Hi readers! I'm sure by now you're all used to my writing style and how it can be somewhat erratic/errotic. I like to write whatever comes to mind, as it comes! But that's not to say I don't also like to occasionally delve into the deep and dark parts of my thought when something of real substance appears on my plate in the restaurant that is my imagination.
My posts have wildly varying levels of popularity which in some ways just goes to show the huge variety of tastes which you all have. Some of you enjoy the lols, whereas I'm sure a lot of you read LTWBF for the heart-wrenching true stories about my bowel movements.
For whatever reason you choose to read, I thank you for your continuing patronage of my creative work and would like to dedicate this to you all!
Out of all my posts, my favorites are the continuing saga of Big Daddy and Pissingham. I am forever being bombarded with fan mail asking me to create another chapter in their tale. So here it is....
Dog In the Mist
A Big Daddy and Pissingham Tale.
Praise for the author-
"So chilling, I had to go put on a cardigan and make myself a warm bevvy"
"His writing is indescribable"
"I can't tell if it's meant to be shit, and he's just a genius?"
Click-click! Click-click! Click-click!
Big Daddy beamed as the paparazzi snapped picture after picture of him and his partner-in-crime (solving) Pissingham as they solved their 100th mystery. They were arrayed before the gaggle of reporters who all were anxious to hear how he and Pissingham had solved their latest caper. There had been a string of complaints about unidentified meats being served in the burgers at local fast food joint Mack Donald's and the ingenious duo had solved it in record time.
After linking the mystery meat with the unusual disappearances of members of staff from rival food dispensary Dodgey Dave's Filthy and Greasy Kebab Shack of Shit they came to an unwelcome, yet concrete conclusion.
Mack Donald, the owner of Mack Donald's, was using an unlicensed time-machine to go back to the distant past and capture prehistoric giant amphibians, bring them back to his restaurant and cook them to his secret recipe! He was feeding his rival's employees to the mighty, yet beautiful beats while he marinaded them in disused bath-tubs! The detective duo's break came when Mack accidentally brought back a crocodile and it went into the burgers and a visiting Australian recognised the distinctive salty taste (from all their crocodile tears).
Sadly, Bruce the Australian had been shortly thereafter hospitalised when he tried to fight Mack with nought but his boomerang, and as he dodged a swing from Mack's custom-built fleshlight (codenamed Big Mack) his cork-decorated hat got caught in an overhead ceiling-fan and he was unceremoniously catapulted through a window. But that's a story for another time.
As Big Daddy and Pissingham stood at a special podium and accepted an award from none other than Big Chief Hairyback (flown in at great expense from a past blog) the photographers lined up like a firing squad and Big Daddy thought "Life doesn't get any better than this!" (He also said it, hence the speechmarks).
Click-click! Click-click! Click-click!
Big Daddy leaned back in the uncomfortable plastic chair and endured his son's castanet recital.
When did life get so shit? Why was his son so untalented? About the same time as his wife became a complete bitch, he thought.
"You're thinking out loud again, dear" Shaniqua, his wife, said from her seat next to him.
"Sorry son!" apologised B.D. "Of course you're very talented, I was referring to your brother!"
"He's sitting on the other side of you, darling" pointed out Shaniqua.
Before this awkward situation was made any worse, the door to the hall was burst open. A dark figure was silhouetted against the roaring storm outside, dripping with what BD assumed was post-sex sweat - but could on reflection have been rain-water.
A smell wafted over from the figure. A smell BD knew only too well.
Semen.
Also a new case to solve.
After showering, the new client shook BD's hand.
"My name is Ironika Schlomeshhhsky" said the woman as she pinned her dark blonde hair into place, on her head. "I need your help Mr Daddy".
"Please, madam, Mr Daddy was my father", replied our hero, "you can all me Sir".
It transpired that Miss Schlomeshhhsky was in dire need of help. Her beloved husband, Bill Schlomeshhhsky, had vanished whilst working, three days previously. Although he had a decent phone contract with plenty of free minutes, she hadn't heard from him since.
"I need details, Ironika" said BD from his armchair by the fireplace. "What did your husband do"
"Well, sir. He was a private investigator, like yourself"
Big Daddy raised an eyebrow and intertwined his fingers, in an effort to create some tension and/or drama.
"So you're hiring me to locate him? You know what they say about 'an eye for an eye'?"
She frowned. "Actually that turn of phrase refers to an eye, as in eyeball. The 'I' we're referring to is the letter I, standing for investigator. So what you said may have sounded clever but it didn't really have any relevance".
"Correct, madam. The whole world would be blind" replied BD as he stared into the flames.
The adventure continues next time...
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| The sort of Giant Amphibian served at Mack Donalds |
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