You may notice something a bit strange about this post. It suffers from having some planning put into it. So far our heroes Big Daddy and Pissingham have been sought out by the mysterious Mrs Schmoleshhhky to search for her missing Private Eye husband. The next part of the journey.....
"How did you find this lead on Schmoleshhhky's car, BD?" asked Pissingham as the roadside vegetation whizzed past.
"When you've been in the business as long as I have, you learn how to pick up every ounce of information wherever it can be found", replied BD cryptically.
He thought back to his questioning of Ironika the night before...
"Where's your husband's car?"
"Probably at the local dogging sight" sighed Mrs Schmoleshhhhky
"Interesting..." murmured Big Daddy.
"Why would a happily married man visit a dogging site?" queried Pissingham.
"Either he was a automobile suspension enthusiast, or perhaps he wasn't quite so happily married as we thought" replied BD.
They arrived at Creaky Springs nature reserve car par/dogging site and paid the valet to park the car. There was only one other car there and they wasted no time in heading over to it. It was a dark blue Ford Mondeo and it looked like it had been there all night. And a couple of other nights. Basically however long Ironika had said her husband had been missing.
"How do we get in?" asked Pissingham as they peered in through the steamed up windows.
"His wife gave me these" BD replied, holding up a set of car keys with a shiny monogrammed key fob attached to a chrome key-ring. Arranging the keys and the fob between the knuckles of his right hand, he smashed in the driver's side window and unlocked the door.
They spent five minutes combing over every inch of the interior before they resigned to the fact that the car's upholstery had knots that would just never come out. So they set about looking for clues.
Pissingham found a old service revolver under the passenger seat, along with a few spent shell cases.
"But what does that tell us?" pressed BD.
"That he was expecting trouble? And he clearly found it. I think he was dragged from the car, otherwise why leave this beh-".
"It tells us he was a messy guy. Irresponsible too. He's supposed to have kids, right?"
Pissingham frowned. "The writer hasn't actually made that clear".
"Well leaving this lying under the passenger seat, where small children are usually kept whilst driving, was terrible parenting. Thank goodness the weapon wasn't loaded, or it's small moving parts could have been very dangerous if swallowed by small children".
The only other suspicious thing in the car was that Mr Schmoleshhhky's key was still in the ignition.
"So he's also an idiot? Not only does he leave his key in the ignition, but he also locks it in the car as he wanders off. Plus you can tell he was dragging his heels as he walked off, it looks exactly as if he was dragged off!" declared Big Daddy in exasperation.
As BD trudged off through the rough vegetation after the elusive trail, Pissingham popped the boot (with his 9mm). Then he pressed the release button and opened it, lifting it with a wheezing sound that was concerning coming from a man of his age.What he saw within almost blew him away. Luckily the boot-mounted onboard electric fan system was only set to the lowest setting. Goodness know what could have happened if it was on level three. The car could have taken off. A close call indeed.
"What have you found, partner?" asked BD, zipping himself up and walking back over to the Ford.
Pissingham carefully cut the red wire leading to the back of the electric fan. Normally he would have been sweating while deactivating such a potentially deadly device, but the fan was actually keeping him quite chilled.
Now the immediate threat had been dealt with, he turned his attention to the three large see-through bags of cocaine sitting slap bang in the middle of the boot space.
"Looks like three bags of coke" he said.
BD stepped up beside him.
"So he's also selfish? He has all this cocaine and he takes it out here to this dogging site rather than sharing it with his friends and family back home?"
"Look, BD! On the back of the packet, here...it says 'If not completely satisfied by this product, please contact our freephone customer complaints line, or bring the product to Mr Charles at the local branch of Wetherspoons, in the 3rd cubicle in the gents toilets".
"Good work, Pissingham!" ejaculated BD, After cleaning himself up, he continued "Have the valet bring the car around, looks like we know our next move!"
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