What?!

I'm riding on a wave of fury and so I think tonight it's possible to finish this story once and for all time (until the inevitable film).

Last time we saw PC Geist he was in a alcohol-fueled daze following Big Chief Hairyback's curious incident in the strip club. With Big Daddy's, and now Big Chief Hairyback's wives missing, presumed hilarious.
Geist got ahold of the chief and dragged him out into the street. His mighty viking helmet was badly askew. His mighty war-axe had had to be abandoned, wedged in a street sign that "LOOKED AT ME FUNNY". His mighty horse, Chonsy, was similarly inebriated, so Geist dragged the immobile Chief to the nearest airport and booked them a flight to JFK airport, New York City. It was time to wrap up this tale.
While they waited for their flight, Geist called the police force in NYC to let them know he'd need a couple of rooms for a few nights, he couldn't think straight with all this alcohol in him i mean I'm njot a bloody travel agent wtf? Anyway they picked up the phoen and the bloody story continues...

"Yee haw this is the NYPD, this is Officer Rachel Prejudice, how can I help you?"

He hung up.

The rest of the police force arrived within the hour. PC Panto had finished whatever he was doing (insert something hilarious later, sure I won't forget) and had booked enough room in a NYC travel inn for him and his supporting players as well as the stage and sound crew and a pantomine horse. Officer Chuckles wasn't allowed on flights for safety reasons, so he would have to fly his way across the Ocean on a single balloon squeezed into the shape of a nice doggy. Also along for the trip were the other two characters in this story, making a grand return from early editions of Let Thy Words By Furious were Big Daddy and his assistant Pissingham, who had luckily already booked a flight. The mighty host was assembled. Next stop: The Sequinned Rim.

OH EM GEE it's liked over a year ago the author planned this to be an amazing return to the beginnings of the entire blog.

After 8 hours of flight-banter, the police force were thoroughly sick of one another. And life. #Standardflight

"Who did you leave in charge of the village police department, Chief?" asked Big Daddy, reasserting his position as a main character.
"Well, young man", replied Hairyback, in between throwing up his guts over the stewardess, Sarah. "It was either Captain Morgan or my song, Hot'n'Cold Running Water"
"...Did you say song?" queried Big Daddy, raising one monogrammed eyebrow.
"Yes, but I am quite drunk so forgive the bad typing....I mean talking" replied the Chief. "Anyway as I couldn't decide I just in the end set fire to the police station and let mob rule take over!"

They arrived at JFK without further incident. When they landed all the people without respect for themselves clapped loudly, proving what muppets they were. They were soundly jeered by those fliers who were better than them. Morons.

Anyway so all the people got off the plane and went to the Sequinned Rim to look for clues. Big Chief was very glad to get to a drinking establishment as by then he was vaguely starting to remember who he was. As he helped prop up the bar, Geist floating around asking the patrons questions pertaining to the plot.
"Wanna buy some deathsticks?" asked one shady character.
"Fuck off".

"Officer Geist!" called a gruff voice from across the room. Geist was perturbed, as he had adopted a careful disguise as Nearly-Headless Nick from Star Trekk.
"Who are you?" he asked.
The person who talked threw back his hood and cackled insanely, showing gnarled teeth and a manic look in their distant eyes.
"Chief Hairyback? Why are you here? I thought Panto had taken you back to the Premier Inn to get some sleep?"

Suddenly, something plot-relevent happened!

"Hey you, the ghost policeman over there!"

GASP

"How did you know I was a policeman?" asked Geist, holding the ruffian by his beefy neck.
"There's no time for that!" he replied with a cry, as the window behind us exploded into a storm of glass shards. The man in Geist's grip was cut to pieces by the blizzard of glass, but luckily Geist was left unharmed because, for those who have been paying attention, he is a ghost.
The popular nightclub was transformed into a scene from a horror movie as several other patrons were thrown from their feet by the exploding window-pane. I heard the sound of a car speeding off into the night, but as I was the narrator there wasn't much I could do about it! I let Geist and the other coppers know about it though.

Geist, Big Daddy and Pissingham burst out into the street just in time to see the perpetrator's speed off in what looked suspiciously like a car.
"How are we going to catch the kidnappers now?!" cried Big Daddy.

That was when something amazing happened.
Officer Chuckles tumbled from the sky on the end of a poodle-shaped balloon. Geist had never seen such a beautiful, avenging angel of death. He fell like a metiorite and luckily landed in the back of his custom-built clown-Lamborghini and the quiet New York evening was split by the round of it's banging engine erupting into a million-horsepower pursuit! Then the inevitable happened. After about two seconds the clown-Lanborghini's wheels fell off and Officer Chuckle's seat ejected into the air with a no-doubt hilarious clown-noise.

But the chase continued as the trusted drunk, Captain Morgan, returned from previous-blog-obscurity and gave chase through the streets in his customised Pirate Ship, the 25A to Chiddinsburgh! Such an exciting pursuit I cannot even describe (due to laziness) but needless to say it ended in the 25A to Chiddinsburgh firing a harpoon at the kidnapper's car and running them to ground!

Geist was right behind the Pirate Ship, galloping along on Hairyback's faithfull horse, Choncy. Somehow, Big Daddy, Pissingham and Officer Panto were all on board the horse in a nice Pony-side-car. They drew up alongside the kidnapper's car where it had stopped, carefully parked. A shadowy figure leapt from the driver's seat and tried to make a break for it, but Geist used his Dream Eater attack and got a Critical! (He's a ghost) The figure collapsed in an untidy heap!

As Big Daddy prised open the boot of the car, he discovered his beautiful wife Shaniqua, as well as Chief Hairyback's wife Morag Bigknockers. What joy!

Geist approached the crumpled figure he had disabled and pulled off his terrifying mask (that until now I had not mentioned he was wearing)! It was none other that JASPER! FROM THE FLASHBACK!

"Why, Jasper?!" ejaculated Geist.
"Because I was cast as a mere extra in a flashback, that had no point to it!" retorted Jasper, the man from the lobby of the Travel Inn. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling police!"

Officer Panto and the Crew emerge to bow to the audience followed by encore

THE END.

There. I finished something. I feel all that bit more of a man. Hope you enjoyed!

It's all the bitches are talking about...Blog 29...and my muscles

I performed a live reading of my last post to an excited all-female audience the other day, and as I proudly re-read my work to her, it became apparent I made quite a few spelling and grammatical errors. I was thinking privately: what was I drinking?! I'll not make that mistake again!

This time I know exactly what I'm drinking.

I was very proud of the unfolding epic drama I began last time, but I'm not one to rest on my laurels (as my bed is much more comfortable). Looking back over all the posts I've written, the one thing I've noticed is that none of the little stories I write have satisfying endings! It's as if I just give up, as if I'm unable to finish what I begin, leaving my audience feeling dissatisfied and and unwanted...

No wonder I'm single :(

It's time to throw this record to the four winds and so without further ado I present to you Part 2 of...

PC Peter Geist and the Mysterious Carrying On of the story...

As you no doubt remember, PC Geist was just visiting the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland on a whim that his evil nemesis, Governor Tortilla, would use it to create a black hole even larger than one of the gaping holes in the plot so far. In the meantime Chief Hairyback and Officer Chuckles were fighting their way through October Hurricanes to Ghana, where Chuckles was hoping to be reuinted with his birth-parents, a couple of Giraffes. Before they could meet however, they were whisked away on an all-expenses paid trip to the Hubbel Telescope and after looking through it they glimpsed a vision that chilled their blood! They looked across the galaxy and on a distance planet many millions of lightyears away they were able to get a glimpse through the bathroom window of Mrs Regina Weatherly as she was taking a shower!
Meanwhile, Big Daddy and Pissingham, three years in the past, had just left the Sequinned Rim nightclub (or might have been a bar) and were trying to advance the plot with a much-loved flashback!

So where was I... So Big Daddy and Pissingham were on their way out of the Sequinned Rim and I vaguely recall they were looking for someone's brother. I really don't remember, but what I do remember is what's happened after this flashback so let's do less explaining and more plot-continuation!

They left the bar, with the words of whoever they'd been talking to still ringing in their ears (but it may well have been the phat beats being played in the establishment). The original plan had been to check out a number of other bars looking for whoever the fuck they were meant to be looking for, but Pissingham was feeling pretty unwell after the whole series of events that we all remember just happened, so Big Daddy took him back to their hotel and put him to bed, before running a bath for himself.
Shit!
They were out of Muscle Relax Bubble Bath. This day was going from bad to worse. Big Daddy cursed to himself that Smartphones hadn't been invented yet, and left the room and ran down to the lobby to ask a local where the nearest shop that sold Bubble Bath was.
"I'll tell you whatever you want to know", said the crazed New Yorker (not sure why he was crazed), "just please put some clothes on first!"
"I don't have time to get dressed", explained Big Daddy, "surely at this time of night the Bubble Bath emporiums are all closed!"
"What are you talking about? It's 3:00 in the afternoon!" said the confused local man, scratching his bonnet.
"Well where I come from it's 11:00pm!" replied our hero.
"Where's that?!" gasped Jasper. He's been given a name now because he's becoming the pivotal conversationalist in this chapter of the story. He might even accompany Big Daddy on his way to the shops! Fuck it, it's happening and you can live with it! But how to fit him in? Hmm -

"Say old man, want to come with me to the Bubble Bath shop?"  asked Big Daddy
"Sounds delightful!"

That was easy.

Big Daddy and Jasper decided to take a taxi downtown to the Bubble Bath capitol of the world....erm....Tubs'r'us. Predictably it was also a food outlet for plus-size women. Getting out of the taxi, Big Daddy regretted instantly coming out in nothing but a towel, as a gust of wind sent it fluttering away into a nearby tree. He turned to Jasper and apologised for his flatulence.

Ten excitement-filled minutes later they found their way to the bubble bath section. Unfortunately it was right between the ice cream section and the gossip magazines, so they had to force their way through several middle aged obese women to reach their target of the muscle relaxing bubble bath. Several outraged grunts and broken bones later, the pair got ejected from the establishment by the gruff, bearded, tattoed proprieter: Maude.

It was this recolection that was perambulating through Big Daddy's mind as, many years later, Peter Geist and Officer Panto knocked at his back door (oo-err Mrs!). He thought it was a flashback he might return to later, depending on how he was feeling at the time and whether he could think of an actual point to make it worth while.
Anyway the reason the police were knocking at his back door was because his front door had broken so he had to take it out of the frame and replace it with the back door which was in perfect working order. The fault front door was now lying on it's side in the back garden, which was now of course the front garden. Luckily not many people could see the front garden now as it was round the back of the house.

Big Daddy opened the door (back door, for reference) and Peter Geist and PC Panto could see he had been crying. All the signs were there: tears coming out of the eyes. That was it. He'd been a policeman long enough for that to be all he needed.
"Is this a good time?" asked Geist, "because if you're feeling emotionally fragile I'd rather come back when I don't have to deal with your anxieties".

To cheer up Big Daddy, Officer Panto struck up a rousing (and slightly A-rousing) verse or two of "If I were not in pantomine". After the song and dancing was over, Big Daddy sat the two officers down and a deeply tedious story about New York, but as it sounded like it contains a few important plot points, they were forced to listen. Officer Panto had to leave for a costume change and while he was out, Big Daddy leant across the table to Geist and whispered low in his ear "your flies are undone".
Giest nodded knowingly, and adjusted himself accordingly.

After leaving Big Daddy's handsome abode, Geist turned to Panto, glancing back once at the house. Panto was young and yet to secure even the most minor of roles on Broadway or in the West End, but he could tell something was bothering the ghostly detective. "What is it, sir?"
Geist looked him in the eyes for one second, then looked away, almost embarassed, as if the moment had never happened. "Never mind lad. I've just got a....feeling."

He floated away towards the busstop and Panto gazed after him, then whispered to himself (and the audience) "He's so....complex!"

That evening Geist was continuing to play the brooding detective character so he went to a bar full of lowlifes that he enjoyed to frequent. The barman eyed him suspiciously, while stereotypically drying a pint glass with a dirty rag as Geist entered. "We don't usually get many spirits coming in here!" he declaired in his deep manly voice as Geist floated onto a stool.
"Then get me a pint lager", replied the police officer sulkily. (Note. That was an effing clever joke there, so appreciate it!).
"Will water do? I have hot and cold running water. Only the best for my clientelle!"

Suddenly the bar door banged open with a bang!

"Did someone say they'd seen my son?!" bellowed Big Chief Hairback as he pushed his way through the mess he'd made of the door, as well as the couple of students who had been seated nearby sipping alcopops like a couple of nancy-boys.
"Chief! What are you doing here?" ejaculated Geist, spraying his lager all over the less-than-appreciative barman, who, thanks to being mentioned more than once, has been named Eoghan (pronounced Owen).
"I was pretending to look for my son, but since I'm here, time for a drink!"
"Right! So you do know where your son is then?"
"Absolutely!" roared Hairyback. "He's out looking for his mother and my wife" (name forgotten) 
"Why? Is she missing?"
"Absolutely!"

The plot thickens.