Then the cat came along and clawed me right in the penis.

So here are some facts.

My body hair.
My back is so hairy I was out swimming with a friend and she rushed over me to tell me that she had spotted another person in the pool who had a hairier back than me. I have spent many an evening painfully plucking it back over my shoulders. I would go get it waxed just so I could live a normal life, but the rest of me is also so hairy that it would be a noticeable bald spot and frankly look weird.
During the summer a couple of years ago I spotted someone at the beach with a hairy chest (like mine) but his back had no hair on it! Frankly I thought he must be some kind of supermodel.
Also I worry that if I shave it (or any other body part, you may as well know) it will only grow back...more powerful than ever before! But in the meantime (and I know this from experience) if one does shave one's gentleman's area it will grow back as stubble. The horror of that doesn't bare thinking about. It's the same with nostril hair. Once I plucked a nostril hair out (which was a painful enough experience in itself) that about about 2 inches long.
Once on a drunk dare I had the hair around my nipple scorched with a lighter. I think the others at the party make a bigger deal of this than is necessary, but then I always did party hard. It was a good party!

My feet.
Two of my friends are horrified at my big toe-nails because they are are much more curved than your average toe-nails (which I know because when you're not looking, I am inspecting your toe-nails and comparing). They don't freak me out as they've always been like that. During my college years I had a nasty pain that sprung up in my right foot that felt like, I imagine, the bone that runs along from your large toe back to your ankle had a crack in the middle widthways and occasionally separated. Anyway it was quite painful but it's stopped now.

On another note, a friend of mine just asked my advice on this matter (in confidence):  "There's this girl I'm speaking yo on tinder. Really pretty, but all face shot. Where's the line at if I ask her how much she weighs?"

It was a tough one...on the one hand she might be very offended then my friend has probably messed up his chance with this. But on the other, we all know there's only one reason for full-face shots, and the last thing I wanted to do was pressure my friend into asking her for a date only for him to be very upset when she isn't the supermodel he's hoping.
Then again, what I actually said was "put yourself in her shoes", which I know is a bit of a cliché but let's think about it. Imagine for one moment, guys, that you're this girl on tinder. If you're a girl, imagine you're a different girl on tinder. Some guy you've never met has just asked how much you weigh. How would you feel?
Obviously my friend fell to his knees at this epiphany and swore to change his womanising ways.

Before I end this blog I'd like to big up a musician I've become a big fan of. His name's Jamie Knox and he's from Brighton. He's on iTunes I'd recommend his stuff highly!

What kind of house are you? Don't let Facebook tell you!

"...shrinks a man's penis length by a centimetre!"
"You talking about your face?!" LOL
"No, smoking!"

Hilarious lolz that carry a serious health warning. Then we went on to say how some penises have their end centimetre made up entirely of 'dick cheese'. That's when the conversation got a bit low-brow.

Then I had an idea.

Announcing the return of Peter Geist and the Cricklebury Police Department in:

Peter Geist and the Mysterious case of Mystery! (feat. Wyclef Jean)

It was a dark and stormy night. According to UKIP this was due to immigrants but PC Geist was PC in more ways than one and didn't hold with such tittle-tattle. He said as much to his close friend Wyclef Jean.
"I say, Wyclef Jean, I don't hold with this theory I am reading in this here. It says the author is just reusing the same beloved characters and jokes from the last epic adventure, except with the odd cameo from a well-known celebrity!"
"I think that unlikely" replied Wyclef (Jean) with a knowing look in his eyes.
"Well that's good then" couter-replied Geist, in a manner Wyclef Jean knew meant that the author was running out of ideas for this scene.
In the next scene, Geist was floating down the street on his way to the newsagents to get his favourite pornographic magazine, Ghost Rider. It combined Ghost-sexy-times, motorbikes and Nicholas Cage.

I went and had a bath whilst listening to some Simon Amstell stand-up material on youtube, it was very therapeutic. Now I'm wearing nought but a towel.

Anyway back to Geist, but this time I will insert a plot. Let me think of one - OK I have one! Also there is no more Wyclef Jean.

Geist let the papers fall from his ghostly hand, where they fluttered to the station floor. "I can't believe it" he excaimed. "Wyclef Jean, missing!?"
"That's right, Peter. I received this ransom note from kidnappers saying he'll be Gone Till November at least!" Big Chief Hairyback was not at all pleased. "Someone has to find him! He was supposed to be performing here at the Cricklebury super-stadium and as soon as people find out about him missing they will be clamouring for a police response with A Million Voices!"
"I don't get it, chief. According to everyone we've asked he was the Perfect Gentleman!"
"Well it might be time to get out there and crack some head and whatnot, whatever you rogue police officers do!"
Geist frowned. This was going to impact upon his evening plans with the delightful Miss Cricklebury 2013. Plus the narrator had already said that Wyclef Jean wasn't in this blog anymore, so the chances of fighting him were slim. He decided to go with his gut and went to the newly opened Cricklebury branch of that most popular of nightclubs, the Sequinned Rim, where this story really begins!

Geist was wearing his best suit and second best smile as Miss Cricklebury 2013 stepped into the bar area and cast a warm smile in his direction. Geist could tell at a glance she was all woman. He hadn't sensed such raw sexual potency since he'd validated his free weekend at the local bowels lawn for the over 60s. Nervously adjusting his novelty Ghostbusters tie and hoping he didn't cover the good woman in his own premature ectoplasm, he stood and up and approached her.

At this stage you have about as much of a clue as to where this is going as I do.

Big Chief grunted and turned to the rest of the room. "Well it seems Geist isn't taking this case after all! Which one of you lackwits wants this Wyclef Jean nonsense?"
One after the other the policeman looked guiltily to the next man in line. This case looked about as attractive as Miss Cricklebury 1913 before she'd put her makeup on in the morning, and the Chief knew it. He picked someone at random and bellowed "YOU THERE! You can do this for me?"
"Erm, Gov...That's your own reflection" pointed out Officer Chuckles from where he sat with his feet up on his desk. As Big Chief turned from the full-length mirror he'd been expostulating at, he saw one of the young detectives who didn't warrant a funny name creep up on Chuckles and pull Chuckles' chair out from under him. But Chuckles didn't fall, he just remained exactly as he was! It was effing hilar!
"Well" said Hairyback as the station fell about in hysterics at the humour on display, "I'm still going to take this case myself! I haven't done any real hands-on police work since I fingered that entire gang at the over 60s bowels club for running onto the lawns and grabbing the other players' balls!".

And thus was the scene set for what could only be described as the sequel to the previous filthy adventures of Geist and the kru!

And here is a picture of a magic cat

"Nothing is deep anymore!" -audible gasps, then some idiot whispers "wow that's deep". NO IT ISN'T!

So I've been trying my hand at getting in on the internet dating scene what all the kids are raving about (whatever 'raving' means) anyway I went on one date with this lovely girl -but then she said there was no chemistry so I went home and cried and wanked - anyway so anyway on Tinder you get several pictures to put up blah blah blah anyway so my mate pointed out that he didn't want to get with any lady who had a kid so he said it was always very risky for a lady (or gent, come to that matter) to put up a picture of themselves with a child in it, just in case the opposite sex looking at their pictures were scared away (or, as my friend has just said "in case they fancied children").

How many people became Bird Watchers after being caught searching for 'Great Tits' on their PC?


Schindler's Lisp - the shocking story of one man's struggle to make Nazi prison camp guards understand which Jews he wanted.
Schindler's Slit - the shocking story of one man's struggle to write a list whilst battling dyslexia.
Schindler's Wrist - the shocking story of one man's struggle against repetitive strain injury whilst writing a long list.
Schindler's Pissed - the shocking story of one drunk man's struggle to wrist a legible list.

I just got ridiculed for referring to my 'friend's massive metal dildo as - well I cant even remember what i called it, but apparently it's called HEAVY METAL. True story.

Loan Shark vs Dr Octopus - The terrifying story of Dr Octopus....well I don't really know what would happen, but I assume it would be great.

Illegal Alien vs Sexual Predator - the terrifying story of a gang of illegal immigrants as they follow clues on the hunt for a monstrous rapist and murderer. This actually sounds promising.

"What is a Solange?"
"It's Beyoncé's sister"
"And what does it do?"

On tinder:
Say no to that one! she has a weird name!
What, Siobahn?
Yeah it's weird.
Why is it not spelt any way at all like how it sounds?!
What do these women even want from their lives?
These women are all morally bankrupt!


I recently told a friend that her mother doesn't know how to use a chair as she spends all her time sitting on men's cocks! She was suitably upset.