"Och aye, sir!" trilled the doughty Highlander. "I even managed to give away the remains of your old pair to that young couple of lads that moved in next door. They were fighting over it like a tray of freshly baked shortbread!""Kids today, eh? They'll wear anything with a few tears in it just to look cool".
It was Christmas Eve in the Batt household (and everywhere else, come to think of it) and Hank was just exchanging gifts with his treasured housekeeper before releasing her for the holidays. She was now the proud owner of a three kilogram bag of porridge oats and a Proclaimers Best Of album. As she stamped off down the garden path and Hank began to close the front door, he noticed a package lying on his snow-flecked doorstep. He brought it inside and sat by the fire - then got up off the floor and sat in his armchair. No sooner had The Antiques Road-show finished then he had a good look at the mysterious package.
It was an ordinary-enough package, Brown paper, tied up with string. Box-shaped. A festive gift? Or a crucially important plot point? We're not to know. Hank already considered himself off work for Christmas so didn't open it - he figured if it was a gift it could wait until until the morn, and if it was work-related it could wait until he was back in the office.
That's just the first bit of the thrilling tale of Hank Batt in 'No Claus for Concern' where he will track down some Santa-related killer before he ruins Christmas for the children.
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Oft am I walking along the street (on the pavement obviously I'm not mental) and I need to sidestep to avoid some idiot or a bin, and I look slightly to my right or left just as an unconscious manoeuvre from all the driving I do, and thought it would be a great idea to have wing-mirrors installed...like on my head or out of my shoulder or something?
When the train commentator saying "Please make sure all baggage is taken with you" or something like that, do you think any terrorist bomb plot has been foiled by a socially-awkward member of the gang being guilted into taking their bomb with them, lest they infuriate the train-gods?
I've written here in my notes "Drinking Brasso",,,and I am as confused as you might be (if you're still reading at this point. I mean I dont think you'd be confused as to why you would still be reading at this point, clearly you're just a person of great taste who appreciates true quality and can see someone just baring their souls.Another thing I've scribbled on my phone's Memo function is 'The French Prince of Bel Air'...which I would watch, just to seem a bit multi-cultural! I've often thought that learning a new language would be a good thing to do with myself, since I was sadly suffering with a debilitating case of cba which in school and never bothered to learn anything that might get me out of a sticky situation if i ever get taken hostage abroad. Although come to think of it I would be able to tell the kidnappers what my name was and what town I lived in. So maybe my language teachers were doing me a favour?
Also what is the point of teaching kids in schools languages for countries where everyone speaks excellent English anyway? This is literally so you can struggle out one terrible sentence that gets nowhere just so they can lol at you then show off better English vocabulary than you! #itsaconspiracy.
Ooh I remember my idea of the Proteiney - a coffee for people who want the energy of a coffee but also the 'gains' from the gym! I mean I'm not too sure what gains are and what protein is involved but advertisement is only 0.1% product and 99.9% bullshit so it's going to be a winner!
Anyway have a lovely Christmas!
