It's all the bitches are talking about...Blog 29...and my muscles

I performed a live reading of my last post to an excited all-female audience the other day, and as I proudly re-read my work to her, it became apparent I made quite a few spelling and grammatical errors. I was thinking privately: what was I drinking?! I'll not make that mistake again!

This time I know exactly what I'm drinking.

I was very proud of the unfolding epic drama I began last time, but I'm not one to rest on my laurels (as my bed is much more comfortable). Looking back over all the posts I've written, the one thing I've noticed is that none of the little stories I write have satisfying endings! It's as if I just give up, as if I'm unable to finish what I begin, leaving my audience feeling dissatisfied and and unwanted...

No wonder I'm single :(

It's time to throw this record to the four winds and so without further ado I present to you Part 2 of...

PC Peter Geist and the Mysterious Carrying On of the story...

As you no doubt remember, PC Geist was just visiting the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland on a whim that his evil nemesis, Governor Tortilla, would use it to create a black hole even larger than one of the gaping holes in the plot so far. In the meantime Chief Hairyback and Officer Chuckles were fighting their way through October Hurricanes to Ghana, where Chuckles was hoping to be reuinted with his birth-parents, a couple of Giraffes. Before they could meet however, they were whisked away on an all-expenses paid trip to the Hubbel Telescope and after looking through it they glimpsed a vision that chilled their blood! They looked across the galaxy and on a distance planet many millions of lightyears away they were able to get a glimpse through the bathroom window of Mrs Regina Weatherly as she was taking a shower!
Meanwhile, Big Daddy and Pissingham, three years in the past, had just left the Sequinned Rim nightclub (or might have been a bar) and were trying to advance the plot with a much-loved flashback!

So where was I... So Big Daddy and Pissingham were on their way out of the Sequinned Rim and I vaguely recall they were looking for someone's brother. I really don't remember, but what I do remember is what's happened after this flashback so let's do less explaining and more plot-continuation!

They left the bar, with the words of whoever they'd been talking to still ringing in their ears (but it may well have been the phat beats being played in the establishment). The original plan had been to check out a number of other bars looking for whoever the fuck they were meant to be looking for, but Pissingham was feeling pretty unwell after the whole series of events that we all remember just happened, so Big Daddy took him back to their hotel and put him to bed, before running a bath for himself.
Shit!
They were out of Muscle Relax Bubble Bath. This day was going from bad to worse. Big Daddy cursed to himself that Smartphones hadn't been invented yet, and left the room and ran down to the lobby to ask a local where the nearest shop that sold Bubble Bath was.
"I'll tell you whatever you want to know", said the crazed New Yorker (not sure why he was crazed), "just please put some clothes on first!"
"I don't have time to get dressed", explained Big Daddy, "surely at this time of night the Bubble Bath emporiums are all closed!"
"What are you talking about? It's 3:00 in the afternoon!" said the confused local man, scratching his bonnet.
"Well where I come from it's 11:00pm!" replied our hero.
"Where's that?!" gasped Jasper. He's been given a name now because he's becoming the pivotal conversationalist in this chapter of the story. He might even accompany Big Daddy on his way to the shops! Fuck it, it's happening and you can live with it! But how to fit him in? Hmm -

"Say old man, want to come with me to the Bubble Bath shop?"  asked Big Daddy
"Sounds delightful!"

That was easy.

Big Daddy and Jasper decided to take a taxi downtown to the Bubble Bath capitol of the world....erm....Tubs'r'us. Predictably it was also a food outlet for plus-size women. Getting out of the taxi, Big Daddy regretted instantly coming out in nothing but a towel, as a gust of wind sent it fluttering away into a nearby tree. He turned to Jasper and apologised for his flatulence.

Ten excitement-filled minutes later they found their way to the bubble bath section. Unfortunately it was right between the ice cream section and the gossip magazines, so they had to force their way through several middle aged obese women to reach their target of the muscle relaxing bubble bath. Several outraged grunts and broken bones later, the pair got ejected from the establishment by the gruff, bearded, tattoed proprieter: Maude.

It was this recolection that was perambulating through Big Daddy's mind as, many years later, Peter Geist and Officer Panto knocked at his back door (oo-err Mrs!). He thought it was a flashback he might return to later, depending on how he was feeling at the time and whether he could think of an actual point to make it worth while.
Anyway the reason the police were knocking at his back door was because his front door had broken so he had to take it out of the frame and replace it with the back door which was in perfect working order. The fault front door was now lying on it's side in the back garden, which was now of course the front garden. Luckily not many people could see the front garden now as it was round the back of the house.

Big Daddy opened the door (back door, for reference) and Peter Geist and PC Panto could see he had been crying. All the signs were there: tears coming out of the eyes. That was it. He'd been a policeman long enough for that to be all he needed.
"Is this a good time?" asked Geist, "because if you're feeling emotionally fragile I'd rather come back when I don't have to deal with your anxieties".

To cheer up Big Daddy, Officer Panto struck up a rousing (and slightly A-rousing) verse or two of "If I were not in pantomine". After the song and dancing was over, Big Daddy sat the two officers down and a deeply tedious story about New York, but as it sounded like it contains a few important plot points, they were forced to listen. Officer Panto had to leave for a costume change and while he was out, Big Daddy leant across the table to Geist and whispered low in his ear "your flies are undone".
Giest nodded knowingly, and adjusted himself accordingly.

After leaving Big Daddy's handsome abode, Geist turned to Panto, glancing back once at the house. Panto was young and yet to secure even the most minor of roles on Broadway or in the West End, but he could tell something was bothering the ghostly detective. "What is it, sir?"
Geist looked him in the eyes for one second, then looked away, almost embarassed, as if the moment had never happened. "Never mind lad. I've just got a....feeling."

He floated away towards the busstop and Panto gazed after him, then whispered to himself (and the audience) "He's so....complex!"

That evening Geist was continuing to play the brooding detective character so he went to a bar full of lowlifes that he enjoyed to frequent. The barman eyed him suspiciously, while stereotypically drying a pint glass with a dirty rag as Geist entered. "We don't usually get many spirits coming in here!" he declaired in his deep manly voice as Geist floated onto a stool.
"Then get me a pint lager", replied the police officer sulkily. (Note. That was an effing clever joke there, so appreciate it!).
"Will water do? I have hot and cold running water. Only the best for my clientelle!"

Suddenly the bar door banged open with a bang!

"Did someone say they'd seen my son?!" bellowed Big Chief Hairback as he pushed his way through the mess he'd made of the door, as well as the couple of students who had been seated nearby sipping alcopops like a couple of nancy-boys.
"Chief! What are you doing here?" ejaculated Geist, spraying his lager all over the less-than-appreciative barman, who, thanks to being mentioned more than once, has been named Eoghan (pronounced Owen).
"I was pretending to look for my son, but since I'm here, time for a drink!"
"Right! So you do know where your son is then?"
"Absolutely!" roared Hairyback. "He's out looking for his mother and my wife" (name forgotten) 
"Why? Is she missing?"
"Absolutely!"

The plot thickens.

Get Ready with Big Daddy (Dedicated to Zoe Sugg) and Halloween Police and the Tale of Big Daddy

This edition I've decided to go for something different. Rather than tell 100% true stories from my life, and as a result of recently being introduced to the work of Miss Zoe Sugg on Youtube, I've performed my own Beauty-themed extravaganza for you all to enjoy! We hired a handsome model to pose for the shots so I was able to retain my anonymity. Prepare yourselves!

STEP ONE
First things first when I wake up, it's all about getting rid of that morning breath. If you've been necking back shots alone attending a private party then you're gonna wake up with some bare-bad breath and I find the best way to combat this is brushing them pearly whites. I favour Colgate. Also remember that if you brush your teeth you your dentist will give you stickers, which the ladies love!

No lady can resist a winning smile, and by flossing you can achieve this if you keep at it, but if you're about to go out and you need your hollywood smile in an instant, I also find Tip-ex works well! Plus then people can get high off kissing you, which means everyone's a winner!

Only a buffoon would leave the house without first applying some deodorant! Enormous sweat-patches go down as well as Jimmy Saville in a Paediatrics Wing, so lads make sure you apply that anti-perspirant!


I've decided to put "Getting Ready with Big Daddy" on hold whilst I take a look back at the roots of this blog. The rest of this post will be an omage to that exciting era in blogging, where no-one, not even myself, knew what was coming next!

I present: PC Peter Geist and the Case of the Mysterious Baggage Claim at Heathrow Airport.

One dark stormy night in the little town of Cricklebury, Police Constable Peter Geist (hilarious pun on poltergeist) was floating around the graveyard when a call came in over the radio.
"Hello? Can I do a shout-out for my wife Shaniqua, who's pregnant with our first child Ironica?" said the voice on the other end. "Also, can you play anything by Coldplay?"
"I've told you before, Big Daddy, please use this frequency for emergencies only - but I will do your shout-out! Where is your lovely wife this evening?"
"That's why I was calling Po-Po FM", replied Big Daddy, "I don't know where my wife is! She's been missing for the last week. Officer Panto came round this morning but all he did was shout "She's behind you!" and it wasn't all that helpful. I looked, but she just wasn't behind me! Then the Officer was chased away by a large pantomine horse and I never heard back from him!"

PC Geist's interest was instantly aroused. Big Daddy's wife Shaniqua was famous throughout the vallies of Wales and had once battled the great sorcerer Tom Jones on the hill of Trwnydyddlemukyilon for the much-coveted position of one of the judges on The Voice.

"I'll look into it, Mr Daddy", said the PC and told his assistant, Pissingham, to take over DJ-ing Po-Po FM (live from the Cricklebury Graveyard)  as he took the next bus to the police station. Ever since Big Daddy had incredibly solved the mystery of whatever he was doing in the first couple of stories I wrote about him (cannot remember or be bothered to check) and settled down to live the good life with the beautiful Shaniqua, Pissingham had begun living his dream as a character in a further blog of mine.

The next bus to arrive at Geist's stop was the notorious Dead Man's Hand, a creepy pirate ship captained by none other than the infamous alcoholic pirate - Captain Morgan! His was a crew of inebriates for which AA meetings were a faraway dream! They kept half the neighbourhood up with roaring laughter and off-tune karaoke parties that would have made Pierce Brosnan wince! When they weren't pissed as a fart, they openly challenged passers-by to freestyle disco dance-offs. Few of those challenged survived the experience without contracting serious dance fever.

"One single to the Police Station please, Captain!" declared the Constable.
"Certainly, officer!" replied the vicious rogue. "No officer Chuckles this evening?"
"No, sadly he was driving his ridiculously small car after a fleeing perp the other day, and when he pulled the fella over and the entire police force got out the car, the entire vehicle fell apart in a hilarious fashion. Luckily Chuckles was able to throw a bucket of glitter over the chief and and that difused the situation".
Captain Morgan raised one crooked eyebrow. "What about the other motorist? The one you were chasing?"
"Officer Panto gave chase offstage and we lost sight of both of them".

One pirate-ship ride later and PC Peter Geist (poltergeist remember! He is a ghost) arrived at Cricklebury police station and walked up the path to the front door. He cursed as he stepped in a puddle, ruining his shoes. He reached out to the door handle but his ghostly hand were straight through it! He sometimes forgot he was a ghost because as a character he'd only just been thought up, ain't continuity a bitch!
Luckily some well-established characters were just coming out of the police station, it was Ben G. Phresh and his life partner Mark Chubb!

*Canned Applause!*

"Well hello there fellas!" said Geist "last time the readers saw you two was many blogs ago in the swanky New York nightclub The Sequinned Rim. What have you been up to since?"
"G'day officer", replied Ben (of 'G. Phresh' fame), "Well quite frankly I could tell you what transpired in Quebec, and how I got my nickname 'meat-chimney', but the writer hasn't gotten around to thinking of why any of the above happened!"
"Well it's always a pleasure to see well-loved characters make a cameo in more recent blogs! Hope to see you two soon!"

Since Ben G. Phresh and Mark Chubb had opened the door, PC Geist could then float into the lobby. Going right through the lobby without stopping to talk to anyone (as there were too many distracting tangents to be caught up in), Geist floated along the corridor to the chief's office. Big Chief Hairyback had been Police chief for as long as his pet goldfish could remember.
"Ah, PC Geist!", bellowed Hairyback. If you need a mental image of what this guy looks like, this Brian Blessed but with a policeman's hat on. "Come in and meet my wife Morag Bigknockers and our son, Hotncold Running Water".

You get the idea.

What felt like hours later, but had in fact been a fortnight, our ghostly hero left the station on the hunt for Shaniqua. Having emerged from his dressing room after the intermission, Officer Panto was by his side. Geist would have preferred to have his old friend Officer Chuckles with him on this case, but apparently he had just had an accident after climbing all the way to the top of a rickety stepladder when he'd fallen into a hastily erected paddling pool.
"So we're searching for the beautiful Welsh prostitute, Shaniqua?" he all-but shouted to the audience.
"That's right, Panto", I replied.
Geist and Panto looked around, confused. That's because I, the writer, had suddenly spoken...


....carry on Geist!


"THAT'S right, Panto!" declared Geist. He wasn't in the best of moods.  Big Chief had kept him at the station until the wind had whispered the correct course of action to him (and with a woman as gassy as Morag Bigknockers around it was quite difficult what the wind was trying to tell us, except that she needed to consider a less meaty diet!). He also wasn't all that fond of Panto. Sure, the kid was a good enough policeman, but every so often he would stop to throw sweets into the audience or start singing "If I were not in Pantomime". Geist was starting to think his mind was too occupied with remembering his lines and not doing his...erm....LINE?!

Geist and Panto decided to get the number 128 bus to the Burley Estate, where Big Daddy and Shaniqua lived. As they were waiting at the bus stop, an evil-smelling old crone appeared from the shadows, cackling insanely and holding out a rosey red apple. Geist wouldn't have seen her approach were it not for the audience of children booing and hissing, as well as shouting out "She's behind you!". Panto whirled around, his face the picture of shock and surprise!
"Mother!?" he gasped.
"Yes dear", soothed Mother Panto, "You left this apple behind when you left the house this morning. You know what they say: an apple a day keeps the doctor away!"
"But Mother, that's only because he's traumatised from when his wife was run over by a greengrocer's lorry!"

If Geist had thought Captain Morgan's foul ship of sorrows was a hell on earth, he hadn't prepared himself for the grim reality of public transport. As he drifted into a seat, a mad old woman who'd chained herself to the railing in a Suffragette-esque protest to Robin Thicke's music career, shouted "ONE TWO EIGHT, BURLEY ESTATE!". Clearly this was some kind of macabre pilgrimage they had embarked upon. A gang of urban youths at the back were making battle with an epic-beard-man. The bus bent in the middle like some daemonic acordeon and I was pretty sure the driver was being assisted by some form of Wookie. Panto and I knew we were in for the ride of a lifetime, so we both disguised ourselves as escapees from an insane asylum, and blended into the crowd.

As the bus neared our destination, the Daddy Household, I nodded once to Panto and we executed our well-thought-out escape plan. I simply stepped through the window of the bus (after shattering it with the safety hammer). Panto didn't have my ghostly powers, but luckily he did have at his disposal a fully-trained stunt crew and a stage support rig so he was safely able to jump out of the open door of the moving bus, lifted by wires...and land on the other side of a nearby block of flats.

We arrived at the front door of Big Daddy's abode. Something reeked of evil, but to be honest Geist was pretty sure it was one of Morag Bigknocker's lingering woofters. Big Daddy himself opened the door and from the look on his face, I could tell that this case was only just beginning...



Next time on Getting Ready with Big Daddy....



You'll have to wait and see!