The Party's Over

When I say that I mean I thought about creating a political party recently. Can you get ultra-liberals?
I mean the constant upset as a liberal-minded fellow is you're constantly like omg that politician is so annoying I wish someone would just assassinate him - but then you have to catch yourself and be like oh shit no wait would that be in keeping with my liberal views?

Psycho right-wingers dont need doubts like that they be like "awww shiiitttt I'mma blow him up,
aheheh".

Can you affect real change by playing by the rules?
The rules are there to make sure the people with the money stay in charge.

The problem with a phrase such as Make America Great Again or the more humdrum British equivalent we had over here when Brexit was in the news, is that we are in a slump now and we could be as great as we once more. But when people look to the past they gloss over the bad parts like - to name a few, when women couldn't vote, or when homosexuality was a criminal offence, and look through rose-tinted lenses.

What is the point of freedom of the press when it is owned by billionaires? It has become a mouthpiece for their agendas.
Then what is the point of democracy when the people don't understand the issues, or don't care?

One of the most irritating things is how people have substituted action for opinion. Why march on the establishment when you can get 1000 views on Youtube? If those 1000 people are sitting watching your terribly life-affirming video that is guaranteed to make your jaw drop or some shit like that, then they are not fighting the injustice in this community, they are merely observing.
Sharing an opinion will a million people now is easy, in this age of the internet. But if you get bombarded by a million opinions you cannot value them. Take them all with a grain of salt.
When Michael Gove claimed that the people 'had had enough of experts' then if that was true it showed that the people are fucking idiots and their opinions are damaging, and they probably wouldn't even appreciate it.
When someone can broadcast their opinions to a huge audience they imagine that their opinion is actually valuable, when in reality if you know nothing about a subject your opinion is worthless. Hence Brexit, earlier this year. If I lived in a house with ten dogs, for instance, I am in charge but why would I ask the dogs which car I should buy? (This is assuming they could talk)

Speaking of animals I saw one of my friends who is a fanatic animal lover, posted something on Facebook that I found so distressing I blocked it in the end. Basically a dog-owner had put their dog up for adoption to a loving home because they were expecting a baby (presumably they were pregnant, not just waiting for the post) and the abuse this lady was getting from this 'animal-lovers' was appalling. They were upset because she was choosing her unborn baby over her pet.
Now don't get me wrong I understand the attachment one can feel towards a family pet, I have a cat and a dog. But this person was trying to make sure their pet was going to be taken care of because they were afraid they wouldn't be able to give it the care it deserved once their baby was born and from the responses you would think they were trying to sell it for meat.
Some women told the expectant mother that, and i paraphrase, if she had kept her 'whore legs' shut she wouldn't be in this predicament.
What is wrong with these people? I love animals and I don't want to see anyone abuse them, obviously. But that's not what was going on here. She wasn't saying - does anyone want some dog-meat and an Alsatian pelt? We have a baby on the way so have decided to slaughter the dog!
No, she advertised the dog to a loving home and gave, in my own opinion, a good reason for doing so!
I do like pets but if you pretend they're anything other than part decorative ornament and part prisoner, you are delusional.
Also people who fool themselves into thinking their pets would give two shits about them if they didn't provide food daily are silly. If you met in the wild they would run away from you or attack you. You have destroyed their natural instincts and converted them into just a plaything you use to cheer yourself up if you've had a bad day.
I'm not saying you can't have pets, but don't act like they're your friend for any real reason or post endless pictures of your 'bae' being happy to see you - of course they're happy to see you, or they will starve to death as you've locked them in a house all day.


I heard a theory that the idea of superheroes was created in order to set in peoples' minds that they themselves would not have to fight for justice because they could read or watch a superhero do it instead.
Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Ironman. They are all fictional. In real life they are not fighting crime. In a way they have become a tool of the corrupt.

My j-key on my keyboard is really sticky from when I spilt vodka all over it.

Have a great day. Fight for what you want to happen and respect your pets for the fine-tuned killing machines they should be.

This is what a pet should look like.

You'd have to be crazy not to be scared of it. Also Zorro is very sexy.

I recently had my hair cut and the hairdresser did the thing they do every time is shave the back of my neck and do a good job with that then they creep down to between my shoulders and they're still shaving, then they notice that a queue or people has formed and the hair just seems to keep going on forever, so they're like yes my work here is done for now.
I'm thinking if I get into a relationship then a touching thing to do might be shave the lady's name into my back - less permanent than a tattoo and of course reflecting the fickle nature of life - what is there one moment might be gone the next!

People who say 'just saying' are not just saying - basically what they're saying is that...well what the fuck do they even mean? I mean usually they're commenting on something they disagree with but basically don't have the balls to jump head first into the debate and open themselves up to counter-arguments. Like guys, I don't like agree with ur smoking the drugs, dude. Hey, just saying!
Oh guys, he's just saying! Well we can hardly argue with that!
Why don't u take ur just saying and just get lost, loser! We don't even like you because you're such a square. Too many corners for my liking, I'm such a circle. Like the circle of life, homie. That's why they call me Mufasa.
This is all an excerpt from an actual real-life conversation I overheard between some young people.

I watched the Mask of Zorro recently and boy is that a sexually-charged hero if ever I saw one! I was amazed at his macho-ness, his swordplay and taking notes all at once! My goodness I am trying my hardest to channel a bit of his charmingness into my day-to-day life, I hope some of the ladies in my life have noticed. and where can I get a horse?!

I started an apprenticeship recently and that involves me going to college once a week - I am the oldest person in my class of 7 and it feels very different to when I was 17 or whatever I was last time I was there, I mean I no longer feel any need to care about anyone elses' opinions and have some idea of how doing well in this could affect my work-life so there is some incentive to do well.

Being a student now who still earns a living wage means I can actually afford to go to the gym now, so I've been waking up about 5:45am to pump iron etc before work. I showered in the nude with other men and it was strangely empowering.

I've discovered the joys of the band Jive Bunny recently too that basically lived around 1990 (AD) and made insane mashups of great tunes. I would encourage you to listen to something of their's.

I'm not afraid of lettuce but I am just sensibly cautious around it.

If my last posts haven't been offensive enough for you...

It's been nearly a week since the Brexit announcement and I am drowning in the to-ing and fro-ing on social media sites about whether we should all have hope because a certain thing Will or Definately Won't happen, or whether we should just give up and dig a Fallout Shelter to hide in for the next hundred years.
One thing that is clear though, is that since last week all the proud British racists in our country feel like they have well and truly taken back their country and are celebrating by being really awful to people who aren't British enough for their liking.
The thing with a lot of racists is that they're nearly exclusively massive twat-bags that are as stupid and usually have bad grammar. I was thinking about this a lot today in between binging House on Netflix and crying with loneliness - I reckon the main reason you get all these racist cunt-nuggets is that all they have going for them is they were born in Britain, which is a country that is reasonably cool (I mean, being British, I'm not allowed to admit that cos we love to just call out our country on being shit) but yes apart from that they are socially inept bell-munching Sun-reading lady-harassing street-drinking public-area-swearing...cunts.
We all knew they existed before this week. Hell, we all went to school with some knob who just fucked around the whole time, probably bullied someone that definately wasn't you and you're definately not still upset by certain things because of it - but yes we all know someone who you're like oh em gee why are you so uneducacted in these things? SO basically if you're racist, what I'm saying, is it's because being born in Britain is the only thing you have going for you and everyone thinks you're a knob. Plus being born here didn't take any skill on your part and if you were born in some of the countries who's people you victimise you would probably have the shit beaten out of you.
I draw your attention to that video you may or may not have seen of some chav (bringing it back) who is probably about 18/19 but acts like a complete jenkem-huffer and you can see he has no shame in what he's saying and fears no reprisal from any of the nicer-looking commuters on the tram. He's not worried about any of them turning to him and saying 'listen son, shut up or I will literally blow your face up' because thats just not how we do it over here. In America they would be well within their rights to blow up the whole tram carriage with their machine guns, probably hitting a local school in the process and everyone would be like 'well, it was bound to happen wasn't it? What i want to know is, why didn't everyone in the carriage have their own assault rifle to defend themselves with' i mean let's call that American Stupid and it's very different to British Stupid. Imagine the fallout that happens if America doesn't elect Donald McTrumpDickFuckCuntKnobPooBum in November and then every Brit will be like....does that make us the stupid ones now? Imagine the mental breakdown we, as a country, will have if that happens.

So we've basically a divided nation as I write this. Social Media is an evil, in this case. It gives an equal platform to everyone, when nearly everyone's opinions are fucking stupid and not worth listening to. I don't care that Deborah from some shithole village where they have one black person living on the outskirts..i dont cre what that racist, backward arsehole thinks! You may have won the war even though you were born only about 30 years ago but so what? That was a fucking long time ago now and was fought about facism which you retardedly ignore for the fact tht we fought off foreigners so basically all foriegners are bad!

How sick is it that Nigel Farrage REPRESENTS us in the EU? He wants out, so why the fuck are we not like GTFO of Brussells then, you're literally the worst spokesperson for us there! WHO elected him there?! WHO?! That's not a rhetorical question I want names and addresses and lists of their fears!

And what about Cornwall basically saying fuck off EU but thanks for the money, oh by the way rest of the UK, we're gonna need LOADS of money from you all to stop us being so effing backwards now thanks bbz. If I was the rest of the UK, and for arguments sake I will take on that role now, I would be like toplel, Cornwall. Top. Lel. Maybe if you had more than one damned train per day you wouldn't be in this mess! We're demoting you to the Isle of Wight's understudy in backwards counties.

It is time that good, normal British public made a voice to say NO, I will not stand for this terrible racism from basically the detritus of the UK gene pool. Your voice shall be stamped out by goodwill and reason, but also I'd rather live in a harder country in which the video of that utter turd-bag on the tram was accosted by the other members of the public who would forcibly remove him from the tram and if any of them are having a bad day it should be within their rights to hold his head under the wheels...too far? Maybe but I think naming and shaming them isn't enough anymore. They clearly have no shame. We need to educate them that what they're doing is NOT okay. We, as the moderates and liberals of this country, need to stand up to this abuse and protect our friends and family wherever they come from because the future is more important than the past!

Most people will be able to trace their ancestors back to another country at some point in the last few generations - I myself am told there is some French in here somewhere - but my point is if these kinds of offensive, aggressive and stupid louts are what a pure English family tree looks like, then there's something rotten in the roots.

In other news my car is working again.

Have a lovely evening u saucy minxes - the picture below is cos da gloves are off

Everything you need to know about the EU referendum

One thing that we definitely haven't had enough of over the last 24 hours is peoples' opinions! So allow my to deposit my two cents (after I change all my UK currency to dollars and cents in the wake of the massive crash in its value)...

Would it be remiss of me to state that something dark and disturbing has long been coming for our little country? Remember all those years ago when we had an empire and it was the greatest empire the world had ever seen and we did all that amazing stuff? Well we need to get over that. Years ago.

We joined the EU in 1973, before a lot of you, myself included, were even born. Before the internet, or Rick Rolling, or even before the original release of the Rick Roll, in the 80s. Basically it was a simpler time. 

Anyway I was luring you in with tales of the past - now let me take you on a whirlwind tour of the future...

You've spent all day hearing either doom and gloom from upset Remain voters, or bigotted racism disguised as patriotism so i'm going to offer you it from a different perspective.

The UK as we have known it most of our lives has been a miserable, self-important little land and we all knew that loads of people were xenophobic (which is a fear of the unknown (i.e. foreigners (not the band who produced the absolutely tune "I Want To Know What love Is"))) or just racist in general. I remember years ago in an interview Stephen Fry said something along the lines that the average Brit suffers from a huge superiority complex which is just hiding an inferiority complex, and I think he's right. We're all brought up being told what a great country, a Great Britain (I am so pleased with myself), we all live in, and that used to be true we literally used to run a quarter of the world, but nowadays we're only top of the poles like the most drug offences in Europe or biggest teenage pregnancy - although the latter is probably hailing back to the days when if a girl wasn't pregnant by the time she was 15 then she was probably just a beard in a sham marriage - but luckily times have changed! 

I believe, more so than our corrupt upper elite and two other examples, our biggest crime has been complacency. Even in this recent referendum I think only about 70% of people voted, the other 30% probably couldn't be arsed, or was there a football match on that day? And even though for once young people actually bothered to vote - AHA! the old people came out in droves to get their own back for all the anti-social behaviour and drugs etc that the young people, especially students, always do! Plus some of them remember when we were at war in Europe - one elderly person I know actually voted leave because of the war. One young person I overheard on the train only this morning voted out because she hated David Cameron (though i guess she got the result she wanted!) 

In a way I feel sorry for old Dave. He spends years coddling the super-rich and fucking over everyone else, and the minute he actually gives a ticker's jizz for what the British public think, we, as a country, basically take a huge metaphorical shit with our clothes on. 

But, friends, not all is lost. Things are dark right now, and they won't get better without a hell-a-lot of effort. By effort I mean EVEN more than screaming onto social media (ironic) because doesn't everyone like to think they've figured it all out and must let everyone they know know that? Because whilst people are doing that then they arn't actually having to get off their arses and make the changes that will be necessary to drag this country out of this slump.

Changing isn't quick or painless , a great historic example would be our old friend and ally Joseph Stalin who actually killed more people than Hitler but we ignore that because they were people who lived in the country he was manager of, or something. Anyway when he took over control of Russia the country was a complete dive and he built them tractors and dams etc and mechanised them (which isn't to say he created Russian cyborgs) and anyway the end result was that Russia was in much better shape and nice and ready for WW2. but yeah lots of people died during these changes cos they had to do decades worth of work in very little time. 

This is a different place and time but this culture where the uneducated (and many of the snobbish educated, too, let's not label here) beleive that just because they happened to fall out of a vagina (and not just an vagina, a good old-fashioned British vagina!) on British soil that makes them better than anyone who wasn't born here. 

I still remember, from many many years ago the first time racism was explained to me (not from a sympathiser, mind) and it baffles me that anyone would think in that way. I mean the sort of people who go around saying 'oh these foreigners come over here stealing our jobs' is such shallow-minded bullshit that some people still cant grasp. If someone's better than you at a job then they damn well deserve it, u moron! 

It's tragic that immigrants are treated like the enemy in this country and one of the reasons for this is because they are some of the most vulnerable. The mega-rich basically own the 'free' press in this country, papers like The Sun, which literally tells it's readers that all the reasons their lives arn't everything they want them to be are the faults of these immigrants rather than the actual culprits, the mega-rich who are fucking them over the entire time just so they can masturbate in a pile of cash (figuratively, and perhaps literally). 

Have you ever met someone not from the UK? They're usually lovely people! Like someone from the UK except not a miserable, sarky c*nt. I have a colleague from Australia who I assisted with something and they said 'You're the best!' and with that accent I actually believed it! I didn't think 'no need to be sarcastic!' Whenever a foreign national I know is laughing at something that I find funny I have to literally plaster a smile on my face and pretend I feel anything as much as they do! I am so envious of them! 

So I bet you're wondering what we're going to do now, eh? The racists have shown that they actually outnumber the tolerant and though hatred (or haters-gonna-hate-ing, as it's now known) is the easier option I feel inspired by the likes of Mohatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jnr and Nelson Mandela who did not turn to the ways of violence but wished to change opinion by peaceful means despite the huge barriers put up whenever you try to have a sensible debate with people who might as well be programmed to be ignorant and intolerant. 

At this moment in time we have demonstrated not only that the majority of the people do not wish to remain in the EU, but also perhaps that as a country we do not deserve to be part of something better. A near-even split of opinion says, to me, that things have to change.

This cultural cancer of xenophobia and intolerance needs to be removed from the top down, from the likes of the Brexit leadership and the media-moguls like Rupert Murdoch right down to those at the bottom of the heap who are told by the rich to direct their anger at those most vulnerable within society.

If you believe in this country, like I do, then don't ever give up. You're not alone. Sometimes one has to stare over the lip of the bottomless pit before one knows to pull back and take a deep breath.

Pulling together and embracing our neighbours or all nationalities is the best way to defeat these power-hungry fear-mongerers. 

They are the true villains we need to take our country back from - before they divide up the assets and sell the rest of it for scrap.

Save the future of your country 

Don't hate - educate.

Cookies, Sponges, Vodka, Kids, Pepper & Mail Order Brides

Website Cookies - has anyone EVER clicked on 'please learn more'? More and more often whenever you go on a website (I guarantee most of your minds instantly went to something filthy there, but no, ANY website, no matter how innocent) you get some message up about them using cookies and just to let you know so you can go "OK now can I get on with these dirty pictures I was researching?" but I saw one just now - on Blogger in fact! - that had 2 options. You could either click on something like 'OK got it' or there was the 'Learn More' option and I was like: who clicks that? What happens if you do click it? Is it like in films where there's a secret book in a bookcase where if u pull it out (the book, I'm talking about) and it opens a secret doorway and the designers of this were like "well that book is so obscure that no-one will ever pull it off the shelf! What happens if the librarian takes the book down for dusting or some weirdo with a vested interest in...oh i dont know...underwater sponge-farming (?) comes along and wants to get it out?
Let me reiterate I am not talking about him getting his penis out - unless his has a HUGE interest in sponge-farming.
And are the sponges you use in the bath the same as the sponges they have in the sea? If so that's a most undignified way to treat a dead body - it would be like a mortician getting a dead body at work and failing to think of a good simile!
Anyway the point is instead of a batcave sort of opening thing they should probably just have a key, or if they want it to stay hidden what's the secret entrance doing in a public place with high food traffic anyway? I mean if the secret agent wanted to get in they'd have to wait for the area to be empty which in a library would mean if you had it in the really boring sections then that's where TV has taught me rowdy teens go to 'make out' and if it's in the exciting sections then there would be normal people there...looking at books and whatnot!
But in the end I don't really have any interest in how cookies work and do teenagers even know what a library is anymore? If they want information they just go online and get cookies! THUS THE CIRCLE IS COMPLETE!

Different brands of vodka. So now I'm properly employed again and only have rent back-payments and credit card debt to worry about I figure I can treat myself and went shopping today to restock my near-bare (not even close to being bare) alcohol cabinet. I bought a litre bottle of Smirnoff to start with but was then thought to myself, I've got a bit of cash floating around now maybe I should purchase the stronger more upmarket stuff?
I have bought scotch a couple of times mainly to look sophisticated and that time I vowed not to drink anything younger than 10 years old - i even lugged it up Ben Nevis to drink in drunken glory at the top - I must go back and complete that bold undertaking one day, but first I'll need to assemble a wily team of adventurers.
But yes so I got  litre of Smirnoff for £15 and this Grey Goose was 350ml for £19! I was tempted just to say Yes I don't buy just the cheap shit anymore! I dont care if it tastes the same!

I was reading my book in the garden yesterday in the sunshine and it was lovely. There were even children outside playing (I will have to defend myself here and say, for formality's sake that I'm not a paedophile, just to clear things up) anyway I couldn't see them but could tell they were playing on the grassy knoll adjacent to my house and all of a sudden I can hear one of them loudly squawking the John Cena theme music - I felt kinda proud and also like what has become of our youth?


Ironman & Pepper Potts - So I'm marathoning Marvel movies now just in case I, somehow, drag myself to the cinema and see Civil War. it's not that I'm not excited about it, I so am, but I just never seem to bother to go to the cinema much.

Oh be less fun!

Anyway that's not really the point. The point I'm making here is, let's all get hatin' on Pepper Potts, specifically her in Ironman 2 where she is, as Honest Trailers put it, 'an inconsistant nag' but I would go further and say all she seems to do in the film is try to ruin Tony Stark's day and I'm like Tony you're blatantly (spoiler alert) the coolest Marvel hero what are you doing with this massive downer of a girlfriend who only seems to put you down and get in the way. You could count the productive things she does in that film on one hand - one hand that was caught in a fireworks accident and has no fingers, but even if it did they would be down down down! She's supposedly running the company throughout the film but because you never really see her do anything except scowl at everything and be catty at Tony or Black Widow you're like go away Pepper. Go away forever. In the other films she just is not that annoying!
The rest of the film is quality though, in case you haven't seen since it came out about 6 years ago...

Mail Order Brides sound a bit sleazy at the best of times, bought by men who are too horrifying and to attract a woman based on their charisma or charm so have to purchase one, like a live-in prostitute and housekeeper. Wow I surprised myself with the bluntness of that sentence.
Anyway that's not what I want to dwell on here - what I was to say is...doesn't 'mail-order' sound a bit old fashioned? Surely it's time to update to Email-order brides? It would save postal costs and be there instantly!

Thanks for making the last issue the most-read one yet! Well done you guys. I reward you spiritually!

Beard Sloth Piss Henry Snooze Werewolf Poop Leonard Vlog...

Hiding food and drink in my beard

Right so I've done a wonderful optical illusion and had my hair cut right back so it's actually shorter than my beard and as a result people keep coming up to me and asking them to chop down a tree or sing on a log floating down the river or put on women's clothing and hang around in bars (Monty Python fans only, that last one). So yes I have a beard now and if I'm eating or drinking I have been known to have food or drink stick in it - for instance i spent a good morning with beans all round half my face and the person i was with never told me - but joke's on her because I was able to enjoy a flavoursome surprise later in the day. Also it has practical use as I can stroke and twirl it - Stroke and Twirl incidentally is my new upcoming Broadway musical about two old aged pensioners learning the Foxtrot...unfortunately it's running up against Twirl and Stoke, a one-woman play about the joys of eating chocolate bars whilst petting her pussy. That's the family-friendly version anyway, there's also the post-watershed version of Twirl and Stroke where the lady is pleasuring herself on a Waltzer.

Super Sloth
I was inspired by that video you may or may not have seen about that policeman picking up a sloth trying to cross the road and it stretches out it's claws and they do the inspirational music from Space Jam. I thought to myself, Superman has that pet dog that has superpowers and Batman has some sort of magic robin to help him - what if a superhero had a sloth? And so Supersloth was born, he's super fast...for a sloth. Oooh it could be the Flash's sidekick! he can move as fast as your average lazy cat. Other sloths would be absolutely mind-blown by this sloth's speed.

So I found out that if you drink loads of water and your urine becomes clear it means you're well hydrated (my usual luminous tone isn't the ideal, appaz, i mean it looks like an American Fanta! And for anyone who's never seen that it's like if you hollowed out an orange and have a rave inside it. Needless to say it would have to be a pretty exclusive guest list, isn't room just just anyone inside your average satsuma, know wham sayin'?) Anyway so I've been ill lately with flu and had a horrible cough and been drinking loads of water (otherwise i prefer not to touch the stuff) and I lost a stone, and also my pee was completely clear! (Incidentally I just went for a wee and it was clear but i think that's just cos I'm peeing pure vodka now rather than it being healthy) So I was thinking - oh that looks pretty healthy, but what happens if I kept up that disturbing behaviour, would it eventually pee pure light?
Discuss.

Okay so some of you might rememebr the Horrid Henry series of books, and one has stuck with me with decades. Let me set the scene...So asically Horrid Henry's main character trait is that he's a complete c@*t but they can't say that cos it's a children's book. So there's a single peach left in the fruit bowl he wnts it but his mum says 'no son u mst ask everyone else in the house and if any of them want it then basically fuck you son, you were a mistake'...it's a rough story to tell the children.
Anyway he goes to his Dad and he's like 'boy, boy I say, BOY, you ask your mother she knows I won't eat anything with any hair on it!' Anyway so then i dont remember what happens but he goes to his room/masturbatorium (althought he's quite young so maybe he doesn't so that yet) anyway he puts up a 'do not disturb' sign so he's blates up to something dodgey. Probably running girls or something. So basically he coems out later and his mum's like "Lol you daft @$nt your sister's gone and eaten that peach" cos you had ur do not disturb sign up she wouldn't have to ask your permission, DICK" and he was like "oohhhh shiiiittt"
Anyway the point of this is I dont know what lesson this teaches children except that if u play by the rules you'll get fucked over. So basicall rise up against the system! HORRID HENRY BOOKS WERE TRYING TO BREED ANARCHY

Missing out on sleep? Eff you. Basically I've heard from people "oh my daze it was Satrtuday and I woke up at 08:00 so i didn't get a lay-in! I'm like so what? Just stay in bed! How terrible is it that u didn't wake up at like 11:00 and it's not like u would appreciate it cos you'd be unconcious anyway - daft sod

Jazz Werewolf - a mate gave me this idea cos basically you know how Jazzicians go OWWWWW...like OWWW BAYBEE! and a werewolf also does this so abasically if u combined the two it would be mindblowing. I mean it would be pretty scary cos i mean a werewolf would be trying to chew the fuck out of you, unless it was one of thw one's from Twilight. I'm going to see the finale of Twilight soon so I have to come dressed as team Jacob and just wear some denim shorts.  I would do it too but there would have to be a gang of women chasing me all over town and I'd have to hire a caretaker to follow us round with a mop to clean up after them. (If you've been offended by any of this, then quite frankly I'm not surprised)

Banned from Embarrassing Bodies - I've been so ill lately that Dr Christian Grey would be like 'boy, boy I say BOY (cos he's from the deep south...wait is this bit still him talking? You never closed the speech marks you bellmuncher!)" There we go! Basically i said on FB that if I honestly said what state my body is in then my account would be removed and I would be taken to a secret governemtn testing facility. I won't go into it here but just think of the words "pee, vomit, paint, froth and chafing' and you'll get a pretty fabulous idea of what was going on.

Listening to Leonard Cohen and Lordi - the closest I got to being a goth was when Lordi won Eurovision in whatever year that was and I got a bit into them then just felt sad a lot of the time haha but anyway I got some Leonard Cohen the other week and that was alright [END OF ANECDOTE]


As to my upcoming vlog which is slowly coming together, let it be known I've just signed the quality and not at all made-up band JT & the Thighmasters as the House Band and have a plethora of fine guests booked! it IS being made so watch this space!

5 Great Jenkem recipes - how to impress your friends.

I've never been more excited about catching a mole in MI5 as when they did just that in Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy and the song that plays over the finale is 'La Mer' by Julio Iglesias, it's an absolute baller and I would recommend it immensely! I was like HELL YEAH take that [spoiler alert] that's the last time you sell our secrets to those pesky Russians!
So
That was an exciting anecdote and if it's more of that you want, then stay tuned!
Shortly after my last literary ejaculation at the end of January I got a job in the City Planning department of the council, pushing pens and whatnot. An unforeseen benefit of this is that when I had to tell a lady I met what I did, I didn't say 'I'm a receptionist' and cause everyone to lose interest, i got to say "I work in City Planning" which sounds way more impressive (or is it just me that thinks that?).
My first payday since Christmas is coming up this week and I am understandably excited! I've been living (and living well) off my credit card for the last few months so will need to pay off some of that enormous debt but still, actual hard currency will be a delight to have for a few days before I am bankrupt again.
So this new job - tragically - is easier to get to by taking the train than by car. I say easier, of course it isn't easier! Nothing done by train is easier. If you were in a competition where you win by being a train it would still be easier to win by being a car and somehow coming across as locomotive-like. I mean if I literally lived at the train station and my car was permanently on fire it would still be easier by car. What I meant to say was it is a tiny bit CHEAPER to get the train so the pragmatic part of my brain insists that's what we must do.
As a result, for the last few months I've been a suffering commuter by public transport. I've endured delays and cancellations and worst of all - my fellow passengers. As a a reasonably thoughtful passenger I tend to have my music off in the train and read my book - but lately I've had to had my sound-cancelling headphones on but with no music playing just the drown out the really annoying half-heard shite that other people are listening to. From what I can hear it's someone having some sort of fit whilst operating an electric drum machine and this is the garbage that these people choose to listen to really loudly.
It's not that I don't get that sort of dance-music but why would you like to listen to it in a scenario where there is no dancing? Like in the car for instance? I was in a taxi the other week and it was about 3am and the taxi driver had a banging base note playing for ages and it didn't seem to change at all for the entire journey!
I have a friend who will read this and call me 'such an old man!'

Also I've been quite ill for the last week and today I went to the doctor's and found out I was experiencing the fag-end of flu. Only the week before I had been thinking it would be lovely to have a week off work (after a few months of unemployment, 7 whole weeks of working can really take it out of you) but coughing one's guts up all day long unless you're on an endless drip of water is a bit of a ball-ache - though I have made the most of QI on Netflix. In my opinion it's probably my favourite panel show of all time - even beating such classics as Never Mind the Buzzcocks or I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Having said that though I do love both those other ones...though I think Buzzocks was best when Simon Amstell was host, though I did only start watching it then and missed nearly all of Mark Lamarr's time as host.
Okay ladies and gentleman I got distracted and read the entirety of the Never Mind The Buzzcocks wikipedia page and found out that it was CANCELLED last year! Never let it be said this blog is all laughs and no information.

I realise it's been nearly two months since my last issue of this blog so I'm going to say now I will try and make these more frequent and also a promise there will be no drop in quality. Some people have said the thought of the quality being poorer is literally impossible and I will try not to let them down!

Also plans are well under way for the as yet untitled VLOG where I aggressively interview people into giving up embarrassing secrets - so keep a weather eye out for that!

That moment that everyone will go through when you just have to vomit your ideas on a page and be hailed a Mary.

It's always sad when a lonesome drink-a-thon at home has to come to an end because you've run out of ice, isn't it? I mean I enjoy a good drink but I'm not a savage!

Once I found a tie-clip in a gutter! I still have it!

My speedometre in my car (obviously, I dont have one for my feet) has stopped working so all my speed is done by guess-work now.

I often walk along and need to sidestep (not cos I'm in Step-Up The Streets but just because like a dog is coming at me or there's a bin or something in the way) and I just look to my left or right expecting to have some rear-view mirrors to see if I'm stepping in someone's way as they be coming at me on my left or right. THEN I see that I am just looking ahead and to my left or right and am none-the-wiser as to how safe I am doing the aforementioned side-step - bam I've run over a dog/old person.

I've been eating a lot of spicey food recently, I've even been introduced to chorizo sausage (which isn't a crude slang term for a Spanish gigolo) which is pretty good, so I'm starting to worry am I suffering from sympathy pregnancy?

I've been slowly writing a novel about some bumbling detective and I'm thinking the villain will have some stereotype Chinese assassin henchman and I'm thinking their names could be Cli-Shay and P. King Duck. How offensive, on a scale of 1-10?

Also are there bits of cities that are so rough that even the bus service is delayed by the fact all the buses are up on bricks?

I was explaining to a friend the way The Woman In Black (in theatres) is a 2-man show (plus one scary-as-fuck woman...in black) and it came to me that maybe someone should do a one-man porno (not that I've ever watched a porno...what even is that?) and it would be great. He would have to play all the parts and put on voices and costumes and stuff...it's just a thought.

I'm singing my way through a good old Meatload album and I remember a friend of mine saying he was too passionate in his singing style and I see what they meant but it dont stop it being some phat tuneage, y'know wham sayin'? I mean I dont know wtf he's so excited about but boy is it contagious! Maybe I should just sing about everything from now on and probably be all sweaty and stuff.

Smashed off my tits

Ok so here's the diamond truth, I am smashed off my face from too much beer pong, in which I had to digest some mean spirits and I'nm like whaaaaat?
First off lwet me hit you wioth some home truthes.]
Over a yeatr ao I started this blog with the sole purpose of gettuing a cheap leaugh by pariody-ing a friend of mine who did a blog that was welll depressing! Goodness knows what she (or he) was hinking when they wrote whjat they wrote but basicallt i thought it would be good to blast it with some satire. Thsi same friend i told last year that she was one of the greatest and most beautiful women I'd ever met and that i had huge amoutns of love for her. That#'s jusgt how it goes sometimes, if u have trouble expressing yourself through any other way u use sarcasm an d whatecvern else tog et ur message across
econd, 'mn been watchign a lot of Parks and Rec lately and I totally adore Ron Swanson. I mean he's the absolute man. |He beleives in small government and although that is quite an Am3erican phrase it basically translates into 'hey goverment, stay ion the background and let us do whar we wannna doo!'
So i've been une,plotyed since November aqnd it's starting to grate on me how much my familt are pressing me to KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO CAREER-WISE even though i totally dont know! I mean I#d love to be a private detevtive but how the fuck does that even happen?
I've offered the job of secretary to all my gorgeous lady-friends buy until I solve the case of the haunted amusement park how's anyone going to take my seriusoiy?
I met a fabulously gorgous lady last night at a friend's gig and added her on facebook but she hasn't accepted me. should i take this as a chance that i will die al;one? Who knoiws but i do knwo that one of my mates said I shoulsdn't tell my mate that she's one of the top 3 most wonderful women I've ever knowns, but i dont see how that is anytrhingbutn a compluiment? UI mean let's get some fedbakc her, shall we? My mate then said that this other mate is jst jelous thatshe herself is not part of my top hree mos wondeerful laduies ever? I eam  wgar am i ever talkingf about at this piouiot?
So h's here another thing, why do the newspapers bother pytting a new headline when they could just say "goverment fucks over human beings' every day?
Time for my to go to sleep!
BOOM BIOOOM!