I Reemed A Reem

Okay this post is being made through the magic of me pawing at the touch-screen of my tablet that came with my phone contract ad i dont want but received a flat 'no'  when i asked if i can have it taken off my contract at the store.
I have recently thought of some important questions -  such as when tgey toast a new ship by smasing a bottle of chapagne against it,  what happens to the glass?  Does it just fall into the sea?
If Susan Boyle and Joey Essex did a colaboration of some type could it be called 'I Reemed a Reem?' even if i cant help but think that sounds racist?
Is it bad of me to wish a fiery death to all motorists who fail to use their indicators? (obviously it isnt)

Also i've come by a load of mineral water and have upped my classiness factor by drinking it with a slice of lemon.  Impressed? I also went to an opera -  that has to count for something,  right!? I've been searching in vain for a tie rack but to no avail.

I went for an inpromptu run the other night down by the sea,  and didnt even get heckled by the gangs of youths hanging around in the shadows doing who-knows-what.  I was wearing my scandalously tight white union jack vest top to ward off bad luck so maybe that had something to do with it.

Damn this tablet,  it feels like i've written War & Peace already,  Oh for an actual keyboard! Plus the predictive text has the most retarded suggestions i've ever seen!

I'm off to bed now to read a bit of Catch-22, which is a very tough read.  I dont know if i'm enjoying it or it's just my stubborn refusal not to let a book beat me!

That Wedding!

I'm being forced by circumstance to write this out using a pen and copying it out onto an electronic device, so I apologise for the dodgy handwriting!
I'm here to tell you about the wedding of my favorite sister, Lizi, to her husband (what a twist) Nic (without a 'k') It was either do this or spend money on an actual wedding gift!
Of course you're all anxious to hear exactly which dance moves in unearthed from the Boogie-Vault, and what I managed to steal in the clean-up operation in the morning - but first i must tell you basically what happened...
Firstly whilst talking and exchanging rings (or the jewellery variety, not phone-calls) there was much crying from both sides - I assume they were both feeling the kind of emotion I was feeling throughout Toy Story 3.
Speaking oh which, someone of fine taste chose the Gypsy Kings version of You've Got A Friend In Me, to dance to later in the evening so I had to crack out the fast footwork coupled with air-castanettes, that seemed to go down well, though the caretaker in the morning did have a moan about the scorch-marks I'd left on every inch of the dance-floor.
Luckily for the sake of my own ego I did get a big laugh from the bridesmaids (and those who were there but not bridesmaids) by shouting, over dinner (by which time I was heavily 'on it') "I think there's something wrong with this pork, as I seem to have contracted DANCE FEVER" but then five hours of intense dancing later I was still lighting up the dance-floor with fancy footwork, sassy shapes and amazing alliteration!
As my 'dish' I provided 275 fortune cookies that I bought on the cheap from Wing Yip, a fabulous Chinese supermarket in Croydon and despite my generous distribution I still have about 100 left to get rid of somehow! I have a friend at work who takes great delight in reading her fortune every day so September I should be rid them all! The only problem is she can't eat gluten so I have to eat all the cookies - lucky they're so morish!
I also collaborating with my fellow dancers to form a huge conga line which, under my strict supervision, was kept boy-girl-boy-girl which seemed to appease any conga-etiquette experts in the room!
Another thing I took away was that you should not ask anyone "so why were you not chosen as a bridesmaid?" and don't trust someone you've just met to swing you between their legs during a pretty ambitious impromptu dance routine!