The Family Friendly Adventures of Salmonella Bathwater

As Mrs Bathwater stepped into the crowded hubbub of the bar, we were all spellbound - and not only because it wasn't even ladies night. She had an oily reputation about the town for being the sternest governess ever known. It was said she had once ruled over the well posh FitzMcSmythly household like a cross between Margaret Thatcher, that woman who always wore pink in Harry Potter but I've forgotten her name, and Wolverine (but from one of the films where he's at the top of his game, not like in Logan when he's short-sighted and coughing up a lot of blood). She had a hairdo that looked as unyielding as steel wool and eyes that looked like they might turn into werewolf eyes at any moment and she would attack with vicious claws. But, as a governess she was generally safe around children.
Anyway you may be thinking - well who the hell is telling this story, this ain't not 1st or 3rd person narrated bullshit. Well you'd be right, this is 2nd person, like Sherlock Holmes, but I ain't no John Watson I guess you could call me Marshmallow Buttercream, as that is my name. I'm a regular here at the pub and apart from a tequila sunrise my one love is my good woman, Ironica McManus. She's a fine woman, and hairy as they come!
But anyway I was melodorisising about Mrs Bathwater and as she was talking whilst I gave you my life story.
"Keep it down with the life story over there, Buttercream, I am trying to advance the plot!" she cried.
Clearly it was time to listen in!

No...no we missed it. Sorry about that. She came in briefly and waved some paper around and now she's stormed out. Bloody hell now we'll be playing catch-up with the plot for a while I guess.
Let's go outside, oh it's snowing now. It was sunny when I walked in, but that was a couple of months ago and we are in that country where the weather might change, u don't need me to tell you which one.

Let's follow Ms Bathwater and find out where she's off to in such a hurry!

The Adventures of Salmonella Bathwater - Part 1 - An Evil Smell in the Filthy Mistress

She entered the room and immediately the music stopped and all heads turned to regard her with the air of a bunch of people in a bar thinking hey who the hell is that woman?
But I already knew her. Or so I thought.

She might have just looked like someone I knew.

But it turned out then it was actually someone I knew. I think.

The bartender was wiping a dirty cup with a crusty rag and had a glass eye rolling playfully around in his face whilst the other one was covered by a roguish eye-patch. He was a total dreamboat, even though he rarely got your drinks order correct. His name was Charles McCohan and he had tales of the sea from his days adventuring and plundering lots of booty as a sophisticated oceanographer on his prize steam-yacht the Filthy Mistress. He had an anchor tatoo on his forearm so you knew he was legit.His favorite song was Sailor's Hornpipe by Henry Wood, and he knew all the words from all the songs from Muppets Treasure Island.

But anyway this lady had just barged her way unceremoniously into the bar and basically she didn't look impressed. Perhaps she'd spotted the neon signs to the ladies room that just said 'GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS' and wasn't necessarily directing ladies to a toilet. Or perhaps she'd spotted the hole in the roof, that was only there to help dispell the fumes from José's up-and-coming meth lab that Charles McCohan had allowed him to set up in the hope of finding a cure for having a glass eye (but secretly José was just cooking meth and calling everyone a bitch, like he'd seen on the telly). I think was appalled her the most was seeing that what Charles claimed was prosecco on tap was actually just fizzy water mixed with chewed up refreshers.

So as the last majestic bars of Smell Yo Dick by Riskay faded away, there she stood in the doorway, her shoes reflecting the light from the fire that was burning merrily in the corner (much to the chargin of José, who was off his tits on fumes anyhow so don't dwell on it). Her hair was tied in a tight bun that pulled the skin on her face back into a rictus grin that was like Jared Leto's Joker but less disappointing, whilst her big manly hands were wrapped around the strap of her big hooker-sized handbag. Also she had a coat on - probably because it was spitting out.

Before she said anything I could tell live was never going to be the same again, because Mrs Salmonella Bathwater was back in town - like the Boys in a Thin Lizzy song,

Happy New Year! And Christmas! And other days!

Here's a run-down of what I've been up to since November, minus anything I haven't put.

I drank a beer.

I am still trying to work out if Twitter is the most pointless thing in my day. I basically just have it for Simpsons Quote of the Day. I mean I follow Trump but it's not even as amusing as the media makes out! It's basically just him saying how great everything is going, with millions of replies that end up making me hate the humans.

I got asked why I am angry at British politics. Keep reading to find out - or read many of my past blogs.

I watched 50 Shades of Grey. I had the same sort of reaction to this 'romance' storyline as I did when I was watching the whole Twilight storything, as in there's not a lot of action in this. Apart from when he 'fucks hard' of course. Trolls was much better.

I still have not downloaded an update for Quicktime. And I never will, I dont even know what it is.


What other shocking things would you like to hear about?

Well I have not done one of these blog posts since November 2016 so perhaps some stuff has changed since then, not much for the better but I mean at least I don't have to see the news coming from the White House from anywhere in America, I mean I will be when Theresa May sells the rights of British citizens to Trump in exchange for a handjob and 5 minutes of sucking on his quiff behind the bicycle sheds in her desperate bid to be friends with that maniac. I was asked a while ago if I had a gun with one bullet and was in a room with both of them, what would you do. I replied that I'd shoot Trump because May looked easier to beat to death with the gun but. But of course I missed the obvious answer of making them stand in a row - god knows even a low-calibre bullet would go through the yawning chasm between Trump's ears and straight into the poisonous meat of May's brain, where it would no doubt melt in her acid blood. I guess you could lure Trump into position by drawing a fanny on one of the walls or something.

I've listened to some Townes Van Zandt lately. He was an American country musician but he's dead now. It's some good stuff. But you can't beat 'Zat You Santa Claus' by Louis Armstrong, whatever the time of year! the Bare Necessities is also a tune, I like to listen to it while I scratch against trees.

I'm doing a charity 26-mile hike in June. Please give money or I will regret it more than I already do. https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/emilyjacksarah?utm_id=13 - there is a link, please use it

So I binge-watched all of House, and I see what people say that all the episodes are basically same and yeah, a lot of them basically are! But the bigger problem I saw, especially in the latter series' is that he's basically an addict for a puzzle - and they just take it so mentally far. I'm surprised they didn't end it with a patient who was being uncooperative for some obscure reason, or who had a family who wanted to be as big a pain in the arse as possible, would only tell House what he needed to save their ungrateful life if he cut his own head off first - for reasons! and he'd bloody do it and all, just to show he was addicted to puzzles!
I mean overall I did enjoy it though!

Despite my clear reasoning about why pets are essentially slaves that don't do any work in my last blog (shameless self-plugging - make sure you read LET THY WORDS BE FURIOUS - great free advertisement, actually I don't really care if you read this, as I've said I only started this blog to take the piss out of my friend's blog about feelings and I don't get paid so read it or wipe ur arse on it...I mean that would be a bit of an own goal as you'd have to clean ur tablet, phone or computer monitor afterwards but yeah I just get a high off viewing figures, and before you think that might be an innuendo, it could work as one I guess!) anyway so yeah I was talking about pets and some people have said YOU'RE WRONG, MY CAT LOVES ME!!!!
They don't. You're in denial.

The Party's Over

When I say that I mean I thought about creating a political party recently. Can you get ultra-liberals?
I mean the constant upset as a liberal-minded fellow is you're constantly like omg that politician is so annoying I wish someone would just assassinate him - but then you have to catch yourself and be like oh shit no wait would that be in keeping with my liberal views?

Psycho right-wingers dont need doubts like that they be like "awww shiiitttt I'mma blow him up,
aheheh".

Can you affect real change by playing by the rules?
The rules are there to make sure the people with the money stay in charge.

The problem with a phrase such as Make America Great Again or the more humdrum British equivalent we had over here when Brexit was in the news, is that we are in a slump now and we could be as great as we once more. But when people look to the past they gloss over the bad parts like - to name a few, when women couldn't vote, or when homosexuality was a criminal offence, and look through rose-tinted lenses.

What is the point of freedom of the press when it is owned by billionaires? It has become a mouthpiece for their agendas.
Then what is the point of democracy when the people don't understand the issues, or don't care?

One of the most irritating things is how people have substituted action for opinion. Why march on the establishment when you can get 1000 views on Youtube? If those 1000 people are sitting watching your terribly life-affirming video that is guaranteed to make your jaw drop or some shit like that, then they are not fighting the injustice in this community, they are merely observing.
Sharing an opinion will a million people now is easy, in this age of the internet. But if you get bombarded by a million opinions you cannot value them. Take them all with a grain of salt.
When Michael Gove claimed that the people 'had had enough of experts' then if that was true it showed that the people are fucking idiots and their opinions are damaging, and they probably wouldn't even appreciate it.
When someone can broadcast their opinions to a huge audience they imagine that their opinion is actually valuable, when in reality if you know nothing about a subject your opinion is worthless. Hence Brexit, earlier this year. If I lived in a house with ten dogs, for instance, I am in charge but why would I ask the dogs which car I should buy? (This is assuming they could talk)

Speaking of animals I saw one of my friends who is a fanatic animal lover, posted something on Facebook that I found so distressing I blocked it in the end. Basically a dog-owner had put their dog up for adoption to a loving home because they were expecting a baby (presumably they were pregnant, not just waiting for the post) and the abuse this lady was getting from this 'animal-lovers' was appalling. They were upset because she was choosing her unborn baby over her pet.
Now don't get me wrong I understand the attachment one can feel towards a family pet, I have a cat and a dog. But this person was trying to make sure their pet was going to be taken care of because they were afraid they wouldn't be able to give it the care it deserved once their baby was born and from the responses you would think they were trying to sell it for meat.
Some women told the expectant mother that, and i paraphrase, if she had kept her 'whore legs' shut she wouldn't be in this predicament.
What is wrong with these people? I love animals and I don't want to see anyone abuse them, obviously. But that's not what was going on here. She wasn't saying - does anyone want some dog-meat and an Alsatian pelt? We have a baby on the way so have decided to slaughter the dog!
No, she advertised the dog to a loving home and gave, in my own opinion, a good reason for doing so!
I do like pets but if you pretend they're anything other than part decorative ornament and part prisoner, you are delusional.
Also people who fool themselves into thinking their pets would give two shits about them if they didn't provide food daily are silly. If you met in the wild they would run away from you or attack you. You have destroyed their natural instincts and converted them into just a plaything you use to cheer yourself up if you've had a bad day.
I'm not saying you can't have pets, but don't act like they're your friend for any real reason or post endless pictures of your 'bae' being happy to see you - of course they're happy to see you, or they will starve to death as you've locked them in a house all day.


I heard a theory that the idea of superheroes was created in order to set in peoples' minds that they themselves would not have to fight for justice because they could read or watch a superhero do it instead.
Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Ironman. They are all fictional. In real life they are not fighting crime. In a way they have become a tool of the corrupt.

My j-key on my keyboard is really sticky from when I spilt vodka all over it.

Have a great day. Fight for what you want to happen and respect your pets for the fine-tuned killing machines they should be.

This is what a pet should look like.

You'd have to be crazy not to be scared of it. Also Zorro is very sexy.

I recently had my hair cut and the hairdresser did the thing they do every time is shave the back of my neck and do a good job with that then they creep down to between my shoulders and they're still shaving, then they notice that a queue or people has formed and the hair just seems to keep going on forever, so they're like yes my work here is done for now.
I'm thinking if I get into a relationship then a touching thing to do might be shave the lady's name into my back - less permanent than a tattoo and of course reflecting the fickle nature of life - what is there one moment might be gone the next!

People who say 'just saying' are not just saying - basically what they're saying is that...well what the fuck do they even mean? I mean usually they're commenting on something they disagree with but basically don't have the balls to jump head first into the debate and open themselves up to counter-arguments. Like guys, I don't like agree with ur smoking the drugs, dude. Hey, just saying!
Oh guys, he's just saying! Well we can hardly argue with that!
Why don't u take ur just saying and just get lost, loser! We don't even like you because you're such a square. Too many corners for my liking, I'm such a circle. Like the circle of life, homie. That's why they call me Mufasa.
This is all an excerpt from an actual real-life conversation I overheard between some young people.

I watched the Mask of Zorro recently and boy is that a sexually-charged hero if ever I saw one! I was amazed at his macho-ness, his swordplay and taking notes all at once! My goodness I am trying my hardest to channel a bit of his charmingness into my day-to-day life, I hope some of the ladies in my life have noticed. and where can I get a horse?!

I started an apprenticeship recently and that involves me going to college once a week - I am the oldest person in my class of 7 and it feels very different to when I was 17 or whatever I was last time I was there, I mean I no longer feel any need to care about anyone elses' opinions and have some idea of how doing well in this could affect my work-life so there is some incentive to do well.

Being a student now who still earns a living wage means I can actually afford to go to the gym now, so I've been waking up about 5:45am to pump iron etc before work. I showered in the nude with other men and it was strangely empowering.

I've discovered the joys of the band Jive Bunny recently too that basically lived around 1990 (AD) and made insane mashups of great tunes. I would encourage you to listen to something of their's.

I'm not afraid of lettuce but I am just sensibly cautious around it.

If my last posts haven't been offensive enough for you...

It's been nearly a week since the Brexit announcement and I am drowning in the to-ing and fro-ing on social media sites about whether we should all have hope because a certain thing Will or Definately Won't happen, or whether we should just give up and dig a Fallout Shelter to hide in for the next hundred years.
One thing that is clear though, is that since last week all the proud British racists in our country feel like they have well and truly taken back their country and are celebrating by being really awful to people who aren't British enough for their liking.
The thing with a lot of racists is that they're nearly exclusively massive twat-bags that are as stupid and usually have bad grammar. I was thinking about this a lot today in between binging House on Netflix and crying with loneliness - I reckon the main reason you get all these racist cunt-nuggets is that all they have going for them is they were born in Britain, which is a country that is reasonably cool (I mean, being British, I'm not allowed to admit that cos we love to just call out our country on being shit) but yes apart from that they are socially inept bell-munching Sun-reading lady-harassing street-drinking public-area-swearing...cunts.
We all knew they existed before this week. Hell, we all went to school with some knob who just fucked around the whole time, probably bullied someone that definately wasn't you and you're definately not still upset by certain things because of it - but yes we all know someone who you're like oh em gee why are you so uneducacted in these things? SO basically if you're racist, what I'm saying, is it's because being born in Britain is the only thing you have going for you and everyone thinks you're a knob. Plus being born here didn't take any skill on your part and if you were born in some of the countries who's people you victimise you would probably have the shit beaten out of you.
I draw your attention to that video you may or may not have seen of some chav (bringing it back) who is probably about 18/19 but acts like a complete jenkem-huffer and you can see he has no shame in what he's saying and fears no reprisal from any of the nicer-looking commuters on the tram. He's not worried about any of them turning to him and saying 'listen son, shut up or I will literally blow your face up' because thats just not how we do it over here. In America they would be well within their rights to blow up the whole tram carriage with their machine guns, probably hitting a local school in the process and everyone would be like 'well, it was bound to happen wasn't it? What i want to know is, why didn't everyone in the carriage have their own assault rifle to defend themselves with' i mean let's call that American Stupid and it's very different to British Stupid. Imagine the fallout that happens if America doesn't elect Donald McTrumpDickFuckCuntKnobPooBum in November and then every Brit will be like....does that make us the stupid ones now? Imagine the mental breakdown we, as a country, will have if that happens.

So we've basically a divided nation as I write this. Social Media is an evil, in this case. It gives an equal platform to everyone, when nearly everyone's opinions are fucking stupid and not worth listening to. I don't care that Deborah from some shithole village where they have one black person living on the outskirts..i dont cre what that racist, backward arsehole thinks! You may have won the war even though you were born only about 30 years ago but so what? That was a fucking long time ago now and was fought about facism which you retardedly ignore for the fact tht we fought off foreigners so basically all foriegners are bad!

How sick is it that Nigel Farrage REPRESENTS us in the EU? He wants out, so why the fuck are we not like GTFO of Brussells then, you're literally the worst spokesperson for us there! WHO elected him there?! WHO?! That's not a rhetorical question I want names and addresses and lists of their fears!

And what about Cornwall basically saying fuck off EU but thanks for the money, oh by the way rest of the UK, we're gonna need LOADS of money from you all to stop us being so effing backwards now thanks bbz. If I was the rest of the UK, and for arguments sake I will take on that role now, I would be like toplel, Cornwall. Top. Lel. Maybe if you had more than one damned train per day you wouldn't be in this mess! We're demoting you to the Isle of Wight's understudy in backwards counties.

It is time that good, normal British public made a voice to say NO, I will not stand for this terrible racism from basically the detritus of the UK gene pool. Your voice shall be stamped out by goodwill and reason, but also I'd rather live in a harder country in which the video of that utter turd-bag on the tram was accosted by the other members of the public who would forcibly remove him from the tram and if any of them are having a bad day it should be within their rights to hold his head under the wheels...too far? Maybe but I think naming and shaming them isn't enough anymore. They clearly have no shame. We need to educate them that what they're doing is NOT okay. We, as the moderates and liberals of this country, need to stand up to this abuse and protect our friends and family wherever they come from because the future is more important than the past!

Most people will be able to trace their ancestors back to another country at some point in the last few generations - I myself am told there is some French in here somewhere - but my point is if these kinds of offensive, aggressive and stupid louts are what a pure English family tree looks like, then there's something rotten in the roots.

In other news my car is working again.

Have a lovely evening u saucy minxes - the picture below is cos da gloves are off

Everything you need to know about the EU referendum

One thing that we definitely haven't had enough of over the last 24 hours is peoples' opinions! So allow my to deposit my two cents (after I change all my UK currency to dollars and cents in the wake of the massive crash in its value)...

Would it be remiss of me to state that something dark and disturbing has long been coming for our little country? Remember all those years ago when we had an empire and it was the greatest empire the world had ever seen and we did all that amazing stuff? Well we need to get over that. Years ago.

We joined the EU in 1973, before a lot of you, myself included, were even born. Before the internet, or Rick Rolling, or even before the original release of the Rick Roll, in the 80s. Basically it was a simpler time. 

Anyway I was luring you in with tales of the past - now let me take you on a whirlwind tour of the future...

You've spent all day hearing either doom and gloom from upset Remain voters, or bigotted racism disguised as patriotism so i'm going to offer you it from a different perspective.

The UK as we have known it most of our lives has been a miserable, self-important little land and we all knew that loads of people were xenophobic (which is a fear of the unknown (i.e. foreigners (not the band who produced the absolutely tune "I Want To Know What love Is"))) or just racist in general. I remember years ago in an interview Stephen Fry said something along the lines that the average Brit suffers from a huge superiority complex which is just hiding an inferiority complex, and I think he's right. We're all brought up being told what a great country, a Great Britain (I am so pleased with myself), we all live in, and that used to be true we literally used to run a quarter of the world, but nowadays we're only top of the poles like the most drug offences in Europe or biggest teenage pregnancy - although the latter is probably hailing back to the days when if a girl wasn't pregnant by the time she was 15 then she was probably just a beard in a sham marriage - but luckily times have changed! 

I believe, more so than our corrupt upper elite and two other examples, our biggest crime has been complacency. Even in this recent referendum I think only about 70% of people voted, the other 30% probably couldn't be arsed, or was there a football match on that day? And even though for once young people actually bothered to vote - AHA! the old people came out in droves to get their own back for all the anti-social behaviour and drugs etc that the young people, especially students, always do! Plus some of them remember when we were at war in Europe - one elderly person I know actually voted leave because of the war. One young person I overheard on the train only this morning voted out because she hated David Cameron (though i guess she got the result she wanted!) 

In a way I feel sorry for old Dave. He spends years coddling the super-rich and fucking over everyone else, and the minute he actually gives a ticker's jizz for what the British public think, we, as a country, basically take a huge metaphorical shit with our clothes on. 

But, friends, not all is lost. Things are dark right now, and they won't get better without a hell-a-lot of effort. By effort I mean EVEN more than screaming onto social media (ironic) because doesn't everyone like to think they've figured it all out and must let everyone they know know that? Because whilst people are doing that then they arn't actually having to get off their arses and make the changes that will be necessary to drag this country out of this slump.

Changing isn't quick or painless , a great historic example would be our old friend and ally Joseph Stalin who actually killed more people than Hitler but we ignore that because they were people who lived in the country he was manager of, or something. Anyway when he took over control of Russia the country was a complete dive and he built them tractors and dams etc and mechanised them (which isn't to say he created Russian cyborgs) and anyway the end result was that Russia was in much better shape and nice and ready for WW2. but yeah lots of people died during these changes cos they had to do decades worth of work in very little time. 

This is a different place and time but this culture where the uneducated (and many of the snobbish educated, too, let's not label here) beleive that just because they happened to fall out of a vagina (and not just an vagina, a good old-fashioned British vagina!) on British soil that makes them better than anyone who wasn't born here. 

I still remember, from many many years ago the first time racism was explained to me (not from a sympathiser, mind) and it baffles me that anyone would think in that way. I mean the sort of people who go around saying 'oh these foreigners come over here stealing our jobs' is such shallow-minded bullshit that some people still cant grasp. If someone's better than you at a job then they damn well deserve it, u moron! 

It's tragic that immigrants are treated like the enemy in this country and one of the reasons for this is because they are some of the most vulnerable. The mega-rich basically own the 'free' press in this country, papers like The Sun, which literally tells it's readers that all the reasons their lives arn't everything they want them to be are the faults of these immigrants rather than the actual culprits, the mega-rich who are fucking them over the entire time just so they can masturbate in a pile of cash (figuratively, and perhaps literally). 

Have you ever met someone not from the UK? They're usually lovely people! Like someone from the UK except not a miserable, sarky c*nt. I have a colleague from Australia who I assisted with something and they said 'You're the best!' and with that accent I actually believed it! I didn't think 'no need to be sarcastic!' Whenever a foreign national I know is laughing at something that I find funny I have to literally plaster a smile on my face and pretend I feel anything as much as they do! I am so envious of them! 

So I bet you're wondering what we're going to do now, eh? The racists have shown that they actually outnumber the tolerant and though hatred (or haters-gonna-hate-ing, as it's now known) is the easier option I feel inspired by the likes of Mohatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jnr and Nelson Mandela who did not turn to the ways of violence but wished to change opinion by peaceful means despite the huge barriers put up whenever you try to have a sensible debate with people who might as well be programmed to be ignorant and intolerant. 

At this moment in time we have demonstrated not only that the majority of the people do not wish to remain in the EU, but also perhaps that as a country we do not deserve to be part of something better. A near-even split of opinion says, to me, that things have to change.

This cultural cancer of xenophobia and intolerance needs to be removed from the top down, from the likes of the Brexit leadership and the media-moguls like Rupert Murdoch right down to those at the bottom of the heap who are told by the rich to direct their anger at those most vulnerable within society.

If you believe in this country, like I do, then don't ever give up. You're not alone. Sometimes one has to stare over the lip of the bottomless pit before one knows to pull back and take a deep breath.

Pulling together and embracing our neighbours or all nationalities is the best way to defeat these power-hungry fear-mongerers. 

They are the true villains we need to take our country back from - before they divide up the assets and sell the rest of it for scrap.

Save the future of your country 

Don't hate - educate.