You can't just refer to someone as 'Nice Face' - oh do be quiet, Big Nose!

I was driving into work this morning with a distinct sighing feeling - people have reassured me that it was just a Monday Feeling and would fade...presumably until next Monday and come back every Monday for the rest of my life! That's one day in seven forever that I'm doomed to be miserable on! What's up with that? Anyway this morning was worse than usual - I'm sounding very moribund atm I realise that perhaps I should get to the point. I did actually say to someone 'is this all there is?' and that's not good! But I am starting to feel that I am stuck at work for 90% of the time, not fulfilling my potential (and as anyone who's read my blog will have worked out by now, I am nothing if not a winner!) and still no clear idea of what I really want to be? I want to feel like I'm making a difference, not be prodded back and forth for the sake of procedure, get paid enough to live comfortably AND have plenty of time to myself.

It's lately become more plain that I have no solid gang of reliable mates anymore - I thought to myself today 'I know, a trip to the pub with some mates would cheer me up' then I thought who to invite? A year or so ago it would have come easily to me, half a dozen reliable and available guys and gals to have a jolly with. But now? Have they all moved on without me? Perhaps, perhaps not. Some have gone off to uni, some are in relationships so essentially dead, and some are just so desperately unreliable it beggars belief. Only yesterday I was messaged by someone asking what I was doing that evening, so I messaged back saying I was free...no reply for the rest of the evening! I mean what was the point in even asking?
I also have a friend who, for some unknown reason, insists on referring to me as 'kid' in her messages. It's always 'what're you up to, kid' or 'how're you doing, kid?' even though I've told her more than once I think it's irritating. We don't live in Modern Family, or Sex & the City, or wherever she heard it said, so quit acting like it! Plus I'm older than you, so quit patronising me! The same as when people say 'how's tricks?' i mean what the fuck does that even mean? You want me to perform a trick? I'm not a dog or some monkey or magician, what tricks do you                                                           think I have to tell you about?

On a cheerier note - I went to a friend's gig on Friday night and there were under-18s there! (I dont mean to say that made it a great night, I'm not a child-kidnapper) I'm going to get onto the point - so my friend's band were the only one playing that I found at all bearable - the other two bans I was subjected to were all screamy metal noise bands - like what we all used to like in our early teens! (I say 'we', obviously I have never liked this stuff - my music tastes revolve around anything with a bombastic tune, or something I can sing to, or both!) I've never ever seen the appeal of having some musicians just make as much noise as possible whilst the flopping-haired singer just grunts and coughs into a microphone for song after song - OH YEAH THIS ONE'S CALLED I HATE MY PARENTS! and basically they were doing what they do on stage and all the tweens were standing about in gloomy garb or getting off with their significant others - though due to the amount of eyeliner/hair product being used it was impossible to tell where one started and the other began! The general consensus was the whole experience made me and my friends feel very old.

Here's a thing - professional impersonators! What IS the point of them! These people who claim to look like celebrities actually charge gullable fools to hire them for stuff! I don't get what you would need that for, unless you're planning to kidnap the real-life celebrity and replace them with a body-double! I get it for stuff like tribute acts and the like, but for non-performers you'd be like "Oh here's David Beckham!" then a second later everyone would be like..."It looks a bit like him but it's not him". And you could get your picture taken with him and everyone would be like omg I cant beleive you got your picture taken with....oh                                                           hold on it's not him...you're weird.

I've seen a lot of these links (See all my previous rants on 'click-bait') that are like "The miracle pill that's putting gyms out of business" or "The 5 Secrets Casinos don't want you to know!" and I'm like, if these so-called secrets etc are so amazing why are you giving them away for nothing? Also why isn't it in the news that Gyms up and down the country and closing after people discover these 'life-hacks' (another stupid phrase) all it is desperate attention-grabbing tactics to make you look at their offering and hopefully see the advertisements crawling all over it like the kitchen table at an orgy!

That's your allotted time.

Upbeat, then goes into my ongoing word-war on buzzfeed, then rage at the media,

Just finished watching The Love Punch, a quality upbeat film about a middle-aged couple stealing a huge diamond, left me feeling a deep urge to just up and go on an adventure. I'd down my drink, take my feet out of this bubbly foot-bath and hit the road!
Just because I don't take buzzfeed's advice and cry or die at every little thing i see it doesn't make me emotionally repressed, does it? And nothing they've ever done has changed my life, unless you could the fact that the 'me' that comes out of the magic experience of seeing whatever they've literally dredged up from the deeps of world shit, is only different from the me that went in because I'm about 30 seconds closer to the grave (or maybe add a bit more as my soul would be a bit more crushed from the tedium). Of course that's only if it's a really interesting thing (contradiction in terms though that sounds), if it's a normal one it would only take a couple of seconds of my attention before I go back to thinking about important things like, oh I don't know....colours?
and WTF is up with these stupid stupid STUPID quizzes?! What.....+struggles to think of something amusing AND outside the box+....+embarrassing...I got told I was quick the other day (and not in the bedroom, for a change)+....anyway it's what BLANK are you, based on these stupid multiple-choice questions dreamt up by someone who once had dreams but is now nothing but a stupid-haircut-wearing, probably wears jeans too low and has some sort of hipster top on ironically cos he thinks it's funny...god I hope he goes and plays in the traffic. Anyway yeah answer these dumb questions and you can find out what member of Girls Aloud's haircut you were in another life. Nailed it.
ONE MORE THING << for the less-informed of my readers...or reader...that was clearly a reference to Jackie Chan Adventure, the earth-shatteringly amazing cartoon show from when I was younger.
My cat is tortoiseshell coloured, so for those who don't know: that's quite dark. And I'm not about to go off on some racist tangent here so I don't want any outspoken 'do-gooder' standing up for minority cats because I'm going to say it here and now - cats are pretty dickish, whatever colour they come in. For instance there's this white-supremacist cat up the street, always prowling around the garden doing who-knows-what - anyway so my dark-coloured cat likes nothing more than lying across the top of the stairs in the dark waiting for someone to trip over her! Then she'll sit on you, purring whilst she digs her claws in and then molts all over my white sofa!
I often get told I was born in the wrong decade, usually whilst watching some quality comedy film about the 60s, 70s or 80s (often during a disco scene) and I often think about how those people, are they happier because they're actors in a film, or is it because back in those days people were so less aware of the wider world. I don't mean they were idiots (though sure a lot of them were, like there are idiots today too (some of them are the same ones in fact!)) but anyway it's just that they didn't have such an almighty media machine constantly pumping them full of worldwide information! All they had was the broadsheets (and back in them days they were broader than - oh I dont know, yo moma!) and really starchy radio-presenters!
So today we have hundreds of newspapers, radio stations, tv channels and the internet all telling us the true facts of what's going on elsewhere. Only none of it is the full truth - some of it isn't even any of the truth. All of it is there to serve someone's agenda. Some we know of, some we don't, but it gets to the point where some people know how fake and/or opinionated a lot of the media is so don't even know what to believe anymore! So then you're like 'well why pay attention to any of it, why not just assume everything's shit?!' Which I think it fair enough, as it's a philosophy I just thought of.
And things were just better back then! I remember the 80s....actually I dont as I was born in 1990 but I remember the other day when I was watching Live Aid on Youtube and Mick Jagger wore...wait for it...a red t-shirt! I mean you just couldn't get away with that shit these days! These days you have to wear either some sort of merange/battery-powered giraffe costume that breathes fire, or else nothing at all, to get noticed! It's because these days people have no attention-span so you need to grab them by the neck, hold their eyes and ears open and inject your shitty dogma on them then kick them down and remind them they're shit! shit SHIT I SAY!
Instead of finding a nice picture to end this with, I spent 15 minutes watching the best of Malcolm Tucker, so I will instead say 'Fuckity-Bye!' and leave it at that.

Oh okay here's a nice picture of a train

Episode V - For Vendetta, The Spellcheck Strikes Back. Also I talk bluntly about pornography that my friend watched.

I'm back in Burgess Hill now, I've had to abandon my Hove flat as I was unable to keep myself in the manner to which I'd become abandoned so basically had to dump myself as my girl-self's Dad wasn't satisfied with how my boy-self was treating me as a woman...yeah?

Anyway so I'm back in Burgess Hill so won't have to consign myself to my tablet and it's stupid touch-screen keyboard - it's back to it's rightful place of being used as a pricey paperweight that I occasionally watch Youtube on.

How I used to do these blogs was simply get wasted and then write whatever came to mind, then there was a stage where I'd note down things that occurred to me that I thought were amusing and then regurgitating them onto this later - whilst not as fresh I felt it wasn't fair on you readers to miss out on a single thought that passes through my mind.

What I enjoy doing the most is writing stories, they don't often have an ending but they basically revolve around me thinking 'oh that would be cool' and then stop as soon as the cool bits stop, with no satisfying conclusion but blah blah blah

ANYWAY tonight I've got a few things on my notepad - plus I've written down some dreams I've had recently so strap on and get ready for a ride you'll never forget (sufferers of Alzheimer's are exempt). Before I start, i should tell you that if you get confused as to all the references of 'man-raiding', it refers to the time of year when amorous women 'equip' themselves with strap on dildos and go out hunting men. It's a real thing.

I recently became acquainted with the song 'In The Summertime' by Mungo Jerry (who is worth checking out if only for the puzz sideburns - fyi I just made up the word Puzz, but I guarantee you thought for a second "am i not down with the kids? i...when did this happen?" Anyway in this musical masterpiece there is a member of the band literally blowing raspberries into a big moonshine bottle - now that kind of excellence just isn't around anyway (it might be but I mean I haven't seen it in my day-to-day life)

So I was reminded of this song, cos who hasn't ever heard it somewhere?, after watching Despicable Me 2 and it's playing when all the kidnapped Minions are on the tropical island, and it got me to thinking the Minions are one of those phenomena that are being plastered all over our faces by the beloved trend-setting...buzzfeed sorta things, you know what I mean? THE ESTABLISHMENT, anyway so normally I'm like ergh bore off (btw 'bore off' is a bloody stupid phrase, avoid using it) so normally I don't like things being thrust down my throat but with the Minions I'm like yeah I can definitely swallow this. They are some good stuff, and i enjoyed the Minions movie, and of course love both Despicable Me's.

So the other day in my flat I think I was cooking some burgers and so obviously it was full of smoke and I was thinking maybe I could invent something to keep the smoke out of my eyes? Obviously it would need to be see-through so I could observe my burgers, but at the same time not let the smoke in. Inspiration struck me! Anyway it was at that moment that I realised that goggles did actually exist already - but I bet that the person who did invent them (other than me) went through pretty much the same thought-process.

Hey I'm listening to the Beatles again! Recently my iPod did the miraculous thing and compress all the songs I had on it to about half the file size! So for ages I'd been squeezing about 1800 songs onto 16 GBs but then my PC had a spaz out and spent the better part of a day converting all the files to a smaller type - I've no doubt a boffin could explain this techno-sorcery, but I was afraid to ask one as I was fully engrossed in dancing round the PC naked with my rain-stick out. Anyway so I'm listening to the Beatles now as I had 'unticked' them so they weren't taking up iPod space that was being used by hotter, younger artists, but now there's room for them again so that's nice.

A few of my posts recently have been a bit like 'SOMEONE COMPLAINED MY BLOGS ARE TOO LONG SO I'M GOING TO STOP NOW' but not tonight! Tonight i'm going to carry on until I literally fall over! I've a great dream to tell you about, plus I want to ask your thoughts on what the best phrase to get tattooed onto one's penis would be? I think I would go with 'wash before use'  - though someone clever would obviously just say something like 'oh i could fit a whole sentence on mine, it's THAT LONG' - now I'm basically just having a conversation with myself so don't bother sending in your opinions.

I was thinking the other day, is it odd that whenever I think to myself 'I wonder what a conversation between two people I know would be like when I'm not in the room?' my first thought is, well they're probably talking about me, right?

They should make a television show where a bunch of teams get together, create a porno, then get judged by a bank of judges who are complete wankers (this time, quite literally!)...this idea would have to be put on tv quite late at night. And the contestants know that each of the judges are looking for different things, one is interested in the story behind why these people are having sex, another is looking at whether it portrays the lady (or ladies) in a positive light and another is looking for something that I haven't thought of yet. A friend of mine told me he was watching pornography the other day and he (or she) was surprised at how little face-time the guy gets, and wondered if this would affect his standing in the pornography-world - is it his face they're interested in or just his gentleman's area?

Another friend overheard and was like 'A friend of mine said she (just to mix it up a bit) was watching a porno the other day where the story is basically a lady with distractingly huge breasts and is wearing unsuitable clothing for that time of year calls a pest-control man round to deal with a duck in her garden, and for some reason they start getting intimate and throughout the whole thing you could hear the duck quacking in the garden'...that's what my friend said. yeah anyway the third judge would enjoy it all to be a bit tongue in cheek! Sometimes literally!

One thing I've noticed is some people (or it might just be one person and I'm trying not to point a really obvious finger) is people putting Facebook updates where it's like 'Just been to the....park(?) with my man' WITH MY MAN, I don't know why this bothers me so much, it's a bit like me (or someone equally cool) putting 'just banged ma bitch' except less obvious therefore you should be more offended as they're trying to make out you're stupid! Be angry! 

Basically what I'm trying to say if he's such a man why is he wearing his jeans around his ankles and taking moody selfies of himself in front of the mirror after getting his weird curly quiff just right?

Why do people take moody pictures of themselves anyway? it's weird! You look like Kanye West doing his impression of a grumpy toddler, except less ludicrously wealthy! And what about that picture I saw of someone taking a selfy with their dead grandma when she was in her coffin? Or people who dress up smart for a funeral and take a selfy? Wtf is wrong with these people? Or people who mourn someone publicly on Facebook? The person you're mourning isn't on Facebook! Why do you feel the need to air that kind of stuff on such an impersonal forum? Hey, my relative just died, better tell everyone I went to school with years ago!

The thought that people who die go to the afterlife and Facebook is there has depressed me. I often think maybe I should give up the social media and the fancy phone and all the phone bills/time it would save me. But then I leave my phone in the other room for 15 minutes and start twitching because I haven't checked the Twitter and there might be a funny update from 'Give Me Internet' or 'Simpsons Quote of the Day' which are two of the few reasons I do Twitter, it certainly isn't to keep up to date with anyone I actually know!

And I have run out of steam! In response to all the fan-mail I receive - No, you fuck off!

 Here's that picture!

Swagger, Click-Bait and my Voice

So i was swaggeringalong the street just now and although i looked great i caused some congestion behind me as i was taking up a lot of pavement.  So i thought well anyone behind me is probably fighting the temptation not to join in the fun so wheres the issue?

Which leads me smoothly back to the issue of the phenomena of Facebook 'click-bait'. I don't understand the point of it I mean I saw just now a link that said how many squares are there? 99 percent of people get this wrong,  and it has a picture of some waffles to entice the bored to explore this incredible waste of time.  Obviously, i thought,  the answer is 'it doesnt matter'  because let's face it, it doesn't matter. I mean sure they dress it up behind some fascinating sociological study but reallydo we care? if someone came up to you in the street and presented you with this or with any of the othergarbage you see on these links you would frankly tell them where to go. they all reek of the sort of publications that are just desperate to catch your eye so you click on them and arebombarded with advertisements, hidden in the depths of which in concealed the paltry item that you never had a genuine interest in reading but only clicked on to alleviate the boredom whilst you wait for the pornography to load on the other tab... Or so i've read... 

I've only just discovered the voice recognition software on my tablet which really helps to counter the arse-ache that is using the touch pad keyboard on this blasted contraption. I just hope that my neighbour isn't being freaked out by the sound of me speaking very clearly and pronunciating in an over the top manner. 

since I have been informed that these posts are too long (although I think that says more about the attention spans of some of my readers) I will leave it at that! 

Ta ta! 

I Reemed A Reem

Okay this post is being made through the magic of me pawing at the touch-screen of my tablet that came with my phone contract ad i dont want but received a flat 'no'  when i asked if i can have it taken off my contract at the store.
I have recently thought of some important questions -  such as when tgey toast a new ship by smasing a bottle of chapagne against it,  what happens to the glass?  Does it just fall into the sea?
If Susan Boyle and Joey Essex did a colaboration of some type could it be called 'I Reemed a Reem?' even if i cant help but think that sounds racist?
Is it bad of me to wish a fiery death to all motorists who fail to use their indicators? (obviously it isnt)

Also i've come by a load of mineral water and have upped my classiness factor by drinking it with a slice of lemon.  Impressed? I also went to an opera -  that has to count for something,  right!? I've been searching in vain for a tie rack but to no avail.

I went for an inpromptu run the other night down by the sea,  and didnt even get heckled by the gangs of youths hanging around in the shadows doing who-knows-what.  I was wearing my scandalously tight white union jack vest top to ward off bad luck so maybe that had something to do with it.

Damn this tablet,  it feels like i've written War & Peace already,  Oh for an actual keyboard! Plus the predictive text has the most retarded suggestions i've ever seen!

I'm off to bed now to read a bit of Catch-22, which is a very tough read.  I dont know if i'm enjoying it or it's just my stubborn refusal not to let a book beat me!

That Wedding!

I'm being forced by circumstance to write this out using a pen and copying it out onto an electronic device, so I apologise for the dodgy handwriting!
I'm here to tell you about the wedding of my favorite sister, Lizi, to her husband (what a twist) Nic (without a 'k') It was either do this or spend money on an actual wedding gift!
Of course you're all anxious to hear exactly which dance moves in unearthed from the Boogie-Vault, and what I managed to steal in the clean-up operation in the morning - but first i must tell you basically what happened...
Firstly whilst talking and exchanging rings (or the jewellery variety, not phone-calls) there was much crying from both sides - I assume they were both feeling the kind of emotion I was feeling throughout Toy Story 3.
Speaking oh which, someone of fine taste chose the Gypsy Kings version of You've Got A Friend In Me, to dance to later in the evening so I had to crack out the fast footwork coupled with air-castanettes, that seemed to go down well, though the caretaker in the morning did have a moan about the scorch-marks I'd left on every inch of the dance-floor.
Luckily for the sake of my own ego I did get a big laugh from the bridesmaids (and those who were there but not bridesmaids) by shouting, over dinner (by which time I was heavily 'on it') "I think there's something wrong with this pork, as I seem to have contracted DANCE FEVER" but then five hours of intense dancing later I was still lighting up the dance-floor with fancy footwork, sassy shapes and amazing alliteration!
As my 'dish' I provided 275 fortune cookies that I bought on the cheap from Wing Yip, a fabulous Chinese supermarket in Croydon and despite my generous distribution I still have about 100 left to get rid of somehow! I have a friend at work who takes great delight in reading her fortune every day so September I should be rid them all! The only problem is she can't eat gluten so I have to eat all the cookies - lucky they're so morish!
I also collaborating with my fellow dancers to form a huge conga line which, under my strict supervision, was kept boy-girl-boy-girl which seemed to appease any conga-etiquette experts in the room!
Another thing I took away was that you should not ask anyone "so why were you not chosen as a bridesmaid?" and don't trust someone you've just met to swing you between their legs during a pretty ambitious impromptu dance routine!

Plan B: how to fix the country

Hark! Doth I hear the calls of the political parties rallying the plebs to vote for them to be in power once again? It must be an election coming up, where promises are created like eggs from a hen before being broken on the side of the saucepan of power and then fried over the heat of political pressure!

Now don't get me wrong, democracy is a cracking system, but like every system it's not without it's drawbacks. I mean what if we vote in someone who's a complete lunatic?

Also what's worrying is everyone I've talked to (at least two people) agree that the system we have is broken. Now we're not the kind of people to do something about what we know is broken - we can leave that to some White Knight do-gooder! But this First Past The Post system we operate (where whoever has the most votes wins, simple as that) has some huge flaws when we have multiple political parties! It leads to things such as tactical voting, which I think it nonsense as if you want a party to win you should vote for that party! If you only have two parties then FPTP is fine, but nowadays we have the two main parties, then Lib Dems who are the official bronzers, then a plethora of smaller parties. And the result is the voter-ship is split so many ways that even the winners only get around 30% of the entire vote, so whoever wins then more than half the population are going to say WELL I DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU so they're always going to be unpopular!

I got chatting to a lovely girl on the train the other day, as I noticed she was reading a Jack Reacher book, by Lee Child - the one that's just come out. I was also reading one at the time and slyly slid into the seat opposite her, really un-subtle-ly reading my book. She noticed - of course she noticed! and we had a nice chat. I really regret not asking for her number but I hope I put in her mind the idea that i was some incredible socialite who would find her number if I wanted to - through my many channels. Anyway I saw it as a positive!


But the thing is, we're a country of around 60-70 million people, how can anyone, or any political party, possibly represent everyone happily? You have the mega-rich, who probably only care about building up palaces of gold and eating £50 notes whilst they shoot at beggars; then you have the young people who will not be able to pay off their student fees before they're in their 50s, or ever own a house because the rich are using all the houses to store their motorbikes/mistresses/gold. But you get the point, i hope!

I saw a quiz on Facebook the other day which was "Which Avenger are you?" - I don't need a quiz to tell me I'm not any of the Avengers. I mean these idiot-magnets are like What kind of shop would your spirit animal buy shoes in? I'm like I don't give a shit you were probably put together by someone who was turned down for a job by Apple and are now just a sad loser who splits his time scouting for talent in the Meals for one aisle of their local Lidl, and crying at the same state of their life in the privacy of their Mum's basement!

Back to less important matters...

So now the Conservatives have gotten back into power and have quickly began whipping us as we carry them round on their thrones - metaphorically speaking. If this was a film, or epic tale written in song, our government would be portrayed as some sneering, slimy creature (think Grima Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings but even slimier, as if he's just woken up in the Matrix! #topical) - but where is our bold hero (or heroine - tis the 21st century after all)? Where is the person who can lead us away from the corrupt Gringot's Goblins furiously masturbating over their piles of money and getting our disabled, elderly and poor to wipe it up afterwards! Jabba the Hutt would say 'woah, steady on there Dave!", in Huttese of course.

I hope I've painted a vivid picture of despair and misery in your minds, dear reader. But I also hope that you'll pay heed to my next idea, that I came up with a couple of days ago!

We - the British - are a pretty miserable bunch, as a nation. We may call Americans simple, fat and stupid, but at least they have national pride, as well as an optimism and sense of hope that we are desperately lacking! Every time an election of any sort rears it's ugly head we just shuffle into the cold metal booths and reluctantly scrawl a cross on whoever we think will fuck things up the least!
Our society is fed sad stories and warnings from a fear-mongering media who will do whatever it takes to sell their voices!
Our weather is shit 99% of the year, and awful the other 1%.
Our rich elite are corrupt Etonians who have never wanted for anything, yet through the media (owned by them or their school-chums) churn out biased drivel to turn our ire towards the most vulnerable in our communities - people such as immigrants, disabled and elderly; become the skapegoats for the problems lurking throughout our country.

However all is not lost! You might be afraid to leave your house, or let your children out of your sight because you read an article 'How to spot a paedophile, 5 easy steps', but all we need to do to fix our community is become the heroes and heroines our nation is short of!
It's quite an unusual thing these days to say Good Morning! to a stranger as you walk along the road - I mean okay they might be a murderer, but we've just been raised in a country that celebrates its introvert-ish nature and we should get our there and play in the sun with the other countries!
Stop letting the rich drive us apart with their weird, slightly un-human smiles, and instead pull together and we can make this into a country we're proud to live in - like what the strong nationalist parties say, except without the inherent racism!