That moment that everyone will go through when you just have to vomit your ideas on a page and be hailed a Mary.

It's always sad when a lonesome drink-a-thon at home has to come to an end because you've run out of ice, isn't it? I mean I enjoy a good drink but I'm not a savage!

Once I found a tie-clip in a gutter! I still have it!

My speedometre in my car (obviously, I dont have one for my feet) has stopped working so all my speed is done by guess-work now.

I often walk along and need to sidestep (not cos I'm in Step-Up The Streets but just because like a dog is coming at me or there's a bin or something in the way) and I just look to my left or right expecting to have some rear-view mirrors to see if I'm stepping in someone's way as they be coming at me on my left or right. THEN I see that I am just looking ahead and to my left or right and am none-the-wiser as to how safe I am doing the aforementioned side-step - bam I've run over a dog/old person.

I've been eating a lot of spicey food recently, I've even been introduced to chorizo sausage (which isn't a crude slang term for a Spanish gigolo) which is pretty good, so I'm starting to worry am I suffering from sympathy pregnancy?

I've been slowly writing a novel about some bumbling detective and I'm thinking the villain will have some stereotype Chinese assassin henchman and I'm thinking their names could be Cli-Shay and P. King Duck. How offensive, on a scale of 1-10?

Also are there bits of cities that are so rough that even the bus service is delayed by the fact all the buses are up on bricks?

I was explaining to a friend the way The Woman In Black (in theatres) is a 2-man show (plus one scary-as-fuck woman...in black) and it came to me that maybe someone should do a one-man porno (not that I've ever watched a porno...what even is that?) and it would be great. He would have to play all the parts and put on voices and costumes and stuff...it's just a thought.

I'm singing my way through a good old Meatload album and I remember a friend of mine saying he was too passionate in his singing style and I see what they meant but it dont stop it being some phat tuneage, y'know wham sayin'? I mean I dont know wtf he's so excited about but boy is it contagious! Maybe I should just sing about everything from now on and probably be all sweaty and stuff.

Smashed off my tits

Ok so here's the diamond truth, I am smashed off my face from too much beer pong, in which I had to digest some mean spirits and I'nm like whaaaaat?
First off lwet me hit you wioth some home truthes.]
Over a yeatr ao I started this blog with the sole purpose of gettuing a cheap leaugh by pariody-ing a friend of mine who did a blog that was welll depressing! Goodness knows what she (or he) was hinking when they wrote whjat they wrote but basicallt i thought it would be good to blast it with some satire. Thsi same friend i told last year that she was one of the greatest and most beautiful women I'd ever met and that i had huge amoutns of love for her. That#'s jusgt how it goes sometimes, if u have trouble expressing yourself through any other way u use sarcasm an d whatecvern else tog et ur message across
econd, 'mn been watchign a lot of Parks and Rec lately and I totally adore Ron Swanson. I mean he's the absolute man. |He beleives in small government and although that is quite an Am3erican phrase it basically translates into 'hey goverment, stay ion the background and let us do whar we wannna doo!'
So i've been une,plotyed since November aqnd it's starting to grate on me how much my familt are pressing me to KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO CAREER-WISE even though i totally dont know! I mean I#d love to be a private detevtive but how the fuck does that even happen?
I've offered the job of secretary to all my gorgeous lady-friends buy until I solve the case of the haunted amusement park how's anyone going to take my seriusoiy?
I met a fabulously gorgous lady last night at a friend's gig and added her on facebook but she hasn't accepted me. should i take this as a chance that i will die al;one? Who knoiws but i do knwo that one of my mates said I shoulsdn't tell my mate that she's one of the top 3 most wonderful women I've ever knowns, but i dont see how that is anytrhingbutn a compluiment? UI mean let's get some fedbakc her, shall we? My mate then said that this other mate is jst jelous thatshe herself is not part of my top hree mos wondeerful laduies ever? I eam  wgar am i ever talkingf about at this piouiot?
So h's here another thing, why do the newspapers bother pytting a new headline when they could just say "goverment fucks over human beings' every day?
Time for my to go to sleep!
BOOM BIOOOM!