Growing up and becoming a woman in the 90s

This was my humble attempt to write a story about growing up as a young woman in the 90s.

It was a dark and dreary night. My good friend Mercedes was throwing up in the club toilets and Porsha was smoking a fag in the corner. We were in a nightclub called Club 69. Me and the girls often come here. You might say were die-hard 69-ers.
Speaking of Die-hard, I sure fancied a bit of that Bruce Willis, he was a bit of alright and no mistake! I wonder what he would look like bald?
I held back Mercedes' hair until she'd finished throwing up and she smiled and said "I haven't even drunk that much!" As she spat the last of the puke into the loo, Mercedes restyled her hair into what was described as "The Rachel", after Rachel from Friends. It was very much the 'in' thing at the moment and consisted of chin-length hair, with a fringe and highlights. She looked totally glam. Friends was my favorite show after Biker Grove. I also liked The Bill.
Porsha was rocking some Baby Spice bunches as Emma Bunton was an idol of hers. She wanted to be a glamour model but her strict father was very against it, and was a firm supporter of Promise Rigns and Chastity Belts. They were so not the 'in' thing. As she was a strong, independant woman, however, she refused to wear them.
"Say, Mercedes", began Porsha, "what do you think of our new Prime Minister, Tony Blair? I think he is phat!"
"Oh buzz off!" spat Mercedes, "I ain't in the mood to talk politics! But I tell you what: that John Major was a right scrub!"
"Word!", hollared Clarissa (who is me. I decided to stop talking in first person from here on out)
The trio left the toilets and headed back to the dancefloor. Mercedes was still pretty drunk so Porsha had to support her as they busted some moves to the latest hit from Mariah Carey.


I hope you all enjoyed that. I may come back to them later.

This has been a short post, I'm afraid, as I am shattered. I will make it all up to you with another post over the weekend!

These are the Spice Girls (Take note of the Baby Spice bunches)

The Erotic Adventures of Shaniqua plus a brief evaluation of One Direction

This was my attempt to write amateur soft-core porn (rated 12A):

It was a lovely day in Wales when Shaniqua Barnes, a beutiful, mysterious brunette with great big long legs, opened her shutters and greeted the morning.
It was a traditional summer day, so there was roughly ninety percent cloud cover and the sun was nowhere to be seen. Shaniqua didn't let this spoil her mood, and set off for her job at the pet shop.
On the way she bumped into Roland the pie-maker and he was like 'Oh my god! Shaniqua you're so beautiful".
"Thanks Roland, that is such a kind thing to say", she replied with an alluring wink.
"Oh you're such a flirt! What would my wife, the good lady pie-maker, say?" said Roland.
"Goodness I am all a-fluster. You have such strong, manly arms", Shaniqua whispered in an erotic rush.
"It is mainly from making pies. I have a big one here for you, as you are so pretty", said Roland with a wink.
"Thanks babes, I will be sure to enjoy this big one with my supper, alone. Did I mention that I am afraid of becoming a lonely spinster?"
Saying goodbye to Roland, Shaniqua arrived at the pet shop where she worked. She was cheerfully received by her friend and manager Ivor Biggen. He was a boisterous and jolly fellow, and Shaniqua was forever ready to lend a hand to assist with his occasionally sexual frustrations. Although she found this perhaps a tad unprofessional, having read her original contract upon taking up her current position, she found this duty was a condition in the small print.
Her day passed in the usual way. A man interested in starting a home aquarium asked Shaniqua to show him her fishtank and she was only too happy to oblige!
"It looks very wet down there", he observed.
"Yes, and I always keep the weeds at the front trimmed and presentable".
"Well that's lovely to know. I will let my wife know that snippet of good advice. She's at home at the moment waiting to receive the boiler repairman and the electrician and the handsome young boy who cuts the grass."
"I'm sure nothing untoward is occuring", replied Shaniqua.
"I agree!" declared the customer. "I'm just going to buy some Stella and pick up my shotgun from the cleaners on the way home".



Let me know what you think!

In other news, I've begun writing my next epic, the story of Clarissa, Porsha and another one who's name I can't remember, who are three teenagers in the 90s. It's about Clarissa's powerful journey to becoming a woman. Expect high quanitities of 90s references, particularly about Noel's House Party and the Spice Girls, as well as talking about "lady-time" and other stuff.

Due mainly to boredom today, I searched the internet for anti-1d jokes. Imagine my disgust when I ended up on a site that was  fans* listing stuff that was funny that One Direction had done. I use funny in the broadest possible sense. By broadest possible sense I mean it was effing dire. Words begin to escape me as to how shit the quality of content was. I only gave it 2 stars. Out of a billion.
Anyway my favorite joke I found (on other sites) is as follows:

What do you call an old woman with a cat?
You don't. Harry Styles does.

I never saw that documentary about how mental One Direction fans are, but I don't feel like that means I cannot judge them all. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

"Who's your favorite member of 1D?"
"Oh Niall definately! You can tell in his eyes he's the most damaged!"

Also Harry Styles' face and ADOREABLE dimples are actually wider than the rest of his face. I don't understand the biology needed for such a creation.

Speaking of Simon Cowell, I'd feel bad saying "I wish he died horribly in a combined plane-crash/bumming accident", but I would go so far as to say I would dearly like his inevitable fall from grace and consignment to the celebrity gutter to hurry up and happen. Hopefully his unborn child by the wife of his friend will grow up to combat his evil plans to completely destroy music.

Despite what I've said, I don't mind One Direction's music. By which I mean I like the song "What Makes you Beautiful", as I have never paid attention to any of their other tunes. "The best song ever" is just smug as they're singing about staying up all night listening to some amazing tune, and I bet if you asked what song the song is about they'd say some other song by One Direction!
Anyway my problem with them is just the massive hype and atmosphere surrounding them! Any of their phychotic fans, when asked what the best thing about One Direction is, would probably say how great it is how they personally are going to marry Harry or Zane or whichever one else they're soaking their panties for.
SPEAKING OF WHICH! Zane and Perrie (from Little Mix awesomeness) are engaged? What a match made in heaven! I wonder what the smart man's money is on regarding how long that marriage will last. In minutes, I'd imagine.

I admit this post has had mainly negative themes but it's all part of growing up. Thanks for reading!


*morons

If you've never heard of One Direction. This is what you're facing.

CSI Burgess Hill: The case of the twats in the woods

So I was walking the dog through the woods today and she suddenly runs off into the bushes. After yelling at her but as she's so bloody stupid and probably smelled a 3-month old rotting piece of food that she wanted to eat, she ignored me and disappeared into the undergrowth. Cursing her, I dived in after her, and found her a minute later sniffing around what I will now do my best to describe.

Imagine a big pile of alcohol, enery drinks, rizzlers, filters and general litter. Then imagine someone dropped a bomb on it.

Or in other words some twattish students had been having a well rad time.

 So I took the animal home and set out again with a big black bag, as I thought dressing as Uncle Bungaria might scare off any wayward teens in the future. So I walked towards the woods, which are only about 200 metres from my house, and on the way picked up any bits of litter lying around. I was shocked to find my bag was half full before I even reached the edge of the woods!

I reached the crime-scene and I've managed to work out from a receipt from Millie's Cookies in Crawley, and a train ticket from Three Bridges, there was at least one outsider with them. COMING TO OUR TOWN AND LEAVING THEIR SHITE IN OUR NATURE RESERVES! There were loads of cigarette filters and rizzler and tobacco pouches too, as well as some goth magazine about overpriced shitey clothes (Summer 2013 edition, in case you wondered) so they were probably trying to be non-conformist angry types!

We may never find out who was responsible but hopefully they were all in a terrible incident involving an escaped bear.

Anyway in an interesting and slightly darker subplot to this same tale, as I was rooting around trying to rediscover the scene of the crime, I came across a small campfire in a more closed-off area of the woods. There was no-one around, but there was an old cooking pot, a big shard of glass, a serving tray and - most disturbingly - an empty packet of pills. Was this possibly a place where someone had come to try and commit suicide?

This whole tale at least has an environmentally happy ending. When I got home, I seperated all the recylable materials and disposed of the rest of the rubbish responsibly IN A BIN!

In closing, I think our woods are lovely, and let's try to keep it that way! If you know someone who litters, tell them to dispose of their litter responsibly and not act like an effing scumbag! It's about time we introduced a clan of wildmen in the woods who could use any shiny beer cans left lying around to attract a mate. They would also be good for dissuading those damn teens from camping there overnight when they should be drinking and doing drugs in the skatepark like any normal human being!

"We're so rad we litter in the woods 'n shit"