few seconds thinks otherwise! It'll be a horrible bodyblow not being able to sate my animal lust for large dominoes pizzas as often as i like, but that's just got to be one of the many sacrifices I have to make. I've also got to put into place someone to look after the silly girl at work who needs looking after and morally guiding through life.

Someone suggested I hide my knife (that would legitamately be helpful on a long journey) in my shoe at the airport. I pointed out that there is no room in my shoe next to the bomb I already have hidden in there. Just in case I need to imitate Mega Kick if I get attacked by a Pokemon.

I was crusing round da bloc delivering pizza this evening and I had on Nicki Minaj's first album. Now when I bought it perhaps my ears weren't used to any form of gangster phatty beats and her song about shitting on people, and the one with Eminem where he mentions even if he murdered every other woman in the world he still wouldn't have sex with Nicki as she is a slut, as he puts it. Now anyway I now think they are crackin' tunez and I had a banging time listening to it!

Lolling hard at the magazine rack at work at just how much of a mental nutcase Jordan has become, even for her! Apparently she makes her new stripper husband sleep in a freezing room and makes his wax his face and forced him to propose. It seems this poor fella just cannot stand up for himself, I dont see how she could force him to propose? Surely no-one takes her seriously anymore? Or ever did? Also ALL Real-life magazines are full of stories that are like OH EM GEE that must have been awful...now I hope the money you got from selling your horrific story to this magazine goes some way to healing the pain! They're like that or basically some whinging person going "My FELLA was in bed with 20 other women including my best friend whilst we were at the alter and I did know and he hit me...BUT I LOVE HIM".

And on that bombshell I finish!
KISSKISSKISS