Excitement is in the air! Somebody open a window!

So I had to drop off my friend and work-colleague in the middle of Lewes today and I dropped her off on the pavement and noticed the way back was choc-a-block with cars. Sod that for a laff, I heartily exclaimed (in my head, I'm not a mental-case) and decided to keep going in the direction I was going and hope for the best. Who knows, I might discover a shortcut!
20 miles later and after a 20 minute journey became a 45 minute one, I pulled up onto my drive.
I judged the course unsuccessful and will consequently berate it in my monthly pamphlet "Shortcuts in Sussex Monthly".

...However...

It happened to be one of the most enjoyable drives I've had in quite some time! Once I'd fought my way out of Lewes, the open road beckoned, not my usual route of country roads being stuck up the backside of some cunt who can't push the pedal down far enough to go over 40mph.
I filled up on petrol in Lewes (I could almost hear my overdraft groaning on the wind) and put the pedal to the metal (literally!). I finished my day job at 5pm and was meant to drive home and start my evening job at 6pm, so on Tuesday's I am usually a bit pushed for time. This evening's 'dinner' consisted of an All Day Breakfast sandwich and a can of Monster Energy from the tesco petrol kiosk! Needless to say it was a delicious meal and I was able to scoff and guzzle whilst sitting in traffic. Rather than keep me up all night, all Monster seems to do is make me buzzing for about an hour then I happily escape the tiredness afterwa -zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

So I might partly contribute my jolly drive to the fact I was bellowing out some banging hits by the likes of Billy Joel and Eric Clapton whilst flying down the wide empty roads of East Sussex! It felt like the sort of wild roadtrip I used to enjoy before the price of petrol became more important than living life to the fullest! For about 20 minutes I had no idea where I was, and almost texted my evening manager saying "I might be late...I don't know where I am" which is the perfect excuse!

Whilst delivering pizzas in my evening job capacity I thought of the excellant idea of getting together some musically gifted friends of mine and performing a tribute to one of my all-time favorite bands, the Saturdays! I think we'd be fierce! It could raise much money for charity!

The only other important thing that happened whilst I was at work was I pulled up at the house, got out my car and some foxy blonde woman, who happened to be walking by, gave me a dazzling smile as she passed by. Score! It must be the ten-minute jogs I've been doing daily for the past two days!

Speaking of head-turners, I uncovered my phresh Nicki Minaj t-shirt from amongst my mountain of tshirts and strutted my stuff around work with it on. Everyone was impressed! A gent from legal said "Every time I see you you're in a different snazzy tshirt! Do you have a whole wardrobe for them?"
He's closer to the truth than he realises! When a friend and I were sorting my clothes out at the start of the year, we did have to seperate the normal t's from the 'novelty' ones that say hilarious things like 'Nice Pear' and 'Bro's B4 Ho's'. I just can't say no! I can only hope I find my Dr Dré top before work tomorrow morning!

In a tight negative turn, I'm finding myself having to address some people who have bothered me on twitter. I will preserve their dignity by not revealing names, but they'll know who they are.

Exhibit 1 tweeted "Just got some Paracetamol for 19p, what a bargain!". Less than nobody is interested in this! Also said something about getting a headache from the nostalgic feelings that being back at college was bringing on. This just doesn't happen. But I guess there are people who just mass-tweet everything and this person isn't the only one.

Perhaps the one that annoyed me slightly more was the person who goes off travelling and then says "It'll be interesting to see who bothers to stay in touch!" As if we're the one's being the bad friends by not coming with them! But then they took a picture of themselves in beachwear with the caption "Bit cheeky!" This I just don't get. How is it cheeky if you're the one putting it up? If someone else put the picture up of them without permission, THAT could be described (at the very least) as a bit cheeky! But how is it cheeky if you've clearly given your own permission as it's your own picture?!

It reminds me of when I had a go at someone who took a selfie with an expression that looked confused as to why a picture of them was being taken WHEN IT WAS THEM TAKING IT.

Also what's the point in scowling in a photo? Why would you try to look threatening and agressive? Then again I guess I didn't really grow up in da hood. I hear in prison you have to be tough or you'll end up as dropped-soap collector.

I won't include any written story this time as the viewership has tumbled in recent posts, much to my sadface as I do enjoy writing them, but maybe it would be better to simply start up a new dedicated blog for them rather than try and balance the two things?

I've heard the recent song by Macklemore called 'Same Love' and I'd definately recommend it! It's all about homophobia, and is a really good tune as well. Another excellant song I've purchased lately is 'Hold On, We're Going Home' by Drake. I wouldn't claim to be a big fan: I couldn't name any of his other songs; but I really like the vibe of this track!

Hope you enjoyed reading this!

Gorgeous!

Part two of the Zombie Apocalypse

     As a muffled dial tone droned from my mobile phone from where it lay on the carpet, I opened my desk drawer, rooting around desperately. There were no more sounds from inside the house, only the frenzied car alarms from outside. In my panic there were all I could think about. What was going on?
     I found what I was looking for and pulled from the drawer an old penknife. I selected the largest blade - still no longer than my finger - and took a slight comfort from the familiar feel of it in my grip.
     I gingerly made my way out of my bedroom and started down the stairs, aware that a creaking floorboard could give away my presence to...whatever was downstairs. I felt like my beating heart was as loud as a train rushing through a station at full speed.
     At the bottom of the stairs was the entrance to the kitchen and to the right of that was the doorway into my small living room. From where I was I couldn't see into the entrance-hall from where the sounds had come from. A slight breeze reached me, confirming my fears that I definately had left the front door wide open in my haste.
     My brow was damp with sweat by the time I reached the entrance-hall, my trainers tread quietened by the thick red shag carpet. Apart from some muddy scuff-marks on the floor, there were no signs of any intruder, but I knew I wasn't alone. More than the crash I had heard from my bedroom and the glimpse of movement I had spotted by the flash of streetlamp light, I felt in my bones that someone, or something, was in my house. I wasn't safe in my own home.
     The tiny blade on my hand was my only defence but agaist a real-life threat I didn't know if I could bring myself to use it. I forced my breathing to slow down as I approached the kitchen door.
     Now that I was closer, I could make out a shuffling sound from the other side of the door. it was slightly ajar, but all beyond it was in darkness. Odd that whoever had entered had not thought to turn on the light. Probably trying to remain undetected. Very slowly I reached out to the door with my left hand, with my right clutching the penknife tightly.
     Suddenly I stopped. If this trespasser was trying to be stealthy, surely that plan failed had failed the second I heard the loud crashing sound? Why also would they choose to break into a house in the middle of the night when the owner was clearly home and awake? Perhaps there were more than one of them and they thought that anyone home wouldn't be a problem for them to incapacitate?
     As I was pondering tis disturbing train of thought, a strong gust of wind from outside caught the front door and slammed it open, banging against the wall inside. It shattered the eery quiet that had settled in the house, but what happened next was much worse.
     I intruder burst through the gap in the open kitchen door in a furious blur of mangy ginger fur. I yelled in surprise and alarm, jerking back - right into the grasping arms of the dark figure that had been advancing on me from out of the lounge.


Hope you enjoyed that! They'll be more or the usual, plus the next installment, soon!

The First Steps of an Epic Zombie Adventure, With added food for thought.

The opening to a zombie story I've been inspired to write by The Walking Dead, Zombieland, and Shaun of the Dead. Hope you like it.


I woke up in my bed like any average morning, but that was as far as the normality went. The sun wasn't shining through the curtains and I glanced at the alarm clock on my bedside table. It stared back, telling me it was only 04:30.
I groaned and kicked the duvet off me, rolling out of bed and looking out at the street, In the distance a car alarm began blaring, breaking the morning quiet. A shape caught my eye. At the end of the garden, where my drive met the street, lay a crumpled bundle of rags. The nearest streetlight flickered on and off intermittently and I couldn't make out what I was looking at.
Without warning, a shadowy shape rushed out of the shadows by the bins and made a beeline for the heap of whatever-it-was. A fox! I didn't relish the idea of going outside to investigate, but it sat better with me than leaving it the fester until morning. I didn't think I'd be getting back to sleep anyhow.
It wasn't warm outside in the garden, so I threw on some jeans and a tshirt before unlocking the front door. As soon as I took my first step outside the smell hit me. My first thought was that someone had left a load of spoiled meat lying on the pavement. The fox was sniffing around the corpse.
It was a corpse.
I was only a couple of metres away and suddenly it was obvious it was a dead body. My mind just emptied at that moment. What the hell was a body doing here? A hundred other questions filled my head as quickly as my thoughts had fled. I wasn't tired anymore.
I turned on my heel and fled back into the house, getting to a phone my only thought. My mobile was on my bedside table next to my alarm clock. As I dashed upstairs, taking them two-at-a-time, as second car alarm began calling out, adding it's voice to the first. On the edge of hearing, I also thought I heard the sound of breaking glass from down the street.
I snatched the phone up and dialed 999 with shaking hands. As I held the handset to my ear, I walked back over to the window and peered out into the dark. The street was empty.
I strained my eyes trying to see into the gloom, but there was no sign of the corpse or the fox. The beast couldn't have dragged it off - did I imagine the whole episode? The dodgey flickering streetlight illuminated the scene for a split-second.
Something moved out of sight below my window, towards the front door. In my panic I'd left it wide open.  At that same moment the phone line in my hand went to a recorded message.
I heard a crash from downstairs.


END

Obviously not the end, but just for now. I do plan on carrying on with this one, as I do with all the character's I've written about, right back to the adventures of Big Daddy and Pissingham. Hope you enjoyed it!


In other unrelated news...


I'm going to try and remain positive for this post, and steer clear of subjects like Robin Thicke, Simon Cowell, and Syria.

Firstly I want to talk about Jameela Jamil (Jam-Jam). This week Radio One had a 'Reboot' event all Monday afternoon, where each DJ got one hour of broadcasting chosen randomly. It made an interesting change to the usual schedule and also offered me my first real experience of Jamil. I'd seen her featured in several girly gossip magazines....by 'seen' of course I mean told about by friends - so I knew already she was very glamorous and beautiful. Normally I only listen to Radio one from 9-5 at work on weekdays so I've never heard her Sunday evening programme, but I really warmed to her broadcasting personality in the hour she was on during the Reboot. Many excellant beats were played too! She just seemed very genuine, not taking herself too seriously, and I fancy she'd be great fun to know!

Also up on my list of appreciation (might make that a regular occurence) is US actor Lloyd Bridges. I recently had an Airplane! and Hot Shots! marathon so got a generous helping of Bridges in these classic comedies. In Airplane! he plays Steve Mckrosky, the airport official who picks the wrong week to quit all sorts of substances. He's brill! But even better I liked his role as Thomas Benson, a bumbling Navy Admiral who is just my favorite character ever! I'd seriously recommend these films to anyone with even a half-functional funnybone!

Lastly, and mainly because I was listening to it whilst writing this, I'd recommend giving the song "Sweet Hell" by Gin Wigmore a good listen to. I first heard of her when she was supporting Train at a concert I was at. She was excellant there, and her album, that came out this year, is a brilliant piece of work! "Sweet Hell" is my favorite track from it.


Hope you've enjoyed reading this. On the one hand I'm sorry it's not as rambling as usual (I'm not made of vodka you know!) but also I'm always trying to make this blog more accessible to a larger audience, so I will start including things such as Guest Segments, Reviews and Stories. If you have anything you'd like to see, don't hesitate to let me know, by commenting below!

Until next time, have a great week!

Lloyd Bridges in "Hot Shots"

Jameela Jamil