Anyway so I'm back in Burgess Hill so won't have to consign myself to my tablet and it's stupid touch-screen keyboard - it's back to it's rightful place of being used as a pricey paperweight that I occasionally watch Youtube on.
How I used to do these blogs was simply get wasted and then write whatever came to mind, then there was a stage where I'd note down things that occurred to me that I thought were amusing and then regurgitating them onto this later - whilst not as fresh I felt it wasn't fair on you readers to miss out on a single thought that passes through my mind.
What I enjoy doing the most is writing stories, they don't often have an ending but they basically revolve around me thinking 'oh that would be cool' and then stop as soon as the cool bits stop, with no satisfying conclusion but blah blah blah
ANYWAY tonight I've got a few things on my notepad - plus I've written down some dreams I've had recently so strap on and get ready for a ride you'll never forget (sufferers of Alzheimer's are exempt). Before I start, i should tell you that if you get confused as to all the references of 'man-raiding', it refers to the time of year when amorous women 'equip' themselves with strap on dildos and go out hunting men. It's a real thing.
I recently became acquainted with the song 'In The Summertime' by Mungo Jerry (who is worth checking out if only for the puzz sideburns - fyi I just made up the word Puzz, but I guarantee you thought for a second "am i not down with the kids? i...when did this happen?" Anyway in this musical masterpiece there is a member of the band literally blowing raspberries into a big moonshine bottle - now that kind of excellence just isn't around anyway (it might be but I mean I haven't seen it in my day-to-day life)
So I was reminded of this song, cos who hasn't ever heard it somewhere?, after watching Despicable Me 2 and it's playing when all the kidnapped Minions are on the tropical island, and it got me to thinking the Minions are one of those phenomena that are being plastered all over our faces by the beloved trend-setting...buzzfeed sorta things, you know what I mean? THE ESTABLISHMENT, anyway so normally I'm like ergh bore off (btw 'bore off' is a bloody stupid phrase, avoid using it) so normally I don't like things being thrust down my throat but with the Minions I'm like yeah I can definitely swallow this. They are some good stuff, and i enjoyed the Minions movie, and of course love both Despicable Me's.
So the other day in my flat I think I was cooking some burgers and so obviously it was full of smoke and I was thinking maybe I could invent something to keep the smoke out of my eyes? Obviously it would need to be see-through so I could observe my burgers, but at the same time not let the smoke in. Inspiration struck me! Anyway it was at that moment that I realised that goggles did actually exist already - but I bet that the person who did invent them (other than me) went through pretty much the same thought-process.
Hey I'm listening to the Beatles again! Recently my iPod did the miraculous thing and compress all the songs I had on it to about half the file size! So for ages I'd been squeezing about 1800 songs onto 16 GBs but then my PC had a spaz out and spent the better part of a day converting all the files to a smaller type - I've no doubt a boffin could explain this techno-sorcery, but I was afraid to ask one as I was fully engrossed in dancing round the PC naked with my rain-stick out. Anyway so I'm listening to the Beatles now as I had 'unticked' them so they weren't taking up iPod space that was being used by hotter, younger artists, but now there's room for them again so that's nice.
A few of my posts recently have been a bit like 'SOMEONE COMPLAINED MY BLOGS ARE TOO LONG SO I'M GOING TO STOP NOW' but not tonight! Tonight i'm going to carry on until I literally fall over! I've a great dream to tell you about, plus I want to ask your thoughts on what the best phrase to get tattooed onto one's penis would be? I think I would go with 'wash before use' - though someone clever would obviously just say something like 'oh i could fit a whole sentence on mine, it's THAT LONG' - now I'm basically just having a conversation with myself so don't bother sending in your opinions.
I was thinking the other day, is it odd that whenever I think to myself 'I wonder what a conversation between two people I know would be like when I'm not in the room?' my first thought is, well they're probably talking about me, right?
They should make a television show where a bunch of teams get together, create a porno, then get judged by a bank of judges who are complete wankers (this time, quite literally!)...this idea would have to be put on tv quite late at night. And the contestants know that each of the judges are looking for different things, one is interested in the story behind why these people are having sex, another is looking at whether it portrays the lady (or ladies) in a positive light and another is looking for something that I haven't thought of yet. A friend of mine told me he was watching pornography the other day and he (or she) was surprised at how little face-time the guy gets, and wondered if this would affect his standing in the pornography-world - is it his face they're interested in or just his gentleman's area?
Another friend overheard and was like 'A friend of mine said she (just to mix it up a bit) was watching a porno the other day where the story is basically a lady with distractingly huge breasts and is wearing unsuitable clothing for that time of year calls a pest-control man round to deal with a duck in her garden, and for some reason they start getting intimate and throughout the whole thing you could hear the duck quacking in the garden'...that's what my friend said. yeah anyway the third judge would enjoy it all to be a bit tongue in cheek! Sometimes literally!
One thing I've noticed is some people (or it might just be one person and I'm trying not to point a really obvious finger) is people putting Facebook updates where it's like 'Just been to the....park(?) with my man' WITH MY MAN, I don't know why this bothers me so much, it's a bit like me (or someone equally cool) putting 'just banged ma bitch' except less obvious therefore you should be more offended as they're trying to make out you're stupid! Be angry!
Basically what I'm trying to say if he's such a man why is he wearing his jeans around his ankles and taking moody selfies of himself in front of the mirror after getting his weird curly quiff just right?
Why do people take moody pictures of themselves anyway? it's weird! You look like Kanye West doing his impression of a grumpy toddler, except less ludicrously wealthy! And what about that picture I saw of someone taking a selfy with their dead grandma when she was in her coffin? Or people who dress up smart for a funeral and take a selfy? Wtf is wrong with these people? Or people who mourn someone publicly on Facebook? The person you're mourning isn't on Facebook! Why do you feel the need to air that kind of stuff on such an impersonal forum? Hey, my relative just died, better tell everyone I went to school with years ago!
The thought that people who die go to the afterlife and Facebook is there has depressed me. I often think maybe I should give up the social media and the fancy phone and all the phone bills/time it would save me. But then I leave my phone in the other room for 15 minutes and start twitching because I haven't checked the Twitter and there might be a funny update from 'Give Me Internet' or 'Simpsons Quote of the Day' which are two of the few reasons I do Twitter, it certainly isn't to keep up to date with anyone I actually know!
And I have run out of steam! In response to all the fan-mail I receive - No, you fuck off!
Here's that picture!
Here's that picture!