Something hilarious with chips - like a clown fish

My last post left something to be desired in that I kinda wimped out of revealing much more of the 'plot' of Dog In The Mist. This was partly due to me wanting to build some suspense. You know how a tv show is best watched in separate episodes rather than just marathon-ing through (like I did with Season 4 of Walking Dead last weekend. That was still great as it's such a boss program). Another reason for not delving deeper into the adventures of the missing man - I have forgotten his name - is because I was so emotionally invested in dissing Youtubers and Lad Bible.
While the threat of a rant about Youtube comments, politicians and the detailed stupidity of racism are all tempting, I must carry on with the story...

Actually, I'm in charge here, and like I said they are mighty tempting to rant about...
Yeah but you also said you MUST carry on with the story!
Agreed but we both saw the viewing figures on the last couple of posts. Face it they're dropping lower than -
Oh please! Do furnish us with a stupid simile involving a whore's drawers we do so love hearing it on repeat!
Well how about you come up with something amusing for once! You always leave the funny's up to me!
I was hired for my looks!
Great job, still single are we?
I prefer the term independent.
At least we've got each other.

Anyway. Back to the story.

Big Daddy fired up his computer. It was an older model so he had to put a extra lump of coal in the furnace and crank the handle a few times before it stuttered to life.
"Right, Pissingham, the main problem I have with Youtubers is the following..."

Well here's an acceptable compromise.
Agreed. Now everybody's happy.

"...they seem to just be a bunch of people who, by definition, have nothing better to do than leave their stupid opinions on a video someone has put up on Youtube. Less than nobody who matters cares what these 'people' have to say. The only redeeming feature is that I will be able to look on basically any video on Youtube and find one of these lowlives.

OK that was all written the other day. My rage against people who leave youtube comments will never go away, but it has ebbed for now.

So back to the story (for real this time) (Seriously I'm not leaving until the next chapter is complete!)

OK for first time readers (yeah right!) here's the plot so far, in some helpful bullet points:
Two detectives get hired.
They find some drugs.
They go to Craig Charles.
You with me so far? Then let's get on with it!

"Mr Charles, we've found these drugs that were produced by your drugs...shop" said Big Daddy.
"Well you've got me there. I admit that since Robot Wars fell through due to it being officially too cool for tv, I've taken to selling drugs from the toilets of this Wetherspoons".
"Well I don't approve of that, these drugs could be very dangerous if they got in someone's eye. I must ask you to go down to the police station and ask them to arrest you".
"You mean this is the end of my involvement in the story? I was expecting more of an entertaining scene!"
BD frowned. "You and the readers both! However we need to be getting on with the story. Oh also can you help us along with the plot please?"
"I dont know...will me or the House Robots appear again in this storyline?"
"Absolutely not, but there is hope for Ye Olde Tale of Sire Killalot to be a possible spin-off?"
"It's a deal. Go to the zoo, Big Daddy and Pissingham! Your destiny awaits!
"What a weird change of tone, Craig Charles. But thank you!"

They drove away from Wetherspoons and when Pissingham turned the music on in the Fiat 500 it was like entering another world. They felt like rocking out to some banging tunes by the likes of the Proclaimers

A note from the author - Hi fans. I just like to add in bits like this because I feel like it adds a sense of realism to the story. The plot was heavily influenced by the songs "King of the Road" and "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by the Proclaimers, and also the ballad "Shiver My Timbers" from the Muppets Treasure Island Theme Tune. If you pay particular attention you might notice that Pissingham's character references Proclaimers songs fairly often. Just a bit of fun for me whilst writing, hope you enjoy! ;)

As they drove to the rough 'Carni' side of town to where the ghoulish cronies at the circus could be found, BD thought it was time for the author to explore their characters more so asked Pissingham a personal question.
"How is your thousand mile trek training coming along, partner?" (Although he said it like 'pardner' like cowboys do. I'll have no homo-errotic fan-fiction about these two people. Not that there's anything wrong with homo-erroticism, far from it! I just wouldn't want to break Shaniqua's heart (she's BD's wife, if you read the cracking adventures of Peter Geist and the [find name of blog-post later and insert here] ) also the hearts of his two children [can't remember their names. Dont bother looking up - no time!]....
Anyway yes I woujldn't want to break their hearts by making the two protagonists embark on some Brokeback-esque adventure. )

"Anyway thank you for asking about my thousand mile trek adventure" said Pissingham what felt like half an hour of explanations later. "I can't do it all yet, but with a rest in the middle I'm just fine.
"So you might say..."
"Yes BD, I would indeed walk 500 miles. Then I would go on to walk 500 more"

I like to end on a hilarious joke. I hope you all saw the subtle Proclaimers reference there.

Next time on Big Daddy and Pissingham....I dont even know what thats supposed to be!

Dog in the Mist Part 3:

I'm always searching for a new angle in these blogs, so this part of the story of Dog in the Mist should, if you want to experience it correctly, not be read as a story but performed as a fine theatre production. Do get your friends and family involved.

LetThyWordsBeFurious© is proud to present...

A TimeOnHisHands production...

In association with ShouldBeDoingWork studios...

Dog in the Mist: Part 3

Cast:

Big Daddy - A serious fellow. Dislikes his family. Enjoys a spot of japery.
Pissingham - Big Daddy's partner and greatest admirer. No real character traits.
Lord Charles - Big land owner and owner of Bevensford Manor. Also used to present Robot Wars.
Ref-Bot - Lord Charles' long-serving and long-suffering, wise-cracking butler.
Matilda - Popular children's novel by Rold Dahl. Also the most beautiful young lady in the area.
Sir Killalot - A ferocious and brave knight trying to win Matilda's affections.

Scene one: Outside Bevensford Manor

Enter Big Daddy and Pissingham, on the back of a horse.

Big Daddy: Woah there, Fiat500! Settle down, girl!

Pissingham: She must smell trouble nearby.

Big Daddy: Actually I think she's just still a little upset from the incident at the petrol station.

Interlude

I felt I had to halt the production of Dog in the Mist where BD and Pissingham uncover Ref-Bot's beaten metallic corpse and get caught up in a world in intrigue and misdirection where it turns out it was Lord Charles all along after he had a hallucinogenic-induced flashback to an episode of Red Dwarf where he thought Ref-Bot was the reincarnation of the Polymorph. Hilarity/Peril ensued.

But we'll get back to that later.

I have two complaints I'd like to expand upon.

1) The Lad Bible. (And other Facebook-related shit)
Where to begin? Lad-culture has been around for a long long time of course, but lately it seems to have just become synonymous with behaving like a prize jeb-end. It's joined the really irritating parade of what have been described as 'click-bait' on facebook (which I've noticed takes up more than half of my updates these days). Have you noticed this?
"This guy's Mum will probably disown him after this"
"26 People who instantly regretted being arrested in ironic t-shirts"
"Do you know all the lyrics to Bohemium Rhapsody?"
It goes on and on! All they are are ways to throw more and more advertisements in your face, none of which anyone even pays attention to!
But yes back to Lad Bible it just grinds my gears that people would find this amusing in a non-ironic way. Any intelligent person would view it as "look how insecure and immature we can be". Most of them start with something like "You'll never guess what this Lad did!" whereas I can answer that without actually clicking the link by knowing it was probably 'gettin off with a load o' birds' or 'having a giant car' or 'getting a fucking stupid tattoo' or otherwise behaving like someone from a shit Inbetweeners Tribute Act.

2) Loud and Jaded. (and youtubers in general)

 This is something I've only just come across. It's a Youtube channel and the presenter(s) have clearly read the Youtuber's handbook on how to present a Youtube Channel.
Rule 1: Always have your face on screen and try to fit as many facial expressions in as humanly possible! If either of your eyebrows are still for over half a second you're a disgrace to the Youtuber community!
Rule 2: You must always speak with an annoying question intonation! Like everything you're saying is a question? Even when it's a statement? (You're excused if you are actually asking a question).
Rule 3: Have a really punchable face. I'm looking at you Ray William Johnson! They all try to exude a certain personality that has to be at the same time cool/funny/earnest or whatever else and I just don't buy into it. They all try to outshine one another and I dont think it ever comes across as very genuine. Fair enough they're putting on a show, but I think they just try too hard. I'm sure they're fab in RL.

Look at me I was made by a 13 year old!



Part 2 of Dog in the Mist: in which Big Daddy and Pissingham uncover a vital clue!

You may notice something a bit strange about this post. It suffers from having some planning put into it. So far our heroes Big Daddy and Pissingham have been sought out by the mysterious Mrs Schmoleshhhky to search for her missing Private Eye husband. The next part of the journey.....

The next morning Pissingham picked up Big Daddy in his pink convertible Fiat 500 and they set off out of town into the surrounding countryside. It was early morning and a wintry chill still clung to the hedges either side of the lane. 

"How did you find this lead on Schmoleshhhky's car, BD?" asked Pissingham as the roadside vegetation whizzed past.

"When you've been in the business as long as I have, you learn how to pick up every ounce of information wherever it can be found", replied BD cryptically.

He thought back to his questioning of Ironika the night before...

"Where's your husband's car?"

"Probably at the local dogging sight" sighed Mrs Schmoleshhhhky

"Interesting..." murmured Big Daddy.

"Why would a happily married man visit a dogging site?" queried Pissingham.

"Either he was a automobile suspension enthusiast, or perhaps he wasn't quite so happily married as we thought" replied BD.

They arrived at Creaky Springs nature reserve car par/dogging site and paid the valet to park the car. There was only one other car there and they wasted no time in heading over to it. It was a dark blue Ford Mondeo and it looked like it had been there all night. And a couple of other nights. Basically however long Ironika had said her husband had been missing.

"How do we get in?" asked Pissingham as they peered in through the steamed up windows. 

"His wife gave me these" BD replied, holding up a set of car keys with a shiny monogrammed key fob attached to a chrome key-ring. Arranging the keys and the fob between the knuckles of his right hand, he smashed in the driver's side window and unlocked the door.

They spent five minutes combing over every inch of the interior before they resigned to the fact that the car's upholstery had knots that would just never come out. So they set about looking for clues. 

Pissingham found a old service revolver under the passenger seat, along with a few spent shell cases. 

"But what does that tell us?" pressed BD.

"That he was expecting trouble? And he clearly found it. I think he was dragged from the car, otherwise why leave this beh-".

"It tells us he was a messy guy. Irresponsible too. He's supposed to have kids, right?"

Pissingham frowned. "The writer hasn't actually made that clear".

"Well leaving this lying under the passenger seat, where small children are usually kept whilst driving, was terrible parenting. Thank goodness the weapon wasn't loaded, or it's small moving parts could have been very dangerous if swallowed by small children".

The only other suspicious thing in the car was that Mr Schmoleshhhky's key was still in the ignition.

"So he's also an idiot? Not only does he leave his key in the ignition, but he also locks it in the car as he wanders off. Plus you can tell he was dragging his heels as he walked off, it looks exactly as if he was dragged off!" declared Big Daddy in exasperation.

As BD trudged off through the rough vegetation after the elusive trail, Pissingham popped the boot (with his 9mm). Then he pressed the release button and opened it, lifting it with a wheezing sound that was concerning coming from a man of his age.What he saw within almost blew him away. Luckily the boot-mounted onboard electric fan system was only set to the lowest setting. Goodness know what could have happened if it was on level three. The car could have taken off. A close call indeed.

"What have you found, partner?" asked BD, zipping himself up and walking back over to the Ford.

Pissingham carefully cut the red wire leading to the back of the electric fan. Normally he would have been sweating while deactivating such a potentially deadly device, but the fan was actually keeping him quite chilled.

Now the immediate threat had been dealt with, he turned his attention to the three large see-through bags of cocaine sitting slap bang in the middle of the boot space.

"Looks like three bags of coke" he said.

BD stepped up beside him.

"So he's also selfish? He has all this cocaine and he takes it out here to this dogging site rather than sharing it with his friends and family back home?"

"Look, BD! On the back of the packet, here...it says 'If not completely satisfied by this product, please contact our freephone customer complaints line, or bring the product to Mr Charles at the local branch of Wetherspoons, in the 3rd cubicle in the gents toilets".

"Good work, Pissingham!" ejaculated BD, After cleaning himself up, he continued "Have the valet bring the car around, looks like we know our next move!"

 

The Bogeyman, The Werewolf and The Wardrobe.

A forward by the author:
Hi readers! I'm sure by now you're all used to my writing style and how it can be somewhat erratic/errotic. I like to write whatever comes to mind, as it comes! But that's not to say I don't also like to occasionally delve into the deep and dark parts of my thought when something of real substance appears on my plate in the restaurant that is my imagination. 
My posts have wildly varying levels of popularity which in some ways just goes to show the huge variety of tastes which you all have. Some of you enjoy the lols, whereas I'm sure a lot of you read LTWBF for the heart-wrenching true stories about my bowel movements.
For whatever reason you choose to read, I thank you for your continuing patronage of my creative work and would like to dedicate this to you all! 

Out of all my posts, my favorites are the continuing saga of Big Daddy and Pissingham. I am forever being bombarded with fan mail asking me to create another chapter in their tale. So here it is....

Dog In the Mist
A Big Daddy and Pissingham Tale.

Praise for the author-
"So chilling, I had to go put on a cardigan and make myself a warm bevvy"
"His writing is indescribable"
"I can't tell if it's meant to be shit, and he's just a genius?"

 Click-click! Click-click! Click-click!
Big Daddy beamed as the paparazzi snapped picture after picture of him and his partner-in-crime (solving) Pissingham as they solved their 100th mystery. They were arrayed before the gaggle of reporters who all were anxious to hear how he and Pissingham had solved their latest caper. There had been a string of complaints about unidentified meats being served in the burgers at local fast food joint Mack Donald's and the ingenious duo had solved it in record time.
After linking the mystery meat with the unusual disappearances of members of staff from rival food dispensary Dodgey Dave's Filthy and Greasy Kebab Shack of Shit they came to an unwelcome, yet concrete conclusion.
Mack Donald, the owner of Mack Donald's, was using an unlicensed time-machine to go back to the distant past and capture prehistoric giant amphibians, bring them back to his restaurant and cook them to his secret recipe! He was feeding his rival's employees to the mighty, yet beautiful beats while he marinaded them in disused bath-tubs! The detective duo's break came when Mack accidentally brought back a crocodile and it went into the burgers and a visiting Australian recognised the distinctive salty taste (from all their crocodile tears).
Sadly, Bruce the Australian had been shortly thereafter hospitalised when he tried to fight Mack with nought but his boomerang, and as he dodged a swing from Mack's custom-built fleshlight (codenamed Big Mack) his cork-decorated hat got caught in an overhead ceiling-fan and he was unceremoniously catapulted through a window. But that's a story for another time.
As Big Daddy and Pissingham stood at a special podium and accepted an award from none other than Big Chief Hairyback (flown in at great expense from a past blog) the photographers lined up like a firing squad and Big Daddy thought "Life doesn't get any better than this!" (He also said it, hence the speechmarks).

 Click-click! Click-click! Click-click!
Big Daddy leaned back in the uncomfortable plastic chair and endured his son's castanet recital.
When did life get so shit? Why was his son so untalented? About the same time as his wife became a complete bitch, he thought.
"You're thinking out loud again, dear" Shaniqua, his wife, said from her seat next to him.
"Sorry son!" apologised B.D. "Of course you're very talented, I was referring to your brother!"
"He's sitting on the other side of you, darling" pointed out Shaniqua.
Before this awkward situation was made any worse, the door to the hall was burst open. A dark figure was silhouetted against the roaring storm outside, dripping with what BD assumed was post-sex sweat - but could on reflection have been rain-water.
A smell wafted over from the figure. A smell BD knew only too well.
Semen.
Also a new case to solve.

After showering, the new client shook BD's hand.
"My name is Ironika Schlomeshhhsky" said the woman as she pinned her dark blonde hair into place, on her head. "I need your help Mr Daddy".
"Please, madam, Mr Daddy was my father", replied our hero, "you can all me Sir".
It transpired that Miss Schlomeshhhsky was in dire need of help. Her beloved husband, Bill Schlomeshhhsky, had vanished whilst working, three days previously. Although he had a decent phone contract with plenty of free minutes, she hadn't heard from him since.
"I need details, Ironika" said BD from his armchair by the fireplace. "What did your husband do"
"Well, sir. He was a private investigator, like yourself"
Big Daddy raised an eyebrow and intertwined his fingers, in an effort to create some tension and/or drama.
"So you're hiring me to locate him? You know what they say about 'an eye for an eye'?"
She frowned. "Actually that turn of phrase refers to an eye, as in eyeball. The 'I' we're referring to is the letter I, standing for investigator. So what you said may have sounded clever but it didn't really have any relevance".
"Correct, madam. The whole world would be blind" replied BD as he stared into the flames.

The adventure continues next time...

The sort of Giant Amphibian served at Mack Donalds