Beard Sloth Piss Henry Snooze Werewolf Poop Leonard Vlog...

Hiding food and drink in my beard

Right so I've done a wonderful optical illusion and had my hair cut right back so it's actually shorter than my beard and as a result people keep coming up to me and asking them to chop down a tree or sing on a log floating down the river or put on women's clothing and hang around in bars (Monty Python fans only, that last one). So yes I have a beard now and if I'm eating or drinking I have been known to have food or drink stick in it - for instance i spent a good morning with beans all round half my face and the person i was with never told me - but joke's on her because I was able to enjoy a flavoursome surprise later in the day. Also it has practical use as I can stroke and twirl it - Stroke and Twirl incidentally is my new upcoming Broadway musical about two old aged pensioners learning the Foxtrot...unfortunately it's running up against Twirl and Stoke, a one-woman play about the joys of eating chocolate bars whilst petting her pussy. That's the family-friendly version anyway, there's also the post-watershed version of Twirl and Stroke where the lady is pleasuring herself on a Waltzer.

Super Sloth
I was inspired by that video you may or may not have seen about that policeman picking up a sloth trying to cross the road and it stretches out it's claws and they do the inspirational music from Space Jam. I thought to myself, Superman has that pet dog that has superpowers and Batman has some sort of magic robin to help him - what if a superhero had a sloth? And so Supersloth was born, he's super fast...for a sloth. Oooh it could be the Flash's sidekick! he can move as fast as your average lazy cat. Other sloths would be absolutely mind-blown by this sloth's speed.

So I found out that if you drink loads of water and your urine becomes clear it means you're well hydrated (my usual luminous tone isn't the ideal, appaz, i mean it looks like an American Fanta! And for anyone who's never seen that it's like if you hollowed out an orange and have a rave inside it. Needless to say it would have to be a pretty exclusive guest list, isn't room just just anyone inside your average satsuma, know wham sayin'?) Anyway so I've been ill lately with flu and had a horrible cough and been drinking loads of water (otherwise i prefer not to touch the stuff) and I lost a stone, and also my pee was completely clear! (Incidentally I just went for a wee and it was clear but i think that's just cos I'm peeing pure vodka now rather than it being healthy) So I was thinking - oh that looks pretty healthy, but what happens if I kept up that disturbing behaviour, would it eventually pee pure light?
Discuss.

Okay so some of you might rememebr the Horrid Henry series of books, and one has stuck with me with decades. Let me set the scene...So asically Horrid Henry's main character trait is that he's a complete c@*t but they can't say that cos it's a children's book. So there's a single peach left in the fruit bowl he wnts it but his mum says 'no son u mst ask everyone else in the house and if any of them want it then basically fuck you son, you were a mistake'...it's a rough story to tell the children.
Anyway he goes to his Dad and he's like 'boy, boy I say, BOY, you ask your mother she knows I won't eat anything with any hair on it!' Anyway so then i dont remember what happens but he goes to his room/masturbatorium (althought he's quite young so maybe he doesn't so that yet) anyway he puts up a 'do not disturb' sign so he's blates up to something dodgey. Probably running girls or something. So basically he coems out later and his mum's like "Lol you daft @$nt your sister's gone and eaten that peach" cos you had ur do not disturb sign up she wouldn't have to ask your permission, DICK" and he was like "oohhhh shiiiittt"
Anyway the point of this is I dont know what lesson this teaches children except that if u play by the rules you'll get fucked over. So basicall rise up against the system! HORRID HENRY BOOKS WERE TRYING TO BREED ANARCHY

Missing out on sleep? Eff you. Basically I've heard from people "oh my daze it was Satrtuday and I woke up at 08:00 so i didn't get a lay-in! I'm like so what? Just stay in bed! How terrible is it that u didn't wake up at like 11:00 and it's not like u would appreciate it cos you'd be unconcious anyway - daft sod

Jazz Werewolf - a mate gave me this idea cos basically you know how Jazzicians go OWWWWW...like OWWW BAYBEE! and a werewolf also does this so abasically if u combined the two it would be mindblowing. I mean it would be pretty scary cos i mean a werewolf would be trying to chew the fuck out of you, unless it was one of thw one's from Twilight. I'm going to see the finale of Twilight soon so I have to come dressed as team Jacob and just wear some denim shorts.  I would do it too but there would have to be a gang of women chasing me all over town and I'd have to hire a caretaker to follow us round with a mop to clean up after them. (If you've been offended by any of this, then quite frankly I'm not surprised)

Banned from Embarrassing Bodies - I've been so ill lately that Dr Christian Grey would be like 'boy, boy I say BOY (cos he's from the deep south...wait is this bit still him talking? You never closed the speech marks you bellmuncher!)" There we go! Basically i said on FB that if I honestly said what state my body is in then my account would be removed and I would be taken to a secret governemtn testing facility. I won't go into it here but just think of the words "pee, vomit, paint, froth and chafing' and you'll get a pretty fabulous idea of what was going on.

Listening to Leonard Cohen and Lordi - the closest I got to being a goth was when Lordi won Eurovision in whatever year that was and I got a bit into them then just felt sad a lot of the time haha but anyway I got some Leonard Cohen the other week and that was alright [END OF ANECDOTE]


As to my upcoming vlog which is slowly coming together, let it be known I've just signed the quality and not at all made-up band JT & the Thighmasters as the House Band and have a plethora of fine guests booked! it IS being made so watch this space!