Of course I'm annoyed at you, don't you remember what an arsehole you were in a dream I had?

WHY DOES THIS DAMN SPELLCHECK NOT RECOGNISE ARSEHOLE?! HAS IT NEVER LOOKED IN A MIRROR?! IT DOESN'T HAVE EYES? HOW DOES IT KNOW WHAT I'M TYPING THEN?!

I was thinking today what's to stop me spending all my time making money, or planning how to accumulate more money? I enjoy having money, I enjoy receiving money, so why has this thought never occurred to me?
Then I was thinking there must be a way to shed some of my extra padding without losing money in the meantime. Now that I've left the gym, I do like having the pressure of making my membership costs worth it taken away, but I am reverting to my pre-gym doughy physique. The cost of resupplying my wardrobe with large clothes will probably be greater than the gym was anyway!

My attempt at improving my image in the last 5 minutes just resulted in some painful nostril-plucking! Luckily I've mixed a mighty concoction of Jeeves and Lemonade, and it's surprisingly edible.

Anyone reading the news on the radio will have heard about the Malaysian airliner that has simply vanished this week. The authorities apparently no longer think it's the work of terrorists and they can't find any debris in the sea! But they did find a life-raft but apparently it wasn't connected, so I dont know if they bothered to pick up the people aboard!
Conspiracy theorists are already feverishly wasting everyone's time by spouting their bullshit, so here is my story!
In the Spring of '09 I was involved in a high-speed car chase in my mini with some brackish thugs in another car (obviously)...(I mean they clearly weren't in the back seat of my car, or on foot)...anyway so yes for reasons I don't care to share I believe these fellows are also behind this disappearing airliner. I dare you to disprove me.

I've created a cocktail called the Pro-Footballer. It's quite thick, is ridiculously expensive, and a good one has quite a kick to it!

Another thing that has been playing deeply on my mind is The Gentleman Bastards. They are the favourite thing of one of my friends and I'm going to tell you all about them. They're a very popular band from Germany who are trying to reinvigorate the love of disco that claimed much of the world in the 70s. Their lead singer, Horatio, has a blonde mullet and enjoys showing groupies his enormous collection of retro scarves from Russia. Peter, the moody bassist, is also a moody racist. It's just the two of them. Horatio just sings and Peter plays a thrumming bass note, but they don't use any other instruments and everyone thinks it sounds pretty shit. Except my friend Sam. He likes them.

Speaking of having a talent for endlessly producing songs that are shit, I didn't enjoy Tinie Temper's new song. It sounds, as I put it on twitter (@Jacksummers1990 #shamelessplug) it sounds like they let some idiot get ahold of a rhyming dictionary and make any effort it would take to make all those rhyming words connect into a 'song'. I find it equally hate-able and diabolical as all his other songs which are all just garbage with him going 'YEAAHHH' endlessly and doing nonsense hand-gestures to show what a badass he be. I'd give it a shit out of ten.

Escucha mis historias o para siempre te lo pierdas!

I ask that before you read the below, you open the following link and play it while you read. It's like a freakin assault on the 5 senses. Your eyes, your ears, your nose (cos you nose it's all good) and your sense of decency. Also you feel good.
I've given up Facebook for lent. Or that's what I've told the public...
The spell check on here is rather irritating. There's no option where you right-click and 'ignore this, I knew what I was typing. I don't care if you've never heard of funtastic! I'm in charge here!'

I'm trying this grown-up thing called budgeting (the sad truth is I'm now doubting all my spelling) CURSE YOU SPALLCHECK!.....DAMMIT!

So yeah budgeting, I found a good way to save money. I ran out of vodka the other day and rather than buy more I've just bought loads of energy drinks to mix with the questionable spirits i have lurking in my cupboards! I'm a budgeting genius!
Also for lent I've decided to, as some of my friends say, 'cut the fat'. Don't fear, I can assure you this has nothing to do with exercising (another thing I told myself I would start doing)! Basically you go through your social diary and get rid of people you think you're too good for anymore!
By the way if you're reading this and notice I no longer follow you on facebook (@JackSummers1990 #shameless self-plugging) then put two and two together and get one whole 'yeah this is awkward' basically you might have been one of those people who are too hard to get hold of or basically keep bailing or not bothering to see me, so are you a true friend anyway? Either that or you are a true friend but I dont need reminding of what you're doing ever. Like people who used to appear on my newsfeed on facebook (back in the day before i deactivated it, did I mention that's what I did?) so if u appeared on my newsfeed too often you were unintentionally drawing my ire! Or if you keep putting baby pictures up. That's a surefire way of making me be all like d'awwwww then 'snawwwwwww' see what I did there? Who else noticed 99% of babies don't get cute until they're a few months old? Also staring down a baby is a surefire way of getting it to stop crying, at least 50% of the time.

"Hello handsome, you single?"
"I prefer the term 'alone'"

I also got rid of my snapchat as part of my slow majestic retreat into social obscurity. The truth is that I never got any snaps I cared for! As someone wise at work said today "I wish I had me as a friend"
But then again this was the same colleague who compared me to Cyril Sneer from The Raccoons, then showed me a picture and I had a childhood flashback!

I had to give a very lazy explanation of the Crimean crisis (it's in all the news) to a friend the other day. She...or he....no I lie it was a she. She was all like UP IN MA GRILL I mean she was like 'I do agree that Ukraine are in the wrong. I mean isn't Crimea part of Russia?" I was like lolmate

Also my brother has started 'streaming' on the internet, but dont worry it's all legit. He plays a game, and other people watch him play! It's genius!

You know what a banging beat is? Definately 'I'm the Man' by Aloe Blacc. I would like to see a Ski Sunday remix (it's probably on youtube, let's check!)
OKAY so why can you search for 'Ski Sunday Remix' on youtube but nothing that comes up in a ski sunday remix?

Ohmydaze lyric-videos are amazing, they combine the magic of music with the joys of reading.

What does the term 'kingdom come' even mean? Also when you think about it what does the term 'very much' even mean? Like thank you very much? Read it out and those words dont even belong together! Thank you...very...much?

I'd so buy a cd of hits sang by bad karaoke singers. I found it most soothing when they had a singer on the radio today singing the hits of Beyoncé.

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?!

So here's the true-life story of how I was listening to Know Your Damn Role and thinking of asking my beautiful friend in America to find out why a Celtic gang based in Kansas City is following me on Twitter. She loves Sherlock so I can only guess that she will take me up on this amazing investigation.
True story.

I've created the Ski Sunday/Know Your Damn Roll Mashup Remix. It's diabolical. In a good way.