Cars, Bars, Stars, and my rhyming ability has deserted me.

My Dad came round today and pointed out two bald tyres on my car, thanks a lot! I was happily oblivious to it, now I have to worry! Just like when someone points out one of my headlights has blown, then I can't help but notice, whereas before I wouldn't even! So I took it up the town (Wahey) and they changed the tyres for £130 BUT....BUT........BUT then they said my something-or-other also needed changing which would be another amount of money! All the while I was doing my friendly banter that I always have to do when I have to ask another man to fix my car/computer/life for me as I am too hopeless to do it myself.

"Hello there good chap, it appears my automobile has popped a gasket (I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL GASKET!) and I cannot get to the village fete! Wouldst thou be a good fellow and help one out"  - basically how I think I sound when talking to anyone with a practicle skill.

I've had a great afternoon bathing in the dark pleasure of True Detective (A new fave of mine) followed naturally by Groundhog Day with Bill Murry. I mean that the film has him in it, I dont mean I watched it with him. That would be great and my bedroom does have a 'guest chair' now after numerous complaints from visitors. I might have to get rid of it now as it takes up loads of room. Guests can go back to sitting on the bed and suffer from a lack of lumbar support.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I'm planning on biking it to my place of work to see how long it would take. It's only 10 miles which isn't too bad, but then again right in the middle in the infamous cyclist-death-road of The South Downs, which I've never managed to cycle up without stopping in a heart-attack-inducing out-of-breath-ness. Luckily as it's a Sunday tomorrow the only people to get stuck behind me as I make my heroic cycle ride will be 'Sunday-Drivers' who if they go any slower will be going backwards anyway.
I heard from my Mum today that she saw a queue of cars going into Brighton stretching back miles and miles down the motorway. I'm like if you're dumb enough to drive into a busy seaside city on a sunny Saturday u deserve to roast to death stuck halfway up a motorway!

After my last blog (which was the least popular sine January, thank you loyal fanbase)  I spent a good hour researching Giant Squids. Apparently that picture at the bottom of it was a hoax! What can I say I panicked and was caught up in the media frenzy (from years ago) (I like to get to the party late) WHICH REMINDS ME I was talking to a friend the other day and she introduced me to the concept that's it's polite to always turn up to arranged events 5-10 minutes late! As you can imagine my punctuality-driven mind was torn asunder! Shows what I know about highbrow etiquette!

Which also gets me onto the subject of me being asked to attend a social evening with a group of friends at a pub or one of their houses, basically as an excuse to get sloshed! Call my ultra-radical (like the kids down the skatepark ofter do when i bounce a phat olly off a halfpipe at 360 degrees, celcius) but I fancy doing something other than that! Surely in this day and age we, as young adults, can show more imagination?! Should I be concerned that the first thing that popped into my mind was getting together and performing a play together? I'd enjoy it! I reckon everyone else would too, as they're an expressive bunch!

So as I mentioned I watched Groundhog Day, which I love every time, and especially at the end when Bill Murry becomes an awesome jazz pianist, and am decided that I also am going to have another crack at learning piano! I hope the skills I learnt over a couple of weeks last year are still fresh in my mind! Rest assured I will let you know! If I survive the South Downs tomorrow that is!

On an entirely different note I wish to pre-warn you of the superhero character I have created. Introducing:

FRIENDZONE!

He can be ruled out as boyfriend material faster than a speeding bullet!
His bonds of friendship with women are more powerful than a locomotive!
He is able to leap mountains of logic in a single bound!

And on top of that he has superhuman listening abilities, as well as unbreakable patience! He is strong enough to carry a hundred bags of shopping!

...Sorry I zoned out and woke up looking at the Green Arrow wikipedia page!

That's why there used to be more dentists on the NHS, so the Great Plaque of London would never happen again.

I've inadvertently (long word so early on, I know) created a delicious beverage. Let me tell you all about it.

I was in Tesco the other day and I spied some discounted cans of coke. I eagerly bought them but then once I got them home I saw, to my horror, that they were VANILLA coke. As a coke puritan I basically turned my nose up so high I did a backflip. 

But anyway now I have mixed it with some delicious vodka and it tastes not half bad! 

Speaking of my vodka, it had found it's way to the back of the cupboard. I dont know if it's to do with my mother's mad cupboard sorting shenanigans or if a black hole has opened in the back of my drinks cupboard and it's drawing in my vodka like some super-dense galactic phenomenon! 

"I've been drawn into watching at least three games of the World Cup since it started. I'm finding it well exciting" lied the author.

So Stardust is an awesome movie, but stupidly I've leant it to my sister so I spent about 10 minutes frantically searching for it and almost hulking out before I remembered. Then I wept openly.

I'm tiring of this Vanilla Coke. I mean vanilla is the most...vanilla of flavours! I wouldn't choose it if i had a choice of ice cream to eat, so why the hell would i put it in my coke?! I mean would a chocolate coke be good? perhaps. But who would be mad enough to make it...or genius enough to.

Which reminds me, my good friend (see: onely) has been spreading that "well known fact" that chocolate has special stuff in it (oh yes I'm getting all technical on your asses) (and pulling out the word 'ass', apparently)...

....

anyway she's been saying that chocolate has that special thing that you can also get from a hug, or love, or something. Call me cynical but doth this not just sound like something the chocolate companies (and by extension 'the establishment') would say to cater to chocolate's main fan-base, the +censored because of highly sexist content+

I had some Rocky Road chocolate the other day, it was off the rails!

According to a friend because I complimented a girl on her hair, that will make me come across as a, and I quote, 'safe old gay'. Obviously what I should have done is just honked my horn, told her she had nice tits and driven off. Which would have been difficult as we were indoors at the time.

I got laughed at whilst watching the football (see earlier paragraph) for starting my comment on the game with "you want to hear an interesting fact about grass?" WILL I NEVER FIT IN WITH DA LADZ?

Also I found out my nickname at work is not 'The Elephant Man' on account of my excellent memory!

WTF is this?!

"It was weird: he kept messaging me on Facebook and I thought what does he want? Turns out he just wanted to chat!"

The title is basically what a new friend I'd made said to the friend I had met him through when I tried to engage him in friendly chit-chat! Clearly I come across as scary/untrustworthy.

I'm totally living it large and boogying to the album "52nd Street" by Billy Joel atm. It's off the rails! Stiletto is just a massive tune, followed by the bodacious Half A Mile Away and the likes of Until the Night and 52nd Street itself!
I had an impromptu dance in the mirror the other day after getting home from work (after a couple) to BB King's "In The Midnight Hour". My moves wouldn't have looked out of place at a professional singing demo.

Was exposed last night to a new experience: the band Garden Heart, who were friends of my good pal Tariq Khawaja (who let me tell you is a pretty big deal). They were playing a set at a pub in Brighton called The Hope, and they played a few songs but the one that stuck with me the most was called Water, it was awesome! I don't think they are available on iTunes (I have checked) but if you want to listen to it, simply search Garden Heart Water in Youtube and it's pretty easy to find!

Whilst at The Hope, I witness my buddy falling in love with the gorgeous barstaff-lady. I was unable to persuade him to throw caution to the wind and ask for her number or hand in marriage, but it did get me thinking about my own barren love-life. I've only ever had one proper relationship, my school and college-years consisted of just falling head over hells for one girl after another, none of whom returned my affections so I grew used to that being the norm. At the time I was jealous of the people who rocked from one relationship to the next with no trouble.
While I'm grateful for the relationship I had and the good times it brought me, I know can appreciate that relationships have to have a lot of hard work put in to make them last. And there are many times in the meantime when you feel like so much shit and you feel no-one can hurt you like the person you're in a relationship with. And when it does end it doesn't feel great either!
I think one thing is that every TV show or film has some unarguable truth, or some great cliché, that can make you think WOW that would definitely work! and it won't!
Another thing is these men who have tried to turn picking up women into some form of art, which I just find a bit weird, desperate and creepy! Life isn't a game where you can see how far you can sow your seeds. We, as a race, have evolved beyond that!

Yeah so since the end of my relationship my renewed quest for a female companion has regressed to my schooldays of liking some girl from the sidelines, safe in the knowledge that if I do go for it I'll only be met by rejection so best to just stick to the sidelines and like her in safe anonymity.
For instance there was a girl I met through a friend and we got on like a house on fire and she wasn't just cute, she was funny, smart and a bit crazy too. We arranged to meet up just the two of us and see a film but then I was left outside the cinema for 25 minutes and she never showed, and she hasn't offered any explanation or spoken to me since! I've tried to find out but just no reply to anything!
The only other close call I had was when I actually got to the date stage with a girl from Tinder who was very nice, we had a nice meal and some banter (forgive me for using that word) in the pub. I thought things went great and I walked home with a spring in my step despite my dodgy foot (see previous blog) but then the next morning she texts me to say there was no chemistry! I was left hurt and emasculated, but by lunchtime I had gotten over it.

Also one other thing. I've noticed that the spell check on here doesn't actually recognise the word 'blog'.