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My recent thoughts:

My children's names are going to Ironica, so I can say everything she says is ironic; and Bruce Willis.

I want to make a television show called Keeping up with Big Daddy. Kind of in the spirit of Keeping up with the Kardashians but also a mashup of Catch Me If You Can. The only bit I've worked out is how the Police will eventually catch me (for illegally high levels of handsomeness). They'll have to hire Gillian McKeith as a kind of evil sniffer dog. My diet of pizza and energy drinks unfortunately will be easy to track for a manure-expert like her! 

Why can't people just bloody drive properly? I mean it's not diffcult to stay in the lines and indicate where appropriate, whilst at the same time drive at a sensible speed! AND by sensible I do NOT mean <40mph on a country road! When will the driving-law-makers make it acceptable for someone stuck behind a slow person to beep and flash them until they speed up or pull over?! 

So as it's October, people this year have been brainwashed by the media or some hippies into giving something up...and I'm always one to jump on a bandwagon! I've decided to give up pizzas for the month. It'll be tough but my bowels will, I'm sure, be glad of the rest! I've rather buggered myself as I'm going out to an Italian restaurant that does excellant calzones tomorrow night! Truly I am being tested!

After being put down my whole life (by people who, I now realise were just jealous) I've decided to start my own singing career! I was singing to 'Up There' from the South Park Movie (a very moving song) in the car on the way home yesterday and my 'friend from the neighbourhood' secretly recorded it and played it back to me today and I thought at first it was the actual song! I'm not just blowing my own trumpet (especially not at this hour!) as she also said it was excellant singing. I've been told in the past my kareoke skills are off the rail. I was belting out some Wrecking Ball in the shower and think I may do a cover of it.

Speaking of people, the last two days driving into work, we passed the local primary school and my 'friend from the neighbourhood' was literally gobsmacked by the ugliness of one of the mums. She was literally like 'oh my god look at that dog!' and other things to that effect. We need to roll on by with 'Who Let the Dogs Out' blaring next time. 

Also been introduced to the term 'fail whale' this week. If you want to use this yourself, just wait until someone fails, and go 'ooh did you see that fail whale swim by?' Reminds me of the great time I was in New York and was introduced not only to some lovely ladies from Chicago but they brought with them the exotic phrase 'awkward turtle' which me and my 'friends from the neighbourhood' brought back to England. Official. It's basically a way for you to tell someone silently that a moment is awkward, and multiply the awkwardness by ten because everyone else knows what it means.

That's enough to be getting on with!

Gillian McKeith