The Literary Equivalent of urinating in the street, all the juices of the day.

Trying to buy a classic Roy Orbison track on iTunes, I click 'buy it' and and then it tells me the terms and conditions have changed. A day later after I've finished reading the thrilling novel that is the Terms and Conditions I decided that yes, i will still purchase this track for 99p.
Which got me to thinking, they could be hiding anything in those Terms and Conditions (I am slightly thinking of the South Park episode). I'm trying my hardest to think of the sort of things they could include but I dont even know where to begin!


The Terms and Conditions of the mighty iTunes Store!
1) You must denounce the evils of Samsung and use only the holiest of Apple products in all that you do.
2) All our songs are uploaded to the iTunes store by use of chimpanzee labour.
3) Under no circumstances will we ever upload the Muppets Treasure Island soundtrack to the iTunes store, no matter how amazing it is. Even if this means well-meaning customers have to awkwardly have their phone perched precariously on the shower-side if they want to sing along to some real quality from the multiple playlists on Youtube.

Why are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles referred to as heroes in a half-shell? They've got complete shells!

Which in turn leads me on to my regular Facebook rant about those bloody quizzes that keep popping up ALL THE TIME.
"Which kind of [insert literally anything here] are you?" Cloud? Pocket-watch? 18th Century French Philosopher?"
(This seems an appropriate time to weep for the future when school kids will be taught about the 21st century philosophers Kanye West and Justin Beiber)
Also do you think in thousands of years from now archaeologists will be digging about with their brushes (or robots holding brushes as they will have then) and uncover a Nokia phone, more or less intact and still with some battery life? Because technology seems to be getting more advanced - can't argue with that - but at the same time so darn fragile! I mean I accidentally stamped on my iPod once and the screen broke, but you could literally get a cross-breed of a steamroller and bigfoot (I know you see the problem with this, that steamrollers cant reproduce, but bear with me) and get it to wear high-heels and do a river dance on a Nokia and it wouldn't even bat an eyelid! Not that it could anyway, because back in the days it was made phones weren't built with an eyelid-batting app!
I'm not finished with these Facebook quizzes. On top of being a waste of time and just a way to paste advertisements onto your retinas, they're only offering utterly useless information! I don't give a shit who my celebrity boyfriend would be! For a start this is something I can work out perfectly happily on my own. I dont even know if I want a celebrity boyfriend at the moment because let's face it, the partner's of male celebrity's get so much time in the limelight they get a kind of sunburn (from the limeLIGHT) that instead of giving them skin cancer just gives them a kind of life-cancer and they end up resenting everyone and everything (or so I imagine, having given this a few seconds thought). I dont want to end my days snorting my dinner through a straw just to lose the pounds I need to so that I can happily dance on the tightrope of celebrité without falling off the side of being REALLY FAT and TOO THIN. If I stay on the metaphorical highwire long enough I can be a beacon of aspiration for all women everywhere (or at least they should want to be like me, said the media) and at the same time all the lads can look up my skirt.

BREAKING NEWS I'VE JUST SPOTTED A FREE U2 ALBUM IN MY ITUNES LIBARY THAT I DIDN'T REALISE I'D BEEN GIVEN, BUT HAD READ ALL ABOUT IT IN THE NEWS (ON FACEBOOK) Now don't get me wrong I enjoy their old stuff like Vertigo, Bad, With Or Without You, and the like! But I am assuming this album won't be amazing - I would listen to it right now and give a detailed summary but i got halfway through the first song and switched to some banging John Denver.

"Heroes" indeed!

Tim Curry Proclaims Scottish Tank Cage! Read all about it!

I've started this evening dabbling with a potent mix of vodka (standard) mixed with a heap of truth-telling and things what i think about. First things first I think you need to know about the experience you're missing out on. Everything you've ever done in your life could have been improved a great deal by having the soundtrack to Muppets Treasure Island playing in the background. Trust me on this, and if you're not already, find it on youtube (or ask a travelling band of minstrels (the musical kind, not the chocolate) to play you a few of the classic tunes like 'Professional Pirate', 'Sailing for Adventure' and 'Cabin Fever'. I was listening to it only yesterday whilst doing the washing up and I had a veritable skip in my heel, it was a massively good time.

I am saddened when I realise that on my recent trip to Scotland I didn't take any music by The Proclaimers with me, they got some mad tunez. There song 'King of the Road' always reminds me of that road safety advert with the Hedgehogs that was on in the 90s. 

Speaking of other decades, I was wearing my black trousers today, along with a white shirt, black tie and my nice black sweatervest, and someone goes to me 'Hey nice tank top, i had one of them....in the 80s!' then someone else started laughing. 

I was reasonably burnt, but I didn't do anything. Partly because I was big enough to stand above it, and partly because I couldn't think of anything clever to say (It was before 10 in the morning). 

Another thing that happened at work: one of my friends is getting married and she's having lots of bad luck in the run-up to it. Her fiancé has just broken his buttock (during some weird sex-act I beleive) and then the priest they had hired had a heart attack. I think she upset a gypsy and has been cursed.

Anyway I tried to cheer her up by engaging her in the Cage-Fight, where we just exchange pictures of Nicholas Cage until someone gives up (90 minutes later, she lost). If you're unfamiliar with Nicolas Cage, if you google him, it can be confusing what his natural form is. This is basically the closest a human artist can get.