Mrer Mrer Mrer?

Okay so where to starr?
I think the last time I posted on this was about some magical adventure about a matronly character or something but let's be honest I dont have the tme to go back and check!

That was back in June and frankly it's the least inportant month of the year, even worse than May! A poor man's July, if you will!
Now it is September, turning to October, and it's bvegun to be Authumn here. Where is here? Why in England, f course! I dot know what's happened since last I posted but if this is your only source of local news then where the hell do you live?

I've recenrly become aware that my actual job should be a singer on the london underground, only recently I lit up the Northern Line all the way to Collier's Wood! People were singing along and making requests (for me to stop) all the way! Along with some pals, we sang to some great hiots by Queen, Elbvis and the Bare Necessities.

Now it's Tuesday night and I've drank half a bottole of Kirsch which is some german brandy and tastest of a bit of cherrys but is much stronger than I remember from when I last drank it.

my DVD of Zodiac arrived, which I watched recently with a friend and I found it jumps around a lot and I was able to increase the enjoyment by narating what was actually going on throughout the whole film, like my friend does when he recites the entire script of Nightmare Before Christmas.The whole bit where he ties up the students then stabs them brutally to death made me cringe!....the Zodiax killer that is, not my friend....But maybe they'er one in the same?!

So I watched Se7en recently too, and I came away with the idea that Gwynneth Paltrow framed Kevin Spacey in it as the killer. And I'm not even talking about the film, I mean in real life. Also is she the Zodiac?

Listen to the song Telstar. If it doesn't make you think of like a magical unicorn flying through space and time then you're not experiencing it correctly in my mind.

So it was the Burgess Hill bonfire night again and this time I remembered to stay off the Waltzer at the fun fayre. They may spin it very fast but it always leads to massive neck-ache and that damage to your neck I cant remember at this time but I'm sure if I said it you'd know ti, know wham sayin'?

I've started an Instagram account too. I used to think it was just a thing for people who had the wrong assumption that taking a photo and adding a pointless filter made them a photographer or an artist, and now I have adopted it ironically....or have I? Nah but mine is mainly old buildings.

That's all for now bye

This is Tom Petty - unrelated

Part 3, where the mystery and plot comes as close as it's going to to developing - and we discover who's mum is a slag

As I stepped out into the street and looked around for Salmonella (my eyes lingered on the Johns Brothers' Raw Chicken Guzzle Shack across the road) and saw the hem of her skirts disappear around a bend in the road. I pursued as fast as my legs could carry me and soon came face to face with Old Father Boa, who was the local preacherman and occasional crossdresser - who my expert eye assessed was wearing enormous skirts that was just of a similar fashion to Mrs Bathwater's own. I was understandably perturbed so backed away slowly...right into the arms of a shadowy figure dressed in rags who let out a grumbling moan! A zombie!

Okay so it wasn't a zombie. It was a lost pensioner who had been wandering the streets since the early hours and who was more or less agreeable to the idea of accompanying me on my adventure to find Mrs Bathwater. He had raggedy flared trousers and big circular glasses like what John Lennon wears in those photos where he's scowling - you know the one. He also had long grey hair and a jacket made of hemp, he was a right flower child. He said I could call him Elderflower and I could tell just from looking at him that he had some fabulous stories - that I had no interest in hearing. Also he smelled of the drugs.

So Elderflower and I were walking down the street and there's still no sign of Salmonella anywhere but I am growing uneasy because i know a woman that size doesn't just disappear into thin air, more likely she disappears into an all-night cake shop. I was aware that that's probably not a thing so we walked until we reached the edge of town. Elderflower began whooping and chanting and dancing round a tree, so as I got ready to put his lead back on and walked over to him, I noticed on the tree someone had scratched a message into the bark - Apparently José's mum is a slag. But below that message was ANOTHER message! It read:

Bring a thousand 'dollerydoos' to 129 Old Hill Road by midnight or SB gets the shit beaten out of here. Message is continued on next tree'

Elderflower cocked his head at me and I scratched my chin in contemplation. I knew dollerydoos was Australian for pounds sterling, but where would I get some dollerydoos at this time of night?

The Family Friendly Adventures of Salmonella Bathwater

As Mrs Bathwater stepped into the crowded hubbub of the bar, we were all spellbound - and not only because it wasn't even ladies night. She had an oily reputation about the town for being the sternest governess ever known. It was said she had once ruled over the well posh FitzMcSmythly household like a cross between Margaret Thatcher, that woman who always wore pink in Harry Potter but I've forgotten her name, and Wolverine (but from one of the films where he's at the top of his game, not like in Logan when he's short-sighted and coughing up a lot of blood). She had a hairdo that looked as unyielding as steel wool and eyes that looked like they might turn into werewolf eyes at any moment and she would attack with vicious claws. But, as a governess she was generally safe around children.
Anyway you may be thinking - well who the hell is telling this story, this ain't not 1st or 3rd person narrated bullshit. Well you'd be right, this is 2nd person, like Sherlock Holmes, but I ain't no John Watson I guess you could call me Marshmallow Buttercream, as that is my name. I'm a regular here at the pub and apart from a tequila sunrise my one love is my good woman, Ironica McManus. She's a fine woman, and hairy as they come!
But anyway I was melodorisising about Mrs Bathwater and as she was talking whilst I gave you my life story.
"Keep it down with the life story over there, Buttercream, I am trying to advance the plot!" she cried.
Clearly it was time to listen in!

No...no we missed it. Sorry about that. She came in briefly and waved some paper around and now she's stormed out. Bloody hell now we'll be playing catch-up with the plot for a while I guess.
Let's go outside, oh it's snowing now. It was sunny when I walked in, but that was a couple of months ago and we are in that country where the weather might change, u don't need me to tell you which one.

Let's follow Ms Bathwater and find out where she's off to in such a hurry!

The Adventures of Salmonella Bathwater - Part 1 - An Evil Smell in the Filthy Mistress

She entered the room and immediately the music stopped and all heads turned to regard her with the air of a bunch of people in a bar thinking hey who the hell is that woman?
But I already knew her. Or so I thought.

She might have just looked like someone I knew.

But it turned out then it was actually someone I knew. I think.

The bartender was wiping a dirty cup with a crusty rag and had a glass eye rolling playfully around in his face whilst the other one was covered by a roguish eye-patch. He was a total dreamboat, even though he rarely got your drinks order correct. His name was Charles McCohan and he had tales of the sea from his days adventuring and plundering lots of booty as a sophisticated oceanographer on his prize steam-yacht the Filthy Mistress. He had an anchor tatoo on his forearm so you knew he was legit.His favorite song was Sailor's Hornpipe by Henry Wood, and he knew all the words from all the songs from Muppets Treasure Island.

But anyway this lady had just barged her way unceremoniously into the bar and basically she didn't look impressed. Perhaps she'd spotted the neon signs to the ladies room that just said 'GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS' and wasn't necessarily directing ladies to a toilet. Or perhaps she'd spotted the hole in the roof, that was only there to help dispell the fumes from José's up-and-coming meth lab that Charles McCohan had allowed him to set up in the hope of finding a cure for having a glass eye (but secretly José was just cooking meth and calling everyone a bitch, like he'd seen on the telly). I think was appalled her the most was seeing that what Charles claimed was prosecco on tap was actually just fizzy water mixed with chewed up refreshers.

So as the last majestic bars of Smell Yo Dick by Riskay faded away, there she stood in the doorway, her shoes reflecting the light from the fire that was burning merrily in the corner (much to the chargin of José, who was off his tits on fumes anyhow so don't dwell on it). Her hair was tied in a tight bun that pulled the skin on her face back into a rictus grin that was like Jared Leto's Joker but less disappointing, whilst her big manly hands were wrapped around the strap of her big hooker-sized handbag. Also she had a coat on - probably because it was spitting out.

Before she said anything I could tell live was never going to be the same again, because Mrs Salmonella Bathwater was back in town - like the Boys in a Thin Lizzy song,

Happy New Year! And Christmas! And other days!

Here's a run-down of what I've been up to since November, minus anything I haven't put.

I drank a beer.

I am still trying to work out if Twitter is the most pointless thing in my day. I basically just have it for Simpsons Quote of the Day. I mean I follow Trump but it's not even as amusing as the media makes out! It's basically just him saying how great everything is going, with millions of replies that end up making me hate the humans.

I got asked why I am angry at British politics. Keep reading to find out - or read many of my past blogs.

I watched 50 Shades of Grey. I had the same sort of reaction to this 'romance' storyline as I did when I was watching the whole Twilight storything, as in there's not a lot of action in this. Apart from when he 'fucks hard' of course. Trolls was much better.

I still have not downloaded an update for Quicktime. And I never will, I dont even know what it is.


What other shocking things would you like to hear about?

Well I have not done one of these blog posts since November 2016 so perhaps some stuff has changed since then, not much for the better but I mean at least I don't have to see the news coming from the White House from anywhere in America, I mean I will be when Theresa May sells the rights of British citizens to Trump in exchange for a handjob and 5 minutes of sucking on his quiff behind the bicycle sheds in her desperate bid to be friends with that maniac. I was asked a while ago if I had a gun with one bullet and was in a room with both of them, what would you do. I replied that I'd shoot Trump because May looked easier to beat to death with the gun but. But of course I missed the obvious answer of making them stand in a row - god knows even a low-calibre bullet would go through the yawning chasm between Trump's ears and straight into the poisonous meat of May's brain, where it would no doubt melt in her acid blood. I guess you could lure Trump into position by drawing a fanny on one of the walls or something.

I've listened to some Townes Van Zandt lately. He was an American country musician but he's dead now. It's some good stuff. But you can't beat 'Zat You Santa Claus' by Louis Armstrong, whatever the time of year! the Bare Necessities is also a tune, I like to listen to it while I scratch against trees.

I'm doing a charity 26-mile hike in June. Please give money or I will regret it more than I already do. https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/emilyjacksarah?utm_id=13 - there is a link, please use it

So I binge-watched all of House, and I see what people say that all the episodes are basically same and yeah, a lot of them basically are! But the bigger problem I saw, especially in the latter series' is that he's basically an addict for a puzzle - and they just take it so mentally far. I'm surprised they didn't end it with a patient who was being uncooperative for some obscure reason, or who had a family who wanted to be as big a pain in the arse as possible, would only tell House what he needed to save their ungrateful life if he cut his own head off first - for reasons! and he'd bloody do it and all, just to show he was addicted to puzzles!
I mean overall I did enjoy it though!

Despite my clear reasoning about why pets are essentially slaves that don't do any work in my last blog (shameless self-plugging - make sure you read LET THY WORDS BE FURIOUS - great free advertisement, actually I don't really care if you read this, as I've said I only started this blog to take the piss out of my friend's blog about feelings and I don't get paid so read it or wipe ur arse on it...I mean that would be a bit of an own goal as you'd have to clean ur tablet, phone or computer monitor afterwards but yeah I just get a high off viewing figures, and before you think that might be an innuendo, it could work as one I guess!) anyway so yeah I was talking about pets and some people have said YOU'RE WRONG, MY CAT LOVES ME!!!!
They don't. You're in denial.