Up-tempo!

I was on my twitter (@JackSummers1990) yesterday, on-the-line, whilst watching The Two Towers extended edition and basically slating Frodo and his damned annoying ways the whole way through, and I did this so much that a twitter user called @LOTR followed me! I felt so popular. Apparently in the books, which are based on the films, Frodo isn't as weedy and pathetic as he is portrayed in the films. Also don't start on me, bruv, saying "Oh it's because he's being influenced by the Ring!" Because in the awesome battle sequence at the beginning of the Fellowship where they're all fighting Sauron, you dont see the dark lord tenderly stroking the ring the whole time whilst staring off into middle distance and being lairy to Samwise.
Ah, Samwise, there does come a point when you stop being a good friend and in the end you're just a mug. Humour me, dear reader, by watching the LOTR films and picturing all of you as Sam. Drink when you'd have stopped putting up with Frodo's shit.


Two possible spin-offs from LOTR became apparent to me whilst watching. Firstly, if Jeremy Kyle can have a low-rent show giving life advice to 'people', then why not Lord Elrond? All he does in The Two Towers is tell his daughter how it is! The other idea I had was when watching Treebeard boss his way about the forest, it reminded me of the scenes I watched in Steven Fry in America, the segment about Bigfoot. Now am I right or am I right in thinking that a documentary where Treebeard and the ents try to locate Bigfoot whilst hiding from the park rangers would be great viewing?

Recently my trustworthy headphones broke in one ear, which is always very annoying when it happens. Notice I say 'when', not if. That's because headphones are built to break, I am sure of it! One Christmas I got about four pairs of headphones and had got through all of them in a couple of months! And that's not because I'm not careful with them, I use them only for the purpose for which they were intended! JEEZ but anyway back to the anecdote, I was in town at the time so luckily I was able to just go to HMV and buy some new ones. Now I've never owned big over-the-ear headphones before and I am trying to try new things! Like only this morning I was in a coffee shop un-ironically! Anyway so I bought some over-ear headphones and was instantly mistaken for a music student! I was tempted to drop it like's it hot right there in the shop and play some phat rhymes, but for reasons we won't get into I didn't.
Anyway this tale has a sad ending (and a pretty sad beginning and middle too, if I'm honest!) I've found them not at all to my liking as it means that whenever I take them out I have to take a man-bag with me to keep them in when I reach my destination! I'm very much used to just wrapping them round my iPod and tucking them in my pocket, but now i might as well have gone back to the 70s and be rollerskating round town with a boombox on my shoulder! Seriously, guys and dolls of music studies, what makes you do this?! They take up so much more space than is necessary! If you're not taking this question rhetorically, then note that I only take answers in music-video form with a very emotional and deep message.

Which leads me right onto the sad news about One Direction. And the wackjobs that have applied for paid leave on compassion grounds (I cant remember what the technical term is and I'm too much in the flow to stop and research it). I mean I get that a bunch of pre-pubescent teenage girls will no-doubt be very upset that a really talented and original band have lost one of their star members, but on the other hand wasn't he engaged to that bitch Perrie who you're all going to murder with bleach and fire, or something?

Apparently my last posting was 'too wordy' for some of my stupider readers, so if you've made it all the way to the end, well done.

I'm late to my own cool party - so late that I am basically just here to tidy up.

Budgeting. There's a word I don't like. It means I might have to spend less money on prawns - which is a food-type that I do like! Plus I must stop buying so many shots of tequila whenever I go out drinking. Good thing I have a bottle of tequila in my cupboard for emergencies!
I told everyone that I would use my week off this week to go to the local popular-brand coffee emporium and write my novel. This was a lie, as I've said in the past that the sort of people who do that are probably just in there to use the free wifi because they're too poor to pay for it themselves BECAUSE they spend all their money on over-priced coffee! A cruel circle that clearly leads only to a lonely death by heart-explosion (from too much coffee). You know, unless you meet one of the many women who also frequent those kinds of places. Perhaps this is why I'm so alone? My not getting on the coffee bandwagon when they became cool fashion accessories! Maybe I need more accessories in my life?
My mum said the other day that I wasn't trendy because I was borrowing some CDs off her and didn't own them myself. I replied that the very fact that I didn't follow on with such trends made me trendy.

My image - something I think I've probably struggled with my whole life. I often look back and cringe at the guy I was at school, wasting my time pursuing girls who had no interest in me and trying to impress people who these days I would think are assholes. I think if I could go back as my past self's guardian angel then that would be rad. Basically tapping my past self on the shoulder every 10 minutes and saying 'Don't do what I know you're about to do'. So much face could have been saved, but I guess a lot of people wish that! I'd be like 'Dont bother going after that girl, she won't like you back and you end up just wasting a lot of time and feelings on what is really a one-way thing' and it just was like that on repeat for my entire school-life. At the time I didn't really understand why I was one of the only people in school who never ever got attention from girls, but now I look back and am not really surprised. I think I was a bit too desperate to please the people I saw as cool, instead of just accepting myself as myself and being happy with that! Sadly now although I've gotten over a lot of my insecurities I've put on a lot of weight so am naturally out of the running for getting a girlfriend anyway! Oh my life!
So I was setting up my tinder account and my friend was getting dozens and dozens of matches but I've had it over a year now and got about 10 or so, only one of which led to a date but no further as I 'seem like a really cool guy but there was no chemistry' - I don't see the problem, does she not want to be with a really cool guy? So all of my other matches are either 'bots, people who never reply, or we chat briefly then they just stop-    
I'm aware there is pre-agreed etiquette for these internet dating sites. My friend said 'you need to have a picture of you out and about, and one of you with a dog, girls will like that' and so on and so on! Spare me these rules! I may be late to the party but these days I play by my own rules! It may not be producing results but maybe I can just get a tattoo of a lone wolf and accept this is the lifestyle I've chosen!

Danny Dyer and the Antique Fire-Tortoiseshell of Doom!

So the plan was - hold on I'm already stopping myself. When I go back and occasionally read old posts (mainly to get the viewing figures up, also because I'm very lonely) I notice that basically all my paragraphs start with 'so', as if these, my innermost thoughts are a sudden change of topic post-awkward silence once the conversation has died...soooo.....let's put a stop to that.

Anyway, the plan was to tell a wild tale about Danny Dyer being a time-traveler trying to save the past from the actions of two antiques experts from Antiques Road Trip (what I watched once and enjoyed) from selling a magic fire-proof volcano tortoise shell at auction and getting so much money for it they became the richest people in the world and it destroyed the space-time continuum...but financially and then we entered a tripe-dip recession, which should definitely be a flavour of ice cream. I'd say Triple-dip recession please Mr Ice Cream Man.

Another idea I had was when I heard of the French dish Croque Monsieur...now if that's not the name of a reptilian detective then I don't know what is! He'd no doubt live out on the bayou and solve all sorts of capers.



Also today is International Women's Day and I'd like to talk about all the women who inspire me in day-to-day life. However I don't want it to seem like I wouldn't do that anyway and it's a bit weird that we do have a day to celebrate women at all? Why not do it all year round anyway? Is every other day celebrate being a man day? If so do I celebrate it enough? What if people think I'm taking my sex for granted? Believe me when you get as little as I do you cannot afford to take sex for granted! Wahey see what I did there? I think one of the root reasons for my respect for women is a fear of getting pregnant myself! I know it's unlikely to happen, but I would be very concerned for the effect it would have on me, plus giving birth itself would be stressful to say the least. I missed the end of the Arnold Swarzenegger (I am confident in my spelling)  where he got pregnant but I assume it ended with him just exploding as he lacked the proper biology to eject a live baby! Also if I got pregnant I might get stuck in a hospital and then have my legs up in those....leg-holding contraptions and then the Pred-Alien from Aliens vs Predators 2 might come in and lay eggs in me! That was a harrowing scene! Did you also know that Arnie starred in Predator 1, so it's not so crazy to think he could have come back in Aliens vs Predator 2, as one of the women in the pregnancy ward! That would have been a most welcome twist! Ooh or if he was Kindergarten cop and the villain at the end of that had been a predator in disguise!

I've arrived late to the game of discovering the joys of Louis Armstrong's Disney cover album, but now I can't go the whole day without strutting my stuff to the Bare Necessities in his melodious tones. Also if you have the time (and let's face it, you do) Youtube the song 'Scare Floor' from the film Monsters Inc. it's a right swinging tune that I would definitely play at a party to get the dance floor full! But no I'm definitely on a Louis Armstrong high at the moment, Hellzapopin' and Zat You Santa Claus are just too good. I Know the latter is a Christmas song but it's clearly one of my so-called 'guilty pleasures'. But then again if people say ooh I watch some garbage soap opera (i.e. basically any soap opera) it's my guilty pleasure, then they're clearly not feeling that guilty about it if they flaunt their so-called shame in public. If they said ooh smoking crack cocaine is my guilty pleasure, or pooing in the woods, then that would make more sense. Also when people say 'sorry, but...' ok stop right there, if you have to say 'but' then you're not really sorry, so you're lying to me AND am about to say something that might disagree with me on some key point.


Also I wish to pose an open question, if I start playing the free-to-play game Game of War, will Kate Upton become my girlfriend? As that is basically what I think the advert is implying. Ooh my city is being attacked, I just happen to be in the bath being attended to with my handmaidens. I'll just put on my shiney breastplate that leaves little to the imagination and gallop on my horse - it's a bumpy ride and in slow motion...PLAY GAME OF WAR. It's been playing on my mind a lot lately. #lonely



My hands have gotten so dish-wash-ey, I think they may be starting to grow scales. Where's a pumice stone when I need one? Also could you pumice so hard you rub all the way through to the other side of my hands?

I've started drinking more tequila lately, and I had a dream that someone stole into my alcohol cupboard, I woke in a tequila-soaked haze (in my bed).

On that note I will leave you, though I will always be in your heart.